“The Trials and Struggles of This Journey That We Call LIFE” (NEW UPDATE to the UPDATE)

Sundanceh
Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
edited March 2012 in Colorectal Cancer #1
I have much I want to say – much I don’t want to say. Where do I begin?

My thoughts are racing around inside my head like the Indy 500. I wrote this post and a couple of others in my head on the way in this morning and now I can’t put my hands back on ‘em…they’ve sped away – out of sight – out of mind. Some good stuff too….I can’t tell you how many I write in my head that don’t get to the paper quick enough – probably a blessing to all of you that so many of them do not.

Let me try again with some new thoughts – okay, here we go….

Oh, wait…the phone is ringing…”which” business person wants a piece of me now? Oh, good, it’s Kim - okay I can handle that one…or can I? The message is, her scans are back and “she’s got several spots on her thyroid.”

I know:(

The call went out over the “Bat Phone” as I started this post - and immediately Big Billy and I donned our costumes and began playing our roles as “The Dynamic Duo.” We had a woman in tears over here, with fear and trembling in her voice. I had my significant other on the line and I was gonna’ have to talk her down ‘off the ledge’ as I have done with so many of you out there.

Of course, we know not to jump the gun and all of that…BUT…unfortunately, I do see things in ‘black and white’ and the handwriting is on the wall. What am I – stupid? We already know damn well, that these spots are more than likely, our old friend, C A N C E R.

Say it with me.

As always, I’ve got more data to gather before any definitive conclusions can be drawn, but a couple of the signs are pointing this way already. This has been ongoing for the past couple of years with no definite conclusions being drawn.

But, I’ve always found in my life, that where there is smoke – there is indeed, fire. And my life is quickly building to a “Five-Alarm Crescendo” with all of the demands I find at my doorstep. New packages of challenges are arriving daily - and not by UPS or FedEx.

She’s going to get another follow-up scan and we’re going to get the reports and I’m going to look over this one and the new one she does and get some insight as to what we’re facing…growth rate etc etc. They will be checking the ‘uptake value.’ Once I can get a handle on what we’re up against (if we are), then I’ll help her put a plan in place, get some good doctors and try and walk her through whatever she may or may not be facing.

This would be especially troubling for the both of us, should I come back with recurrence #4 in a couple of months. Here would be me possibly facing cancer for the 4th time – Kim looking at it for the 1st time maybe – my dad’s situation deteriorating with each passing breath – and with all of that still to play itself out in the coming weeks and months – and then when it is all finally said and done - having to be the executor of the estate and handle all the responsibilities that come with that.

Kim is my right-hand in a lot of ways – I rely on her and lean on her emotionally to help me take care of the business. Somehow, with her beside me, I feel like we’ve got a chance at anything we face…without her, slogging over Life’s Terrain, would just not be as secure or comforting. It's amazing how we construct our lives with one another - and then try and imagine the picture without them being in it.

A lot of these struggles with my Dad is actually bringing us a little bit closer together – “Misery Loves Company”, it seems. When we’re united and trying to fire on all 8-cylinders, then we are a powerhouse team to reckon with…I see flashbacks to the old days – with our old ways.

Actually, a couple of my dad’s “Adopted Daughters”, who are or were just people in his Bible Sunday School class, have decided to take me to task and have said some things to me, that I thought were inappropriate. This stems from the stories that my dad has told them – that are now coming unraveled as the truth slowly comes out.

Since my dad has kept me “on the outside”, he has been free to perpetuate whatever fantasy version of his life that he wants to portray – nobody to challenge him, so it all becomes ‘the truth’ – or the twisted version of the truth that he sees it from.

It’s like playing both sides against the middle – if one doesn’t talk to the other side, “Perception Becomes 9/10 of the Law.”

So, I’m breaking down those stereotypes and as always – the truth always comes out, no matter how much dirt you try to throw on top of it. Kim and I have been handling things behind the scenes…this w/end was especially productive…in gaining some control and establishing a foothold with all that is going on. We’ve cutoff a lot of the escape routes being used by dad’s ‘runners’ and are trying to secure our position and hold the line.

It seems that what these women have actually done to me is to “Awaken the Sleeping Lion.” And by doing so, they have filled him with a terrible resolve.

