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Need some uplifting today

bruins1971's picture
bruins1971
Posts: 227
Joined: Nov 2010

Hey there everyone I was just reading some of the post and of course as always some are good and others not so good. I am having one of those down moments right now as the devil has got a hold of my head. Making me doubt myself and my future and God I hate when I get like this. It's been a while since I felt this way but I know that I will have days like this. I am so nervous yet excited for my CT on Feb 1st with the results on the 4th. If they are good then I will be NED and back to work I go but if they are bad then who knows what is ahead. I am trying to only think positive for I have no control of the results one way or the other. I just kick myself in the *** for not getting checked earlier then maybe I would not be stage 4 but at 38 who thinks they have stage 4 colon cancer? God come to me right now and take away this doubt help me to see the positive in this day. Put peace in my heart to let me know I am not going anywhere soon and that I will be here to raise my 4 children for years to come. The sad part is that my kids are spread out so far in age. My oldest is 19, then 14 and I know they are old enough to remember me. It's my little girl Isabella who is only 4 and my son Bobby who is just 6 months old. How much would they remember me if this cancer was to beat me and take me away from them. Ok, ok there I go again slipping back into the negative thought process. Ok I am gonna get up and go to Sams and clear my head by shopping for some household stuff and then make my family a nice dinner tonight. Thanks for allowing me to vent guys this place is so good for the soul... I hope everyone has a wonderful day and that we are all victorious in our battle with cancer.

God Bless,
Bobby in Dallas

TMac52's picture
TMac52
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2010

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I will pray for inner peace for you today and for gods will to help you.
Tom

Kerry S's picture
Kerry S
Posts: 607
Joined: Dec 2009

I have said it before and I will say it again for all you new folks.

A man that puts one foot too far in the past and the other foot too far in the future, does nothing but Piss all over today. Think about it!!!!!!!

Enjoy today. All sorts of crap can happen tomorrow.

Kerry (the attitude guy)

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

was having a downer day especially more so after reading about confused1 passing away. and as per usual you put everything into prespective, thank you for the kick up the backside.

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3908
Joined: Nov 2010

kerry,

I am also trying to live today well, yesterdays gone and tomorrow I maybe in hell or heavan. None of us have any guarantees. Sometimes my wife says I mainly think of myself and in some senses thats the way it should be.

Enjoying today is where it starts for me and if I allow any of these negative thoughts into my empty head then they effectively stuff today.

The act of thinking about about possibly negative twists and eventualities that confronts us all to some extent is in itself positive as long as we don't dwell on them.

I think its essential to process these thoughts and to share them, even if its with us or the family. Not dealing with these fears is really unhealthy. After dealing with these thoughts I try not to dwell on them at all. That may mean filling my head with nothing meditation, or reading or movies. But I don't let these potentially fatal thoughts to take root in my head.

I find the beauty I see in my wife and kids everyday amazingly energising.

Now that I have learned how damaging these negative thoughts can be I make an serious effort to be optimisic and positive.

Pete (the diving guy)

schnauzerheads's picture
schnauzerheads
Posts: 53
Joined: Jan 2011

ya know, i needed that! thanks

karguy's picture
karguy
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

I'm sorry you are feeling bad.I have bad days too,then I get mad and think about all the things I have yet to do,and decide that no matter what,I will kick cancers butt,no matter what it takes,I will fight to the end,and never give up.Feel free to come and vent anytime.

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3372
Joined: Jan 2010

Down days happen to all of us, but as with most bad stuff, recognizing it is half the battle. Don't let the devil sit on your shoulder and take away a perfectly good day.

You know, your thoughts about what your children would remember about you if you were no longer there really is one that anyone with children should be asking not just those with cancer.

I think it would be great if you spent some of your time writing letters for your kids about your best moments with them and how much you care for them. Then put them in an envelope, put the appropriate name on it, seal it up with the date on the outside. Then put them away. As the stack of envelopes grows, you will be leaving your children a legacy of your love thru the years, no matter if there are 2 left or if there are 50 left.

Hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

We all have bad days. And good days. And days filled with regret. But the one thing to remember is that you take you with you everywhere you go, so be kind to yourself, and don't beat yourself up!

As far as your kids...I have a friend who has done this, who is also stage 4 with small children. She is writing letters to her daughter, to be opened on certain occasions (like her marriage, first child, etc...). She is not giving up hope, just being prepared. Also, her hubby has promised to keep her memory alive to the kids, if anything happens. Just a thought...it seemed to calm her.

BIG dutch hugs, Kathi

TeeHee...while I was writing this, Marie was saying the same...

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3372
Joined: Jan 2010

Yes Kathi, great minds at work! lol

Tell us about your new avitar...what building is that?

Hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

This is from a city named Utrecht, in The Netherlands.

We visited 2 museums that day...one, my fav (I collect music boxes), is the music box museum "MUSEUM SPEELKLOK". It is housed in an old church, complete with the church organ and many beautiful dance organs. The other museum, the train museum "SPOORWEG MUSEUM", is the one in the picture. These are both magnificent museums, and I will visit them often. The train museum even has the private cars (full sized) that used to carry the queen and other royals around in the days of rail travel... The building, itself, is the old railway station...and it is beautiful inside...completely restored!

It was a rainy day, so we were in a bit of a hurry. So, as we turned to walk up to the museum, we heard a plop! plop! sound repeatedly. Here, walking toward us, was a huge swan...acting as if he did this every day (probably does..lol). Their wingspan is about 5 feet, and they are birds with an ATTITUDE! So, we stood still and let him pass. We then watched as he crossed the street, in the crosswalk (no kidding!), stopping to look both ways before entering the street!!!!

We were in awe, and chuckling, at the same time!

Dutch hugs, Kathi

mommyof2kds's picture
mommyof2kds
Posts: 522
Joined: Mar 2009

Hi Bobby, we all have those down negative thoughts at times.. just know you are not alone. We are human and can't be 100% postive all the time... Hang in there, these feelings will pass. I pray for a clean scan for you. God Bless.. Petrina

pepebcn's picture
pepebcn
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

that's why we are here for! I pray for good, excellent, results on your next CT.
Hugs mate!

idlehunters's picture
idlehunters
Posts: 1792
Joined: Apr 2009

Yep...we sure do all have these days......... You will be around for a long long time...and like the old cooy says....... YA...THAT!

Jennie

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

Now is the time to draw on the faith you hold so dear.....Now is the time to draw on the faith that holds you together. Now is the time to draw on the faith that answers all. Now is the time to draw on that faith that allows you to be who you are....Bobby, now is the time to put all trust in your faith, and then let Him have all of your worries........Love to ya buddy, Clift

bruins1971's picture
bruins1971
Posts: 227
Joined: Nov 2010

Well said and most certainly so very true...Thanks

Nana2's picture
Nana2
Posts: 255
Joined: Mar 2010

Praying for you Bobby, That He will give you an overwhelming, indescribable, irresistable sense of His love your you tonight, and that you'll experience that peace that passes understanding to let you know you are being gently held, and you are not alone.

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5065
Joined: Feb 2008

Hey, Bobby.

I'm sorry you have been having such a bad day. It does happen sometimes, doesn't it? The only thing to do is ride it out and know that things will surely look better in the morning.

Even if you do enjoy many more years with them, your children will always appreciate things like lots of pictures taken of all the fun things you do together. Make scrapbooks or photo albums for them. The idea about writing letters to them is great. You could maybe get a friend or your wife to to tape you talking about things you want them to know.

I pray you will be there for all the moments a dad wants to experience with his children. And I pray that you will be able to be there with a smile on your face and love in your heart.

Have a better day tomorrow, my friend.

