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“The Fight Has Come to a Stop” – Not the Results Post

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Well, my “3rd Tour of Duty” has come to an end. After 10 long, weary, and trying months, we’ve wrapped up the entire protocol:

1. Full Open Thoracotomy (5 wedge resections of lung & 2 ribs removed)
2. 30 Transmissions of IMRT Radiation (+ 6 wks continuous 5fu pump)
3. 12 Doses of Folfiri Infusion (w/46-hour 5fu pump + 5fu bolus)

I’ve been fighting this fight very quietly for the most part and just going about my business of dealing with cancer. I’ve probably been so quiet, that most people were probably unaware of where I was in the fight or that a fight was in the making. I didn’t see the point in worrying folks unnecessarily, so I just kept going, unless I had something to really talk about it, or a change or something during treatment. The “radiation” post was an example, as I was on the ropes about to hit the canvas.

I got caught up in the “National Shortage” of Leucovorin, so 3 of my last 4 treatments, I went without it. I suppose no hospital is immune to this these days and unfortunately some of us will get caught up in that net. But we do what we can do with what we’ve got and move forward.

I’m battered and bruised – a little worse for the wear, but I was able to make it through my 3rd recurrence battle and was able to take anything and everything that they threw my way. I’m quite proud of the fact that my little body was able to swallow so much poison and toxicity and still be semi-functional. Adding of course, that it still feels good to be here.

I had to trade TOMORROW for TODAY with this fight and gave up quite a bit to see it through. I’ve left my blood and guts in the O/R, let them burn 10% of my right lung and kill that section of my lung, and swallowed 12 very mean rounds of Folfiri. Throughout the campaign we kept our foot on the gas and I got two 5-day workarounds for scheduling issues….other than that, we stayed very aggressive and attacked all the time.

I don’t mind telling you that when my 3rd recurrence popped up and I found that surgery did not get all of the tumor - and that it was in extremely close proximity to my spine, that I certainly had my concerns and apprehensions on how this was all going to turn out.

My body has taken a good lickin' with this portion of my journey. The further I go down the road, I’m becoming convinced that the body “only has so many” big fights in it before we really start losing quality of life. That number would be different for each one of us. When I say “big fight”, I refer to doing the full banana: surgery/radiation/chemo.

While the other protocols are tough on their own, when you combine all of these protocols, you are taxing the body to the limit and I just always wonder which lick will begin to turn me the other direction.

So far, I’ve had 3 big fights and am definitely feeling every one of them. But, I still have some quality of life remaining, so all in all, I suppose it’s been what I had to do to reach this point.

Total Journey Recount:
1. 51 rounds of chemotherapy
2. 55 rounds of radiation
3. 3 rounds of CyberKnife
4. 4 major surgeries

I can also tell you that it has been a long and dark road that I’ve been on this past year. …the loneliest time of my entire journey. Everyone checked out on me this time, so there was nobody and nothing to turn to on these days when an hours worth of company or a phone call would have meant so much.

It got so bad on a couple of occasions, that I drove myself up to the Walmart parking lot and parked the car and just listened to the radio. I wanted so bad to feel that I had some kind of connection, some kind of meaning to society.

And actually, it was a big treat, ‘cause I’ve been out on 60% pay for nine months now and there was no spare cash for gasoline, except to the hospital. When I had 2 extra miles of gas, I drove up there – one mile up and one mile back. I would watch the cars go by on the street and watch people walk into the store. I would sit there and reflect and just hope and dream of when this nightmare would be over for me.

This is probably so hard for any of you to understand, because you have so many people in your life: loving caregivers, kids, grandkids, family, and friends. But for those of us that don’t, the Walk with Cancer can indeed be very lonely and isolating. You really have to dig a little deeper to go to that next level, or you would just go insane. I know I was tested this time like no other.

I can also tell you that I’ve never been physically sicker than any time during my journey. My body has just about reached the end of how many more toxins in a short period of time that I could take. Radiation crushed me and the chemo treatments had me sick 22 of 30 days of the month, so during this time, Life was not really worth living – FOR ME.

I questioned everything and began re-evaluating my life and asking myself “Is this really worth it to me?” It was about that time, that “The Chemo Wars” post was released. My reflections on if I was getting out of the fight what I was putting into it.

I’m coming out of the Darkness now…in the next 30 days, I hope to feel 100% better than I do today, as we wean these nasty chemicals out of my body.