There’s all of this typical ‘politics’ being played out and the dynamics of all of these relationships now on a collision course. “The Daughters”, which are nothing more than a sick substitute of my dad’s mind subbing these women to replace my sister, who was murdered, are both in financial hardships and need money…

Last night, I witnessed an Academy Award Winning Performance, but not from the starlets on the silver screen…”The One” who my dad turns to for everything…..here Kim and I spent Saturday (still sick with the crud) cleaning out more of the house until we’re exhausted.

Then, Sunday morning, I get a call from the new nursing home, telling me they called 911 and he was now over at another hospital in the ICU ward. So, Kim and I spent 8-hours yesterday, talking with doctors, checking vitals and dealing with all of that.

But, as soon as “The One” arrived, he dropped us all like a hot potato and just “oohed and awed” over her…..eyes intensely locking on hers, like a schoolboy in love…she walks in like some kind of princess and throws her arms around and starts holding him and stoking him and telling him how much she loves him.

A 40-year old woman that 'loves' an 83-year old man with this type of sickening public display? Or is she just in love with whatever monetary gain she can get from her visits, which are about 4 or more a week...she doesn't work, so that's a pretty good part-time job and a nice payout. And all of this, despite the fact that her own mom is in a nursing home, she has children and a jealous husband – but she still finds time for Dad – because he was such a good Sunday School Teacher?

C'mon! Give me a break…sick, sick, and more sick…just looking at them makes me want to puke. It was so difficult to watch and stand there and have to take it. Dad literally waved us out of the room so she could get to him.

35 minutes later and she was gone though….but Craig and Kim remained didn’t they? Not that it mattered to him – he could care less whether we were there or not.

And he won’t let me handle any of his financial affairs – has me locked out of everything…if he died tomorrow, I don’t have access to even write a check to BURY HIM….that’s going to come as a big shock to his church friends, who are expecting a nice funeral.

He’s left me powerless to help him – I’m being threatened by many of the new business people in my life in relation to his recent health struggles, to make him sign a power of attorney – but he adamantly refuses to do so…so the message to me from those folks who are wanting their money but dad did not set me up to do that is …”get it handled quickly – or the State is coming in to seize his house and his bank accounts – and without warning – and without notice.

And then it’s all over – it’s preventable – it’s sad that’s it comes to this – and yet, I’m supposed to sit there hour after hour and care about this man, who continues to make my life miserable every day of my life.

And the truth is, if he wakes up tomorrow and is ‘dialed out’, then legally, I can’t do anything until he passes – the way God has it going – he continues to punish me through him.

That old Bible saying, “The Son Pays for His Father’s Sins...”…certainly has a ring of truth to me….but here’s the thing…I’m tired of paying! I’ve paid for 50-years with all that I am. I can’t believe I have anything left to give to you guys, but anything I do have inside of me, will go for you.

I ask myself these questions:

“How can I continue to meet the increasing demands placed on me at every turn?”

“Doesn’t the Almighty see that my shoulders are sagging from the strain of this enormous responsibility that I face with my own healthcare and that of my wife’s healthcare and that of my dad’s healthcare and subsequent mop-up when he passes?’

I laugh when I hear the following phrases…

“If God brings you to it – He will get you through it.”

OR

“God never gives us more than we can handle.”

OR

My all-time favorite, “God is Good.”

Really?

That’s the biggest pile of horse dung I’ve ever heard in my life...because if He was paying attention, He would see that I’ve had enough for two lifetimes…just the same as so many of you have…but it seems we always have ‘more’ to go through, doesn’t it?

With close to 8-billion of us spinning on this rock, it would seem that we are on our own - but that's not news to me.

I think that these are the types of things that we say to one another to try and placate our feelings and make it seem like our lives and hardships are “Part of the Greater Whole.”

In this way, it alleviates that sense of burden and frustration that we feel, when we feel like we can’t help or resolve that situation and it becomes so overwhelming to us and we “Need Someone Else” of a higher authority to lay it all off on, so we don’t buckle and break under the strain. Somehow, we feel that this will ‘resolve’ the situation.

But, it doesn’t.

