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JohnSFO update

AceSFO's picture
Posts: 230
Joined: Sep 2009

I know we haven't been active here in a long time, but for the sake of those of you who remember us, I thought I'd give an update.

Things change quickly and John's cancer (just over 3 years now and over 1 year with sacral mets) has continued to spread aggressively and appears to now be blocking one of the ureters causing urine to back up into the kidney. A sign, according to our palliative care doctor, that his death is imminent - probably about a week. We are doing as well as any couple could be under the circumstances and talk about all of what we're facing. We sometimes feel frustrated that there is such a taboo around talking about death in our culture. I went to the mortuary yesterday to sign papers and get things in order and the person I met with was surprised that I had told John where I was going. For us, talking about it makes it all easier to bear.

You guys have all been such a huge comfort to us both through this journey and I wish I could travel around to meet each of you and thank you in person for lightening our burden.

Some of you have our Caring Bridge address and we love the messages we get there. If anyone else wants it, just PM me and I'm happy to send it along. We've been leery of posting the URL publicly here because of some issues with spam and lurkers in the past.

with love and gratitude,

Posts: 453
Joined: Aug 2008

Thank you for the update on John. I had been wondering how you both were doing. You have been an awesome partner and caregiver. I am so sorry to hear that the end may be near. I wish you peace and memories in the time you have left together. Please continue to check in with us as time allows. My heart aches for you....Dawn

CanadaSue's picture
Posts: 340
Joined: Apr 2006


So sorry you and John are having to go thru this.

We have missed you posting here, and thought something was.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both!



KathiM's picture
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Ik hebt geen worden. Mien hart is vol. En Nederland, dar is en plan voor sterven. Het is nooit taboo...sigh...

I have been sending warm hugs to you forever, and, yes, I will PM you for the Caring Bridge address...

I love you both, and wish for John a bit of comfort time, everyday!

BIG hugs, Kathi

immbeloved's picture
Posts: 37
Joined: Oct 2010

the boy scout motto is a good one, no need to cram everything in hurriedly at the last minute. i have been thinning out my closets and drawers. i am going to try on "burial dresses" today, and pick out hymns i want sung at my funeral, may sound morbid but we are all going to die eventually. i know i will be given an advanced directives at the hospital and have decided what i want and don't want so my husband won't have to.

God bless you.


luv3jay's picture
Posts: 534
Joined: May 2009

Any time I mention my death to a friend or family member, they get really upset. Which is strange because I tell them all the time that we all have to die. And just because I talk about it, doesn't mean I plan on taking that trip anytime soon. Heck, they may go long before me. One thing I am thankful for though is a long "good-bye" to my family and friends. Most people never get that. I'm glad that you and John were able to have a long loving *see you later*...


Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

Thanks for posting this. I think of you and John often; I enjoyed the posts from both of you. I am sorry John + you are going through this. Please know you + John are in my thoughts.

Sundanceh's picture
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Hey Adrian

I left you a message on your site...I hate that thing have come to this, but facing it head on with dignity and grace is a wonderful way that you are both handling things.

You once told me many moons ago and I say it to you both now:

"Holding you in the light..."


sfmarie's picture
Posts: 605
Joined: Aug 2009

I am sorry to hear that John is nearing the end. It is so very brave of you both to talk about death. I agree, we have a taboo in our society about death. I think it is especially hard when (in my opinion) it is someone young. You just want to hold on to any ounce of hope and somehow talking about death seems to take some hope away.
I know John is blessed to have you in his life and this cannot be an easy road for you. Take care of yourself and do not hesitate to give me a call if you need anything at all.
Holding you both in my prayers.

geotina's picture
Posts: 2123
Joined: Oct 2009

I left a note on your site yesterday. I'm so sorry that John has suffered so. Adrian your strength, courage, love, affection and care as a caregiver to John is beyond words. You will need that strength in the coming days and weeks and months as you face life without his physical presence. He will always be with you.

Love to you both - Tina

idlehunters's picture
Posts: 1792
Joined: Apr 2009

Thanks so much for the update. Everyone has been wondering whats up. I'm sorry things are not going well for John. Your strength is unreal which just shows me how much love is there. Will keep you both in my prayers. Take care.


