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letter received from my best friend via snail mail

KLScoville's picture
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Ok, I am going to type out the letter that Aunt Dori sent so here it goes:

Nov 21, 2011


I am so sorry for your great loss, I hope and pray that the Lord Jesus Christ gives you healing in your heart, mind and gives you strength. You know that I love you and want the best for you.

The other reason for this letter is that I have some things weighing heavily on my heart and felt due to the fact that you don't like confrontation I would write you concerning this matter. I know that you are struggling and that's understandable, however the afternoon when I was sitting in my truck talking on the phone I was talking to Britny about how you are pushing me away and how you told me that she would drive you to your appointments after we had already discussed it as well as Bonnie because she took care of her mother who died with cancer and she did not understand why you were pushing me away either, because in the end she needed her families love and support.

I was upset I couldn't understand why and felt like you are pushing me away and after my conversation with Britny it confirmed how I was feeling.

You scolded me for calling Britny (even though I did not know she was at work) like I had no right to call her. It seemed like you did wanted be in the same room with me.

The next morning I had a very bad morning my pain level was a nine and my headache was close to it and you seem agitated with me because I did not feel well and was groaning as I woke up and I asked you to change the channel, I know law and order is important to you however at 5:00 AM rape is not something I wanna hear about a specially when I was hurting so bad, (yes you changed the channel with a attitude) but you abslolutely showed not 1 ounce of concern for how I was feeling nor did you ask and that hurt.

I asked if you want me to drive and kind of snap at me (I was offering my help if you wanted it) and when I was merely trying to put the seat belt so that your box wouldn't fall on the floor in the event you had to slam on the brakes or in the event of an accident it wouldn't fall. You yelled at me "it made it here fine and will get home fine." Like I was some waste of space just bothering you with my presence!

As we get back to the house and I see a change in you what is good but then out of the blue you tell me you don't need me there I can go home and I'm thinking to myself what the hell's going on.

So I start loading my truck then I really knew that I was not wanted around you.

You asked me if I was upset or mad and I just shrugged my shoulders I was so upset and did not want hurt your feelings so I sucked it up.

When you asked my opinion about the ribs it was a first time you were civil to me and by that point I have such a headache from crying and being upset because you treated me like I was just some way word friend that I cannot go to Wal-Mart with you, and just wanted to get hom I don't want to be anywhere I AM NOT WANTED!

On my drive home I remember you telling me three or four times not to touch the steaks and it never really thought about that much until the evening when we spoke on the phone and you asid you're going over to Tommy's to hangout, then it all became clear to me; you had no intentions for me to be around to help you, or support you, or even just to love you, as you said from the beginning I did not need to be there!

So I figured it was Sunday football, steaks, hang out with the new friend and roommate and I wasn't included or wanted around!

I called you 10:00 last night and you called me back and said that you were sleeping not once did you call me to let me know how you are doing (even though you said you would when you got back so I did not have to worry) No I don't control your life however Friday you were so down and out Chaplin, Brit and I were very concerned about you and a simple call would have been nice so I would know your safe and ok, but I guess everyone else knew that but me.

I called to get you appointments and knowone called me back, they called your cell like I was a nobody in your life.

It is 12:30 AM and I have not heard of single word from you today, I don't know how your doctor's appointment went, I am sure you talk to your mother and your daughter and your online friends how your day went, but yet is is so clear to me how insignificant I am to you!

I haven't called you because you said you needed space and needed to be alone but I guess you being alone only included me.

I'm sorry if my medical condition is uncomfortable to you and my imperfect personality conflicts with your daily life that I will tell you this Kelly; this truly a breaking my heart and I am done trying.

I love you, forgive me if this hurts you however it needed to be said

May the Lord Jesus Christ bless you and your new life and give you strength and courage to live a full and happy life.


P.S when you really need me its your call you know I will always be there for you

11/22: Kelly you called me and told me you are trying to get Brit to move in with you and that is good. When you were thinking of going to Rome, I suggested that Brit and I move in with you and split the rent you said "NO" it won't work. See here is another point on how it seems you don't want me around. Sorry but that is how it seems.