Right now, I’m drowning in an “Ocean of Emotion.” I’m sorry to put this all on you, but if I don’t talk, then I will certainly perish…I’m just a man, after all. I’m talking to my friends and to anyone else, who wants to be my friend.

I think that we all have this innate need to “Unburden Our Souls” at different times in our lives. And I think there is some sort of healing that comes from shouting it from the highest rooftop that we can find. There is a degree of healing that comes from that.

And I think that comes from the fact that by releasing those frustrations and emotions from within us and proclaiming it ‘publically’ and in front of the world, that is has more to do with a liberating and freeing effect that cannot be equaled through any other medium.

And that by not being able to say it with those “closest to us” for reasons of ‘social taboo’ or whatnot, or at least having the ability to talk about it here with each other can have some profound effects on one another – it draws us closer with one another – it shows us that each of us is comprised of flesh and blood and feelings…and it has a uniting affect on all of us.

Because, we find that it is something that we can relate to – it may have happened to us or still could, so it resonates that common chord we all carry and we rally to one another’s defense, because we see the day where that person could be us.

And perhaps more importantly, it’s the simple PRIMAL sensation of saying, “I’m hurting – I’m in pain – but with each one of you standing with me – I will be okay again one day.”

That’s the Biggest Gift that we can ever give to one another – our first and true purpose lies there…it’s right in front of us, all we have to do is act upon it. Taking care of each other should be all of our top priorities – because we are the ones who we are living and breathing with today – and today is all that we’ve got – and the people here and in our lives, are the people that we have here this very second…we can’t go back and we can’t go forward…we must be with those that we have today – because that’s all we’re ever gonna’ have.

David Gilmour of Pink Floyd said it best when he sang the phrase, “All You Touch – and All You See – Is All Your Life Will Ever Be.”

I’ve been waiting a year to be able to write this phrase in its proper context, LOL!

Should I recur again, I’ll give you a heads up, because for many of you, “You’ll have to lock up your back doors – and run for your lives.”

LOL!

See, there is still come “Craig” left underneath all of this madness…I’m trying to smile – just for you. I’m at a difficult crossroads in my life right now….and I’m just trying to find my way through the maze and the haze.

You know that I know it is not always popular to come forth with such tough topics. But in my life, I’ve finally come to the realization about something that is of paramount importance – not only to me, but perhaps in your own lives as well.

And I’ll be more than happy to tell you what you might fear to say for yourself…I’ll take the fall for those of us that find themselves in a similar position.

And what I’ve learned is that abuses of all kinds that go unchecked for a lifetime NEVER hurt the one that’s doing the afflicting – it’s the one on the receiving end that takes the “Blame and the Shame” – and by living with it and keeping it all a secret….

“What are we really doing to ourselves?’

We are enabling the afflicter and perpetuating their behavior to control our lives and we end up as the victims, while the aggressors get away with it and walk away clean to destroy more lives. Well, I’m tired of carrying this ball and chain around with me five decades….I’ve had enough.

When you tell it – you are actually doing more good than harm. It casts the light in the other direction, where it needs to be shined. There must be a price to be paid. And unloading that burden off your soul has a cleansing effect and allows yourself the permission to be free of that anguish, to a certain degree. You just feel lighter – and that’s because you just dropped off a lifetime worth of pain, sorrow, anguish and bitter feelings by the side of the road.

Or at least, you’re in the process of doing so….

You can’t be anything but better as a result – painful though it may be for you, or the person for whom it is directed towards. In this life though, “The Bill Always Comes Due.” You can run for an entire lifetime, but eventually the account must be squared. And we can only be victims – if we allow the people in our lives to treat us in that manner and not call them out for it.

Thanks for listening.

On another note:

I’ve been slowly working on the story of Big Billy – I’ve got one in my head about the story of a Lion and his Chicky. And Big Billy, his badass self, wants to stop in for his yearly cameo appearance. And I’ve got some cancer topics I wanted to talk about this year.

It’s been hard to find inspiration – I’ve been digging deep where I always dig, but just can’t get there right now…it’s like mashing your foot to the accelerator, but the engine just sputters….I’m not in a period of growth right now as the conditions are not ripe for it – I’m in survival mode of a different kind right now, when all of the dust settles, that’s where the new growth will come from – after I’ve had the time to reflect back on what has happened.

