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Trying to keep going

HootieGirl's picture
Posts: 85
Joined: Feb 2011

Hi ladies!

Wish I had better news to write y'all. I am out of the hospital which is one good thing, but am still in so much pain. That was without a doubt the toughest surgery I have ever had. I've never been in so much pain in my life. Things are getting easier day by day though. I just have to remember to be patient. The unfortunate news is that I saw my radiation oncologist today. I had a ct scan done for my preop so that my neuro surgeons could plan the surgery and my radiation oncologist looked at it today. I was told that I have 7 tumors in both of my lungs and there aren't really any treatment options. The only option is to do chemotherapy, but since my tumor has never responded to chemo, its a less than 5% chance that it will do anything.

I'm trying to decide whether I should do anything or just live out the rest of my time enjoying my friends and family and enjoying life. Quality of life has always been so important to me. I don't know if I can go through losing my hair again because I just felt so ugly and so not 'me' in addition to being so sick and feeling terrible. Back in March I was told that my disease had become terminal, but I refused to accept that and decided that there was no way I was going to lose this fight. Now that it has spread to my lungs, I am faced with the reality that this really is terminal. I feel so incredibly hopeless. I don't know how I'm supposed to come to terms with the fact that I'm 21 and I'm dying and there is nothing I can do about it. I know people say miracles happen all the time and I am one of those believers, but at the end of the day I have to be honest with myself and accept the fact that sometimes there isn't always a happy ending. I have quite a bit of time to decide about chemo since my spine has to be completely healed before I begin any kind of treatments.

I just don't really know how you go on living your life knowing that you're going to die. This is so incredibly difficult. I hate the hurt I am causing my friends and family. I hate that every time I feel like things are starting to turn around, something bad happens. I wish I understood God's master plan and why all of this is happening. I am just so devastated. Please continue to pray because I know that regardless of treatments, prayer is one thing that always works. I will continue to keep you ladies in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for all of your kindness and support.


DebbyM's picture
Posts: 3293
Joined: Oct 2009

I put you on our prayer list at church Kat.

Hugs, Debby

jnl's picture
Posts: 3873
Joined: May 2009

I am like the other sisters as it's hard to even find the words to write back to you Kat. You have always been an inspiration to all of us on this board and you still are. I know we all write the word amazing about you, but, that's because you are! Kat, you are an amazing, young, beautiful pink sister!

You're just too young to have to endure any of this and that angers me. No one should have to, but, certainly not at your age.

You will be in my prayers Kat and I am always here for you. Please come back and post anything new for us as we love you.

Love and lots of prayers,


Lynn Smith
Posts: 1265
Joined: Mar 2011

This is alot for a young lady like you to have to comprehend.It's hard ehough for us so we know what it must be for you.I believe in Prayer.I never stop praying and many times miracles have happened in my life.I prayed for them. That's what I'll do for you.

For what to do.I guess the chance that just maybe chemo will kick in I think I would go for it.Wish you could start now but I know you need to heal from this other surgery.If there would be just a glimmer of hope I would try.I hear so many have one chemo not working.Try another and it works. I guess I would wish for that.

Will continue to think about you and Pray. I hope whatever decision you make you get get a quick recovery from this last painful surgery.Then decide on the chemo or take the time for your family and friends.Your family and friends will support you on whatever you decide.And of course your PINK SISTERS.'

Lynn Smith

Kristin N's picture
Kristin N
Posts: 1969
Joined: Mar 2009

Any news on Kat?

Ritzy's picture
Posts: 4382
Joined: Aug 2009

I went to church Kat and lit a candle for you and said a prayer. Prayers are heard and I pray that mine was.


mariam_11_09's picture
Posts: 695
Joined: Nov 2009

I am speechless. What you have been through is absolutely astounding and the courage you have facing all of this at the age of 21. It is heart breaking! Whatever your decision, it is supported and we will keep prayer for you. Many many hugs and love to you. Mariam.

aisling8's picture
Posts: 1618
Joined: Feb 2010

in my thoughts and prayers.


Angie2U's picture
Posts: 2992
Joined: Sep 2009

Still looking and checking for any update.

Hugs to you Kat,


Ctine70's picture
Posts: 150
Joined: Sep 2012

Kat you have been on my mind I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing?
Hugs Christine

Posts: 4376
Joined: Jun 2009

You are special and one very amazing young woman. Praying as hard as I can for you.

Hugs, Jan

Posts: 579
Joined: Dec 2010

Hate the fact you are so young. I am so sorry about your news and all of us totally feel for you as only we can. Tough decision. I have decided if this happens to me in the future I would prefer to let things take their course but when reality kicks in we don't know what we will decide at the time. Thinking you need to get all the facts, sit down with the professionals, then have some personal time for you to think things through. Perhaps some one very special to you could at least not guide you but be there to listen to you and your thoughts. Sorry sweetheart........ There are no words to explain how I feel.

Eleanor1's picture
Posts: 68
Joined: Sep 2012

I cried reading your post but I prayed harder to God that you will get better and to give you more strength and for Him to walk with you hand in hand.

Noel's picture
Posts: 3100
Joined: Apr 2009

Kat, I hope that you've made your decision and whatever it is, we will all be here supporting you.

Hugs and lots more prayers,


Posts: 1416
Joined: Mar 2001

I too am very sorry for your news and know that you are close to many of our hearts let alone our souls. At stage 3 and with cancer I had I know what it means to be scared and sometimes just knowing what you have control over and what you do not can help make decisions with a little clearer of a conscience. But know this is something you have to do for yourself and that too helps to make better decisions.
You are so young, so beautiful and I am sorry you carry the burden of the others because you should not. You now have to worry about you alone and that sometimes is the hardest thing to do.
I am glad you have this site to lay all you feel because I do know one thing more than anything we all need to let so much go and if not sharing with those closest to us we need to lay it all somewhere and it doesn't get any better than this.

BE good to yourself always and be that best friend to yourself first...

Kristin N's picture
Kristin N
Posts: 1969
Joined: Mar 2009

I know whatever path you take Kat, it will be what you want. Just hoping that you will update us soon.

Sunrae's picture
Posts: 808
Joined: Oct 2009

Dear Kat, My heart aches for you but I so admire what a wonderful woman you are. You're so inspiring to the rest of us. I think that all of us here have at one time or the other wondered what is the right path for us to take. At some point we might have to make the decision to go forward with treatment or live our life with as much joy as we can pack in. God does have a plan for each of us but we don't always know which way He'll take us but He will direct us in the right path. You're so special to us and God. He hasn't forgotten you and He will never leave you. You are in my prayers as well as all of those here on this board. Please believe and know how much you are loved here. Your light is shining so brightly each and every day to all those who come in contact with you. Much love!


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