I’ve contacted all the “King’s Horses and All the King’s Men” and they are going to help try and put your “Humpty Dumpty” back together again. I’m going to try now and rebuild this worn out body and my worn out soul.

And along with all of that, I’m going to try and save my marriage, which has been stretched to the very limits of the vows we took “In Sickness and In Health.” After 7-years of caregiving, the scars are evident. I see it so clearly in our souls and the lines on our faces, which are now indelibly etched with who we are now – and what we have become, as a result of this disease.

Yes, Cancer: “It tries to take away all that you are – and all that you’re ever going to be.”

Perhaps, it is for this lone reason, why I keep fighting as hard as I do. I think I also fight on, because I also dream of better days when my life will be full with people and I will have the richness and texture of life and relationships, which I’ve yet to experience. That’s probably worth staying around for:)

Those that have met me, know I’m the same guy as is on this board. In analyzing myself, I’ve come to the conclusion, that I’m OK, but have just not found a circle of people that I can rely on, outside of this board. Cancer scares many people away and they have all walked away – so now it’s up to me to find some new people that can accept me for what I am.

I know I did not bother you guys too much (know how I hate to burden you too much with my problems) but many of you contacted me and wrote things that helped me at critical times during this fight. Some posts were opened and many, many PMs were sent. I want to thank all of you for that. I also want to thank those that have stayed with me and are also waiting to see how things all turned out.

And this portion of my journey could not be told, without again, recognizing “Angel”, who happened to be on-line the day I wrote the “Road to Ruin” post. Her kindness, generosity, and her “gentle nudging” got me back on track at a very critical juncture of this journey.

Financial reasons caused me to cancel scans and surgeries and I thought I was smart enough to evaluate my situation with bloodwork. This was one of the “biggest mistakes” I’ve made since I got Cancer. I was posting a 0.5 but with Cancer raging in my lungs….it was that point that I new CEA was no longer a good indicator for me. After we did the CT all the handwriting was on the wall and I knew right away, we were in trouble and the fight was back in a big way.

I think back to “Angel’s” words of wisdom to me, “We don’t want to get down the road and look back and wonder if this was a critical juncture in your fight.”

No truer words ever spoken to me. I was a fool and was blinded by running out of money to pay my medical expenses, so I let my better judgment get in my way. It took her to get me right and I’ve vowed to never make that mistake again. That one could have been a “fatal mistake.” I’ll never be able to thank her enough, I merely try and pay it forward wherever I find the opportunity to do so.

Through all of this, I am still standing and hopeful of a decent outcome. It’s been a long year – a year that has tested this ol’ war horse, but I can once again see the light, where things might be good for a little while.

Over the last 2 years, many of you have said “Good Times” are coming from me. I’m not greedy, I don’t ask for cure anymore, just give me 6-months to a year break, outside of scans, and I would be grateful for that.

Do I think Recurrence #4 is around the corner?

I think it will be for me….this disease is so hard to beat….I fight it with all that this Texan can muster, but it never seems to be enough.

But, maybe this time will be different….we won’t worry about #4 until it gets here….in the meantime, I’m going to go back to work and try and find the “rhythm of life” once again. And to also get back to helping people, I was so sick during this stretch, that I was unable to reach out – but I know everyone understand how it is when you are in the throes of battle.

My onc is still waiting to schedule scans, so I’m in a holding pattern right now. He wants my bloodwork to settle down and give enough time to see if any new masses appear. I’ve fought and waited a year, so I suppose I can wait a few more weeks.

I’ll be very interested to see how the “big fight” turned out this time. I honestly don’t know which way it will lean. I don’t get Scananxiety, because I don’t expect too much and in that way, I’m not let down too badly.

My hopes and wishes would be that the left lung is still clear – that the 1.1 cm mass in my right lung is stable with no growth (hopefully dead tissue) – and that there are no new growths – and that I’m still clear in the rectum and liver. This would be the ideal words to be reading or hearing. So, we’ll go for that.

I’ve learned many lessons from Cancer and this year was no different – enlightenment came in wave upon wave and my postings probably reflected a great deal of that. That’s the growth that I continually harp about:)

I’ll close this post with another lesson that I’ve learned this year. Based on 3 recurrences and 7-years of active fighting:

“Cancer is HARD – if it were easy, everybody would be doing it – it’s the HARD that makes it GREAT.”

