CINDYSUETOYOU---PLEASE READ

cindysuetoyou said:

I'm sorry
Dear Nempark,

Thank you for your note. I am so sorry that you lost your daughter. Thank you for thinking of me and writing to me in spite of your grief for your daughter.

I read that Scripture that you referred to. It's a great one that brings me comfort. I don't know how to explain how I am feeling. I totally believe in God and I trust Him. I know that He is good, all the time. I believe that David is in a better place, he's not suffering, and I will see him again one day. But even with these beliefs, I am still so miserable and heartsick and missing David so much. I have periods of time where I am more functional and can talk about David without having a meltdown. My friend who lost her son 16 years ago in a car accident (he was 13) tells me that the peroids of time where I am "okay" will start getting longer and the "grief attacks" will get less frequent and not last as long. I'm waiting for that to happen.

I'm tormented by remembering the pain and suffering David had to endure. I think about what I should have done differently, if I should have not made David get a PEG tube, if I should have tried going to a different doctor.....the "what ifs" I guess. I feel guilty and like I failed David and I can't think why I feel that way. I know I tried my hardest and did everything I could have done. But I still feel guilt.

I'm disappointed with myself that my faith isn't strong enough for me to be better able to handle David's death. I feel helpless and the waves of grief wash over me like a physical thing.

I put off having my torn ACL repaired. I tore it a month before David's recurrence and when that happened, I didn't want to get it fixed and be unable to give David the help he needed. Since I'm not his caretaker any more, I went ahead and scheduled the surgery. They did a pre-surgery EKG and found something off with my heart. I need to have a stress test and some other tests done before I have the surgery. I am sure my heart issue is directly related to the stress from caring for David, and now from the stress I feel about his death.

How old was your daughter? And how do you get through your days? Sometimes I say to myself, "Left foot, right foot...." and that's how I get through the hard times.

Thank you again for writing to me.
Love and blessings, always.
Cindy in Salem, OR

Cindy It;s not even two months for you!!!
Cindy, It's not even two months for you, it is still fresh and I can relate to the "ifs" and "if nots" "should" or "should have" it's all just what we are "humans". I remembRe two weekS before my daughter (40 years old, single no children) passed I had this great idea of taking her to Florida and enjoy the rest of her time there, that was short lived because the Docs said no way can she travel. This is when I started to think that I should have tried alternative medicine. I thought of all the different types of organic foods I made for her and all the vitamins she took, maybe that contributed to her not getting better, maybe it was too much for her. Maybe I didn't give her the right foods. I can go on and on. The thing is Cindy, WE DID OUR BEST and our children knew this. Her memorial service was on Saturday and her primary Oncologist came to the service and when I saw him, as pleased as I was, I thought that he did not do good for my daughter (not fair, he did all he could). But it is us Cindy, as mothers we feel guilty that we couldn't save our children who had so much confidence in us. But they are not disappointed, we are and we are sad and misses them so much. THEY ARE AT PEACE AND RESTING.
Today, I was going through her papers and I cried and cried and cried, but I managed to complete and gather up all the hospital bills, enormous amount of co-pay, I don't know how that is going to work out.

I did like you Cindy, I had a pap smear in September and never went for the results, because I didn't want to know anything during her illness. Now, I am even more afraid to call the Doc. Of course, your heart issue relates to the stress you have gone through, but the medical community is super great when it comes to the heart, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. I am making it through the days because up until now I had a lot of visitors from out of state and my daughter and her children are staying for another week. I also cry a lot Cindy, but I know that in time both you and I will be better, we will never forget, but we will stop hurting and the severe grief will slowly subside. I am thinking of going away.....I don't know as of yet where, but it's up to my husband he is not the up and travel type.
Cindy, I beg you - it's okay to cry and grieve, but to feel guilty is not okay and your son would not want you to feel this way, he knows that you are sad and will miss him but he will not want to see his mom who struggled with him continue to struggle now that he is not here. I feel your pain Cindy, I am even thinking maybe I should have given her some money when she wasn't sick (laugh.)

Cindy, cry and cry eventually the pains will ease. I do hope when you read this you will be able to see that you are not alone and that you will survive this and live a normal (new normal) life again.

Before I go I will leave you a comforting Scripture:-

(2 Corinthians 1:3-4) BLESSED BE THE GOD AND FATHER OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST, THE FATHER OF TENDER MERCIES AND THE GOD OF ALL COMFORT, WHO COMFORTS US IN ALL OUR TRIBULATION, THAT WE MAY BE ABLE TO COMFORT THOSE IN ANY SORT OF TRIBULATION THROUGH THE COMFORT WITH WHICH WE OURSELVES ARE BEING COMFORTED BY GOD.

Be well my friend and remember it's okay to grieve and cry, Jesus cried when he heard his friend Lazarus had died.