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I cannot process anymore, can you help me

forme's picture
forme
Posts: 1162
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi All,

It seems like the only thing I talk about with you all is the emotional and difficult part of my life lately. I have debated all weekend about sharing more sadness with you. I am so ready for some happy in my life. My family seems to not want to talk or be supportive. They really just don't get what life with cancer is all about. I know that you all get it, but I really hate to share so much sadness. I am overwhemed by it. I am feeling like I am drowning in it.

I know that just about a week ago I told you all about our dear family friend who has lung cancer. She never smoked and has lived such a clean healthy life, it's just so sad. Our family and their family have been close friends for over 40 years. Their son is just a few months older than me. Well he was married for the very first time in July 2009. He found a wonderful younger woman with two kids. Instant family. We could see his happiness.
Well, on friday by accident I found out that his sweet 43 year old wife was diagnosed with Leukemia on March 23. She had her first induction chemo in April. In May, he had a planned hip replacement and was in the same hospital as his wife. He went home a week after getting his new hip. His wife got an infection and was not doing well. She passed away on May 26.

I am having such a hard time with this. We were not told since I was getting ready for texas and the family did not want to add more stress to our family. I cannot believe that she died so fast and so young. I am in shock and so so sad. I feel like my tears are stuck inside me and that I am drowning. I am feeling afraid. Maybe it's everything catching up with me. This year has had so much to endure. I want to be able to give my love and support to this family but I am so lost right now.

They have always been so supportive of me and my family. They have given so much and visit with my elderly mom regularly. The husband and wife have been like another set of parents to me. He was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma about 2 years ago but is not receiving any treatment at this time. Now she has cancer and their son has returned home since his wife died from cancer. I feel so surrounded by cancer. I am scared.

You all have been the best support and I feel like I have taken so much from you. I am just so tired of cancer and so tired of fighting cancer. I wish I could just cry right now, but nothing happens.
I have tried so hard to be strong, for myself, for my family, for everyone.
I hope I have not burdened you all to much with this. I am just so scared and tired and lost right now. I don't know how much more I can stand.

I hope I have made some sort of sense with this post. I have just typed what I am thinking.
Thanks for always listening(reading) and for your being there...

Lisha

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3184
Joined: Jul 2010

Dear sweet Lisha,
No way are you a burden,so please don't ever feel that way. The hardest thing for me is not being able to sit down beside you and wrap my arms around you and smother you in hugs. I can't even imagine how hard it is seeing so many people you care about and love dealing with so much cancer. On top of the fear that comes with your own cancer and then worrying for them...my gosh it's got to be extremely overwhelming. Of course you are scared. How could you not be? I do think you should go and see your friends and tell them you appreciate the fact they wanted to keep stress from you, but now that you know his wife has passed away, you want them to know how much you love them and how sad you feel for them. It's never good to leave words of support and love left un-spoken. IT's a sad hard time for all of you, but it's also a time where everyone needs to know how much you all mean to each other. Does that make sense? By doing this, maybe you will be able to release some of your pent up emotions that need to come out. My heart just aches for you and I wish there was more I could do than just write words. Don't give up, you are stronger than you think. I am always here for you to talk with and I know everyone else is here for you also. Keep writing your thoughts and we will always be here to listen. Love you..Sue

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Hey Lisha,

"Prednisone Kid" here packing my "I can't sleep" six guns....
(Do I hear the theme from "The Good Bad and the Ugly" playing ?)

I've fought with what exactly to write - everything from images of you
and me walking down a dusty street in a typical western, spurs jangling,
taking cover and shootin' the bad guys - the notorius "Tumor Gang"....
to a discussion of how we are like hampsters in those little bubbles -
bubbles created by our loved ones and ourselves to protect us and how
they may not be such a good thing after awhile.

Anyway, with chemo brain and predniZONING right now, I probably don't make
much sense. I think Sue probably has some good advice and it might be
therapeutic for you and your loved ones.

(Okay back to Clint Eastwood, different movie)

"Ya feelin’ lucky, punk (cancer)? huh? Come on…. Make my day…"

I guess it's a good thing I didn't do major drugs in my youth - can
you imagine what I'd be like now?

I hate that you are going through this!

You know we're always here...

JoanieP's picture
JoanieP
Posts: 573
Joined: Mar 2010

I think you are an actor wanna bee or maybe you should just move to Hollywood and become a star. You also could be a commedian:):):) Joanie

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

I'd bomb at standup ;).

Believe me, I have my bad moments. I do believe that a little
levity helps with the "longevity". I'm also very blessed
and thankful that I'm doing better than expected with all this and
to have all you folks around too.

I do take things seriously and don't mean to make light of anyone's posts.
I suppose it's a coping mechanism. I do know from experience that sometimes
when we're stuck in a dark place, it helps to distract ourselves.
I'm human and do occasionally sit in the "doom and gloom" chair but
I like to think of it as a folding chair - not for permanent use.

Again, I'm very thankful I'm able to do this now. I realize if I were
worse off, had absolutely no energy, etc. I might be singing a different tune.
For now, I want to take advantage of the bounty :).

Thank you for "you".

