Journal Entry #4...Everything is back to normal now.....

Lisa13Q

My sister has informed me that things are fine....Mom isn't going anywhere any time soon...The hepparin is just to help the swelling and she had a great night....and day yesterday.....her nausea is under control as well.......MY VIEW: I arrived this morning to a nauseaous and paned mother who was told this am by her MD that there are no more new chemos to try.....she was crying because she can read between the lines....she wanted zofran for her nauseau and tramdol for her pain.....she talked about how she knew she would not make Olivia's high school graduation, but she had purchased her a present......she is belching deep burps and seems to be in constant pain....,,My response to my sister: I asked her if she was going to be able to use all 76 eggs that she purchased this week for omeletes for my mother, she got irritated at me and said I could use some if i wanted...so I took her son, my 11 year old nephew Jack, around the neighborhood and taught him how to egg a house....unfortunately I failed to remember that we need to do this at night....we were apprehended by the local cops (this is a small town) when I called to let her know, I told her that we weren't doing anything wrong, that we were celebrating Easter, and were at a costume party at the courthouse and she was invited....two can play this game....in regards to Froggy Handkerchiefs, my mother thought they looked more like iguanas and didn't want to use them as she has a phobia of reptiles....

Cindy Bear

Pain
I am so sorry and I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I hate to think of your mom nauseated and in pain. Please try not to be too hard on your sister. I'm sure she's doing the best she can and maybe this is the only way she can truly cope... Having said that, please tell me the house you egged was empty... My mother's house was egged one time, shortly after my father passed, and I remember her crying on the phone.. she was feeling very alone and vulnerable.
Hugs,
Cindy

Lisa13Q

Cindy Bear said:

Pain
I am so sorry and I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I hate to think of your mom nauseated and in pain. Please try not to be too hard on your sister. I'm sure she's doing the best she can and maybe this is the only way she can truly cope... Having said that, please tell me the house you egged was empty... My mother's house was egged one time, shortly after my father passed, and I remember her crying on the phone.. she was feeling very alone and vulnerable.
Hugs,
Cindy

Dear Cindy
I was totally joking.......it was an update from the earlier post where my sister purchased over 72 eggs, 5 gallons of milk and over 7 bottles of spaghetti sauce for a family of 4.....this is my way of venting because I can't have a direct conversation with my sister and when I try, she turns everything into pollyana.....I appreciate your insight though, i can't be too hard on her...that's why I come here....it really helps me vent......but if it's getting too much, I trust the ladies here will tell me....I just get so frustrated that my sister continues to not see reality here because my mother pays a price....I am praying when the nurse gets here today, she will know how to handle this....we needed a nurse a month ago..Mom cannot do anything anymore....I just finished brushing her teeth for her in bed.....I SOOOOOO APPRECIATE your input though as I too am probably going crazy in my way and perspective is really helpful....I am very concerned about my sister's kids because my sister doesn't think we should talk to them about this, yet the 14yo loves my mother....so it's going to be a shock.......

Cindy Bear

Thank goodness
OH thank goodness. you had me totally worried for a minute (see sarcasm is lost on me) .. I pictured you sitting in Mayberry jail.. of course Aunt Bea could bring over a picnic basket of fried chicken so it wouldn't be that bad.... Absolutely come here and vent.. I think everybody understands and looks forward to reading your posts.. not only we do care terribly about you and your mom and sister and family, but you have such a great way of expressing yourself..
Hugs,
Cindy

Lisa13Q

Cindy Bear said:

Thank goodness
OH thank goodness. you had me totally worried for a minute (see sarcasm is lost on me) .. I pictured you sitting in Mayberry jail.. of course Aunt Bea could bring over a picnic basket of fried chicken so it wouldn't be that bad.... Absolutely come here and vent.. I think everybody understands and looks forward to reading your posts.. not only we do care terribly about you and your mom and sister and family, but you have such a great way of expressing yourself..
Hugs,
Cindy

LOL....I am going to invite Aunt Bea
I think Fried chicken and watermelon are in order....maybe brownies would be a great dessert.......in fact, I think I'll make deviled eggs....there seem to be enough eggs in the refrigerator...I'll keep you posted.....I'm thinking we can all play twister afterwards.....

kikiz

Cindy Bear said:

