Still angry after almost 3 years

jmaddox915
jmaddox915 Member Posts: 80
I don't know why but I am still angry about all this cancer stuff after almost 3 years since my dx.

I thought I had accepted and working on beating it. I keep having one set back after the other and I guess it is starting to get to me mentally.

I miss me. I don't know how else to explain it. I am angry that I am not able to be the wife I want to be or the Mom I want to be. My 8 yr daughter should not have to ask if Mom feels good today or not so we can decide what we are able to do that day.

I believe in God and understand that there is some greater good that is suppose to come from things like this but I don't know anymore.

I am weary....
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Comments

  • smokeyjoe
    smokeyjoe Member Posts: 1,425
    Well, you have every right
    Well, you have every right to be angry. Vent away, we all understand what you are saying and going through. It's just amazing how much we took for granted prior to diagnosis. I so long for those carefree days of not worrying about cancer.
  • jmaddox915
    jmaddox915 Member Posts: 80
    smokeyjoe said:

    Well, you have every right
    Well, you have every right to be angry. Vent away, we all understand what you are saying and going through. It's just amazing how much we took for granted prior to diagnosis. I so long for those carefree days of not worrying about cancer.

    Thanks Smokeyjoe. I really
    Thanks Smokeyjoe. I really hated posting that as I know so many people come here for positive support and hope.

    I just needed to tell someone how I feel sometimes. I am glad I have here that I can do that.
  • Doc_Hawk
    Doc_Hawk Member Posts: 685
    Venting
    Venting is a very positive thing. If you hold into your anger, anxiety, fears etc. then it impedes your progress and ability to fight cancer. One of the drugs I'm on (Victibix) causes my fingers to crack and split, which is very painful, and the tips are getting numb so between the two I drop things because I didn't get a good enough grip, or bleed on things (I've become a walking bio-hazard!)and no matter what, they just hurt all time. Of course when that happens, I'll snap out a curse and get angry for a couple of seconds. It's not only alright to get angry, it's healthy. Like the old Isley Brothers song says "Throw my hands up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT! Come on now SHOUT!"
  • gophergenius
    gophergenius Member Posts: 33
    Doc_Hawk said:

    Venting
    Venting is a very positive thing. If you hold into your anger, anxiety, fears etc. then it impedes your progress and ability to fight cancer. One of the drugs I'm on (Victibix) causes my fingers to crack and split, which is very painful, and the tips are getting numb so between the two I drop things because I didn't get a good enough grip, or bleed on things (I've become a walking bio-hazard!)and no matter what, they just hurt all time. Of course when that happens, I'll snap out a curse and get angry for a couple of seconds. It's not only alright to get angry, it's healthy. Like the old Isley Brothers song says "Throw my hands up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT! Come on now SHOUT!"

    Isley Brothers
    Doc, I read your post, but never had my hands split and hurt like that, bless you. I would like to say, I love the Isley Brothers music...my favorite song...This Old Heart of Mine. I still listen to it on ITunes. Thanks for the smile!
  • JayhawkDan
    JayhawkDan Member Posts: 205
    Doc_Hawk said:

    Venting
    Venting is a very positive thing. If you hold into your anger, anxiety, fears etc. then it impedes your progress and ability to fight cancer. One of the drugs I'm on (Victibix) causes my fingers to crack and split, which is very painful, and the tips are getting numb so between the two I drop things because I didn't get a good enough grip, or bleed on things (I've become a walking bio-hazard!)and no matter what, they just hurt all time. Of course when that happens, I'll snap out a curse and get angry for a couple of seconds. It's not only alright to get angry, it's healthy. Like the old Isley Brothers song says "Throw my hands up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT! Come on now SHOUT!"

    I feel your pain...literally
    I didn't know which of the drugs I'm on was causing this, but I'm on vectibix, as well, and you described me exactly. I'm suffering from stage IV freakin cc and my biggest pain right now is my damn split fingers. I put antibiotic cream on the bad tips every night and cover them with bandaids, and I've got them in pretty good shape at the moment, but it's a constant thing. I've got a golf date in a couple of weeks and if I don't have it under control I won't be able to swing a club.