Posts: 965
Joined: Nov 2008

Adrian and John,

My heart hurts to hear this news. I always tend to believe that when posters are absent for a period of time that it is good news...that they are doing well and being busy with the important things in life. I was so hoping that would be how it was for you and John.

I am so sorry to hear that John is not doing well right now. I am so glad that you are spending this time together in contemplation of the future and I imagine that you hold each other close in love and affection. I have a firm belief in life after death, and while it may not give you much comfort right now, I am confident that one day you will be together again.

My virtual hugs to you both,

Posts: 827
Joined: Jan 2010

Dear Adrian and John,

I have been wondering how things were going for you. Thank you for updating so that now we know and have the opportunity to express our hearts to you.Please give one another a big hug..one big enough to encompass all of us.

You are so right...things DO change quickly, especially with very aggressive cancer.For what it is worth, I applaud the way you and John are talking realistically and getting things in order now. I just went through this with both parents and I am so thankful that most things had been arranged by them several years ago. We sat down with my Mother and she told us step by step how to have their funerals conducted...even telling us to "tell that Preacher to make it quick, no more than 30 minutes, because she gets restless!"
The hurt, pain, and grief will still be there but you won't have to be trying to think about major decisions while your heart is breaking.

Words are never sufficient but please know that you are in our hearts and we care so much.

Peace and love to you both.


Buzzard's picture
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

may peace be with you...I am so very sorry, and plase let John know as well that you will both be in my prayers for comfort through this.......Love to you both, Clift

HollyID's picture
Posts: 951
Joined: Dec 2009

I've been wondering how you and John were doing. I'm so sorry to read this news, Adrian. Please accept my best thoughts and wishes for both of you. You both mean so much to us here. Love and hugs for you both


Kathryn_in_MN's picture
Posts: 1258
Joined: Sep 2009

I left a note on CB when I got the update. I'm sad that the end is near, but so glad that you've both done it "your way." You have both been an inspiration to me - handling everything with dignity and grace, but not afraid to confront issues frankly.

Hugs for both of you - wishing you comfort and peace in this difficult time.

angelsbaby's picture
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

my prayers are for you both .


Annabelle41415's picture
Posts: 6722
Joined: Feb 2009

Thank you for the update, but not the one that would have liked to hear. So sorry that John is not doing well. Glad that you are able to both talk freely about this as it is a part of this life. Always thought so highly of the both of you. You both have such geuine spirits. Tell Johh he is in my thoughts and prayers and please keep us posted.

Hugs to you both! Kim

AceSFO's picture
Posts: 230
Joined: Sep 2009

Thanks to each of you for these beautiful and moving messages. I'm sitting in bed beside John and just finished reading each of them to him. Our faithful dog is curled at the foot of the bed. It makes us feel so good to receive the support from all of you who really understand what we are going through. I'm full of gratitude.

I'll be in touch as things unfold.

Patteee's picture
Posts: 950
Joined: Jul 2009

we love you guys- and pray for peaceful time ahead for both of you.

PhillieG's picture
Posts: 4912
Joined: May 2005

John is lucky to have you Adrian just as you are lucky to have John.
Cancer can be a very tough journey, having people around you who love you makes a huge difference.

karguy's picture
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

I'm so sorry to hear the bad news.It must be very hard for you both.I will pray for you both.Thank you for the update.We are here if you need anything.

tootsie1's picture
Posts: 5065
Joined: Feb 2008

Oh, Adrian. I'm very sorry about John. You both are facing this with dignity and courage. Please give our love to John.


coolvdub's picture
Posts: 410
Joined: Aug 2009

John and Adrian,

Thanks for all you guys have contributed here. I am saddened to hear things are not looking good for John. I will be praying for joyful loving days for you guys. It is really nice that you are updating us, been wondering how things were going. Please let us know how things are going when you can.


Kathleen808's picture
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Adrian and John,
I will continue to hold both of you in the light in the days to come. I am praying for peace and some special time for you as you say good bye. You have shown many of us how to really live in the midst of this.


Lovekitties's picture
Posts: 3372
Joined: Jan 2010

Dear Adrian and John,

The love and caring you have for each other shows through in all you write. I pray that it will also sustain you as you travel through this most difficult time.