*hugs*
Gail

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Bobby,

Your thoughts are very normal- don't beat yourself up over thinking normal and real thoughts. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't ponder the "what if...". But, as I'm sure you know, pondering that won't change anything, but still allow yourself the need to vent. I'm glad you posted this today and did vent. I know it's very helpful to me when I need it too. I will be thinking of you and praying for a good outcome on your scan on Feb. 1st. I honestly can't even begin to count or remember how many scans I've had over the past 3-1/2 years of this. My first oncologist scanned me every 6 weeks- which I thought was good back then, but now realize all the radiation exposure I've had & try not to freak myself out thinking about it! My point here, though, is that I most definitely can relate to the feeling of waiting to get the scan done, then waiting and anticipating what the results will be and how my life my change for the better or worse all by what is written on the radiology scan report.
I understand how tough that must be thinking about your two youngest children.
You have a faith in God, know trust that He will take care of your children, should you not make it. But, now let's try to not think that way! Again, it's a normal thought & I probably have thoughts about death enter my head every day, BUT let's go back to praising our Creater who I believe and know that you believe holds our lives in His hands.

Praying for strength and calm for you, Bobby-
P.S. Hope the dinner came out good!

Lisa

luvmum
Posts: 457
Joined: Dec 2010

Hi Bobby,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having one of your down days... Maybe we were born on the same year, I am also feeling down, depressed and worried.

I also cannot imagine my days without my mum. So for your children's sake, keep up the good spirit and I am sure you will do well! I've heard from an onc that one of his patients live happily for more than 5 years after all the doctors have given her up! This old lady was not using any treatment at that time but just listen to what the onc said to her "be happy and live your lifel!

I sincerely hope your scan result will be a good one!!!
Dora

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pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3908
Joined: Nov 2010

Dear Bobby,

Great post. Thanks.

You can only love your wife and kids now, its an act of heart and mind that happens moment by moment.

Don't let worries about tomorrow get in the way of loving today.

If you do then the worries effectively rob you of a great loving day you were entitled too enjoy.

I hope this not does sound to harsh but if we don't live each day as 100% loving then in my books we may as well be dead. We are giving our illness to much power, its got enough already. Don't let the cancer ruin any more days than absolutely unavoidable.

I might sound like am preaching and I maybe. At this point of our lives no point beating around the bush.

Remember faith is a wonderful gift, use it, protect it, cherish it and share it. Miracles happen all the time to all of us.

Just pray, smile and relax and thank god for today. I will with my family tonight.

Love Pete

bruins1971's picture
bruins1971
Posts: 227
Joined: Nov 2010

Amen my brother and well said I certainly give all glory to God for he is the reason that I am still here today, why any of our are here today. I know in my hear that I am protected by the blood of Jesus and that I will be here many years from now. Just once in a while that damn devil gets on my shoulder and tries to mess with my head. That is why I posted on this site for I know that all my brothers and sisters here would get me back to where I needed to be and for this I say thank you to each and everyone of you who took the time yesterday to lift me up.

God Bless you all

schnauzerheads's picture
schnauzerheads
Posts: 53
Joined: Jan 2011

I just replied to your other post (colonoscopy follow up), and had no idea what you've been going through. Stay strong man! I've been doing so much research and have talked to so many doctors, survivors. Live for the moment, you're going to make it. Attitude is a big part of beating this, and it looks that you've got a beautiful and supportive family behind you. I'm so glad I found this board, there are really some amazing people on here. I'm in Austin, you're right up the road... if you get this way, or vice versa, it'd be cool to hook up. Keep rockin'

Kevin

bruins1971's picture
bruins1971
Posts: 227
Joined: Nov 2010

Yes this site is amazing but it is only that way because of the loving people on it. We are all in the same boat and we are all walking this journey together. You will find some really great stories about success here and that only encourages me to fight, fight, fight even more than I already am.....

God Bless,
Bobby in Dallas

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