Thank goodness
OH thank goodness. you had me totally worried for a minute (see sarcasm is lost on me) .. I pictured you sitting in Mayberry jail.. of course Aunt Bea could bring over a picnic basket of fried chicken so it wouldn't be that bad.... Absolutely come here and vent.. I think everybody understands and looks forward to reading your posts.. not only we do care terribly about you and your mom and sister and family, but you have such a great way of expressing yourself..
Hugs,
Cindy

14 year olds
I read this post and your last post. I am so sorry to hear about your mom. 20 years ago, my mother-in-law was dying of a brain tumor. She had 4 kids plus many grandkids, 3 of whom were teenagers. The teenagers, ( one was my stepson ) was not only told what was happening but got to help with Grandmas care. It was not required but was treated as a priviledge to be able to care for someone who had cared for you. My stepson who is now in his 30's has no regret about it and has wonderful memory's of Grandma.

As for your sister, I have watched that same thing also and hope you will continue to come here anytime you need to vent. For whatever reason, you will probably never really get the support you need from your sister. That is not saying she is not a good person, it just takes a strong soul to handle it the way you are.

As I read your posts, I realize the strength it not only takes for those of us with this disease but for the wonderful children that wind up caring for us, when we wish it could be the other way around.

Lots of Hugs and Prayers,

Lori

Hissy_Fitz

Lisa, I hope that old saying
Lisa, I hope that old saying is true, that whatever doesn't kill us (or drive us to drink) makes us stronger. The next few weeks will be some of the hardest you will ever experience.

Your sister is so deep in denial, she may not find her way out before your mom passes. So for her, the loss will almost be a surprise, because every day, Wendy says, "I know Mom is dying, but she's not gonna die today, so everyone just stop acting like she is at death's door and act NORMAL." There is nothing normal about caring for a terminally ill person. I know; I have done it more than once.

Wendy's behavior is not unusual, though. As bizarre as it seems to you, it really isn't unusual. My mom very close to an aunt that never had children and helped raise her. Aunt Anna was 88 years old and bedridden from a series of strokes. She lived next door to my mom, and she had the means, so I finally insisted that we hire someone to help with her. (My mom would not even consider Hospice.) I lived 75 miles away and had 4 children, but I spent every weekend at my mom's/aunt's houses.

My mother was a terrible caregiver, because she loved this woman so much, she could not bear the thought of losing her. So she took a vacation on De-Nial, AKA "Wendy's World." She was often angry with her aunt, because she was "lazy." Yes....my mother thought this very ill, almost 89 year old woman, who was recovering from a fractured hip, should get out of bed and take herself to the bathroom, have her meals in the dining room "like everyone else", and (you'll love this one), let my mom take her to the beauty shop!

We were lucky enough to find a woman who was a professional caregiver. She was great. One day she called me and begged me to come. My mom would not listen to her, Aunt Anna was unresponsive, and the poor woman was beside herself. My mom did not want to take her to the hospital, as the doctor had said she should. I'm sure that somewhere in her brain, a little voice was telling her that she would never bring her home again. Finally, the doctor got very cross and told us he would not sign the death certificate if my aunt died at home (jerk!), so we called 911 and they could not revive her either, so they transported her to the nearest hospital, where she was pronounced DOA.

And my mother cried and cried anc cried. I said, "Mother, you knew she was dying." And she replied, "No, I didn't."

When my dad, who weighed less than 90 pounds, was dying from pancreatic cancer and developed pneumonia (the old man's friend, as they used to say), my stepmother insisted that the doctors administer antibiotics. Nothing I (or anyone else) could say would convince her that maybe we should just let him go. "Go where?" she asked.

It's amazing what the human mind can do, in terms of shielding itself from pain and anguish. Please don't think I am being condescending, Lisa. My professional training in this area is zilch, and I know that yours is extensive. But your sister sounds sooooo much like my mom, when her aunt was ill. When we talked last night and you mentioned the bean bag chair, I had a flash-back to my mom, who refused to allow me to purchase Depends for her aunt. Her solution was to place a beautiful ceramic bell on the nightstand, expecting that Aunt Anna could daintily ring it whenever she needed something - like the bedpan. Problem was, the poor woman had almost no bladder control, so by the time she rang the bell, loud enough and long enough to rouse someone out of a sound sleep, it was often too late. And her humilitation at having wet the bed was far, far worse than disposable underwear would have been.