I’ll close with this last thought…the real medicine that this life has to offer comes from talking and sharing deeply with one another – in this way, we all learn how to lead and conduct our lives and not make the mistakes that we and others have made. We accumulate various perspectives that we can turn to that may one day, help us in our hour of crisis.

By talking and sharing though, it acts as a sort of drug (organic of course) and puts us in connection with those commonalities that we all share and all have together. The telling is a huge trigger and one of the biggest adrenaline rushes and releases that there is.

I think you will find that if we talk openly (and you know what I mean), that there won’t be a need to run for a Xanax or an Ativan – because we find that inside each one of us is nature’s drug to cope with the situation we are facing. The answer, the drug, is already inside us and available for use. We were born with it.

Our goal then is to find a way to tap into that medicinal supply that lives within each one of us – we just need to know where to look – and I’m giving you a heads-up on where to find it. I’m discovering all of this as recently as I’m typing this to you.

Oh, I understand clinical depression – don’t miss the point. The point being that we ALL can cope with the tools already inside us that have been provided for our use. It’s that primal urge to say to our fellow man – “I’m here, I’m lost, I’m hurt, and do you feel like that too?”

We just want to know that someone is out there – just like us – it’s the social instinct we were bred with…..security and strength in numbers. Something else I wrote about in the book….about how hard it is to be “Lone Wolf McQuade” all the time.

It is true that “It Takes a Village.” And that’s what this community represents to me. When I drill down past that, I see my friends and I see their lives – and while it’s difficult sometimes, I don’t want to leave them or turn my back when the going gets rough.”

All of you taught me what friendship meant when I first got here. I can’t turn my back when my folks are hurting or need someone to talk to. And I thank you for not tucking tail and running out on me.

I tell you what – we'll keep this open dialogue going and come to terms with the strengths that are in every one of us - and together, we could put the pharmaceuticals out of the depression business, LOL!

I want to thank you once again for listening – and understanding – or at least acknowledging what it is I’m trying to say to you. This is the way I’m seeing it and I’ve always thought that “I’ve Had My Finger Firmly on the Pulse” about a good many things.

All my best to each of you and good luck out there with the cancer fight.

I did not write this post for sympathy or anything like that, as you all know me. I merely am the messenger and reporting what I see from the firing lines.

It was the late Andy Rooney who taught me an invaluable lesson that I’ll never forget. It made such a profound impact on me that I wrote him into that mythical book we’ll never see. And what he said was this….. “It’s a Writers’ Job to Tell the Truth.”

All of you who have come to know me can fully understand how much a statement like that resonated with me and affected me on such a deep, emotional level. That’s the good stuff right there.

-Craig
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Comments

  • Lifeisajourney
    Lifeisajourney Member Posts: 216
    Just remember you have provided
    lots of love/support to a lot of people and you are doing what you can for your dad, but what counts now is you and Kim. We all have diffrent life journeys, good/bad, some really bad, some really good and if you are on here, probably not so good. I hope Kim is ok and you too...I watch life going on around me and you can only do what you can do.....thougts and hugs to both of you.....Pat PS I admit to ativan....when needed...
  • janie1
    janie1 Member Posts: 753

    Just remember you have provided
    lots of love/support to a lot of people and you are doing what you can for your dad, but what counts now is you and Kim. We all have diffrent life journeys, good/bad, some really bad, some really good and if you are on here, probably not so good. I hope Kim is ok and you too...I watch life going on around me and you can only do what you can do.....thougts and hugs to both of you.....Pat PS I admit to ativan....when needed...

    YOU & KIM
    Agree with Pat. This is about You and Kim. You can only do so much. I guess I 'm horrible, but can you just wash your hands with your Dad? I mean, really. Toxic is toxic. There is WAY TOO MUCH STRESS....it needs to be whacked way back. Some of it is beyond our control, but some.....well.....it takes some hard core decisions. Ohhhh Craig. (I am one of those that still thinks God is Good....and always will.....it's just real personal. I look at it in the long-term. But that is just me. It's real, real deep.)
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    Dear Craig
    You have had very heavy burdens to carry, and it seems that they don't lighten with the passage of time.

    First of all, my prayers for Kim that all this may be something other than cancer and easily resolved. I really wish we were all geographically closer so that our support could be more practical, but know that we here will do all we can to help you both.

