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I am sure I am not the only one...but curious

Posts: 6563
Joined: Oct 2010

I just had breast surgery 3 wks ago (2 x left side). I have have over 20 surgeries for misc things (bike accident, car accident, arthrisis, hystercomty due to tamoxifen etc etc)

So my question is: anyone else her have a child (grown) who has never come to any of their surgeries. (or visit them while in hospital)?

I know an odd question-but my oldest 25 yrs old-2 children-all live a home now for 3 yrs. She has never gone to a surgery or anything. I just had surgery 3 wks ago thinking it was cancer (LUCKILY NOT) and she was off that day. HER boys were in school all day!

I do not take her persoanl since this is just her personality-but just seems so odd to me!

Any thoughts?

I care for her children 6 days a week-so trusts me-I think loves me though not one to show it, not hugs etc.


Posts: 653
Joined: Oct 2012

It is odd, but maybe there is a fear. I don't know, really. It's hard to see parents suffer.

Posts: 992
Joined: Sep 2009

I learned that we teach people how to tread us. Let her know how you feel. Nstanding up for yourself is very healing. You deserve better!


DianeBC's picture
Posts: 3886
Joined: Jun 2009

People, family members react so differently after hearing someone in their family was diagnosed with cancer.  She may be having a hard time dealing with it Denise.  She may just be scared of losing you.  Have you sat down and talked to her about this?  I think that would be a good idea.  Let her know how you feel.



SIROD's picture
Posts: 2199
Joined: Jun 2010

Well Denise, I have had as many surgeries as you. I have been hospitalized more times than I want to remember. I have always ask that no one visit me. If possible, I choose an out of town hospital. If not, those who call, I will say upfront, please don't come. This included my grown children. They do call me while I am in the hospital.

I'm in the hospital for a reason and I don't want to play hostess to visitors. I'm sick, I look like hell and I don't want people around. I need to rest. Perhaps I am just different.

If you wanted your daughter to visit, could you not say, "hey, dear daughter, I would like some company, especially you to visit with me while I'm at the hospital".

For me, it's normal behavior. I also hate flowers. I'm sick, I can't get up and water them. Nothing I dislike more than to see a beautiful arrangement of flowers wilt. The nurses, aides and hospital people have their own work that should not include watering your flowers. I have always thought that those who send them, have never been really sick, otherwise they would know it is a burden to take care of them while trying to take care of yourself.

I don't want them at home either for the same reason. However, send them to me while I'm well and can enjoy them.

Some people are not huggers. However, I do believe you should talk to your daughter about how you feel. People can't read minds. Just inform her nicely, your her mom and advice should come naturally.


LoveBabyJesus's picture
Posts: 1680
Joined: Jan 2011

My relationship with my mother hasn't been so great. One time, when I was 19, she had surgery. I only went to see her once. She was asleep. Until this day she believes I never came to see her. I never really denied it. Anyhow, we weren't speaking to each other then. Plus my grandma (who raised me) was dying from ovarian cancer so I bought a ticket to be with her. Although I was angry at my mother, I came to see her once. Didn't want to go back because I had fear. I sense your children may be facing fear. I had a different situation.

I hope this helps.

CypressCynthia's picture
Posts: 4014
Joined: Oct 2009

My daughter gets furious if I don't call her...lol. She was really mad when I had a heart attack and didn't call her until the next day. In my defense, everyone at the hospital kept insisting it was probably just esophageal spasm and I wasn't sure what was going on until the next morning when my enzymes jumped. Katherine's mantra is now, "If you are sick enough to call an ambulance, you have to notify your only child." She is funny.

Back to your question, I see what seems to be about 5-10% of folks who have a true aversion or phobia to hospitals. Frankly, I would rather them stay away. I have had fathers in the OR black out about 3 or 4 times over my career (many others have looked woozy but managed to stay seated). It is no fun and can be risky to the patient, because it can tap critical resources at a critical time. It really can be dangerous.

So, my advice (for what it is worth...lol), don't force anyone to visit in the hospital who is not up to the task (for whatever reason). Enlist someone else if you possibly can.

