Owner of a Lonely Heart

annalexandria

Cancer is such a thief...
and steals many things from us, including the ability to develop relationships in what we might once have considered a "normal" fashion. Someone mentioned the idea of an online dating site for cancer folks...i wonder if online dating in general might be one possibility to try? You could get it all out there right from the get-go....the diagnosis, the limitations, but also all of the awesomeness that is you. The fact that you're a good writer would be a real bonus with this approach. I've had a number of friends make really solid connections via the online route, despite having challenges in their lives (health issues, boatload of special needs kids, unemployment, etc). It could open you up to a much larger pool of eligible ladies than just the ones you might meet locally, and I'm sure there would be some out there who would have the wisdom to see what you have to offer, beyond the stupid cancer. Ann

Doc_Hawk

annalexandria said:

Cancer is such a thief...
and steals many things from us, including the ability to develop relationships in what we might once have considered a "normal" fashion. Someone mentioned the idea of an online dating site for cancer folks...i wonder if online dating in general might be one possibility to try? You could get it all out there right from the get-go....the diagnosis, the limitations, but also all of the awesomeness that is you. The fact that you're a good writer would be a real bonus with this approach. I've had a number of friends make really solid connections via the online route, despite having challenges in their lives (health issues, boatload of special needs kids, unemployment, etc). It could open you up to a much larger pool of eligible ladies than just the ones you might meet locally, and I'm sure there would be some out there who would have the wisdom to see what you have to offer, beyond the stupid cancer. Ann

online dating
I've been on match.com a few times, met some very terrific ladies there and even got engaged to one a few years ago. The one that dressed me down for trying to date with cancer was a contact from there as were most of the ones that I've spoken with and seen one time. I'm half way through a three month subscription, so I'll put it on the profile that I have cancer and see what sort of response that gets. After this three month is up, I'm cancelling for good, regardless of the outcome.

Doc_Hawk

sharpy102 said:

comment
Hey Doc:

I don't comment here too often, and I am of no expert in these kinds of things, but I'll share with you what I think and you take it or toss it. So, when my Mom was sick all my Mom's friends seem to have disappeared. They stopped coming over to see her as it turned out her condition is only going to get worse and the doctor told her to "go home and live as long as you can, I give you 3 months!". She was really really sad as she really needed support both physically and emotionally. (My dad and sibling passed away in a car crash 4 years before her). So anyway, I didn't think much about my Mom's friends not showing up, I was busy trying to help her, save her, take care of her. After she passed away, I've got shoved into children home and I've been doing lots and lots of thinking since then. I had a phase when I was really angry at the whole world, including being angry at my Mom's friends who seem to have disappeared when she needed people the most. Now, that it's been almost 3 years that she has left I view it differently. I think her friends did not know how to "deal with the situation" and I think they were horrified of seeing her fade away. I think your case is similar to such that people who have had no one around them with cancer just have no idea what it means. They don't know that it doesn't mean that you'll drop dead one day to the other and they are just afraid to commit themselves to any friendship (or deeper relationship if that is what you are asking for) with someone who has cancer. It just scares them! Not you! The situation! They don't know what it means and they tend to forget that the person with cancer is just like them...have feelings, have human needs of friends, companionship and that they are not the dead walking around! It is very sad, but it's something you can't explain to people who have not been there. I have not been there (yet!- I'm only 14) but I've seen my Mom from the starting point to the finish...I know, and I remember how she was feeling etc. But for those out there that have never had anyone (ANYONE!) with cancer no matter what stage you're in...it is a scary and horrifying situation to be in. I hope I didn't scare you too much and I didn't mean to let you down, just thought you might want to think about this. I hope soon enough, you'll find some real good friends who have either been there and understand it, or have not been there but just keep their eyes and heart open as they just see you as you are, not as a cancer patient!
All the best! I'll be rooting for you!

wow!
Hi Sharpy,

I was very impressed with how astute your insights are for someone so young! I had placed your age around ten years older. It is a terrible shame that your mother's friends abandoned her with a young child just when she needed them the most, God bless you for the strength and courage that you must have needed (and still need) in your young life.