    Second, the situation with your father is a nasty one. What I am about to say may be a bit mercenary, but will his estate be large enough to help YOU and KIM financially after all is said and done? If so, then I guess the fight through all this is worth it, otherwise, I would consider tossing him to his lady friends and moving on. You and Kim have so much more important things to do than worry over someone like that. (Sorry if I am too cynical for some here).

    Praying for you and Kim to have some of these burdens lifted from your shoulders and to be given some breathing space to find some enjoyment in life.

    Hugs,

    Marie who loves kitties
  • LivinginNH
    LivinginNH Member Posts: 1,456
    Oh my dear friend, I don't
    Oh, my dear friend, I'm so sorry, I don't even want to think about Kim being ill too. How I wish that I could just hold you tight and tell you that everything will be okay... I'm glad that you can find some comfort from the loving and caring people on this board - you are certainly our "Lion".

    Please know that you and Kim will be in our thoughts.

    Love,

    Cynthia and Rick
  • Buckwirth
    Buckwirth Member Posts: 1,258

    Dear Craig
    You have had very heavy burdens to carry, and it seems that they don't lighten with the passage of time.

    First of all, my prayers for Kim that all this may be something other than cancer and easily resolved. I really wish we were all geographically closer so that our support could be more practical, but know that we here will do all we can to help you both.

    Second, the situation with your father is a nasty one. What I am about to say may be a bit mercenary, but will his estate be large enough to help YOU and KIM financially after all is said and done? If so, then I guess the fight through all this is worth it, otherwise, I would consider tossing him to his lady friends and moving on. You and Kim have so much more important things to do than worry over someone like that. (Sorry if I am too cynical for some here).

    Praying for you and Kim to have some of these burdens lifted from your shoulders and to be given some breathing space to find some enjoyment in life.

    Hugs,

    Marie who loves kitties

    About that book...
    Have you considered self publishing? I'd buy an ebook version, as would several others here.

    Just a thought...
  • steveandnat
    steveandnat Member Posts: 886
    makes you wonder
    All of the events going on at the same time really makes me wonder why! What more can be thrown at you. You have a real strong way about you. Take carrot yourself and Kim. Pray everything works out. Jeff
  • tommycat
    tommycat Member Posts: 790
    So much to say...but this quote summarizes...
    “People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
    If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
    If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
    If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
    The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
    Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
    For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
    ― Mother Teresa
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    Oh, dear
    Hey, Craig.

    It's late, and I'm tired, so this will be a brief reply. I just want to tell you that I'm praying for you and Kim, and I SO hope this will be a false worry about cancer for her. Enough already!

    Love you and praying things will be better.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • thingy45
    thingy45 Member Posts: 632
    tootsie1 said:

    Oh, dear
    Hey, Craig.

    It's late, and I'm tired, so this will be a brief reply. I just want to tell you that I'm praying for you and Kim, and I SO hope this will be a false worry about cancer for her. Enough already!

    Love you and praying things will be better.

    *hugs*
    Gail

    Write away, it helps.
    Hi Craig,
    Thank goodness you have your ability to write it all out. Write a way my dear friend, get it all out. It centainly does help.
    I do the same, that is why I have journals, with pictures, quotes, recipies, anger, self loating and above all a lot of humour and much more.

    Your Dad seems like what we now call a bully. You need peace, Kim needs peace. The stress is way to much for the both of you. If you can...... walk away. Who cares what anyone in that church will say. We are talking self preservation. Your and Kims life. Your and Kims health.
    I wish you both health, humour, a good laugh is always good and you have all of our love on this board.
    Even a Lion can be down some times, Roar as you need it and see fit. We listen.
    Hugs, Marjan
  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723 Member
    G'day Craig
    Sorry to hear Kim is unwell. I guess it's not much cosolation but if it is cancer, thyroid is one of the most treatable types there is. As for your problems with family I can only quote you the words of another song "Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone"
    Hugs Ron.
  • pete43lost_at_sea
    pete43lost_at_sea Member Posts: 3,900
    Buckwirth said:

    About that book...
    Have you considered self publishing? I'd buy an ebook version, as would several others here.