    But that's off topic -- I've only been at this 3 months, but I have a very short fuse and get angry easily. I'm working on controlling it for my family's sake, but it consumes you sometimes. I ask God for strength to get me through. Hugs, Dan
  • marbleotis
    marbleotis Member Posts: 720 Member
    Anger is not a bad thing
    I was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer on Jan 13, 2012 (Friday the 13th - even God has a sense of humor) and I totally understand. I feel like I was placed on a super fast and curvy roller coaster I cannot get off of. I had the colon resection, cath implanted now I am about to do chemo 7 of 12, my head spins and I say why me? Then I say I am so lucky I had no mets. It goes around and around and around. So every once in a while I get angry, then........... I see someone that has it worse then me........ and I am humbled. Enjoy your daughter. My kids are 24 and 20, they both took it hard at first because it was a shock (no symptoms). But we now get through each day.The cancer is just one more thing to deal with - do not let it rob you of anythng else. The "old" me is no more, but there is a "new" me emerging (she is 52 pounds lighter thanks to the chemo diet - not recommended by the way), she is happier, less stressed, doing what she likes, looking forward to so many things. I wish you the best!!!!!
  • steveandnat
    steveandnat Member Posts: 886
    every right to be angry
    I to am three years on this cancer venture and it really stinks. The pain and side effects get so tiring. If there is a positive it really does make you stop and appreciate my wife, kids, grandbaby and all of my supportive friends, neighbors. But only we can feel our actual pain. Cancer give us a break. Bless you and everyone who supports you. Jeff
  • Helen321
    Helen321 Member Posts: 1,434 Member
    Three years, I'm angry after
    Three years, I'm angry after only three months. You should be downright mad as hell. I'm watching everyone planning for vacation and I'm planning how I'm going to manage the kids, a new grandbaby with surgery and an ileostomy this summer. I'm going to miss my daughter's baby shower, the world is going on all around me and my head is swirling from trying to figure out how to beat this. What can I change to make it happen. My friends are going out and having a good old time and I have cancer. Then I come on here and I see how much everyone is going through on here and I think wow, you've all been dealing with this for years. You are the strongest people in the world. Cancer can go to hell. Cancer sucks!
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866
    Cancer *Updated
    It certainly has a way of beating us down at times. I suppose if you can "see" the bigger picture (whatever that might be for you) it could help you accept things. People of all walks of life, races, religions, and cultures get cancer. It certainly doesn't discriminate...

    I hope you feel better and keep going forward. It's the most that you (or anyone else) can do.
    -phil

    *Update:
    Question: At what point does being angry for X number of years become counter productive?
    Yeah, cancer sucks. I miss the old me at times. I'm glad I'm not the dead me though.
    I'm glad I'm not one of many who have it much (much) worse And things can ALWAYS be worse>.
    I've been at this for over 8 years, non-stop. If I were angry the whole time I doubt I'd be here.
    People get cancer. It's (just about) that simple... We happen to be some of those people.
    I glad it was me and not my kids, that I know for certain.

    I'm not saying you have to feel a certain way or that at times I don't get pissed I have cancer.
    I certainly could have done without it but that's not what happened. I have it and that, as they say, is that!
    Being pissed all the time sure as $%&# isn't good for a person.
    Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes, playing a poor hand well.
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866

    I feel your pain...literally
    I didn't know which of the drugs I'm on was causing this, but I'm on vectibix, as well, and you described me exactly. I'm suffering from stage IV freakin cc and my biggest pain right now is my damn split fingers. I put antibiotic cream on the bad tips every night and cover them with bandaids, and I've got them in pretty good shape at the moment, but it's a constant thing. I've got a golf date in a couple of weeks and if I don't have it under control I won't be able to swing a club.

    But that's off topic -- I've only been at this 3 months, but I have a very short fuse and get angry easily. I'm working on controlling it for my family's sake, but it consumes you sometimes. I ask God for strength to get me through. Hugs, Dan

    I've got blisters on my fingers!
    I've been on Erbitux for 5-6 years. I get the split fingers too but not quite as bad as I used to. That does suck! I've crazy glued the splits, used liquid bandage, and taped my fingertips. I'm a guitar player (for fun, not profit!) and there have been times where I've had many fingertips taped so I could play. I also have issues with my toes at times. It hurts, I dealt with it. I have not found a sure-fire solution. Bag Balm is a product that helps at times but it's greasy. They use it in the northern states to keep cows udders supple. I use that on the heels of my feet too. I will say that my udders never looked better but those darn fingers are udderly impossible at times.
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866
    A Question (Don't get Angry...)
    Not to play Devil's Advocate (who...me?) but Angry with Who?
    God? Doctors? The World? Cancer? Yourself? Nothing in particular, just enjoy being Angry?
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028
    ...and the old lady chimes in.....
    I know I don't post much anymore, but I still 'lurk'. This one, I felt, I needed to respond to.....

