Remembering all this special weekend.

lindadanis said:

I couldn't have said it better William
Dear William and Loretta, I was just reading your post to mine, I couldn't have said it any better but dear William, you have always had a way with words!!!!!!! You are the expert in this department.

I read this website almost daily, although I do not post often, I read all the stories and honestly feel so bad for the stage fours. You are exactly right, most of them don't even know what's ahead of them, just like I really didn't know what was ahead of me. Looking back, I wish we had spent the last eleven months of Ed's life just hanging out, maybe taking rides, enjoying each other, spending the time left that we had doing something else other than go to doctors, doing chemo, watching him sick and sicker all the timer, doing brain radiation, boy, that was a big mistake. He was never ever the same right from the first brain radiation treatment and in my heart the day he signed the papers, I knew it was going to be the beginning of the end, which in turn, it was.

I feel so sorry for all these stage four's, I do not want to take any hope away from any of them, but I hope they carefully view their options completely. The one thing that I learned from the whole experience is this William, I don't believe that Ed's oncologist was honest with him right from the start, he should of insisted that Ed have his head check instead of leaving everything up to him. Maybe if he had a cat scan of his head, it would of shown brain cancer and Eddie would not have done all that treatment for nothing. I do not believe that his doctor was honest enough to give him all the options and be straight up with him.
I have learned something from all of this, do your own homework, research everything yourself and don't rely on just one doctor. Get those second opinions, bring your own options to the table also, not just the doctors.

It is a very sad weekend, I was at my mother's grave this morning and now just getting home from Ed's grave. I bought a beautiful plant to put next to his grave. I miss both of them terribly and yes, it is these type of holidays that are the hardest.

I am walking steadier each day William, one step at a time. I have cleaned out the basement, the garage and now the attic is left. I don't know where we are heading, if we are heading out of this house or not, but I wanted everything to be cleaned up just in case. I have learned a big lesson this past year, don't take anything for granted, be thankful for what you have and don't ever give up, just keep pushing ahead day by day.

Without you and Loretta in my life, I do not know honestly how I would have gotten through all of this. You are like grandparents to me. I never had grandparents so I have adopted you both if that is ok.

I wish that thing were different since Ed found out he had cancer back on October 7, 2009 but I have learned and accepted the face that it was not me, it was him.

I have forgiven him William for everything that he said and done in his final 11 months on this earth. He was a great husband to me for many years and a great dad to Diana for 22 years.
I believe that his cancer was in his brain probably right from the beginning and I, for one,
don't know how I would have handled some doctor saying to me that you have probably less than six months to live. I do not want to pass judgement anymore on anyone. How he must of felt knowing that he would never see Diana or I again must of killed him inside and I guess he just couldn't handle it. We are all different, we all have our own personalities. I loved him for many many years and I hope he is at peace now. I hope that when I write on this site, that I am helping someone out there who maybe is going through what I have experienced, maybe give that person some insight, this is the reason I write from time to time. This cancer is a beast and they need to find out way sooner when someone has it, not when it becomes stage four before there are symptoms.

I'm so glad to hear from you.

Linda