    Just a thought...

    me too
    craig,

    don't give up on the book, its just like this illness,

    we don't know whats around the corner!

    sometimes its good.

    care for your girl and yourself, and then if you can your dad.

    remember the story about putting difficult friends and family off the bus.

    i guess his serious illness means you let him on the bus without buying a ticket.

    i guess you can only love your dad, in the safest way you can.

    maybe getting your feelings and thought down on here, will be whats needed for
    you to have some peace out of this difficult relationship. i hope so.

    a few minutes meditation might help if your keen. i also loved the organic comment above.

    when i was being trained as a rescue diver, they number one rule was look after yourslef first, then the person in trouble. it applies in many areas of life, maybe to yours.

    hugs,
    pete
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    ron50 said:

    G'day Craig
    Sorry to hear Kim is unwell. I guess it's not much cosolation but if it is cancer, thyroid is one of the most treatable types there is. As for your problems with family I can only quote you the words of another song "Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone"
    Hugs Ron.

    (Ron) "Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone"
    John Mellencamp sang that one:)

    Yes, thyroid is a treatable cancer - of course my wife, like anyone, doesn't understand all the ramifications and she's a little scared and needed some reassurance from me. I'll know what to do - and we'll get it done. And maybe it's something else....we should know more soon.

    Take it easy, mate - and thanks for your response today.

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    thingy45 said:

    Write away, it helps.
    Hi Craig,
    Thank goodness you have your ability to write it all out. Write a way my dear friend, get it all out. It centainly does help.
    I do the same, that is why I have journals, with pictures, quotes, recipies, anger, self loating and above all a lot of humour and much more.

    Your Dad seems like what we now call a bully. You need peace, Kim needs peace. The stress is way to much for the both of you. If you can...... walk away. Who cares what anyone in that church will say. We are talking self preservation. Your and Kims life. Your and Kims health.
    I wish you both health, humour, a good laugh is always good and you have all of our love on this board.
    Even a Lion can be down some times, Roar as you need it and see fit. We listen.
    Hugs, Marjan

    Marjan:)
    It's not socially acceptable, Marjan, but it does help me some....at least I don't have to closet my feelings anymore...I've buried them deep for many years with everything under the sun....but you can only run for so long.

    All of this is finally playing itself out - you reap what you sow is coming into play - but I still have a legal obligation as executor to get his house to market in 90-days to be in compliance with the divorce decree - his ex-wife gets 50% of the house....even if the state comes in and takes my half.

    There's enough to fight for, though dad has set it up badly, but I'm looking into it...of course the immediate concern is to pay the bills to keep water and lights on, while the house is cleaned and made ready for sale. And his funeral was coming out of that and with his estate tied up in probate, I don't have the means to fund it....that's what makes me sad.

    I'm all about the right thing - as painful as this, I need to do the right thing, because my name is my word and though it's not pleasant, I've never been a quitter...

    Good to see you and thank you for your post. Take the greatest of care. You know I'll get this figured out somehow and bring it to a resolution.

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    tootsie1 said:

    Oh, dear
    Hey, Craig.

    It's late, and I'm tired, so this will be a brief reply. I just want to tell you that I'm praying for you and Kim, and I SO hope this will be a false worry about cancer for her. Enough already!

    Love you and praying things will be better.

    *hugs*
    Gail

    Hi Toots:)
    Any regrests on asking me to stick around a few years ago, LOL!

    Hoping that it is nothing for Kim too. If we're both sick at the same time (with no one around), it would be certainly be the ultimate challenge in all facets of life.

    Thank you!

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    tommycat said:

    So much to say...but this quote summarizes...
    “People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
    If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
    If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
    If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
    The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
    Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
    For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
    ― Mother Teresa

    Hi TC!
    Yes, "Mom" was way out ahead of her time - I aspire to live my life just the way that you described in your post.

    I think in the last 8-years I have finally moved close to the virtues that Mother Teresa espouses...she was right in every word that it is written in your post.

    If we do all of that, then what we learn is that we can live with ourselves each day and when we lay our heads on our pillows each night, we can sleep, knowing that we did all that we can do for that calendar - and that tomorrow may yield the opportunity to do even greater things.

    Thank you for your post and for the wise words in your post...I'm touched by your gesture and I just wanted you to know that.

