My mom's birthday is today :(

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allison731
allison731 Member Posts: 21
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My mom passed away a little over a year ago and still to this day the pain is unbearable. I am still suffering from a broken heart and constantly have a heart ache. I feel so empty and lost without her. I have a repetitive blank feeling that seems to never get better on days like today. I was only 14 when she was diagnose, only 16 when she passed, and currently 18 years old. Adulthood was deifnitely fast forwarded for me and even though I am very grateful for the time I had spent with her.. it was just not enough. Every little girl needs their mom, and I only had mine for 16 years. All that is on my mind is how much she will miss not that she is gone, and I can't focus my mind or heart on all that she has already experienced with me. Some days I get so angry with myself for letting her pass, because I was her caregiver and other days I feel guilt for feeling relief. On the days of sadness or tears, I would always turn to my mom. Now that she is not there for her to comfort me, I am lost. Lost forever, until they day we meet again. Today is her birthday and I just wish I could call her and hear her voice. Unfortunately, I know that will not happen. I wish I could get one more hug, one more kiss, one more touch, one more minute with her to tell her how much I love her. Even though everyone tells me how much my mom is enjoying heaven and that she is in no more pain, it's still so hard to believe she is better off away from me. Maybe it's the young age that makes me not understand the beauty of death, but I do understand the ugliness of it. For her, I smile and try to hold back the tears. But, for me I am so sad, I am motherless. Forever, I will miss her and will continue to until I see her again. I wish every night before I go to bed to have dreams with her, but it never seems to happen the way I want. Happy Birthday in Heaven to most wonderful mommy a girl could ask for! Just wishing I could spend today and always with you! xoxo

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  • smb96
    smb96 Member Posts: 4
    #2
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    Keep your chin up!
    Hi Allison,

    I am new to this site, as I am now a caregiver for my mother who was diagnosed with brain cancer last month. First, I want to say happy birthday to your mother. She may not be physically here, but know that you have an everlasting angel who will always be by your side. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.

    My mother is also my best friend, and I can't imagine my life without her so I really do feel for you. She is early in the treatment phase but all we can do is be positive, pray for God's healing, and cherish the time that we do have here, right now! None of us are guaranteed tomorrow!

    Sometimes what really gets me through the tough days, is when I sit back and put myself in my mother's shoes. I think about how strong she is to live each day now knowing she has this disease, to go through the pain and discomfort of chemo and radiation, and to not be able to do the job that she has done for the last 40 years. When I think about how strong my mother is to be going through this and coping quite well, there is no way that I can be weak! I am sure your mom was a strong woman, and you are her child - so trust me, you can find the strength to get through this. You can find it through HER.

    I am finding my strength through my mom, and it is really what gets me through this right now.

    Keep your chin up, be strong, and keep talking about your feelings so that nothing gets bottled inside.

    God bless you.
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #3
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    hugs and kisses
    Lots of hugs and kisses coming to you from the moms who post on this board, Allison.

    And please celebrate your mom's birthday with a friend who knew your mom! That might be a good thing to do this year.
  • skipper85
    skipper85 Member Posts: 229
    #4
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    You Sound Like a Wonderful Daughter

    I'm sure your Mom was/is very proud of you. Do celebrate her birthday and remember all the good times you had with her. Nothing can ever take those memories from you. Your Mom is still with you, looking over you, guiding you. Talk with her. She may not be able to verbally reply to you but she is still listening and still loving you - just in a different way. I know it's hard not to have your Mom by your side to hug and kiss you but someday you will be together again. Until then she is your special guardian angel and she is watching over you and loving you every day.

    (((Hugs))) & Love

    Skipper85
  • lovingwifedeb
    lovingwifedeb Member Posts: 183
    #5
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    Mom's Birthday
    Allison,
    Your mom will live on in your forever, your memories will not die with her. As a mom, if you were my daughter I would want you to find some peace with this. My heart breaks for you as I am sure hers is. She would want you to grab onto whatever life has in store for you with great wonder and joy. Hold on dear one, there will be great love in your life if you heal and are open to it.

    Be good to yourself.

    Deb

    lovingwife to Bob, stage 3c melanoma
  • Luv2lunch
    Luv2lunch Member Posts: 270
    #6
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    Allison,
    I'm so sorry you
    Allison,
    I'm so sorry you are feeling bad. I can only imagine how much you miss your Mom. I lost my Dad almost 10 years ago and still miss him so much. I am currently taking care of my Mom who was diagnosed with rectal cancer in March of this year. She is also my best friend. I try and spend as much time with her as I can.

    You were so young when she was taken from you. I know she is looking down on you and praying for your peace. You know she wouldn't want you feeling this way. She sounds like she was a wonderful Mom and would only want the best for you.

    I can't tell you the pain will go away soon. I still hurt for my Dad, but not as much. Just know your Mom would want you to carry on and live your life to the fullest. She would want you to be strong.

    Holidays were the worst that first year for all of my family. We leaned on each other for comfort and support. It helped to talk about the good times.

    It took me many years to have a dream about my Dad. I always wanted to see him again, even if only in a dream. It happened about a year ago. He was just standing there in a brown suit. He didn't say anything. I just woke up with a peaceful feeling. I felt good.

    Please try and hang in there. I will be praying for you to get through this time.

    Take care,
    Linda

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