Putting The Pieces Back Together...
![emamei](https://us.v-cdn.net/6035652/uploads/pictures/npicture-139560.jpg)
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again!
I subscribe to a weekly newsletter called Writing Through Cancer by Sharon Bray. Sharon encourages others who are and have gone through cancer to share their experiences throughout their journeys by writing.
This past week's newsletter really summed my feelings up. Sharon uses the above rhyme as a metaphor to describe what we go through and what we're left with in the aftermath of cancer.
She shares a quote from Arthur Frank’s 1996 memoir, At the Will of the Body. "Frank, who teaches at the University of Calgary, suffered a heart attack at the age of thirty-nine, but a year later, he was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. In the book, he recounted his experience and reflected on what it meant to be sick. The experience of illness, he wrote, goes well beyond the limits of medicine. When the body breaks down, so does the life. Even when medicine can fix the body, that doesn’t always put the life back together again (p. 8)."
I couldn't have said it more eloquently and profoundly. This explains exactly where I am in my journey, trying to put the pieces of my life back together. At the moment I feel like a jig saw puzzle. That feeling of being lost makes sense to me in light of Sharon's newsletter. It may be perfectly normal given the journey, but I feel anything but normal. Since my last radiation treatment on the 15th I feel as though a waterfall of feelings and emotions that have been dammed up for so many months have finally broke through and are pouring down upon me barely allowing me to catch my breath.
As we get ready for the start of the school year I find that I feel more lost than ever. I'm working through a lot of things right now and I'm sure I'll figure it all out eventually. It is yet another step in the whole process of recovery. In the meantime, I'm having up days and down days.
Some doctors at the end of treatment will tell patients that there is "no evidence of disease". I find that to be such a contradictory statement. Every day I look in the mirror at my body, all I see is the evidence of disease. I've lost a breast, I have a multitude of physical scars, and the ever present lymphedema, headaches and fatigue to remind me daily of this disease. I have the nightmares of recurrence and death that plague me in my sleep. Again, I'm told this is normal.
Many breast cancer survivors use the term "the new normal" after treatment to describe their lives. If all of what I am feeling and experiencing is normal, I'd rather exchange it all for something better. Many women say they learn so much from their journeys, even positive things. I'm still reviewing the lesson plan trying to figure out the curriculum.
Some days I feel like life is going on all around me and I'm in stasis. I can't help but look at where I'd be right now were it not for the detour that cancer caused. I know I shouldn't dwell on such things, but it's so hard to be set back so far.
My immediate plan is to regain and reclaim my health, strength and energy. I have to for myself and for my family. I have set goals for the coming year and I'm certain I will achieve them, but some days are really hard to push through.
I will continue to receive support through the cancer agency and I know I will have the continued support of family to see me through the coming months. I think of my future and how I would like to see it unfold and I hope and pray that things will begin to go in our favor now. We as a family have paid a high price this past year, it's time for things to get better now.
More later...
Comments
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It takes time...
To overcome what one goes through in battling bc....we all want to rush it and be "normal " again..doesn't happen like that....as far as fatigue I was told the first time around, that it takes as long to regain your energy and strength about the same amount of time you were in treatment..It happens, but not right away...we all have the physical and emotional scars of cancer....The physical scars never leave us...but we can "move on"...but again, it takes time....after two years, I am in the battle again...much worse this time...but during the two years of NED I didn't waste my time wondering when and if it would come back....don't get me wrong, those thoughts surfaced more than once! But my way of thinking was....I had no control of getting bc the first time and no control of it returning...and return it has....time is precious, try not to waste it on the what if's...easier said than done, I know.
Give yourself time...take it one day at a time, or hour at a time of that's what it takes to get through the day...you've been to hell and back..both your body and mind needs time to heal..
Hugs and best wishes for your continued good health...
Nancy0 -
Could you share withMAJW said:It takes time...
To overcome what one goes through in battling bc....we all want to rush it and be "normal " again..doesn't happen like that....as far as fatigue I was told the first time around, that it takes as long to regain your energy and strength about the same amount of time you were in treatment..It happens, but not right away...we all have the physical and emotional scars of cancer....The physical scars never leave us...but we can "move on"...but again, it takes time....after two years, I am in the battle again...much worse this time...but during the two years of NED I didn't waste my time wondering when and if it would come back....don't get me wrong, those thoughts surfaced more than once! But my way of thinking was....I had no control of getting bc the first time and no control of it returning...and return it has....time is precious, try not to waste it on the what if's...easier said than done, I know.
Give yourself time...take it one day at a time, or hour at a time of that's what it takes to get through the day...you've been to hell and back..both your body and mind needs time to heal..
Hugs and best wishes for your continued good health...
Nancy
Nancy, could you share with me what your original cancer diagnosis was and what you are now fighting.0 -
YIKES....the aftermath!SueRelays said:I think you put this very
I think you put this very eloquently....and very realistic, at least from my point of view!
Thanks for giving me a couple points to relate to!!
Thank you for originating this post.....like Sue said, you put this eloquently! I just can't seem to put into words this aftermath saga I am experiencing, but your post says it all! I wonder when it will get better? The new normal (I hate that term), the strength, the memory, the daily reminders of what we've been through, the thought of recurrence, the constant doc appts, aches and pains, and the list goes on.....
I try not to dwell on the negative, I try to have a positive outlook each day but gosh darn it, it's hard. It takes alot of energy. And no one warns of this aftermath. I was fine mentally when going through treatment, but now? wow, it's tough. I just began counseling to sort out my feelings. Looking forward to better days ahead....
Chris0 -
It took me awhile, and it
It took me awhile, and it may seem like splitting hairs to you, but I found that it helped me to distinguish between those things that were a consequence of cancer itself and those things which were a consequence of the treatment. Fear of recurrence fits in the first category - that the cancer may kill me is another. But the lymphedema, the scars, the chemo brain...they are all treatment issues and none of these is out to kill me. Somehow I can cope with the whole experience better by this sorting and helped things get better for me emotionally. xoxoxoxo Lynn0 -
totally relate to your postlynn1950 said:It took me awhile, and it
It took me awhile, and it may seem like splitting hairs to you, but I found that it helped me to distinguish between those things that were a consequence of cancer itself and those things which were a consequence of the treatment. Fear of recurrence fits in the first category - that the cancer may kill me is another. But the lymphedema, the scars, the chemo brain...they are all treatment issues and none of these is out to kill me. Somehow I can cope with the whole experience better by this sorting and helped things get better for me emotionally. xoxoxoxo Lynn
I;m about halfway through my radiation treatment and have been tortured by anxiety on and off (mostly on) since the end of my chemo treatments on June 3. Some days are better than others, but most/all days I am struggling with anxiety and negative thoughts. I know it's probably unrealistic to expect myself to be "better" so soon - I'm not even done with treatment yet - but yes, I see the scars, physical and I feel the "aftershocks" (emotional) every day. I still have not come to grips with this whole experience and don;t know how to. Fear and anxiety are my two big issues. Fear of recurrance, fear of death, fear of leaving my children....o round and round in my head. I want to feel grateful that I have not had any physical reaction to the radiation and Xeloda that I am currently taking and enjoy the time NOW but can;t get out of my head.
I;m taking Effexor for anxiety and depression, just started two weeks ago on the full dose and they tell me it will take 5-6 weeks to feel the full effect. I'm also doing counselling, yoga, meditation, exercise...everything I can to try and break this cycle.
Laura0
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