I’ll let you ponder that statement a moment or two – I’ll think you’ll get my meaning…

Ok, here’s the translation…

When we stand up to Cancer and win a victory against It, we ourselves become EMPOWERED individuals – we took our licks – we took our swings – and we did what we thought was completely unimaginable – and we wake up and realize we have grown as people – and because it was “hard” and we overcame It , then that’s the “great” part.

Thanks for reading this post. I hope to have the RESULTS POST as soon as I know something. It’s always great talking with each one of you. It’s something that I look forward to and one of the things I treasure the most in my life.

Still time to get your bets down, LOL:)

-Craig

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 869
Joined: Mar 2011

Craig, My money will always be on you. What an amazing post.
My heart felt prayers are with you,
Judy

amcp
Posts: 251
Joined: Jan 2009

Craig..even though my dear Frank lost his battle with this monster almost 6 months ago, I still hang around to keep a check on you and others. I have sons your age and I am always so impressed and proud of the way you express yourself and fight this monster. I so understand so much of what you say. My mom fought 14 years...so I partially understand the weariness, the ordeal, and the strength it takes to keep on keeping on. I am sorry for you not having anyone. Always know that I am here for you...an ear to listen..a shoulder to rest...you can email me or pm me and I will be glad to give you my phone number. I am proud of your courage to share your ordeal ...the ups and the downs...it will help so many others as you always do...getting to the heart of the matter. I stay in the background mostly...licking my own wounds and sorrows ...but I keep reading ...looking..hoping that there is something I can say or do that will help someone like so many and especially you have done for us. I will keep you as always in my thoughts and especially my prayers. From one Texan to another...
Hope you can feel this big hug I am sending,
Anna
annnaproctor60@yahoo.com

here4lfe
Posts: 306
Joined: Jan 2010

Well said. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences in your most eloquent manner.

Here's a big man-hug, with three back slaps !!

Best

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

Looking to hearing great things in the coming days for you bud...You know Im always in your corner. Water, cut man, whatever you need......love to ya......buzz

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Craig,

Just read through your post. What hit me hardest is how you've been so lonely. I guess I often do/have taken for granted all the people around me, for whom I'm so grateful for.
I'm going to send you a PM- I'll say more there.

Hugs to you Craig,
Lisa

Fight for my love
Posts: 1530
Joined: Jun 2009

My dear buddy,my heart is broken when I am reading your post.I only want to cry right this moment.I fully and truly understand what you are saying and your post struck a responsive chord in my heart.My brother,I am happy that I can catch up with you on this post.I am glad to see that you still have hope and faith in your heart.Thank you for sharing what was going on with us.Thank you for being there every step in my life.You are my hero.As you know,I will always wish and hope for the best for you.You are in my prayers as always.Pray for a very best result for your scan.Take care.

karguy's picture
karguy
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

You will win your victory yet.Some just take longer.You are fighting the good fight.I will pray you win soon.

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6249
Joined: Feb 2009

You have had a hard journey and you have been so very brave. I'm so sorry you are so lonely. Glad that you found this board just so that you know that you are loved and you have extended family here. We will always be here no matter what. Thank you for being so honest and forthcoming with your feelings and life.

Hugs! Kim

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Craig,
Your words always stop me. You are so gifted at stating what your fight has been. I will pray that you and your wife can heal and that your body can heal. You are an amazingly strong man. Thinking of you and sending you a warm hug.

Aloha,
Kathleen

pepebcn's picture
pepebcn
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

I pray for you and your wife, i'm sure everything will be sorted out in a few weeks!.
Have a big,big hug my friend!

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

My dearest Craig,

What a fantastic post! Your journey has been tough + long + you have met every challenge. I am so sorry you have had to deal with so much. You sure don't deserve that! I hope that you and Kim can find the amazingingness in each other that brought you together + even surpass anything you had before. You have the communication skills; I know you can do it! I want to thank "Angel" as she did us all a fantastic favour. Please take good care of yourself, and always remember you have a friend in Canada. Miles can't get in the way of friendshps.

OOPS - Almost forgot to say - congratulations on completing this latest protocol.

Your "Annie"

idlehunters's picture
idlehunters
Posts: 1792
Joined: Apr 2009

Hey Craig....... I am so thankful for your "Angel" She was and is a very special person in your life. I am glad you opened your heart in this post...... you need to reach out and grab onto this family...more than you ever have in the past... WE will always be here for you. I may not be your "angel" but I will ALWAYS be your friend...both here AND in the real world... LUV YOU!!