    OF COURSE there is anger...but, as Phil said...at who? I had that anger-still do...every time I do something that used to be so easy, that now I have to think about my bad hip from the radiation, or my 'special arm' from the breast cancer.

    But, for me, I turn it into a determination to beat all of this by doing outrageous things. Still within my limits...but, a mild example will explain: I used to ride horses, all sorts, when I was young. Showed them, too. Both Western and English. After the treatment for the rectal cancer, my left hip painfully pops out of joint when under strain...and my left arm is weak from the surgery on the lumpectomy that took nodes. I figured I should never try horses again. But, when the opportunity arose...well, I went. And, when the worst happened (my hip popped out in the saddle), I just took a deep breath, popped it back in, and went on. I stopped for a moment and said in my mind scr*w you, cancer...you cannot and will not get me!!!!

    I have many other examples...but my thought is all the same...as I go on, I need to remember how sick I was, and scared I was, during treatment. I paid my dues, (still am!) so it's time for me to enjoy life as much as possible. In my experience, my mind is one of the biggest blocks to joy that I have...and I remind myself of that when I say 'No, I can't' without thinking about it.

    But anger can also be constructive, when turned into determination! It's not about what bad things have and are happening, it's what you do with it. It's no one's fault. My favorite saying applies "It is what it is"...Enjoy your loved ones...in this case, plan for the future...just hedge your bets with travel insurance...*smile*....

    Ok, done...from someone who was told 8 years ago that she had a maximum of 6 months to live.....

    Hugs, Kathi
  • lauragb
    lauragb Member Posts: 370
    I haven't felt much anger
    I haven't felt much anger from dealing with cancer. When I get down, it is usually depression because I don't feel well and I miss the old (physical) me. I do appreciate some of the spiritual and mental changes that have happened to me but not the physical parts. It isn't fair that we got cancer and have to go through what we do. I try not to be resentful of others, realizing how random this is. And although I have gone through a lot, it doesn't compare to what I've read of other folks. It could be worse.

    I understand it must be hard for you when you have to tell your daughter you don't feel well. My mom had Hodgkins Disease for ten years before she passed, diagnosed at my birth. I never felt like she wasn't there for me and honestly didn't grasp how bad she felt at times. While it's hard for you to watch this be your daughter's life, it may not seem that bad to her, especially if you are matter of fact when you don't feel well and you don't let her see your despair. I think it is okay to be open about your situation but let her see your happiness when things are going well. That said, I have to admit one of the hardest parts of this journey for me is to see how hard this has been on my daughter and she is 22. So I certainly don't want to minimize what you're going through as I have been through it in both roles.

    No doubt about it, it's a tough gig. Setbacks suck. I'm hoping things will be forward moving for you soon.
    Laura
  • annalexandria
    annalexandria Member Posts: 2,571
    Having similar emotions myself recently...
    and am at the three year mark as well. Maybe that's a natural time to start really feeling burned out about the whole experience? Just last night I was in bed at 9:30, when my oldest daughter (20) wanted to stay up and watch a movie with me, which we never do anymore. I just couldn't pull it off, too tired. Not being able to be there fully for my kids, my husband, and in a way, myself, does get old. But as Phil so wisely says, it could always be worse. I wrote up something I call my "gratitude list", on which I wrote all the things, large and small, that I am grateful for. I have a lot, really, despite the cancer. Put it on my fridge, and I read it from time to time. I find it does help me refocus on the positives and move on when the sadness and frustration of life with cancer threatens to overwhelm. Sending hugs and strength your way-Ann
  • danker
    danker Member Posts: 1,276
    Helen321 said:

    Three years, I'm angry after
    Three years, I'm angry after only three months. You should be downright mad as hell. I'm watching everyone planning for vacation and I'm planning how I'm going to manage the kids, a new grandbaby with surgery and an ileostomy this summer. I'm going to miss my daughter's baby shower, the world is going on all around me and my head is swirling from trying to figure out how to beat this. What can I change to make it happen. My friends are going out and having a good old time and I have cancer. Then I come on here and I see how much everyone is going through on here and I think wow, you've all been dealing with this for years. You are the strongest people in the world. Cancer can go to hell. Cancer sucks!

