letter received from my best friend via snail mail
Nov 21, 2011
I am so sorry for your great loss, I hope and pray that the Lord Jesus Christ gives you healing in your heart, mind and gives you strength. You know that I love you and want the best for you.
The other reason for this letter is that I have some things weighing heavily on my heart and felt due to the fact that you don't like confrontation I would write you concerning this matter. I know that you are struggling and that's understandable, however the afternoon when I was sitting in my truck talking on the phone I was talking to Britny about how you are pushing me away and how you told me that she would drive you to your appointments after we had already discussed it as well as Bonnie because she took care of her mother who died with cancer and she did not understand why you were pushing me away either, because in the end she needed her families love and support.
I was upset I couldn't understand why and felt like you are pushing me away and after my conversation with Britny it confirmed how I was feeling.
You scolded me for calling Britny (even though I did not know she was at work) like I had no right to call her. It seemed like you did wanted be in the same room with me.
The next morning I had a very bad morning my pain level was a nine and my headache was close to it and you seem agitated with me because I did not feel well and was groaning as I woke up and I asked you to change the channel, I know law and order is important to you however at 5:00 AM rape is not something I wanna hear about a specially when I was hurting so bad, (yes you changed the channel with a attitude) but you abslolutely showed not 1 ounce of concern for how I was feeling nor did you ask and that hurt.
I asked if you want me to drive and kind of snap at me (I was offering my help if you wanted it) and when I was merely trying to put the seat belt so that your box wouldn't fall on the floor in the event you had to slam on the brakes or in the event of an accident it wouldn't fall. You yelled at me "it made it here fine and will get home fine." Like I was some waste of space just bothering you with my presence!
As we get back to the house and I see a change in you what is good but then out of the blue you tell me you don't need me there I can go home and I'm thinking to myself what the hell's going on.
So I start loading my truck then I really knew that I was not wanted around you.
You asked me if I was upset or mad and I just shrugged my shoulders I was so upset and did not want hurt your feelings so I sucked it up.
When you asked my opinion about the ribs it was a first time you were civil to me and by that point I have such a headache from crying and being upset because you treated me like I was just some way word friend that I cannot go to Wal-Mart with you, and just wanted to get hom I don't want to be anywhere I AM NOT WANTED!
On my drive home I remember you telling me three or four times not to touch the steaks and it never really thought about that much until the evening when we spoke on the phone and you asid you're going over to Tommy's to hangout, then it all became clear to me; you had no intentions for me to be around to help you, or support you, or even just to love you, as you said from the beginning I did not need to be there!
So I figured it was Sunday football, steaks, hang out with the new friend and roommate and I wasn't included or wanted around!
I called you 10:00 last night and you called me back and said that you were sleeping not once did you call me to let me know how you are doing (even though you said you would when you got back so I did not have to worry) No I don't control your life however Friday you were so down and out Chaplin, Brit and I were very concerned about you and a simple call would have been nice so I would know your safe and ok, but I guess everyone else knew that but me.
I called to get you appointments and knowone called me back, they called your cell like I was a nobody in your life.
It is 12:30 AM and I have not heard of single word from you today, I don't know how your doctor's appointment went, I am sure you talk to your mother and your daughter and your online friends how your day went, but yet is is so clear to me how insignificant I am to you!
I haven't called you because you said you needed space and needed to be alone but I guess you being alone only included me.
I'm sorry if my medical condition is uncomfortable to you and my imperfect personality conflicts with your daily life that I will tell you this Kelly; this truly a breaking my heart and I am done trying.
I love you, forgive me if this hurts you however it needed to be said
May the Lord Jesus Christ bless you and your new life and give you strength and courage to live a full and happy life.
P.S when you really need me its your call you know I will always be there for you
11/22: Kelly you called me and told me you are trying to get Brit to move in with you and that is good. When you were thinking of going to Rome, I suggested that Brit and I move in with you and split the rent you said "NO" it won't work. See here is another point on how it seems you don't want me around. Sorry but that is how it seems.
Okay that is the letter.....It took me 3 days to open it and now I know why. How can I explain to her that I am grieving the loss of my husband and that is the only thing that matters right now!!!! Not her issues with me, I have no issues with her....I HAVE NO MORE MARKIE!!!!! That is my problem!!!! And that is going to be my problem for a long time....this is not something that you just snap out of...it takes time, and as much time I need it will take!!! The grief counselor asked me today if I would like her to call Dori and talk with her. I don't know....I don't know.....I just miss my Mark!!!! I don't want to deal with this!!!!
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