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Owner of a Lonely Heart

Doc_Hawk
Doc_Hawk Member Posts: 685
I've heard from one other person who has had similar experience, so I wanted to see if this is common or not. I believe in being upfront and honest about my dx, so when I meet a new lady and things start going well I let her know early on that I have Stage IV cancer. I get some typical supportive sounding noise, but then after that date it's the last I hear from them. This has happened about five times or more in the past year. There's only been two exceptions: the first one actually chastised me for dating and expecting to "put someone through that." What was really terrible about her is that she's a cancer patient navigator at a center in Salt Lake City. I certainly hope that she at least fakes more sympathy with her patients. The other opted for the "just friends" route, which we are.

I'm certainly not looking for marriage, but I do enjoy the company of women and it's always nice to have someone on the backseat when I go riding. So, has anyone else had this sort of experience?

Doc
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Comments

  • barbebarb
    barbebarb Member Posts: 464
    Matters of the heart
    This is a post that hits home with me in a similiar yet same way. I thought my life was starting over in 2008 (being divorced) w/stage 1 and now being stage 4 in treatment I wonder if I will even have companionship once I have to break the news.... I did a lot of reading on this but I think it takes a special person and chemistry with compassion for even a casual relationship.
    I belong to support group and it seems everyone had a spouse or caregiver.....ugh Luckily I've had friends who have been supportive.
    People don't understand we want normalcy in respect to our intimate feelings. They still exist and need
    companionship and nurturing...
    Those aquaintences you made sounded shallow and they deserve the 'put you thru that' speech, not you!
    I sure hope I will get some time to go out again and just socialize..so much I cant do now and chemo starts Friday!...I can relate. :-)
    I have had to give up my dog to my X because I cant walk him due to lung surgery (am recooping and walking more) and my counselor is concerned because I have no family support. She called it 'internal scaffolding' is how I handle things. This is all about handling cancer somewhat on your own ....
    Anyways, I do understand your post and I appreciate the opportunity to expresss myself.
    I think if you start to have feelings towards someone or a situation presents itself you should be honest.
    That's my take and when I return to work there will be aqaintances (not love interest lol that I will have to figure out what to say about my cancer...now this subject is another post!
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364
    Dear Doc
    At the time of diagnosis I had a special friend. He and I had been 'an item' for about 4 years through his own health issues and I thought he was someone who would stick.

    I give him credit, he did support me emotionally thru my surgery and recovery, but after I seemed to be on the mend he started distancing himself until he was just gone (we did not live together).

    It certainly takes a special person to be willing to become and remain emotionally invested with somoeone who has cancer. I guess they are out there, but I personally have stopped looking.

    For you I would suggest you just keep kissing the 'frogs' until you find the princess.

    Hugs and good luck on the hunt,

    Marie who loves kitties
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787

    Dear Doc
    At the time of diagnosis I had a special friend. He and I had been 'an item' for about 4 years through his own health issues and I thought he was someone who would stick.

    I give him credit, he did support me emotionally thru my surgery and recovery, but after I seemed to be on the mend he started distancing himself until he was just gone (we did not live together).

    It certainly takes a special person to be willing to become and remain emotionally invested with somoeone who has cancer. I guess they are out there, but I personally have stopped looking.

    For you I would suggest you just keep kissing the 'frogs' until you find the princess.

    Hugs and good luck on the hunt,

    Marie who loves kitties

    Hummmm.....
    I think birds of a feather flock together......meaning if it were me out there seeking companionship.....I would look for someone also dealing with cancer.....who could relate better????? Who would understand more????? Seek out cancer support groups in your area. I respect you being upfront about your cancer....as you should be. When you are labeled "terminal"...... It kinda puts a damper on things..... I mean REALLY? Aren't we ALL terminal?????? You go get em doc!. If I was single I sure would get in your back seat,,,,, lol. :-)
    Jennie
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111
    Hi Doc:
    Geez I'm sorry. I'm guessing it is fear of the unknown. If the ladies have lost someone close to cancer the fear of the unknown sets in. If they have taken care of someone with cancer again, the fear sets in. They are afraid of investing their heart.

    I sure hope things turn around for you. A while back someone on here was talking about a "dating website" for people with cancer. Maybe try a google search for something like that, you never know what might be around the corner.

    Watch out for Jennie, next thing you know she will be driving your bike and you will be the backseat passenger!

    Take care - Tina
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787
    geotina said:

    Hi Doc:
    Geez I'm sorry. I'm guessing it is fear of the unknown. If the ladies have lost someone close to cancer the fear of the unknown sets in. If they have taken care of someone with cancer again, the fear sets in. They are afraid of investing their heart.