Doc

Doc_Hawk

gophergenius said:

You're really good with the song titles, Doc...but yes
You are quite open with your posts, especially about personal matters that I can relate to as well. Recently, I E-mailed a friend about this specific topic because I was not comfortable posting about it until I read your opinion and thoughts on the matter. I hate to say it, but I've given up on ever finding another "great relationship" or even a man that is comfortable and accepting of me...just the way I am. I do not know if they are looking for someone to "take care" of them, be as physically active as they are, someone well off financially or what it is, but once they get wind of a serious illness they really "think twice" before a stable or serious relationship. Before this cancer, I was very active, never thought twice about being in a "give and take" relationship and financially I did not have much to worry about, but ALL of that has changed. If I cannot find someone who understands that, then as lonely as I get at times, I feel I am better off being by myself and just socializing with true friends. If you're dating, cancer is the "make or break" of a possible relationship and most of the time it is "break". Perhaps, the best way to engage in dating someone at this time...do not tell them you have cancer, are in treatment, recently finished treatment, have another surgery coming up...anything that would even make the other think about anything cancer related. In this type of scenario you have a chance of dating someone you like at least long enough to feel whether the relationship will blossom or wilt away. If it blossoms and the other truly cares for you, then share the illness. Please, keep in mind this is my opinion...feel free to take it with a grain of salt and do what makes you happy. I wish you well, very well.

Music
Like Phil is, I used to be a guitar player and music has always been a large part of my life.

When I first started getting active on this site (way back a couple of weeks ago) I realized that this is the one place where I can open up and put it all out there on display and get some good, constructive feedback. There's just too much that I have to keep from getting back to my parents so that they don't get worried and stressed and there are quite a few drama queens in the family that I'd just prefer to keep out of the loop all together.

annalexandria

Doc_Hawk said:

online dating
I've been on match.com a few times, met some very terrific ladies there and even got engaged to one a few years ago. The one that dressed me down for trying to date with cancer was a contact from there as were most of the ones that I've spoken with and seen one time. I'm half way through a three month subscription, so I'll put it on the profile that I have cancer and see what sort of response that gets. After this three month is up, I'm cancelling for good, regardless of the outcome.

One of my friends tried Match for awhile..
and for whatever reason, didn't have much luck. She liked eHarmony better (and met her fiance that way). I think the sites are all a little different, so trying more than one might be interesting.

Doc_Hawk

Lovekitties said:

Dear Doc
While I am certainly not an expert on relationships given my own lonely heart, I will add a couple more cents to the conversation.

I think it is reasonable to think that women of a certain age are looking for romance and/or marriage when they embark on a new relationship. It is possible that when things start looking good and you mention your cancer they are taking that as a signal of don't get too close, rather than being off-put by the news itself. I specifically exclude the one dame who there is just no explaining!

Setting the expectations/limitations of a relationship early on is important for both parties. If you are both on the same page, regardless of what that page is, then the disclosure of your cancer diagnosis should be less daunting.

From what you have said, I suggest you work with your "wounded princess" and try to get her out for a visit and keep trying to get her on your page for the relationship.

In the mean time keep looking for the lady who wants to be a buddy and share your ride and your company.

Hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

Hugs Marie
I've been working up the courage to ask her to marry me again, but the topic always makes her feel very uncomfortable and I hate doing that to her. One of the things that I worry about the most is that because she's been on disability for epilepsy all of her life, she has no career and will have nothing to fall back on when she's older. The only good thing that could come about by my making her a widow is that when she turns 50 she'd get survivor benefits, which still won't give her a whole lot. I am looking into a small insurance policy for her through the VFW, but it wouldn't be enough for her to be even comfortable.