Our beautiful Sarah

alutiiqmom
alutiiqmom Member Posts: 256

Friends and fellow warriors of brain cancer-

I have dreaded this post and this day.  Our beautiful Sarah has gone to heaven.  She joined the good Lord on Thursday the 17th at 2:32 p.m.  She suffered greatly in the end.  I could not post and tell you of her suffering.  I could hardly breath.  Even now I can hardly breath or exist.  How can I go on?  I do not know, but we will.  One day at a time. Sarah has a younger brother and sister and my husband and I must be strong for them.

She was steadily declining. What they think happened is that her digestive system had shut down and was not metabolizing her nutrition but we continued to tube feed her. She ended up aspirating her nutrition and that ended her life.  She could not breath.  She sounded like she was drowning in her own body and I guess she was. It was was horrific. She labored to breath for almost two days before she lost the battle.

My advice to you is to to pay close attention as the end approaches.  I second guess myself thinking, we should have know, but how could we have?  She could not speak or hardly move.

I will continue to pray for each of you.  May you all be blessed.

Love, Edna

Comments

  • bugs_mommy
    bugs_mommy Member Posts: 24
    great sadness

    im am truely saden as i read this :( i am 25 and my husband is 29 he has stage 4 gbm, and this is it for him, he is on thickened fluids and minced food, i guess we r just waiting now for the angles to come get him.

  • alutiiqmom
    alutiiqmom Member Posts: 256

    great sadness

    im am truely saden as i read this :( i am 25 and my husband is 29 he has stage 4 gbm, and this is it for him, he is on thickened fluids and minced food, i guess we r just waiting now for the angles to come get him.

    I am sorry

    Hi:

    May you have many blessed moments with your husband.  I am sorry to read your post.  I find comfort in reading the bible.

    Love, Edna

  • cindysuetoyou
    cindysuetoyou Member Posts: 513
    Dear Edna,
    I can barely write

    Dear Edna,

    I can barely write to you. When I read your caring bridge post I felt like I was having a heart attack. I am so sorry! I know the pain and anguish you went through. I felt (feel) like you, that the only good thing is that the suffering is over. 

    We didn't have David embalmed either. No testing done, no more needles, cuts, injections, invasvie things. I felt like David did his part to further the medical community's knowledge of brain cancer. I finally felt like I had some control over what happened to him. We buried David in a little country pioneer cemetery near the area where I ride my horse. 

    David's cousin in law, our church's worship leader, played the guitar and sang that song from Casting Crowns, "Praise You in the Storm" during David's memorial service. I know it should comfort me but I cry so hard every time I hear that song....

    Please fight against second guessing yourself. I do that all the time...wondering if we should have declined the blood brain barrier, if we should have tried going to Duke or UCSF, if I should have given David more pain medicine, if we should have allowed the feeding tube to be placed..... But I know in my heart it would not have made a difference. 

    May God give you and your family peace and comfort beyond anything you have ever experienced before. And please keep in touch.

    Love and blessings, always,

    Cindy

  • alutiiqmom
    alutiiqmom Member Posts: 256

    Dear Edna,
    I can barely write

    Dear Edna,

    I can barely write to you. When I read your caring bridge post I felt like I was having a heart attack. I am so sorry! I know the pain and anguish you went through. I felt (feel) like you, that the only good thing is that the suffering is over. 

    We didn't have David embalmed either. No testing done, no more needles, cuts, injections, invasvie things. I felt like David did his part to further the medical community's knowledge of brain cancer. I finally felt like I had some control over what happened to him. We buried David in a little country pioneer cemetery near the area where I ride my horse. 

    David's cousin in law, our church's worship leader, played the guitar and sang that song from Casting Crowns, "Praise You in the Storm" during David's memorial service. I know it should comfort me but I cry so hard every time I hear that song....

    Please fight against second guessing yourself. I do that all the time...wondering if we should have declined the blood brain barrier, if we should have tried going to Duke or UCSF, if I should have given David more pain medicine, if we should have allowed the feeding tube to be placed..... But I know in my heart it would not have made a difference. 

    May God give you and your family peace and comfort beyond anything you have ever experienced before. And please keep in touch.

    Love and blessings, always,

    Cindy

    thank you

    Hi Cindy:

    I know your pain.  I too feel like I cannot breathe.  It is a pain that I cannot even explain.  It is truly unbearable.

    Thank you for your advice about not second guessing yourself because I am already questioning things.  Thinking, why did we agree to  place the feeding tube back in when Sarah was clearly doing better without it.  How did we not know her digestive system was failing?  I just need to stop and accept that what happened has happened and that was Sarah's path in her life.

    I would love to keep in touch.  I need to get your email.  You are a amazing Mom.  I am glad we can help each other on this site.  May God continue to bless you.