How true that we postpone dealing with issues related to death. Talking about it, doing things related to it, doesn't hasten it. It only allows those left behind to have fewer decisions to make at a difficult time. It also means those decisions don't have to be made alone.

May you each have peace in the time you have together. My faith tells me that you will be together again.

Hugs to you both,

Marie who loves kitties

Aud's picture
Posts: 480
Joined: Oct 2009

Like so many of us, I too have been thinking of you both. I am so sorry you are going through this.
John and Adrian...your Love is greater than this cancer, and that is forever.
Holding both of you in the Light for strength, joy, comfort, and peace.
Love and peace to you,

msccolon's picture
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

We all think of you and John often. We know it's been a very difficult journey for you both, but the way you handle it with grace and optimism has always been inspiring. The way you are able to see the beauty in your days, even through veils of pain is just awesome! I follow your caring bridge site and am encouraged often by the simple beauty in your lives. I pray for peace and comfort in the days ahead, and that John be comfortable. Your love for each other is inspiring to all who know you and a testament to the fact that love transcends all.

lisa42's picture
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Adrian,

Just yesterday I was thinking of posting the question asking if anyone had heard from you and John and was going to actually do so today, so I was glad to see your post. Very sorry about the situation at hand, though, and how John's body is shutting down.
How long has it actually been since John's diagnosis?
I would be like you- would be discussing things openly with my husband and family that near the end. I'm surprised that the mortician was surprised- I guess that must mean most people don't discuss things such as death openly.

I'm sorry you're having to go through all this- do take care and please do keep in touch.


pepebcn's picture
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

You will be in my prayer of today.
Keep straight,Hugs from Barcelona .

Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

I so hate to hear this news, thank you for letting us know, You two are on my mind alot and I continue to pray for you both. I would like your caring bridge address, if you dont mind, I will send you a PM.

Please tell John I said hello and send my love..


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chicoturner's picture
Posts: 285
Joined: Apr 2009

Adrian, both you and John are in my prayers tonite. I hope you have those around you that will be able to support you at this time. As painful as it must be to discuss it, it is definitly the elephant in the room, so how wise you are to address it. My best to you both. Jean

herdizziness's picture
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

I'm so sorry that the end is near, and yet grateful that the suffering will end.
I'm so glad that he has your love to hold him as he nears those heavenly gates.
You both are in my prayers and thoughts.
Winter Marie

Posts: 272
Joined: Aug 2010

Our prayers are going out to you both.
God bless.
Linda and Ellie

Lori-S's picture
Posts: 1286
Joined: Sep 2010

Though I am new and haven't had the opportunity to "meet" the 2 of you, I want to let you know that I have read your posts and that I am sending out prayers to you both that you may find all the love, strength, comfort and peace you need at this time.

lesvanb's picture
Posts: 911
Joined: May 2008

that I'm holding you in the light tonight.

Love, Leslie

Posts: 168
Joined: Oct 2009

You've both handled an incredibly difficult situation with grace and dignity. I am filled with respect and admiration for the two of you. You're both in my heart tonight and I'm holding you in the light. Love to you,

snommintj's picture
Posts: 602
Joined: Mar 2009

May your passing be peaceful and painless. Rest comfortably knowing that you will be missed and that you have inspired many. I admire your honesty and courage. Had we been neighbors I know we would have been good friends even though you would have envied my garden. Go easy friend.

Adrian, may you find the strength and courage to endure John's passing.

WhatsA_Mom2Do's picture
Posts: 46
Joined: Sep 2010

Dear Adrian and John,

My heart breaks for you two as I sit here and type this note in response to Adrian's post. I sit here wondering why this cancer is so damned stubborn, why can't it be a "one and done"....diagnosis, treatment...CURE, why bad things happen to good people. Of course, I have no answers and that hurts all the more.

I pray for peace for the both of you. I pray that you have both lived, loved, laughed and pressed on in spite of the challenges that cancer bring.

John and Adrian, how brave you both are to face impending death so fearlessly and lovingly. I admire your courage. I'm sending heartfelt hugs your way on this day.

Keep your heart up!


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