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Will I still be here?

Posts: 175
Joined: Nov 2009

Today is my oldest son's 32nd birthday. In April of next year he is finally going to mary the beautiful young woman he has dated since meeting her while in college. Then yestersday my 24 year old daughter announced that she is engaged.She and her fiance plan a wedding for next September. I am so happy that my two oldest have found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with. But, I worry , will I still be here. I'm have stage IV colon cancer and am considered inoperable.I'm doing well on chemo but you just never know. I am so afraid that I will miss the biggest day in two of my childrens lives and it makes me sad.

HeartofSoul's picture
Posts: 732
Joined: Dec 2009

Deb, your spirit, determination, and heart will assure you of being there for both your son and daughter next year at their weddings. You have a excellent doctor and medical team to guide you thur the treatments, a close and supportive family to love you, and many members and supporters here in CSN to encourage you along the way.

A little over a year from now, you will talking about both your son and daughter's beautiful wedding's right here at CSN and were all looking forward to seeing the pictures.
I know the brightest smile in the wedding will be yours.

Heart of Soul

zinniemay's picture
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Hope is all we have even at the end of the day. It is what drives us. I have hope for you that you will be there and long after . I know that fear, My husband and I have two adult Children who have yet to met the right ones for them. Now my husband has t4n1mo Cancer of the throat Mets to both lungs. We think we may never see our children happy and having children. But there is one thing we have to hold on to that is hope.
I know it is not much comfort to you . I wish I could say the right words .

Pam M's picture
Pam M
Posts: 2196
Joined: Nov 2009

You have to. They need you. I agree with Steve - you've got a lot going for you in this fight. It's only natural to wonder about your ability to be here a year from now - from time to time, that fear that whispers in your ear is loud enough so that you can't ignore it. I hear it sometimes, too. I think it's good idea for us to have milestones to look forward to - my son will graduate in a year or year and a half - after that, I'll need another goal. Are your kids planning on kids? Next milestones, maybe?

herdizziness's picture
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

You will be there, stage IV, inoperable, good with chemo. Heck that's me.
Sure you and I have our moments, we won't be here, we'll miss out on life's highlights. And guess what, those moments pass.
You will remain strong, and you will be there. The chemo will keep you going, heck my onc, said even if I don't get surgery, he sees me living many years on low maintenance chemo, so at the worst, a few years, which puts you way past next year, my dear.
Our wills are a wonderful thing, they let us endure chemo, so we can be there for our loved ones.
If you only have faith in one person that you will be there, then that is good enough, you only need to have faith in yourself, I personally have faith in you. And I'm pretty sure many others do as well.
Weep not for what has not been foretold, dream about what is at this moment and what will be.

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

I too am stage IV, inoperable, good with chemo. Like you, both of my grown up children are setting off on their lives with their partners. My son & his girlfriend are trying for a baby and in my desperate times I think "I really hope I will be around to meet my first grand child" Someone said something to me the other day which really helped me. "If you always think the worse will happen, then it will because you will be waiting for it. But if you think that there will be positives you will look for them and they will happen" I know everyone talks about being positive but I really think it works.

May us all stay around to see our children grow up and even our grandchildren.

Tina xxx

Barbara53's picture
Posts: 658
Joined: Aug 2009

Tina, it's so good to see you here (know you from the OC forum). This is such an open forum, and being a war veteran you have so much to share! Besides, when I read your posts I always imagine them in a lovely English accent.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hey Damama Deb!
That is wonderful news! Are you kidding? You are going to be so busy putting together two weddings, you will not have any time to sit and think and wonder about your colon cancer! You are doing well with the chemo, leave it at that. Celebrate that fact! Live for each day. Live for your children. Be positive and tell this cancer you do not have time for its crap! Now get your mind busy on planning those weddings girlfriend! Keep in touch and I hope to see you on chat!
Tina (also) :)

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

Stage !V, and still here! Don't worry, take it a day at a time, and before you know it, the day will be here! Blessings!

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I am not a cancer survivor but a surviving caregiver. I lost my husband to colon cancer after a six year battle. That was so much longer than we expected. We were really blessed with those years. One thing he did was set little goals for himself. He wanted to see our sons promoted in their jobs. He wanted to see the fourth grandchild born, etc. Those two things happened, by the way. One thing he didn't do is worry about making those goals. He set them, then lived his life as if he might not be here tomorrow. We tried to make each day special. We went on several trips, ate out a lot, and spent a lot of time with family and friends. There were a couple of bucket list things he didn't get to finish, family things where he was remembered and missed, a few things I was able to complete for him. I hesitated posting this because I can only hope I understand a little what you are feeling. I haven't walked in your shoes. I have only walked beside him. I can tell you that even though my husband is gone, he is still with us in many ways. He is still very much a part of our family. He is never forgotten. We all talk about him, remember him and love him. His goal when he received his stage 4 dx was to buy as much time as possible and make memories with his friends and family. His matra was PPMM ( power of prayer and modern medicine). He lived longer than we expected, but less than we would have liked. It is never long enough. I won't give you false hope that you will be there physically for your children's weddings because I don't know. We just continued to make plans as if my husband would be there, and as I said he is still very much there in our hearts and minds. In the meantime, don't waste time worrying about things you sadly have no control over. Take time now to enjoy the company of your family. They will always remember that. Reach out to you future in-laws. Share family stories now. Hug those you love and tell them so often. Live today and let tomorrow take care of itself. I know all of this is hard. My husband and I often cried together, but we laughed,a lot too. It is the laughing I remember most. Take care of yourself. Also remember that miracles happen every day. My husband wore a bracelet that said hope until the day he died. He never lost hope and neither should you. Fay

bluerose's picture
Posts: 1102
Joined: Jul 2009

Like Heart just said your determination and spirit will take you to both of those weddings. You are truly blessed to have a loving family and I know you will get there. Keep posting as you have been on this board and those here who know you and care for you and many newbies too will keep you on the road to those weddings in their words and understanding.

Keeping you in my prayers Deb. Hugs, Bluerose

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