Journal Entry #4...Everything is back to normal now.....

Lisa, I hope that old saying
Lisa, I hope that old saying is true, that whatever doesn't kill us (or drive us to drink) makes us stronger. The next few weeks will be some of the hardest you will ever experience.

Your sister is so deep in denial, she may not find her way out before your mom passes. So for her, the loss will almost be a surprise, because every day, Wendy says, "I know Mom is dying, but she's not gonna die today, so everyone just stop acting like she is at death's door and act NORMAL." There is nothing normal about caring for a terminally ill person. I know; I have done it more than once.

Wendy's behavior is not unusual, though. As bizarre as it seems to you, it really isn't unusual. My mom very close to an aunt that never had children and helped raise her. Aunt Anna was 88 years old and bedridden from a series of strokes. She lived next door to my mom, and she had the means, so I finally insisted that we hire someone to help with her. (My mom would not even consider Hospice.) I lived 75 miles away and had 4 children, but I spent every weekend at my mom's/aunt's houses.

My mother was a terrible caregiver, because she loved this woman so much, she could not bear the thought of losing her. So she took a vacation on De-Nial, AKA "Wendy's World." She was often angry with her aunt, because she was "lazy." Yes....my mother thought this very ill, almost 89 year old woman, who was recovering from a fractured hip, should get out of bed and take herself to the bathroom, have her meals in the dining room "like everyone else", and (you'll love this one), let my mom take her to the beauty shop!

We were lucky enough to find a woman who was a professional caregiver. She was great. One day she called me and begged me to come. My mom would not listen to her, Aunt Anna was unresponsive, and the poor woman was beside herself. My mom did not want to take her to the hospital, as the doctor had said she should. I'm sure that somewhere in her brain, a little voice was telling her that she would never bring her home again. Finally, the doctor got very cross and told us he would not sign the death certificate if my aunt died at home (jerk!), so we called 911 and they could not revive her either, so they transported her to the nearest hospital, where she was pronounced DOA.

And my mother cried and cried anc cried. I said, "Mother, you knew she was dying." And she replied, "No, I didn't."

When my dad, who weighed less than 90 pounds, was dying from pancreatic cancer and developed pneumonia (the old man's friend, as they used to say), my stepmother insisted that the doctors administer antibiotics. Nothing I (or anyone else) could say would convince her that maybe we should just let him go. "Go where?" she asked.

It's amazing what the human mind can do, in terms of shielding itself from pain and anguish. Please don't think I am being condescending, Lisa. My professional training in this area is zilch, and I know that yours is extensive. But your sister sounds sooooo much like my mom, when her aunt was ill. When we talked last night and you mentioned the bean bag chair, I had a flash-back to my mom, who refused to allow me to purchase Depends for her aunt. Her solution was to place a beautiful ceramic bell on the nightstand, expecting that Aunt Anna could daintily ring it whenever she needed something - like the bedpan. Problem was, the poor woman had almost no bladder control, so by the time she rang the bell, loud enough and long enough to rouse someone out of a sound sleep, it was often too late. And her humilitation at having wet the bed was far, far worse than disposable underwear would have been.


Carlene

Denial
Hi Lisa,
Your Sister sounds a lot like my Father. When we talk to him about my Mom's condition he says she is going to beat it and live to be an old woman. We found this very frustrating since Mom's tumour could not be removed, she has had 22 rounds of chemo and is now on her third line treatment.
My Sister insisted that she needed to talk to Dad to let him know that Mom may not survive the summer and that she is a lot worse then he can imagine. My Dad went blind 12 years ago so her logic is he can't possibly know how ill she is.
My Dad does know and yes he does and says things that defy logic but he just doesn't want to concentrate on the fact that Mom could die. He knows things and not in her favour and that everytime she starts to feel just a little bit better she gets slapped right back down again.
He knows that since she is so depressed that if he acts like she is at death's door that Mom won't have a fighting chance. Therefore, he doesn't. Hope is a terrible thing to lose so we choose to remain hopeful even though we know that Mom is likely fighting a losing battle.
Everyone handles things differently, and I suspect that your sister really does know how poor things are looking for your Mom but for her own survivability she hangs onto the hope.
Keeping all of you in my thoughts.
Kelly

And I thought the Froggy Handkerchiefs
sounded so cool! So glad the hospice nurse finally came, and your mom is getting the care she needs. I have been guilty of using the denial card sometimes, and can relate a bit to your sister. I think it can be a helpfull tool, if you are not ready to face a lot of pain. At some point, your sister will have to face her issues, but maybe she would rather do that after you mom is gone? Or she thinks that her stance will protect her children, somehow from experiencing pain?

In any case, you are on oppposite ends, and that has to be frustating and maddening. Unfortunately facing our immortality or someone else's brings up ALL of our issues on ALLl sides doesn't it?

Love the story about egging the houses. Seriously, you should write a short movie script. Maybe Kathy (whatsohername?) that is NED from ovarian cancer can star as your mom. The profits could go to ovarian cancer research. My son is studying movie making, maybe he would do it for us.

Looking forward to Journal #5.

k❤