    I sure hope things turn around for you. A while back someone on here was talking about a "dating website" for people with cancer. Maybe try a google search for something like that, you never know what might be around the corner.

    Watch out for Jennie, next thing you know she will be driving your bike and you will be the backseat passenger!

    Take care - Tina

    HA HA Tina!!!!
    Don't listen to her Doc..... SHE is the wild woman! :-)

    Jennie
  • danker
    danker Member Posts: 1,276
    lonely heart
    I cannot relate to you problem. In ten days I'll have been married to the love of my life for 55 years, It looks like all the female responders are a bit wild. I cannot imagine trying to find female companions, but good luck to you.
  • dmj101
    dmj101 Member Posts: 527
    :)
    I can't speak...

    :)

    I can't speak...
  • dmj101
    dmj101 Member Posts: 527
    dmj101 said:

    :)
    I can't speak...

    :)

    I can't speak...

    I guess I have scared you..
    Even my friends have become ellussive.. .. frightened of me,. and my family doesn't want to see me as they are afraid of their own mortality.. Though the people I work with have been really wonderful.
    I have a few friends who still talk to me and make an effort but even then I see this pain in them that makes me so uncomfortable that I just loose interest..
    I am not sure Lonely is strong enough adjective to describe how I feel.
    I am thankful I have found this site and all the people here who listen to me rant...
    Thank you,
    Donna
  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,712 **
    Hard
    It's got to be very hard. There is so much in question and yes, when a woman wants to give her heart she doesn't want it broken, but I've learned long ago with my first marriage that hearts get broken. You seem like such a down to earth, fun going guy (especially with the Ren Fest) and things that I'd just want to do and wouldn't hesitate to date (but, gosh I'm married), we live in different states. You might want to go to meetings like someone suggested or just try to go to a cancer chat line. I've known several who have married from being on a chat line. Wishing you luck sire (and doggy sire). Oh wait, is it My Lord with the hand gesture - yup that's it :)

    Kim
  • Doc_Hawk
    Doc_Hawk Member Posts: 685

    Hummmm.....
    I think birds of a feather flock together......meaning if it were me out there seeking companionship.....I would look for someone also dealing with cancer.....who could relate better????? Who would understand more????? Seek out cancer support groups in your area. I respect you being upfront about your cancer....as you should be. When you are labeled "terminal"...... It kinda puts a damper on things..... I mean REALLY? Aren't we ALL terminal?????? You go get em doc!. If I was single I sure would get in your back seat,,,,, lol. :-)
    Jennie

    Terminal
    Yep, we were all born terminal. I could check out tomorrow thanks to an inattentive driver not watching out for motorcycles or (as I've said before) in 67 years by getting shot to death by a jealous husband.

    Forget about being single, Jennie! Regardless of the above statement, I don't poach so yo'd be safe as houses with me! If it wasn't for the distance, I'd put the backpegs down for ya!
  • Doc_Hawk
    Doc_Hawk Member Posts: 685
    geotina said:

    Hi Doc:
    Geez I'm sorry. I'm guessing it is fear of the unknown. If the ladies have lost someone close to cancer the fear of the unknown sets in. If they have taken care of someone with cancer again, the fear sets in. They are afraid of investing their heart.

    I sure hope things turn around for you. A while back someone on here was talking about a "dating website" for people with cancer. Maybe try a google search for something like that, you never know what might be around the corner.

    Watch out for Jennie, next thing you know she will be driving your bike and you will be the backseat passenger!

    Take care - Tina

    Backseat
    Naw, I don't even let the mechanics drive it when I put it in the shop! If anyone else drives my war pony, it'll be Laurie after I sign it over to her.

    BTW, the saddle is new and the backseat is still a virgin, just waiting for someone to break her in. Maybe this weekend when I ride up to Idaho Falls for a Brewery Fest.

    (BTW Tina, your avatar reminds me of the Luke Bryan song "Country Girl Shake It For ME")
  • Doc_Hawk
    Doc_Hawk Member Posts: 685

    HA HA Tina!!!!
    Don't listen to her Doc..... SHE is the wild woman! :-)

    Jennie

    Wyld Women!
    Yeehaw, Jennie! Don't worry, there's a backseat for one and the handlebars for the other!
  • Doc_Hawk
    Doc_Hawk Member Posts: 685

    Dear Doc
    At the time of diagnosis I had a special friend. He and I had been 'an item' for about 4 years through his own health issues and I thought he was someone who would stick.