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    makes you wonder
    All of the events going on at the same time really makes me wonder why! What more can be thrown at you. You have a real strong way about you. Take carrot yourself and Kim. Pray everything works out. Jeff

    Jeff
    I don't think I've had the opportunity to say "howdy" to you yet. My life has been full of surprises and I've been on and off the board, but I've been reading your posts.

    They did a news story on me a couple of years ago about my life and the da Vinci robot surgery I did in North Texas - we were the 1st team to do the procedure on the lung.

    Your comment "what more can be thrown at you?" had me thinking about how they lead off the story....

    It started off something like:

    "You often wonder how much one can take. This man has had a decade of challenges..." etc etc.

    And Jeff, I think the simple truth is that all of us do what we have to do - even though we don't want to do it. I've heard folks say that is strength and courage...but I think it just comes to you being the only one to do it - and you either do it, or you don't.

    That's real strength.

    We will be okay - I hope my wife is not sick...that would be hard on me too. I wanted her to have a good life - and in many respects, I feel as if I've failed her along the way. And I hope that I can make it up to her one of these days.

    Nice to meet you, Jeff and officially "welcome."

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    me too
    craig,

    don't give up on the book, its just like this illness,

    we don't know whats around the corner!

    sometimes its good.

    care for your girl and yourself, and then if you can your dad.

    remember the story about putting difficult friends and family off the bus.

    i guess his serious illness means you let him on the bus without buying a ticket.

    i guess you can only love your dad, in the safest way you can.

    maybe getting your feelings and thought down on here, will be whats needed for
    you to have some peace out of this difficult relationship. i hope so.

    a few minutes meditation might help if your keen. i also loved the organic comment above.

    when i was being trained as a rescue diver, they number one rule was look after yourslef first, then the person in trouble. it applies in many areas of life, maybe to yours.

    hugs,
    pete

    Pete...
    This was a good post - there is hope for you yet, LOL!

    Your diving training is a good rule of thumb to live with - and I'm pausing to reflect on what you said - it certainly makes sense.

    I've always been good at self-survival because I've had to be...I had to cut my mom off years ago from the same type of behavior - and I won't let dad drag me down at the end either.

    Once he passes, then hopefully these painful chapters of my life will die with him, though they will never be forgotten. At least, perhaps, I'll be able to finally dig out from under the rubble and live the rest of my days "as a free man."

    What would that be worth?

    Thanks for taking the time to write me this morning...with you and Blake on board, that's at least 3 copies we've sold - including the one I buy for myself, LOL

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Buckwirth said:

    About that book...
    Have you considered self publishing? I'd buy an ebook version, as would several others here.

    Just a thought...

    Hey Blake:)
    Hey there, Big Hoss!

    How's the world treating you?

    You mean, you still want to hear what I've got to say, LOL!

    I appreciate your comment - and I've looked into self publishing quite a bit and things could end up going that route. I'd like to see it available in some form.

    Of course, what really reached me in your post, was that you were still "interested" in what I had to say in those chapters. I think you would nod your head at several places as you read it. And I want you to read it - and I would value your feedback from said reading.

    It would mean the world to me to hear what everyone here had to say - because you are the folks who know me so well - and you were my inspiration for writing it - and all of your stories and your lives became mine too - and you are the ones who have faithfully stood right my side ever since the day I landed.

    Because, I value all of your feedback and support - and because I just love you guys - and what you think matters a great deal to me.

    I hope you are on the mend and glad to see you on this post - thanks for stopping by:)

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Dear Craig
    You have had very heavy burdens to carry, and it seems that they don't lighten with the passage of time.

    First of all, my prayers for Kim that all this may be something other than cancer and easily resolved. I really wish we were all geographically closer so that our support could be more practical, but know that we here will do all we can to help you both.

    Second, the situation with your father is a nasty one. What I am about to say may be a bit mercenary, but will his estate be large enough to help YOU and KIM financially after all is said and done? If so, then I guess the fight through all this is worth it, otherwise, I would consider tossing him to his lady friends and moving on. You and Kim have so much more important things to do than worry over someone like that. (Sorry if I am too cynical for some here).

    Praying for you and Kim to have some of these burdens lifted from your shoulders and to be given some breathing space to find some enjoyment in life.