Jen

rogina2336
Posts: 188
Joined: Apr 2011

Your story and words are amazing. Just amazing.Left me speechless and brought tears to my eyes. xoxo kim

lesvanb's picture
lesvanb
Posts: 911
Joined: May 2008

Your heartfelt words and sentiment speak loudly and strongly as you describe “Cancer is HARD – if it were easy, everybody would be doing it – it’s the HARD that makes it GREAT” and what it means to you. I am humbled by your steadfastness. I am so heartbroken that you are so alone down there in Texas. I get the loneliness of the ongoing struggles to beat back the beast, and what we have to go through for that, the wear and tear on caregivers, how friends can move on, sometimes without realizing that that's what they have done. I am glad you feel comfortable and supported here. I hold you in my heart, my friend. It pleases me to see you holding yourself in your heart.

Ride on,
Leslie

AncientTiger's picture
AncientTiger
Posts: 130
Joined: Mar 2011

Thank you Craig. And I know EXACTLY what you're talking about with the "GREAT" aspect of cancer.....

It's like living in a village at the foot of an impossibly tall mountain, looking up at it every day and hearing stories about people that have actually CLIMBED that monster. Part of you doesn't quite believe it can be humanly possible to climb that beast and win and part of you WANTS to believe..... then one day you find out that YOU are the next person that has to attempt that climb. You're eaten alive with fear and anxiety, but you suck it up and start putting your hands and feet to work.

Fighting cancer, I think, it like climbing that mountain. We hear about folks fighting cancer every day, and don't have a CLUE what it's REALLY about until a doctor looks you in the eye and says, "You have ----- cancer". BUT, once you've fought that fight, once you've climbed that mountain, either for the first time, or the 7th time and you're standing at the summit.... now THAT is a good feeling ladies and gents :D

And THAT is the "great" part of cancer...

Again, thank you Craig, for sharing a bit of your life with us and letting it lift us up!

Lilmiss82's picture
Lilmiss82
Posts: 257
Joined: Dec 2009

From one the the first post that I have read and felt connected to you, you once again have shown incrediable strength and wisdom and will alway remind me that no storm will every weather you, no amount of sweat and tears will ever distort your strength and determination and no matter how hard the blows you stay grounded. You are my ROCK:) Can't wait to hear of those great results!!

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Oh, dear.

You made me cry with the part about everybody checking out on you. I don't have any way to contact you except to reply to you when you post here. I certainly have been praying for you and thinking about you so much. I'm so very sorry that you were feeling so lonely. I do have to say, though, that when I'm going through something very difficult, I usually feel lonely, even when people are there, just because they're not having the same issues, so they can't really understand. That's why this board is so vital for us.

I'm praying you do not have anymore cancer ever! I believe that if anybody deserves a miracle, it is certainly you, my friend.

*hugs*
Gail

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1721
Joined: Nov 2001

I have nothing profound to say. All I can say is that I feel for you my friend. Not for all the crap that you have had to handle from the physical side of cancer but for the emotional crap that goes with it. It is hard to handle with emotional support but very near impossible on your own. I am not an anti-social person but I am probably happiest with my own company even so there are times in the past 13 years that I very nearly crumbled under the pressure of being my own salvation ALL THE TIME. I guess it's worth remembering that when there is nothing left ca just can't take any more from you. You don't have to fear anything,it's all old hat,been there done that,so you begin to exist at a different level. It is sad that your relationship is threatened I can offer no advice ,I moved heaven and earth to save my marriage but my wife wanted to be married to a man not an ongoing illness,I miss her still but **** happens,I have built emotional barriers that would stop an armour piercing round. Easter was a good example ,I did not speak to another person for five days. I hope you are able to save some quality bits of your old life and let those memories get you thru the crap times. It is funny, tho I never seem to reach that middle line in life where nothing good happens but at least nothing bad does,I remain an erternal optomist. Everything will be all right. Love Ron.

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3908
Joined: Nov 2010

Hi Craig,

You deserve the thanks.

Don't thank me for reading when I am thanking you for writing.

I and I belive many others thank you for caring and sharing.

You are the living embodiment of hope and fighting spirit.

What you give to us all HOPE and ENCOURAGEMENT.

When sometimes I feel our medial system's specialises in removing it.

Your are that light at the end of the tunnel.