    I give him credit, he did support me emotionally thru my surgery and recovery, but after I seemed to be on the mend he started distancing himself until he was just gone (we did not live together).

    It certainly takes a special person to be willing to become and remain emotionally invested with somoeone who has cancer. I guess they are out there, but I personally have stopped looking.

    For you I would suggest you just keep kissing the 'frogs' until you find the princess.

    Hugs and good luck on the hunt,

    Marie who loves kitties

    Frogs
    Heck Marie, I'd be happy to even get a chance to kiss a "frog" these days! That said, the main reason I'm not looking for romance is because I am hopelessly in love with a lady I've known for almost six years, I'll call her Liz, which is the diminutive of her middle name, but she shares the first name of a certain kitty lover on this site. I was just out of a train wreck of a marriage and in the middle of a train wreck relationship when we met and became good friends. I did ask her to marry me two months before my dx, but she's very afraid of commitment like that because of an abusive past. She has said that if/when I go terminal, she'd drop everything to spend my last days with me. I just wish she'd come and spend my last decades with me.

    There's a line in the chorus of the Yes song that I took the title of this thread from that goes "Owner of a Lonely Heart (much better than the) Owner of a Broken Heart". As long as Liz is 2000 miles away, I'm both.
  • Doc_Hawk
    Doc_Hawk Member Posts: 685
    danker said:

    lonely heart
    I cannot relate to you problem. In ten days I'll have been married to the love of my life for 55 years, It looks like all the female responders are a bit wild. I cannot imagine trying to find female companions, but good luck to you.

    Fantastic
    God has truly blessed you, Danker. When I was first married I thought it would last forever (don't we all?) but I knew it was over after 11 years. I spent the next 11 trying to make it work and get us back to where we started, but too much had changed in both of us. I doubt that she would have been the supportive wife of a cancer survivor because she wasn't supportive when I was wheelchair bound and had to stop working because of disability. She made me feel like Gregor Samsa in Kafka's Metamorphosis.
  • Doc_Hawk
    Doc_Hawk Member Posts: 685

    Hard
    It's got to be very hard. There is so much in question and yes, when a woman wants to give her heart she doesn't want it broken, but I've learned long ago with my first marriage that hearts get broken. You seem like such a down to earth, fun going guy (especially with the Ren Fest) and things that I'd just want to do and wouldn't hesitate to date (but, gosh I'm married), we live in different states. You might want to go to meetings like someone suggested or just try to go to a cancer chat line. I've known several who have married from being on a chat line. Wishing you luck sire (and doggy sire). Oh wait, is it My Lord with the hand gesture - yup that's it :)

    Kim

    Fear of the Unknown
    I can understand the fear of a broken heart, Kim. No one wants to attend the funeral of a loved one. But, as has been noted by others in other threads, it's possible that we can survive them. None of us knows what tomorrow brings or how many pages are in our Book of Life.

    Thanks for the compliments, I do try to have fun. I sure wish I had the energy by 7 in the evening to go to meetings. And by that time of day, I'm not fit to drive due to pain meds. Oh, and no sire or lordship for a pirate. It's just Captain, lol.
  • gophergenius
    gophergenius Member Posts: 33
    You're really good with the song titles, Doc...but yes
    You are quite open with your posts, especially about personal matters that I can relate to as well. Recently, I E-mailed a friend about this specific topic because I was not comfortable posting about it until I read your opinion and thoughts on the matter. I hate to say it, but I've given up on ever finding another "great relationship" or even a man that is comfortable and accepting of me...just the way I am. I do not know if they are looking for someone to "take care" of them, be as physically active as they are, someone well off financially or what it is, but once they get wind of a serious illness they really "think twice" before a stable or serious relationship. Before this cancer, I was very active, never thought twice about being in a "give and take" relationship and financially I did not have much to worry about, but ALL of that has changed. If I cannot find someone who understands that, then as lonely as I get at times, I feel I am better off being by myself and just socializing with true friends. If you're dating, cancer is the "make or break" of a possible relationship and most of the time it is "break". Perhaps, the best way to engage in dating someone at this time...do not tell them you have cancer, are in treatment, recently finished treatment, have another surgery coming up...anything that would even make the other think about anything cancer related. In this type of scenario you have a chance of dating someone you like at least long enough to feel whether the relationship will blossom or wilt away. If it blossoms and the other truly cares for you, then share the illness. Please, keep in mind this is my opinion...feel free to take it with a grain of salt and do what makes you happy. I wish you well, very well.
  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215
    I am so sorry to hear what
    I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am happily remarried for the past 12 years but I had a similar experience before that. My first wife died as a result of alcoholism in 1999. I had similar reactions when they would find out that i was recently widowed.
  • Coppercent
    Coppercent Member Posts: 158
    Dating
    I am impressed that you even started dating. A couple months before my cancer diagnosis I filed for divorce after 25 years of marriage. I felt that there was much more to life and I wanted to experience it all! I decided to have a physical and really start living life the healthy way! Oooops! Sorry, you have cancer! I stopped all dating and started to focus on me. Now I think if I start dating again, how do I work the cancer in the conversation? I am still in treatment but I have really been fortunate that I keep my daily life as normal as I have done in the past. I continue to work and exercise daily. Good luck!
  • sharpy102
    sharpy102 Member Posts: 368
    comment
    Hey Doc:

    I don't comment here too often, and I am of no expert in these kinds of things, but I'll share with you what I think and you take it or toss it. :) So, when my Mom was sick all my Mom's friends seem to have disappeared. They stopped coming over to see her as it turned out her condition is only going to get worse and the doctor told her to "go home and live as long as you can, I give you 3 months!". She was really really sad as she really needed support both physically and emotionally. (My dad and sibling passed away in a car crash 4 years before her). So anyway, I didn't think much about my Mom's friends not showing up, I was busy trying to help her, save her, take care of her. After she passed away, I've got shoved into children home and I've been doing lots and lots of thinking since then. I had a phase when I was really angry at the whole world, including being angry at my Mom's friends who seem to have disappeared when she needed people the most. Now, that it's been almost 3 years that she has left I view it differently. I think her friends did not know how to "deal with the situation" and I think they were horrified of seeing her fade away. I think your case is similar to such that people who have had no one around them with cancer just have no idea what it means. They don't know that it doesn't mean that you'll drop dead one day to the other and they are just afraid to commit themselves to any friendship (or deeper relationship if that is what you are asking for) with someone who has cancer. It just scares them! Not you! The situation! They don't know what it means and they tend to forget that the person with cancer is just like them...have feelings, have human needs of friends, companionship and that they are not the dead walking around! It is very sad, but it's something you can't explain to people who have not been there. I have not been there (yet!- I'm only 14) but I've seen my Mom from the starting point to the finish...I know, and I remember how she was feeling etc. But for those out there that have never had anyone (ANYONE!) with cancer no matter what stage you're in...it is a scary and horrifying situation to be in. I hope I didn't scare you too much and I didn't mean to let you down, just thought you might want to think about this. I hope soon enough, you'll find some real good friends who have either been there and understand it, or have not been there but just keep their eyes and heart open as they just see you as you are, not as a cancer patient!
    All the best! I'll be rooting for you! :)
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364
    Doc_Hawk said:

    Frogs
    Heck Marie, I'd be happy to even get a chance to kiss a "frog" these days! That said, the main reason I'm not looking for romance is because I am hopelessly in love with a lady I've known for almost six years, I'll call her Liz, which is the diminutive of her middle name, but she shares the first name of a certain kitty lover on this site. I was just out of a train wreck of a marriage and in the middle of a train wreck relationship when we met and became good friends. I did ask her to marry me two months before my dx, but she's very afraid of commitment like that because of an abusive past. She has said that if/when I go terminal, she'd drop everything to spend my last days with me. I just wish she'd come and spend my last decades with me.

    There's a line in the chorus of the Yes song that I took the title of this thread from that goes "Owner of a Lonely Heart (much better than the) Owner of a Broken Heart". As long as Liz is 2000 miles away, I'm both.

    Dear Doc
    While I am certainly not an expert on relationships given my own lonely heart, I will add a couple more cents to the conversation.

    I think it is reasonable to think that women of a certain age are looking for romance and/or marriage when they embark on a new relationship. It is possible that when things start looking good and you mention your cancer they are taking that as a signal of don't get too close, rather than being off-put by the news itself. I specifically exclude the one dame who there is just no explaining!

    Setting the expectations/limitations of a relationship early on is important for both parties. If you are both on the same page, regardless of what that page is, then the disclosure of your cancer diagnosis should be less daunting.

    From what you have said, I suggest you work with your "wounded princess" and try to get her out for a visit and keep trying to get her on your page for the relationship.

    In the mean time keep looking for the lady who wants to be a buddy and share your ride and your company.

    Hugs,

    Marie who loves kitties