Religious nuts etc...

garym
garym Member Posts: 1,647
edited March 2012 in Kidney Cancer #1
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both out by the road pounding signs into the ground that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,
"YOU'RE RELIGIOUS NUTS!!!!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires, followed by a big splash... Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks...




'Do ya tink maybe da sign shoulda jussay..."Da Bridge Issa Out?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Donation



Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'



'It is!'



'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'



'I can!'



'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'



'I do!'



'Is he a member of your congregation?'



'He is!'



'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'



'He will.'



You weren't really expecting something serious from me now were you?
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Comments

  • DMike
    DMike Member Posts: 259
    Laughs
    Thanks for the laughs Gary. You remind me of another friend. Every time I see him I say tell me a joke and he always comes through with a new one. Laughter is good!
  • j_rod
    j_rod Member Posts: 125
    your jokes keep me laughing
    I am getting older, so this one hit home with me.

    What did the right sagging breast say to the left sagging breast?

    "We better get some support soon.....or we're going to be nuts."

    (A little double meaning here...)
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    j_rod said:

    your jokes keep me laughing
    I am getting older, so this one hit home with me.

    What did the right sagging breast say to the left sagging breast?

    "We better get some support soon.....or we're going to be nuts."

    (A little double meaning here...)

    Confession...
    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:


    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'


    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'


    Man: 'What sins?'


    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'


    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'


    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'





    Man: 'Hey, I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
  • icemantoo
    icemantoo Member Posts: 3,360 Member
    garym said:

    Confession...
    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:


    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'


    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'


    Man: 'What sins?'


    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'


    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'


    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'





    Man: 'Hey, I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

    One of the lesser known traditions between Jews and Catholics is the meeting between the Pope and Chief Rabbi of Rome everytime there is a change. For each change the new and continuing Pope and Chief Rabbi meet with the other over two (2) bottles of wine, one Manachevitz and the other from a Convent in Northern Italy where the grapes are locally grown and each one blessed by the religous order. Two (2) traditionaal prayers are offered one Jewish and one Catholic. Each shares the other's wine.

    At each meeting the Chief Rabbi traditionally offers the Pope a sealed envelope, one that has been sealed for hundreds if not thousands of years. Each time the Pope traditionaly refuses the sealed envelope. At the most recent meeting before you knew it the two bottles of wine were now empty and the Pope and Chief Rabbi were both feeling good. Each asked the other, can we open the envelope? They both agreed, why not. Inside the envelope was a crumbling parchment from Moishe the Caterer containing a bill for The Last Supper.
  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    icemantoo said:

    One of the lesser known traditions between Jews and Catholics is the meeting between the Pope and Chief Rabbi of Rome everytime there is a change. For each change the new and continuing Pope and Chief Rabbi meet with the other over two (2) bottles of wine, one Manachevitz and the other from a Convent in Northern Italy where the grapes are locally grown and each one blessed by the religous order. Two (2) traditionaal prayers are offered one Jewish and one Catholic. Each shares the other's wine.

    At each meeting the Chief Rabbi traditionally offers the Pope a sealed envelope, one that has been sealed for hundreds if not thousands of years. Each time the Pope traditionaly refuses the sealed envelope. At the most recent meeting before you knew it the two bottles of wine were now empty and the Pope and Chief Rabbi were both feeling good. Each asked the other, can we open the envelope? They both agreed, why not. Inside the envelope was a crumbling parchment from Moishe the Caterer containing a bill for The Last Supper.

    Oy gevalt, iceman, where did you get that one? Nicely told!
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647

    Oy gevalt, iceman, where did you get that one? Nicely told!

    Arthritis...
    A drunk man who smelled like beer
    sat down on a subway next to a priest.
    The man's tie was stained, his face
    was plastered with red lipstick, and
    a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking
    out of his torn coat pocket.
    He opened his newspaper and
    began reading.

    After a few minutes the man
    turned to the priest and asked,
    'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

    The priest replies, 'My Son, it's
    caused by loose living, being with
    cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
    contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
    around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

    The drunk muttered in response,
    'Well, I'll be damned, '
    Then returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what
    he had said, nudged the man
    and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
    I didn't mean to come on so strong.
    How long have you had arthritis?'

    The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
    I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181
    garym said:

    Arthritis...
    A drunk man who smelled like beer
    sat down on a subway next to a priest.
    The man's tie was stained, his face
    was plastered with red lipstick, and
    a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking
    out of his torn coat pocket.
    He opened his newspaper and
    began reading.

    After a few minutes the man
    turned to the priest and asked,
    'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

    The priest replies, 'My Son, it's
    caused by loose living, being with
    cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
    contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
    around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

    The drunk muttered in response,
    'Well, I'll be damned, '
    Then returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what
    he had said, nudged the man
    and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
    I didn't mean to come on so strong.
    How long have you had arthritis?'