I am so jealous of your amazing writing ability, but glad we have a diverse board that goes from cannot spell to gifted in written communication.

maybe after a break you might have a look at lifestyle risk factors eg diet, exercise, meditation. you have won, i would love you to keep cancer free

Love Pete

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

You know that all you had to do was to ask, I would be on the plane.....STILL IS TRUE!!!!

Such wonderful words, but then you always can do that....

I am only logged with 2 'big fights', as you know.....one for the rectal, one for the breast. My life has changed in all aspects.

I am meeting with a counselor to deal with all of my 'body blows' that, as well as cancer, have been many in the time since I first heard 'you have cancer' in 2004. She said the same...the 'fancy' tag is 'survivor mentality'. The pride in fighting the good fight, whatever the outcome. The attitude of "you think you can bring ME down?....I've faced death, and am here to speak about it!!!!!!" that is our new existence with everyone and everything! (Although, I must admit, I faltered at the top of the doumo in Florence, walking on the catwalk, so far above the floor. It proved I still have some 'scare' left in me!!!).

Please, I want to ease your troubles...a soft touch, a warm hug, a kind word...just let me know what I can do!

BIG hugs, Kathi

lizzydavis's picture
lizzydavis
Posts: 893
Joined: May 2009

Hi Craig,

You have many many friends here on the CSN board. You are our rock and I hope we are yours. All of these posts show how special you are to us and how we depend on you. You are a strong person with a big heart. WE LOVE YOU!

Hugs,
Lizzy

plh4gail's picture
plh4gail
Posts: 1238
Joined: Oct 2010

My money is on you Craig! You are one of my inspirational heroes. The words you write are full of power and I don't think you even know it. You are sharing your thoughts. Thank you!

Love and hugs, Gail

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

you r in my thoughts, u always have the right words for every one u r awsome and don't ever forget that.

michelle

pokismom's picture
pokismom
Posts: 153
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Craig,
I am betting on you! If theres anyone who can tame the beast it has to be you!
donna

abmb's picture
abmb
Posts: 311
Joined: Sep 2009

Sorry, Craig that you have been so lonely. I don't go on-line much anymore but when I do I always check in here with this board. so many new names, this cancer just keeps hitting more and more people. when i check in I always look for familiar names, especially yours. I am sorry that things are so rough for you, I will keep you in my Prayers! Margaret

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

My dear friend, will be anxiously waiting these 30 days with you, waiting to see how great you did!!! My money's on you Bud!!!!
Winter Marie

SisterSledge's picture
SisterSledge
Posts: 342
Joined: Feb 2011

I'm so happy you're done with your big fight and hope you get a long break now. I wish I lived in Texas...I'd come visit you and give you back some of the smiles you've given to me.
Best wishes,
Janine

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

Keep fighting Craig. So sorry for the loneliness you have felt. I have so many people in my live that I have to hide now and then...what we take for granted! It's a shame that we are not closer together so that we could see each other and chat face to face. I guess what we should be doing is reaching out to local folks, and helping each other, and providing companionship. I am amazed that I have not encountered more local people on this site.

I wish I could do so much more. For you Craig, I am reaching out tomorrow and helping someone in need. I signed up for big Sisters and I didn't hear back from them. I volunteered for and asked for information to be sent to me from Children's hospital, and I never received that, guess I just need to get in contact with the local CSN and see what I can do to help.

Craig, do you have skype?

smokeyjoe
Posts: 1428
Joined: Feb 2011

Craig, I'm relatively new to this, but from your posts I can see you're a wonderful man, and everyone on this board loves and respects you. You really have a way with words. When feeling lonely come here to your friends, they understand what you're going through. I think even with a lot of people surrounding us we all feel alone/sitting on the outside watching life go on around us and somehow feeling some kind of disconnection. Keep up the great posts!!!

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Welcome!