    Hugs,

    Marie who loves kitties

    Dear Marie:)
    Have I ever told you what a kind heart that you had? Well, you sure do. I can't thank you enough for your reply. You are always so kind and considerate.

    But, there is alot of "smarts" about you too - you are a wise woman who has been around long enough to accumulate the wisdom you are imparting to me. I just wanted to tell you how much all of your posts have meant to me since I've gotten to know you.

    And Santa Craig knows "Santa's Helpers" too - and thank you for that!

    I'm bound my legality right now....as the sole remaining family member, I'm the executor of the estate and thus have responsibilites and commitments. As part of the divorce decree, he and his ex-wife signed an agreement that she would leave and he would live in the house until he passed away.

    Immediately upon his death, I've got 90-days to get the house made-ready to be listed on the market - these are the legal terms of their agreement and my end is to uphold that.

    The ex-wife gets 50% of the sale - and this in spite of if the State comes in and seizes everything....my end would be lost as well as the money he put aside to pay his taxes, keep his bills paid and cover his funeral expenses.

    It's worth fighting for at this point, because we could use the help and it's a shame to throw it all down the train, just because my dad was short-sighted in how he handled his affairs. If the state does come in and seize it all - then Kim and I would be out and walk away.

    Legally, I'm in a tough bind because I have access to nothing....all would have to go to probate court and the process would be lengthy. And of course, my word means a lot to me and I believe in doing the right thing. While I'm hurt by what's happened, I'm going to see what my legal rights are and see if I can save something.

    He worked for what he had - and to see him throw it all down the drain, I'm just left wondering why - he was not a stupid man....but very secretive concerning his finances....even his wife knew nothing of what he had.

    And we'll hope our Kim is alright - she's really stepped up beside me, because she knows how hard this is - and I see her tenderness towards me coming back....it's been such a long time and that type of intimacy was lost in our cancer battles...and you think you'll never see it again.

    And it's just having your someone besides you in life as you're taking your beating - that's where the "for better or worse" comes into play. And that's what a relationship really is...just helping each other get to the next day until the blacktop ends...

    Love you, Marie!

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Oh my dear friend, I don't
    Oh, my dear friend, I'm so sorry, I don't even want to think about Kim being ill too. How I wish that I could just hold you tight and tell you that everything will be okay... I'm glad that you can find some comfort from the loving and caring people on this board - you are certainly our "Lion".

    Please know that you and Kim will be in our thoughts.

    Love,

    Cynthia and Rick

    Move Over Rick - You're Gonna' Have to Share Cyn:)
    I think if I did not have you here, this part of my journey would be alot more hollow and empty. Knowing I've got some connection and some ability to reach out and talk with you has been a blessing.

    It's the connectiveness that provides the "analgesic" that I need right now - it doesn't take all the pain away, but it numbs it some and I just like knowing that you are out there when I need to reach out to you.

    My life here on the board has always been about giving - I've always had a hard time learning to receive....I'm getting better about it...all of you are slowly changing me in that regard, so you're all doing good work out there.

    I think because I've always been told that I was never worth much, it has always made me feel like I was never worthy to receive from people and having never had an example to go by, I never knew how to respond. I'd give you the shirt of my back, but if it were offered back to me, I'd stand out in the cold and freeze to death.

    I try not to ask much from any of you...mine is still a role of giving, but I'm learning the art of accepting in the spirit with which it is given....and that's been the blessing and the gift that all of you have passed down to me.

    I won't ever be able to thank you all enough for that.

    I'll wait a lifetime for that hug, Cyn - I know it will be worth the wait. KathiM got a big hug from me a couple of years ago at CP9...she described it as a big old "Texas Bear Hug."

    You see, when I hug you, I hug you....bodies facing each other and close and I wrap you up and you can feel the electricity passing back and forth between the bodies.

    None of this stand back two-feet and bend at the waist, will do for this old Texas Boy...we're gonna square up and make it worth our while....no honey has asked me for a refund yet, LOL!

    Take care, Cyn and I'm keeping you and Rick in thought as you move through this next stage of your lives....I won't be going anywhere, I'll be right here, so close I could be your shadow.

    Love you!

    -Craig