    Helen 321
    We are all angry that we got cancer and not the other guy. But no matter how rocky our road, we have survived it. You will too. Just hope for the best.
  • smokeyjoe
    smokeyjoe Member Posts: 1,425

    Having similar emotions myself recently...
    and am at the three year mark as well. Maybe that's a natural time to start really feeling burned out about the whole experience? Just last night I was in bed at 9:30, when my oldest daughter (20) wanted to stay up and watch a movie with me, which we never do anymore. I just couldn't pull it off, too tired. Not being able to be there fully for my kids, my husband, and in a way, myself, does get old. But as Phil so wisely says, it could always be worse. I wrote up something I call my "gratitude list", on which I wrote all the things, large and small, that I am grateful for. I have a lot, really, despite the cancer. Put it on my fridge, and I read it from time to time. I find it does help me refocus on the positives and move on when the sadness and frustration of life with cancer threatens to overwhelm. Sending hugs and strength your way-Ann

    Interesting Phil, as I was
    Interesting Phil, as I was reading your comments "thank goodness it wasn't our kids" that got this I'm looking out the window and one of my sons childhood buddies (met in kindergarten) is outside he was diagnosed stage 4 bladder cancer....I'm looking at this straping good looking 24 year old and it's just unbelievable.
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028
    smokeyjoe said:

    Interesting Phil, as I was
    Interesting Phil, as I was reading your comments "thank goodness it wasn't our kids" that got this I'm looking out the window and one of my sons childhood buddies (met in kindergarten) is outside he was diagnosed stage 4 bladder cancer....I'm looking at this straping good looking 24 year old and it's just unbelievable.

    And my mom watched both her daughters...
    ...become part of the legions....

    ...my mom even apologized to me for 'giving it' to me....I responded..."Mom, so what you are saying is that you are sorry you gave me life? Because, as far as the cancer, you had little or no control over that. And, I, for one, am VERY happy you DID give me life!!!!"

    Hugs, Kathi
  • JayhawkDan
    JayhawkDan Member Posts: 205
    PhillieG said:

    A Question (Don't get Angry...)
    Not to play Devil's Advocate (who...me?) but Angry with Who?
    God? Doctors? The World? Cancer? Yourself? Nothing in particular, just enjoy being Angry?

    Good question...
    I do well most of the time -- in some ways better than before the dx. I really understand how blessed I am in so many ways, and I really enjoy many things about life more than before. But I'm only about 3 1/2 months in on this deal so I don't know what I'm going to feel after 3-4-5 years, iif I'm fortunate enough to get there, and beyond. But sometimes I just get pissed. And it's at nothing or no one, just pissed, or maybe more accurate -- kind of frustrated. I do my best to show people around me that I'm doing fine even when I'm not, and I guess it just builds up. The only one that really understands is my wife, and of course she can't fully understand. We're hiding the full dx from my daughter -- she's 7 months pregnant with our first grand child, a grandson, and we just don't want to burden her with the full monte. But my wife and I have a pact -- we won't "edit" ourselves and will say whatever is on our minds -- good, bad or otherwise, and that's helped both of us a lot. I'm sure we're like the rest of you -- just trying to figure this out as we go along. And you fine folks on here have helped me a lot. Thank you, and hugs...Dan.
  • elizabethgd
    elizabethgd Member Posts: 145
    KathiM said:

    And my mom watched both her daughters...
    ...become part of the legions....

    ...my mom even apologized to me for 'giving it' to me....I responded..."Mom, so what you are saying is that you are sorry you gave me life? Because, as far as the cancer, you had little or no control over that. And, I, for one, am VERY happy you DID give me life!!!!"

    Hugs, Kathi

    wonderful comments
    I am a lurker, but had to comment on how comforting it is to read the variety of comments.. each comment from a different angle .. a different slant or slightly different expression..varying degrees and sometimes at opposite ends of the spectrum..I am nodding in my head...saying oh yeah.. I have felt that way.. or I feel that way today..guess its the not being alone that is the comfort.. there are others who understand the many different emotions involved.... and have experienced same feelings at some point.. thanks
  • Doc_Hawk
    Doc_Hawk Member Posts: 685

    I feel your pain...literally
    I didn't know which of the drugs I'm on was causing this, but I'm on vectibix, as well, and you described me exactly. I'm suffering from stage IV freakin cc and my biggest pain right now is my damn split fingers. I put antibiotic cream on the bad tips every night and cover them with bandaids, and I've got them in pretty good shape at the moment, but it's a constant thing. I've got a golf date in a couple of weeks and if I don't have it under control I won't be able to swing a club.

    But that's off topic -- I've only been at this 3 months, but I have a very short fuse and get angry easily. I'm working on controlling it for my family's sake, but it consumes you sometimes. I ask God for strength to get me through. Hugs, Dan

    Help with splits
    I've found that trying to use lotions tends to burn and sting the splits pretty bad. Aquaphor is great for it, but it's pretty greasy. If you decide to try it, you might want to put on some white cotton gloves to prevent sliming anything that you touch.