Hugs, Kathi

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3908
Joined: Nov 2010

you are an exceptional cancer patient, according to my heart.
we all are. especially on this board.
we number say 100 active posters even 200.

now around the world, is its close to 1,000,000 new colorectals a year, in the us in 1996 it was 150000. thats every year. now about 50% goto god give them peace. but we should be adding 50,000 each to the list of survivors.

we are the 1% conservative who are focused on giving support and love and hopeflly picking up some advice to give us the edge not the ledge. if you get my meaning.

i have bashed my head against a brick wall here for 10 months trying to start my own colorectal support group with limited success. the only good thats come out of the lack of support locally is i found my csn family.

simply by us being here, being alive, by caring we help each other. i benefit, craig benefits we all do. we articulate our journey, some in detail, some not but we all vent and share and care. we survive in the most noblest of ways i feel.

hugs,
pete on morphine not dex

Joy1216's picture
Joy1216
Posts: 293
Joined: Mar 2006

My friend and I started a cancer support group at our church last year. She is currently in treatment for Stage 4 colon cancer. There are only about eight regular attendees in our support group, but we are so blessed to have the group members in our lives.
Joy

robinvan's picture
robinvan
Posts: 1014
Joined: May 2007

Hi Craig,
You continue to inspire me with your thoughtful reflections on this journey. I'm home after 10 weeks in the hospital for a sacral resection and rehab. Recurrence #3 and 7 years at stage 4. I'm waiting now for 25 more rounds of radiation and a course of capcitabine (Xeloda). And that will be the end of it for me. We will have this sucker licked!
Thanks for continuing to share your thoughts.
Rob; in Vancouver

Go Canucks Go!

Kenny H.'s picture
Kenny H.
Posts: 503
Joined: Aug 2010

Thanks for sharing.
Great read Craig, keep a positive additude most of all.

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2118
Joined: Oct 2009

Thank you for sharing. Yes, the cancer journey can be a lonely one. I remember sitting in those waiting rooms by myself while George had this that or the other done, 6 times, between Thanksgiving and Christmas, not including chemo treatments and doc visits. Yes, I have a fairly large family but they really don't call much anymore, I guess that is ok, we get kinda tired talking about cancer. George does have a couple business friends that in over two years have never failed to call him weekly with a where are we going for lunch today, he is luckly in that arena. Family, well, its hard to be annoyed with them, their lives keep moving on and it seems like we are stuck in limbo.

Baby steps Craig, it is all gonna be ok.

Hugs - Tina

PS - Be kind to Kim. She hasn't bailed in 7 years and I put my bet on that she is around for the long haul. If you read some of the crap I have read on caregiver sites you would know what a gem she is, she is as tired of cancer as you are, but, she is still there.

daydreamer110761's picture
daydreamer110761
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

stop making me cry. you've always got a friend. i don't post often anymore. i just am a lurking person now. i am daydreamer110761@yahoo anytime.i expect to see you at CP in Chicago this year. i am a few hours away from there, and you and your wife could stay with us. ya know, you just can't.

kathybd
Posts: 126
Joined: Jul 2009

Craig

I have been reading your posts for a long time. Just checking in to see how people are doing. I am so very sorry to hear what you have been through. You have to know from the posts before me that you are a very loved guy. Remember that during those lonely times and reach out. Take it one day at a time and enjoy life, the little things. You are amazingly strong and can beat this. Know that many people care and love you.

My husband recently passed away and being a caregiver is tough. You want so badly to help and take away the pain and the disease. I truely believe your wife feels helpless and surely loves you tons.

Hang in there and I will be waiting for the next "good News" post.

Thank you for sharing such a poignant story and the fight you have almost conquered.

Blessings to you!
Kathy

Aud's picture
Aud
Posts: 480
Joined: Oct 2009

I am in your corner...always. You have been through so much and you are such an amazing, strong man, an inspiration to us all. Holding you in the Light for continued healing, strength, and hope...also holding your marriage in the Light for healing.
~Aud

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

is I LOVE YOU Craig, you are AWESOME, I am so very blessed that I got to actually meet you in person this past year. You are always in my prayers and in my heart, as many here are. I am so very proud of you, you have the strength of a 1000 warriors, my HERO!!!

I will pray a special prayer for you tonight that #4 NEVER happens!!!! Prayers are answered my friend, they are!!

Love you
HUGS
Beth

BettyJoM's picture
BettyJoM
Posts: 86
Joined: May 2011

Read every word. thank you so much for sharing. brought me to tears
Betty Jo

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Well, I just wanted to drop back into this post and acknowledge and thank everyone for their participation in this thread. I really appreciate your replies.

Getting ready to return to work again next week, so it will good to get back into the workflow and as the days continue to pass, I expect to start feeling much better. I'll be glad to take that:)

And thanks to everyone for the PMs, it was nice to hear from you.

This past year seems like "another lifetime" for me - I remember all too well staring out the hospital window and watching life pass by before me and wondering what it would take this time to get back there once more.

