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Dear Cindy: My heart is already broken and after reading your posts it breaks a million more times. I feel your pain and I know exactly what you went through and what you are going through now. My daughter was dx with blood cancer one year ago and the situation was the same as David. I did everything, she was in remission and then relapsed and spent 6 weeks in hospital and never recovered. She stopped eating completely in the last week (no tubes and she requested not to be ressuciated. Just like you Cindy, I watched my child took her last breath. Please Cindy, David is no longer feeling pain or sorrw, like my daughter he is at rest. There will come a time when we will see our loved ones again. Please check your Bible Revelation 21:3,4. I hope as time goes by the pain will be less. Please take care of yourself and as one mother to a mother who has suffered the same loss, please let me know how you are doing. I now know what it feels like to be heartbroken. My sincerest best wishes for you and your family.

cindysuetoyou's picture
Posts: 514
Joined: Dec 2009

Dear Nempark,

Thank you for your note. I am so sorry that you lost your daughter. Thank you for thinking of me and writing to me in spite of your grief for your daughter.

I read that Scripture that you referred to. It's a great one that brings me comfort. I don't know how to explain how I am feeling. I totally believe in God and I trust Him. I know that He is good, all the time. I believe that David is in a better place, he's not suffering, and I will see him again one day. But even with these beliefs, I am still so miserable and heartsick and missing David so much. I have periods of time where I am more functional and can talk about David without having a meltdown. My friend who lost her son 16 years ago in a car accident (he was 13) tells me that the peroids of time where I am "okay" will start getting longer and the "grief attacks" will get less frequent and not last as long. I'm waiting for that to happen.

I'm tormented by remembering the pain and suffering David had to endure. I think about what I should have done differently, if I should have not made David get a PEG tube, if I should have tried going to a different doctor.....the "what ifs" I guess. I feel guilty and like I failed David and I can't think why I feel that way. I know I tried my hardest and did everything I could have done. But I still feel guilt.

I'm disappointed with myself that my faith isn't strong enough for me to be better able to handle David's death. I feel helpless and the waves of grief wash over me like a physical thing.

I put off having my torn ACL repaired. I tore it a month before David's recurrence and when that happened, I didn't want to get it fixed and be unable to give David the help he needed. Since I'm not his caretaker any more, I went ahead and scheduled the surgery. They did a pre-surgery EKG and found something off with my heart. I need to have a stress test and some other tests done before I have the surgery. I am sure my heart issue is directly related to the stress from caring for David, and now from the stress I feel about his death.

How old was your daughter? And how do you get through your days? Sometimes I say to myself, "Left foot, right foot...." and that's how I get through the hard times.

Thank you again for writing to me.
Love and blessings, always.
Cindy in Salem, OR

Posts: 683
Joined: Apr 2010

Cindy, It's not even two months for you, it is still fresh and I can relate to the "ifs" and "if nots" "should" or "should have" it's all just what we are "humans". I remembRe two weekS before my daughter (40 years old, single no children) passed I had this great idea of taking her to Florida and enjoy the rest of her time there, that was short lived because the Docs said no way can she travel. This is when I started to think that I should have tried alternative medicine. I thought of all the different types of organic foods I made for her and all the vitamins she took, maybe that contributed to her not getting better, maybe it was too much for her. Maybe I didn't give her the right foods. I can go on and on. The thing is Cindy, WE DID OUR BEST and our children knew this. Her memorial service was on Saturday and her primary Oncologist came to the service and when I saw him, as pleased as I was, I thought that he did not do good for my daughter (not fair, he did all he could). But it is us Cindy, as mothers we feel guilty that we couldn't save our children who had so much confidence in us. But they are not disappointed, we are and we are sad and misses them so much. THEY ARE AT PEACE AND RESTING.
Today, I was going through her papers and I cried and cried and cried, but I managed to complete and gather up all the hospital bills, enormous amount of co-pay, I don't know how that is going to work out.

I did like you Cindy, I had a pap smear in September and never went for the results, because I didn't want to know anything during her illness. Now, I am even more afraid to call the Doc. Of course, your heart issue relates to the stress you have gone through, but the medical community is super great when it comes to the heart, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. I am making it through the days because up until now I had a lot of visitors from out of state and my daughter and her children are staying for another week. I also cry a lot Cindy, but I know that in time both you and I will be better, we will never forget, but we will stop hurting and the severe grief will slowly subside. I am thinking of going away.....I don't know as of yet where, but it's up to my husband he is not the up and travel type.
Cindy, I beg you - it's okay to cry and grieve, but to feel guilty is not okay and your son would not want you to feel this way, he knows that you are sad and will miss him but he will not want to see his mom who struggled with him continue to struggle now that he is not here. I feel your pain Cindy, I am even thinking maybe I should have given her some money when she wasn't sick (laugh.)

Cindy, cry and cry eventually the pains will ease. I do hope when you read this you will be able to see that you are not alone and that you will survive this and live a normal (new normal) life again.

Before I go I will leave you a comforting Scripture:-


Be well my friend and remember it's okay to grieve and cry, Jesus cried when he heard his friend Lazarus had died.

Sisters three
Posts: 166
Joined: Nov 2012

I have lost a 22 year old son. I fell into that black hole of despair. There was something that helped me a bit. It was a dream where my son came to me
For the sole purpose of getting mad and even yelling at me a little. Basically his comments were, "Mom, I'm busy here, you can't follow me. This is not for you. PLEASE I have so much to do, GO HOME!"

After having that dream I remembered a similar one after my mother died from breast cancer. She was dressed in a business suit, this was a jeans and tennis shoe lady but here she was all dressed up in a professional way. Her comments were much the same without the yelling, She walked very fast into my dream with a smile explaining she had soooo much to do, please go about my life and let her get on with it. She grinned and walked quickly away.

Ladies our children STILL have a purpose, they still exist just not where we can get to them. They are active and busy. This I know in my heart.

Love to you both!

cindysuetoyou's picture
Posts: 514
Joined: Dec 2009

I really appreciate you two moms, taking the time and making the effort to help me, even while you have experienced the same great loss that I have---losing a child. Thank you for reaching out to me and helping me. It means a lot to me. I need to know that other people know what this is like, and that they are surviving the same loss as I face. I hate that you two have the same pain, but I am so grateful that you are blazing a trail for me to follow.

I was talking to my daughter Christy about your messages and she and I agreed that part of why I am having such a hard time is that I'm stuck in a phase of my grieving where I am totally focusing on the last bad year of David's battle. I keep thinking of past things and treatments and surgeries and seizures and all the sad, terrible aspects of David's battle. Instead I should be thinking about where he is now, that he's free from pain, happy, perfect, untouched by cancer or any suffering or misery. I'm trying to focus on this, but it's such a battle for me mentally. There's so many reminders of David in my life. He died in the bedroom that I sleep in. His pictures are everywhere. I can't bring myself to take them down. I feel like I need to power through this grieving stage and get through it, but man, I feel so weak and helpless.

But I am going to try to think forward, not look back, and try to live my life one day at a time, looking forward to being reunited one day with David in a truly better, pain-free place.

And you are both right....David would be so upset if he knew that his death was destroying my life. His friends told me on many occasions that he really worried and grieved about how hard his situation was on me. That was so David....worrying about me when he was battling for his life.

Oh, I love him so much.

Love and blessings,

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