Have you ever asked her why she doesn't come to the hospital? Sometimes, a child (no matter the age) has a hard time dealing with our having cancer. Some are clueless that you need help and you may have to be specific in what you expect--hubbie used to be like this, but now he is a perfect angel. It took a lot of training though ;-).

Posts: 6563
Joined: Oct 2010

I totally agree I would never ask her to come along or visit. I had a very good friend come to the Dr (pre surgery) appt. My hubby and youngest came to the surgeries.

This question was more to see if unusual-I am not hurt..I KNOW THAT IS her and no changing it. OF course I love her no matter what-I just know not mushy gushy!


Posts: 113
Joined: May 2010

Hey DS! Merry Christmas!

A few of the reasons (coming from the oldest and most distant (geographically) and emotionally (mom really does like one of our sisters THE BEST, she's her pet and Mom will tell you so (you'd think after 50 some years, I'd be over it, but it still stings...but it is what it is)

You say you watch your older one's kids 6 days a week. So there is some interaction. She probably figures she has the daily check in shift, and the younger one is for the big stuff (don't be surprised if you ask them about this and find out they have talked about it). Also, since your oldest sees you almost daily, she may not notice changes in you that your younger one would.

In my family, there are 3 boys and 4 girls (yeah girls!). The 2 girls that live closest to mom are her "primary" daughters. The 3rd one and myself are the "hospital" daughters...because the hospital is closer to us than Mom's house. If mom has to be in the hospital, it is understood that I will be there. I'm the one who helped her fill out her "five wishes" (basically end-of-life decisions). She said she wanted me to do it cos I have legal experience and have a cool head. OF COURSE I wasn't listed as anyone who could make any decisions, but I have Mom's permission to make sure her wishes are followed. I am the oldest girl, so I do have some "boss 'em around" standing. (Oh, the boys are great at being the drivers. They help out too) And mom cuts me a little slack, she gets how exhausted I am.

It is great that you don't feel offended. You might try asking oldest why this is so, in a very non-confrontational way. and LUCKY YOU, grandkids every day! I know, they're exausting, especially when you don't feel well. But, for me, some days, my grandkids are the only reason I hang around.

tufi000's picture
Posts: 739
Joined: Jun 2005

When my hubby had some minor surgery, his son (at the time) 23 yr old son came for the whole thing. Afterwards in recovery he almost fainted and got really weird. At home we talked and he said that seeing his dad looking so vulnerable in the bed with equipment and all the stuff blew him away. It was very shocking to him.
Also my bro did not handle our dad's cancer struggle well either though we are a close family he just couldn't deal.
I am cautious associating negative reasons and stressing this kind of thing because I have learned it isn't always at it appears.
Love can make your fears surface in many ways.

I totally go with Doris. I prefer to have my private space and do not want anyone around.

Posts: 6563
Joined: Oct 2010

Thanks for all the replies...

My youngest (20 yrs) slept at the hospital each night with me! when I GOT HOME she did all the work. changing bandages, helping me shower, dress, driving me to ER 2 times.

I do not get my feeling hurt and would never say come see me. (if not wanting to no need to be there)

I am so bad with medical situations, I have needed smelling salts on few occassions with in the ER with my mom. When my husband was hit head on by bus-I ran to the accident-went in ambulance with him and I got wheeled in since so pale and wooozy. (big joke to this day)

Though I can't handle medical I have stayed in the hospital with my youngest on 3-4 occasions. Always went with my mom for many procedures.

WE are just all different-I am softy and my oldest is just not-my youngest even left college class with professors permission few weeks ago. So I AM concluding it is all in the personality of each person-how they handle things..

I appreciate your replies..


Posts: 332
Joined: Sep 2010

I had neck surgery back in the early 90's and neither daughter came.  Plus many things in between.  As for the cancer ... well they said it was only small and everyone they knew got over it.  Hate to admit to these daughters short sightedness or whatever you want to call it.  They seem to think only of them selves but I love them as much as always.  Hoping one day they will grow up. They are 45 and 46. God bless you and know we all are there for you. Diana

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