    The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
    I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

    the preacher
    A preacher in a southern town prepares to give his sermon to his followers. Before he starts he begins with an announcement. He says, " I have been hearing that rumors are going around that I am involved with the KKK. Now I want the sinner who has said this to stand and identify themselves in the presence of the lord so that you may be forgiven for your lying sin! A local floosey slowly stands and says, " I think you are talking about me, but you have it all wrong. I never said you were involved with the KKK. I said you were a Wizard under the sheets!"

    I apologize.
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    foxhd said:

    the preacher
    A preacher in a southern town prepares to give his sermon to his followers. Before he starts he begins with an announcement. He says, " I have been hearing that rumors are going around that I am involved with the KKK. Now I want the sinner who has said this to stand and identify themselves in the presence of the lord so that you may be forgiven for your lying sin! A local floosey slowly stands and says, " I think you are talking about me, but you have it all wrong. I never said you were involved with the KKK. I said you were a Wizard under the sheets!"

    I apologize.

    Senility

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    garym said:

    Senility

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

    Senility
    Gary - why always so serious? I trust you've heeded your doctor's comment :)

    I've just sent your story on to my regular golfing partner who has just paid his routine visit to the renal clinic, asking him if he's reached that stage yet! Of course the issue has particular poignancy for winter golfers with n layers of warm clothes and waterproofs to make their way through (unless they have alternative routes for micturition, like flatlander - wish we had more news about how he's doing) but we hope that will soon be behind us as it warms up. Are you in the 60's now? [Not your age - I know that - the temperature!]
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647

    Senility
    Gary - why always so serious? I trust you've heeded your doctor's comment :)

    I've just sent your story on to my regular golfing partner who has just paid his routine visit to the renal clinic, asking him if he's reached that stage yet! Of course the issue has particular poignancy for winter golfers with n layers of warm clothes and waterproofs to make their way through (unless they have alternative routes for micturition, like flatlander - wish we had more news about how he's doing) but we hope that will soon be behind us as it warms up. Are you in the 60's now? [Not your age - I know that - the temperature!]

    Shrinkage...
    And don't forget that cold air shrinkage!
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Shrinkage...
    And don't forget that cold air shrinkage!

    The Irish Brothel...
    Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door
    of the brothel over the road.
    The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
    "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
    "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
    No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
    Knocks, and goes inside.
    "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
    They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

    When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
    "Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
    "One of the girls must have died."
  • LISAinTN
    LISAinTN Member Posts: 143
    garym said:

    The Irish Brothel...
    Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door
    of the brothel over the road.
    The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
    "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
    "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
    No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
    Knocks, and goes inside.
    "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
    They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

    When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
    "Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
    "One of the girls must have died."

    Ha ha!
    Love the laughs, Guys. Thanks! :o)
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    LISAinTN said:

    Ha ha!
    Love the laughs, Guys. Thanks! :o)

    A boy's prayer...

    A little boy was overheard praying:
    'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
    I'm having a real good time like I am.'


    I think this might have been me!
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    A boy's prayer...

    A little boy was overheard praying:
    'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
    I'm having a real good time like I am.'


    I think this might have been me!

    Church sign...
    HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS


    TEXT WHILE DRIVING
    IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO MEET HIM
  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    garym said:

    Church sign...
    HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS


    TEXT WHILE DRIVING
    IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO MEET HIM

    Smiles
    Keep 'em coming Gary. Where do you get them, or are they home-baked?
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647

    Smiles
    Keep 'em coming Gary. Where do you get them, or are they home-baked?

    Dear Lord...
    A wife and mother invited several people to dinner.
    At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said,
    'Would you like to say the blessing?'
    'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
    She said 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,'.
    The daughter bowed her head and said,
    'Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Dear Lord...
    A wife and mother invited several people to dinner.
    At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said,
    'Would you like to say the blessing?'
    'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
    She said 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,'.
    The daughter bowed her head and said,
    'Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

    Hunting...
    Shot my first turkey yesterday!
    Scared the crap outta everyone
    in the frozen food section.

    It was awesome!
    Gettin' old is so much fun...
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    garym said:

    Hunting...
    Shot my first turkey yesterday!
    Scared the crap outta everyone
    in the frozen food section.

    It was awesome!
    Gettin' old is so much fun...

    Physical...
    An 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181
    garym said:

    Physical...
    An 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

    Prayer is good
    ...Went to church last sunday. At the end of the service the preacher asked if there were any special prayers that needed to be said. I raised my hand and said, It's about my hearing." So after the congregation prayed for about 5 minutes, the preacher asked me, "How's your hearing now?" I told him, "I'm not sure. It's not till next thursday."
  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    foxhd said:

    Prayer is good
    ...Went to church last sunday. At the end of the service the preacher asked if there were any special prayers that needed to be said. I raised my hand and said, It's about my hearing." So after the congregation prayed for about 5 minutes, the preacher asked me, "How's your hearing now?" I told him, "I'm not sure. It's not till next thursday."

    Blonde in first class...
    A blonde was sitting in economy class on a flight from Seattle to Chicago. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. "Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear. "I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class. "What did you say to her?" asks the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot. "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago", the pilot replied.