Putting The Pieces Back Together...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again!

I subscribe to a weekly newsletter called Writing Through Cancer by Sharon Bray. Sharon encourages others who are and have gone through cancer to share their experiences throughout their journeys by writing.

This past week's newsletter really summed my feelings up. Sharon uses the above rhyme as a metaphor to describe what we go through and what we're left with in the aftermath of cancer.
She shares a quote from Arthur Frank’s 1996 memoir, At the Will of the Body. "Frank, who teaches at the University of Calgary, suffered a heart attack at the age of thirty-nine, but a year later, he was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. In the book, he recounted his experience and reflected on what it meant to be sick. The experience of illness, he wrote, goes well beyond the limits of medicine. When the body breaks down, so does the life. Even when medicine can fix the body, that doesn’t always put the life back together again (p. 8)."

I couldn't have said it more eloquently and profoundly. This explains exactly where I am in my journey, trying to put the pieces of my life back together. At the moment I feel like a jig saw puzzle. That feeling of being lost makes sense to me in light of Sharon's newsletter. It may be perfectly normal given the journey, but I feel anything but normal. Since my last radiation treatment on the 15th I feel as though a waterfall of feelings and emotions that have been dammed up for so many months have finally broke through and are pouring down upon me barely allowing me to catch my breath.

As we get ready for the start of the school year I find that I feel more lost than ever. I'm working through a lot of things right now and I'm sure I'll figure it all out eventually. It is yet another step in the whole process of recovery. In the meantime, I'm having up days and down days.

Some doctors at the end of treatment will tell patients that there is "no evidence of disease". I find that to be such a contradictory statement. Every day I look in the mirror at my body, all I see is the evidence of disease. I've lost a breast, I have a multitude of physical scars, and the ever present lymphedema, headaches and fatigue to remind me daily of this disease. I have the nightmares of recurrence and death that plague me in my sleep. Again, I'm told this is normal.

Many breast cancer survivors use the term "the new normal" after treatment to describe their lives. If all of what I am feeling and experiencing is normal, I'd rather exchange it all for something better. Many women say they learn so much from their journeys, even positive things. I'm still reviewing the lesson plan trying to figure out the curriculum.

Some days I feel like life is going on all around me and I'm in stasis. I can't help but look at where I'd be right now were it not for the detour that cancer caused. I know I shouldn't dwell on such things, but it's so hard to be set back so far.

My immediate plan is to regain and reclaim my health, strength and energy. I have to for myself and for my family. I have set goals for the coming year and I'm certain I will achieve them, but some days are really hard to push through.

I will continue to receive support through the cancer agency and I know I will have the continued support of family to see me through the coming months. I think of my future and how I would like to see it unfold and I hope and pray that things will begin to go in our favor now. We as a family have paid a high price this past year, it's time for things to get better now.

More later...