    Edna

  • Davisparrish
    Davisparrish Member Posts: 5
    Praying to God

    Dear Edna,

    I was saddened to learn of Sarah's passing.  Please know you did everything you could for your daughter.  My prayers are for comfort for you and your family at this time. Parrish

     

  • sadinholland
    sadinholland Member Posts: 248

    Praying to God

    Dear Edna,

    I was saddened to learn of Sarah's passing.  Please know you did everything you could for your daughter.  My prayers are for comfort for you and your family at this time. Parrish

     

    Keeping you in my Prayers

    Edna,

    I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family. I hope you find comfort in knowing Sarah is no longer suffering.  Continue to lean on the Lord for your strength, comfort, and understanding . Try not to stress yourself on the ifs,  you did all you could. 

  • jalu
    jalu Member Posts: 58
    I CRIED FOR YOU TODAY...

    Cancer is so unfair.  I do so admire your courage and your strtength.  Your postings and your willingness to share helps so many of us walking the same path today.

    I do so believe that Sarah is happy now with no suffering.  Her spirit is free of the body that caused her such pain.  You now bear her suffering as well as your own.  How fortunate she was to have such a loving famiy -- there every minute to address her woes.  I know you gave her such happiness in her life -- and love.  Her spirit no longer remembers the suffering -- her spirit is full of the love and happiness that you provided for all of her life here on earth.  She is forever.  And you will see her again.  I feel certain.   

    Please know that you are not alone.  There are so many of us out there -- hurting.

    Though nothing can bring back the hour

    Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;

    We will grieve not, rather find

    Strength in what remains behind...

    William Wordsworth

     

  • wanye
    wanye Member Posts: 11
    terribly sorry

    Dear Edna

     

    I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Death is so difficult to understand however we have hope that we shall meet our loved one's and tha they will not bear pain and hurt any more. I will pray for you as I have been may the grace of God and his comfort  surround you and keep you. I trully wish none of us had to deal with this dreadful illness but as we find ourselves in the storm we can only keep our eyes on God and believe he will carry us through the darkness.

    you and your family will be in my prayers. I'm really so sorry for your loss

  • connsteele
    connsteele Member Posts: 232
    Oh my dear Edna, I know how

    Oh my dear Edna, I know how intense your pain is. And also having regrets. Unfortunately, regrets are part of the grieving process. Please know that no matter what you did, you would have regrets because the outcome would have been the same. If you hadn't put in the feeding tube, then you would have wondered if doing so would have given her some more quality time. The awful truth is that we can't know these things. I do believe that our loved ones, as they are facing the end, seem to leave their physical bodies even before their physical ones shut down. They are surrounded by loved ones who have gone before, and looking down with love at those of us left behind, knowing in their hearts that we will all be united again someday.

     

    Of course, this doesn't ease the pain of losing your precious Sarah. It is a dark valley that we have to walk through. I hope and pray that as you begin this grief journey, you will feel her comforting presence guide you.

    Connie

    mother of David

    2/28/77-4/14/12

  • falcon69
    falcon69 Member Posts: 24
    I'm so very sorry

    Dear Edna,

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Sarah. I will keep your family in my prayers.

    May the grace and peace of God be with you all.

    Julie

     

     

     

  • BenLenBo
    BenLenBo Member Posts: 145
    Our hearts break as I read

    Our hearts break as I read about your lovely Sarah.  Please know as a mother you were exceptional in her care, and that

    she loved you for that.  Praying for you to beable to be comforted, along with your family.  May you find peace and remember

    the good times shared with Sarah, you shall carry those memories in your heart forever. 

        Dear Lord,

          Please help me in this time of loss and overwhelming grief.  I don't understand why my life is filled with this pain and heartache.  But I turn

    my eyes to you as I seek to find the strength to trust in your faithfulness.  I will wait on you and  not dispair; I will quietly wait for your salvation.

    My heart is crushed, but I know that you will not abandon me forever.  Please show me your compassion, Lord.  Help through the pain so that

    I will hope in you again.  I believe this promise in your Word to send me fresh mercy each day.  Though I can't see past today, I trust your great

    love will never fail me.  Amen  

    Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32

    God Bless !

    Carol and Benjamin

    * Benjamin had another clean checkup- doctor's called him boring again. Yeah!

     

     

  • nempark
    nempark Member Posts: 681
    My condolences

    So many of us have recently lost a loved one and are grieved by the tremendous emptieness that death causes.  I know and feel your pains, but I also know that this is only temporary. The Scriptures at Collosians 1:11 "that we should be made powerful with all power to the extent of [God’s] glorious might so as to endure fully and be long-suffering with joy.”