Okay that is the letter.....It took me 3 days to open it and now I know why. How can I explain to her that I am grieving the loss of my husband and that is the only thing that matters right now!!!! Not her issues with me, I have no issues with her....I HAVE NO MORE MARKIE!!!!! That is my problem!!!! And that is going to be my problem for a long time....this is not something that you just snap out of...it takes time, and as much time I need it will take!!! The grief counselor asked me today if I would like her to call Dori and talk with her. I don't know....I don't know.....I just miss my Mark!!!! I don't want to deal with this!!!!

Kelly Scoville

Posts: 79
Joined: Jul 2011

Obviously she has no idea.
Breathing in and out is enough for now.

Posts: 1846
Joined: Aug 2010

I'm not sure if Aunt Dori's condition is purely physical or also involves psychological components but I'm thinking the ego-centric letter she sent is the only way she communicates, good times or bad, Kelly.

Whatever is wrong here is not for you to sort out right now, Kelly.

Go to Rome. Breathe. Rest.

Deal with Aunt Dori when you are ready.


jimwins's picture
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Kelly,

I'm glad you're talking with a grief counselor.
And you're right about this taking time and it's YOUR time
however long it takes.

You're dealing with so much right now: grief, a menagerie
of emotions (current and repressed), concern about your future,
and on and on...

I think your aunt Dori means well but doesn't understand that you choose
who you want to be around and support you at this time. It doesn't mean
you hate her, etc. Many years ago, I lost a partner and my mother and one
of my sisters came for the funeral and stayed with me for two weeks.
It was difficult and I snapped at them a couple times. I was ready to
be alone to deal with the grief on my own terms. Don't get me wrong,
to this day, I'm eternally grateful for their support but I felt
kind of "smothered" after the first week. I did later apologize and I
know they truly meant well but I needed space I think. I know I was kind
of "lost" at that time but had to find my own way on my own terms. It
was a very difficult time and I probably didn't handle some things in the
"ideal" way but we're human - right?

So, be human and deal with this in the ways that work best for you. It doesn't
mean you have to be an "angel" all the time. Eventually, you'll come around
to the "new Kelly" and life will bet back to a new normal.

The roller coaster didn't end with Mark's passing and it will be
awhile before the ride ends. Just hang on and deal with things
as best as you can - that's really all you can do.

Big Hugs,


ddpekks's picture
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

let it be enough that you got it out of your system by sharing it with us. Aunt Dori will be fine or not! That depends on Aunt Dori! She has issues that do not involve you at this time. She may think they do, but you know that her issues are deeper and you don't need that on your plate right now.

Like someone else said....deep breaths. Put one foot in front of the other and do whatever it takes to get you through your day. We care deeply for you and wish we could help you more. Just know that we are here for you.


KLScoville's picture
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Thanks all, I am doing the best I can with her. I am going to have the grief counselor talk with her.

Again thanks.

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I often remind myself that I can't change others. I can only change how I react to them. Your aunt seems to only be thinking about herself. Right now you need to care for yourself. Do what you need to do to grieve. Letting the counselor talk to her may help, or she may see that in a negative way as well. If she is toxic for you right now, keep your distance. You don't need negative people bringing you down. Breathe deeply, take one baby step at a time, and surround yourself with positive and loving people. Your aunt just doesn't get it. She may think she does, and she may mean well. Send her a note just saying you love her, if it will make you feel better. Hugs, Fay

I_Promise's picture
Posts: 213
Joined: Aug 2011

Your Aunt Doris reminds me of of my other sister, the one without brain cancer. She took it personally when my sister with the brain tumor was snapping at her. And when she was needed (to drive to appointments or come to a fundraiser) she said she had to study for a test. She says she loves my sister with the cancer very very much but makes it about her issues. Some people just don't get it. To love unconditionally is more than words. It is about actions. You are grieving. Do not answer the letter. Do not deal with it. Deal with the horrible sadness in your life right now. Do what you need to do, so that one day you can smile again.


KLScoville's picture
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Hello all,

The above letter is from my best friend, we just call her Aunt Dori, she is a couple of years older than me.

I am having the grief counselor talk to her. Dori did call me today and wanted to really talk about the letter (or actually as she put it, what is weighing heavily on her heart). I told her that I didn't want to today. She said that she knows that when her grammie passed away that she thought her whole world stopped. I told her it is not the same and left it at that.

Thanks for understanding my issues. I had to vent it out.

In great sadness,

wife of Mark Scoville RIP 11/14/11 stage IV lung cancer with mets

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