My mom's birthday is today :(

My mom passed away a little over a year ago and still to this day the pain is unbearable. I am still suffering from a broken heart and constantly have a heart ache. I feel so empty and lost without her. I have a repetitive blank feeling that seems to never get better on days like today. I was only 14 when she was diagnose, only 16 when she passed, and currently 18 years old. Adulthood was deifnitely fast forwarded for me and even though I am very grateful for the time I had spent with her.. it was just not enough. Every little girl needs their mom, and I only had mine for 16 years. All that is on my mind is how much she will miss not that she is gone, and I can't focus my mind or heart on all that she has already experienced with me. Some days I get so angry with myself for letting her pass, because I was her caregiver and other days I feel guilt for feeling relief. On the days of sadness or tears, I would always turn to my mom. Now that she is not there for her to comfort me, I am lost. Lost forever, until they day we meet again. Today is her birthday and I just wish I could call her and hear her voice. Unfortunately, I know that will not happen. I wish I could get one more hug, one more kiss, one more touch, one more minute with her to tell her how much I love her. Even though everyone tells me how much my mom is enjoying heaven and that she is in no more pain, it's still so hard to believe she is better off away from me. Maybe it's the young age that makes me not understand the beauty of death, but I do understand the ugliness of it. For her, I smile and try to hold back the tears. But, for me I am so sad, I am motherless. Forever, I will miss her and will continue to until I see her again. I wish every night before I go to bed to have dreams with her, but it never seems to happen the way I want. Happy Birthday in Heaven to most wonderful mommy a girl could ask for! Just wishing I could spend today and always with you! xoxo