    The 26th will be two months since my beloved daughter passed. Thank God that she is no longer suffering.  So many tears I have wiped and kissed away from her face. Just as Cindy mentioned, we should not second guess ourselves.  As mothers we did our best.  God did give us power beyond what is normal to endure their illnesses and to face and accept their peaceful rest.  Revelation 21:4  tells us " he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” God promises us that there will be an end to all this suffering and a time when we will see our loved ones again.

    May the memories you have of precious past years, help to ease the pain and wipe away the tears.  I know it is easier said than done but we will all heal in time.  Please keep healthy for the rest of the family.  Wish I can give you a physical hug.  Try to feel it anyway. May God continue to give all of us the wisdom to endure our trials.  

     

  • 4theloveofmysis
    4theloveofmysis Member Posts: 248
    Dear Edna

    I really was afraid to look on here, so didnt want to know of Sarah's passing. I am so sorry. Please don't second guess your self. I have followed your posted for a long time.You are a wonderful mother. Your gave this your all...Your love shows through. God blessed Sarah with you as her mother, she was truly blessed.

    Love Brenda

     

  • ravirajagopalan
    ravirajagopalan Member Posts: 7
    Condolences

    Hi Edno, condolences. Have followed yourstory for time now - verysorry for your loss.

     

    Ravi

  • alutiiqmom
    alutiiqmom Member Posts: 256
    nempark said:

    My condolences

    So many of us have recently lost a loved one and are grieved by the tremendous emptieness that death causes.  I know and feel your pains, but I also know that this is only temporary. The Scriptures at Collosians 1:11 "that we should be made powerful with all power to the extent of [God’s] glorious might so as to endure fully and be long-suffering with joy.”

    The 26th will be two months since my beloved daughter passed. Thank God that she is no longer suffering.  So many tears I have wiped and kissed away from her face. Just as Cindy mentioned, we should not second guess ourselves.  As mothers we did our best.  God did give us power beyond what is normal to endure their illnesses and to face and accept their peaceful rest.  Revelation 21:4  tells us " he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” God promises us that there will be an end to all this suffering and a time when we will see our loved ones again.

    May the memories you have of precious past years, help to ease the pain and wipe away the tears.  I know it is easier said than done but we will all heal in time.  Please keep healthy for the rest of the family.  Wish I can give you a physical hug.  Try to feel it anyway. May God continue to give all of us the wisdom to endure our trials.  

     

    thank you

    Hello:

    Thank you very much for the scripture and the kind words.  I found your post very comforting.  It is a hard hard road and prayer and scripture will continue to lift our family just as it did during this illness.  May you have God's peace today and always.  God Bless.

    Edna

  • alutiiqmom
    alutiiqmom Member Posts: 256
    BenLenBo said:

    Our hearts break as I read

    Our hearts break as I read about your lovely Sarah.  Please know as a mother you were exceptional in her care, and that

    she loved you for that.  Praying for you to beable to be comforted, along with your family.  May you find peace and remember

    the good times shared with Sarah, you shall carry those memories in your heart forever. 

        Dear Lord,

          Please help me in this time of loss and overwhelming grief.  I don't understand why my life is filled with this pain and heartache.  But I turn

    my eyes to you as I seek to find the strength to trust in your faithfulness.  I will wait on you and  not dispair; I will quietly wait for your salvation.

    My heart is crushed, but I know that you will not abandon me forever.  Please show me your compassion, Lord.  Help through the pain so that

    I will hope in you again.  I believe this promise in your Word to send me fresh mercy each day.  Though I can't see past today, I trust your great

    love will never fail me.  Amen  

    Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32

    God Bless !

    Carol and Benjamin

    * Benjamin had another clean checkup- doctor's called him boring again. Yeah!

     

     

    Yes! for Ben

    Carol:

    Thank you for the love and support.  It is so comforting to read all of the kiind words from fellow Mother's who are fighting for their children.  It really is a battle.  I feel exhausted after Sarah's.  I am very happy that Ben had a good checkup.  May Ben have favor every day of his life.  Fight Carol (I know you will).  God Bless you and Ben and all of your family.

    love, Edna

  • alutiiqmom
    alutiiqmom Member Posts: 256

    Dear Edna

    I really was afraid to look on here, so didnt want to know of Sarah's passing. I am so sorry. Please don't second guess your self. I have followed your posted for a long time.You are a wonderful mother. Your gave this your all...Your love shows through. God blessed Sarah with you as her mother, she was truly blessed.

    Love Brenda

     

    Thank you

    Thank you Brenda.  God Bless you.

  • PBJ Austin
    PBJ Austin Member Posts: 347
    So sorry Edna

    I have followed your story and I have dreaded to read this post.  I cry for everyone we lose on this board.  You are a great mom and you took good care of your baby when she needed you most.

    Sending love and hugs your way.

    Pam