Carlene

Lisa13Q

kikiz said:

14 year olds
I read this post and your last post. I am so sorry to hear about your mom. 20 years ago, my mother-in-law was dying of a brain tumor. She had 4 kids plus many grandkids, 3 of whom were teenagers. The teenagers, ( one was my stepson ) was not only told what was happening but got to help with Grandmas care. It was not required but was treated as a priviledge to be able to care for someone who had cared for you. My stepson who is now in his 30's has no regret about it and has wonderful memory's of Grandma.

As for your sister, I have watched that same thing also and hope you will continue to come here anytime you need to vent. For whatever reason, you will probably never really get the support you need from your sister. That is not saying she is not a good person, it just takes a strong soul to handle it the way you are.

As I read your posts, I realize the strength it not only takes for those of us with this disease but for the wonderful children that wind up caring for us, when we wish it could be the other way around.

Lots of Hugs and Prayers,

Lori

Dear Lori
Thank you so much for your beautiful note...it was just what I needed...i think your idea with grandchildren sounds wonderful, but I have decided for my sanity I am focusing on my mother, and not providing suggestions to sister as she really doesn't want them, which is ok.....The Hospice nurse just came and she was wonderful....I sat in the room with my sister and mother while the RN asked Mom questions....and my sister answered them all for her....I didn't say a word....then my sister left to pick up her dog, who was at the groomers....I have decided that I am letting sister be....and trying not to be judgemental (which I probably am in these posts) But this is my lifeline right now and talking here allows me to be sane when I re-enter cancer caretaking world...I am hanging out with Mom and the dog and reading this site....at 6pm the oncological nurse is coming to teach me how to give my mother heparin injections....that ought to be fun.....NOT......for whatever reason, I am not sad, I am quite peaceful with all this at the moment knowing that Mom is in at least the right hands and we have a resource available 24/7 which we have needed for quite some time....

kellyh33

Denial
Hi Lisa,
Your Sister sounds a lot like my Father. When we talk to him about my Mom's condition he says she is going to beat it and live to be an old woman. We found this very frustrating since Mom's tumour could not be removed, she has had 22 rounds of chemo and is now on her third line treatment.
My Sister insisted that she needed to talk to Dad to let him know that Mom may not survive the summer and that she is a lot worse then he can imagine. My Dad went blind 12 years ago so her logic is he can't possibly know how ill she is.
My Dad does know and yes he does and says things that defy logic but he just doesn't want to concentrate on the fact that Mom could die. He knows things and not in her favour and that everytime she starts to feel just a little bit better she gets slapped right back down again.
He knows that since she is so depressed that if he acts like she is at death's door that Mom won't have a fighting chance. Therefore, he doesn't. Hope is a terrible thing to lose so we choose to remain hopeful even though we know that Mom is likely fighting a losing battle.
Everyone handles things differently, and I suspect that your sister really does know how poor things are looking for your Mom but for her own survivability she hangs onto the hope.
Keeping all of you in my thoughts.
Kelly

MK_4Dani

Do it!
Throw those eggs at some sort of target, (I can't condone a house),....draw a target on a piece of paper. Take the cartons and the kids and throw them. Throw them very hard....you will feel much better, the kids will love it and you will vent some frustration at your sister!
Seriouly, hang in there, keep the journal entries coming...they make me laugh.
Hugs,
Mary

kayandok

And I thought the Froggy Handkerchiefs
sounded so cool! So glad the hospice nurse finally came, and your mom is getting the care she needs. I have been guilty of using the denial card sometimes, and can relate a bit to your sister. I think it can be a helpfull tool, if you are not ready to face a lot of pain. At some point, your sister will have to face her issues, but maybe she would rather do that after you mom is gone? Or she thinks that her stance will protect her children, somehow from experiencing pain?

In any case, you are on oppposite ends, and that has to be frustating and maddening. Unfortunately facing our immortality or someone else's brings up ALL of our issues on ALLl sides doesn't it?

Love the story about egging the houses. Seriously, you should write a short movie script. Maybe Kathy (whatsohername?) that is NED from ovarian cancer can star as your mom. The profits could go to ovarian cancer research. My son is studying movie making, maybe he would do it for us.

Looking forward to Journal #5.

k❤