Jim

violinist1
Posts: 33
Joined: Aug 2011

Dear Lisha,
You most definately could benefit from a professional person who can help you to bear all that has happened in your life. You can call for free a professional oncolgy social worker at the cnacer care connect website and they wil help you to figure out a way up from the troubles you face. Thre is noeasy solution. You have a lot of grief. I am sosorrythat you feel so alone. It is so important that you tell your doctor about the state you are in, and maybe he will send you to someone covered by insurance locally. It sounds like you need support, and in person, and now.

COBRA666's picture
COBRA666
Posts: 2413
Joined: May 2010

Lisha,
I agree entirely with what Sue has said.Never feel alone as long as you have us here. We will always be here for you. Family members really do not know what we go thru and what thoughts are on our minds. Just keep us up to date anytime you feel like it. Again,we are always here. John

dixiegirl's picture
dixiegirl
Posts: 1043
Joined: Apr 2006

Lisha,

It's ok to get overwhelmed honey. This journey we are on isn't easy, we ARE warriors and with every war there are ups and downs with our thoughts and emotions. My heart is with you every moment of every day. I know I would rather be there in body to wrap my loving arms around you and send some good vibes, but for now it's cyber hugs {{{{{{{Lisha}}}}}}

Take it easy. Do something nice for yourself. Take time to heal. Find something every hour to find the beauty in the moment. Listen to soft music or hard rock (whichever floats your boat). Take a nice bubble bath, with a great wine and a hot book to really get your imagination in gear. Walk Lola. Enjoy the sunset, see the beauty....look in a mirror.

We love you, and will be here every step of the way!

Beth

JoanieP's picture
JoanieP
Posts: 573
Joined: Mar 2010

I hate that you are having such a difficult time. I love everything Sue and Beth said. Maybe telling the Dr. how hard things are and maybe take an antidepressant. I take effexor. It is weight neutral. It really helps me I think because I can get out of a funk pretty fast. I agree with Sue. Please feel free to say your feelings here. You have helped so many people by your words. This is your time to get the hugs back. I agree to talk to the family. Sometimes we have to tell people what we need before they know what to do. Take care of you. Love Joanie

Go_go_Gi_gi
Posts: 84
Joined: Aug 2011

Love the cyber hugs from Beth--and can't agree more withe Joanie and Beth---
Here's another one: [[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]
Really appreciate your honesty and the support from all the NHL gang. Susan

truckingalong
Posts: 444
Joined: Aug 2010

Dear Lisha,

I admire your beautiful and clear expression of emotions although they may not be pleasant to report. Still this gives you strength by expressing them. I had been down for a while and found that deep, dark moments do pass and then I can move on. Thank you for sharing yourself here - my warm hugs to you.

Liz

trustinJesus
Posts: 59
Joined: Oct 2011

Hello Lisha, I just joined this site. I feel the same way. My uncle just passed away in May from bladder cancer. He was only 59 years old. He was a smoker. My dad was not feeling well and he went to the doctor after the funeral of his brother. He has diffuse large b cell lymphoma stage 4. I am devastated. He is gonna have his third treatment of R CHOP on Tuesday. My grandma just went and had a colonoscopy and that didn't go well. They could only get the scope a 1/4 of the way in and had to do an MRI instead. Waiting on the results. She had a cancerous polyp removed 10 years ago. They said it could be a twisted colon. I am just praying that is the case. I feel overwhelmed and sometimes don't even want to get out of bed. I just keep remembering that the Lord won't give me more that I can handle. I can't let the devil overwhelm me with fear. Put your faith in the Lord.

jnyb2020
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

I am new to this forum. I wish this type of "connection" was available when I was going through it! I am so sorry for your situation(s)!! I agree with the previous comments on a number of ideas. Mostly, you ARE overburdened! I found myself in this situation before, and I did see my local Therapist, because I thought I would literally implode! I was helped, not just from talking about it, but I was given meds to at least curb my anxiety. Sometimes it is a good idea to seek professional help, at least for a short time!
I also agree that the families do not understand what you are going through, and in this way, they are also the victims, it puts them in an awkward position, which only adds to their and your frustrations. My family was the same way. But at least it seems that you have some "adoptive" family here, and don't worry about talking about "IT"! I understand!
No matter how fast you run, or how far you go, you can't get away from the battle, because it is inside you. Mentally and physically! You have to fight with all your spirit, 24/7.
Also, a little YOU time is definitely warranted! Sometimes I would "runn oft!" and just have some down time, to regroup, and recharge!
Today is my birthday. Each one is always special, but I just wish my body could keep up with my mind! I was stage 3, NHL. Prognosis was less than 6 months. This was 1983!
So, no one can say what will happen! Just be there for your family in that they are trying their best, but again, cannot fathom the battle you are in, and don't give up!!
There WILL be sunny days on the horizon!

JoanieP's picture
JoanieP
Posts: 573
Joined: Mar 2010

Hi
Thank you for your wonderful post. Your words that you had stage three NHL in 1983 and are stil well were wonderful to hear. I had stage three follicular in 2009 and I'm healthy and loving life. God bless you for your words. Joanie

jnyb2020
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

Thank YOU! For your kind words...not just here, but I have seen your words of encouragement on numerous posts. So, thank you, and congratulations too! Let's just keep proving them wrong! Stay free, and God bless!
Semper Fi, John

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