I must have looked like some kind of sight walking those hallways - 2 gowns on, cheap clogs, my yellow "fall risk" socks, 2 chest tubes hooked up to those "suitcases" where your blood plasma drains, and an oxygen tank - all in tow.

It is nice to be coming out of all of this...I hope that the results will be good - until then I'll practice "patience" and hope for the best.

Thank you again for your continued support and thanks to all of the new folks I met on this post:)

-Craig

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kristasplace's picture
kristasplace
Posts: 956
Joined: Oct 2007

I come to the board only once in a while, and every time i do, i first scan all the posts looking for one from you. Thank you for keeping us up to date on your status. I think about you, and many others on this board every single day, and try to send positive thoughts your way. You really are one of the toughest people, both of character, and determination that i've ever had the honor to know. It's your enlightenment and awareness of the gifts cancer can bring that will carry you through this. You're an amazing light that cancer cannot squelch, as hard as it may try.

Much love, and many hugs, darlin! I'll be watching for those results.

Krista

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 370
Joined: Apr 2009

Craig: you might remember me...I'm still far off for being able to work, hence no penny here whatsoever. And although, luckily, I do not have to worry on spending money for CT scans, but I know how sucks it is when you know that there's so much you can do since you don't have the money. I will be here always on this board...this board became sort of my family after I lost mine, and...long story. Now I'm back in children's home and probably that is how it will stay until I turn 18, or 21? I don't know when we could leave. LOL Anyway, I'm not saying it's heaven here, but I'm not in a rush to leave either as I would not survive too long out in the middle of nowhere. And you are amazing! You've gone through so much and you fight so hard! I really really value that, and I wish I was half as strong as you are! I only fought once....lost. And ever since my world changed, and I am not willing to fight for anything...I know it's not a good attitude, and yet, I do it. But you are of the opposite! Something that makes me really jealous! Don't give up! We need you here! All the best!
Sophie

mommyof2kds's picture
mommyof2kds
Posts: 522
Joined: Mar 2009

Craig, wish I could give you a big hug. You are an inspiration to all of us, your words are so real and full of feeling. Please know I think of you often. You are always in my prayers. God Bles Petrina

kristasplace's picture
kristasplace
Posts: 956
Joined: Oct 2007

Sophie, I love seeing you post! I think about you a lot, and always use you as an example when my neice and nephew complain about their mother! Someday you'll see what a pillar of strength you were during your roughest time, and you'll realize you own the world. I wish i could adopt you!

Craig, you're just amazing!

relaxoutdoors08
Posts: 520
Joined: May 2011

Craig,
Each day I pray for Courage, Hope and Health. When I was diagnosed with Colon Cancer, had surgery and had a three week wait for a scan for final diagnosis, I had the Catholic Priest give me the Blessing for my Journey. I share with you these powerful Words of Prayer for you as you wait for the RESULTS. You have certainly demonstrated the Courage, and Hope on your Journey so we pray for your Health.

My husband Craig has had a tough time knowing how to provide support and prepare for all possibilities as we go through the Journey. Sometimes we have higher expectations for our spouse that they can "be all at all times for us" = They have a tough time knowing what to say or do to make it better for us.

I must admit that when our best man from our wedding lost his 15 year battle with cancer I remember having our last meaningful conversation when the cancer was back for the 3rd time and I am sorry that I did not go see him as he fought the final few months of his journey. I now understand that I was afraid. Afraid of what to say, because I did not want to make it harder for him but I also was afraid because I wanted to remember him when he was at "his fighting spirit" so I feel bad that I was not there for him. I think the people you think would be there for you might also have the toughest time in knowing what to say and what to do.

I just found this board after I finished my Folfox Treatment but I am appreciating it now. Thanks for your comments and support on the board for all of us.

Paula G.'s picture
Paula G.
Posts: 596
Joined: Apr 2009

I still look in now and then. Craig, you are such a great person. I just had to let you know that I still think about each and every one of you.

It has been hard with John (JR) being gone. He loved reading your posts. My bets are always going to be on you LOL. Paula

pepebcn's picture
pepebcn
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

Paula it's great to see you and hear from you! .
Just a big hug,

braelee2's picture
braelee2
Posts: 130
Joined: Sep 2010

wow, You have been through alot but it shows how strong you are. I will always keep you in my prayer. I cried reading your post. We are all hear for you never fill that you don't have someone to talk to . We are all ready to talk. Love ya

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