Am I being petty?
So, I think I will tell him how disappointed I am in his decision and suggest he re-think that. In addition, this past fall, his stepmother passed way suddently of pancreatic cancer and we had to relocate his ailing father to our lake house. My husband had a very difficult time with the transition due to issues between him and his father and I ended being the go between.
I am struggling with how to deal with this issue. I dislike the thought of moving out while he is attending the graduation yet I think this would send a clear message. I'm clearly conflicted at this point and would appreciate input. Am I being selfish?
Comments
-
Hi
Hi,
Congrats on being NED 2.5 years! What a wonderful blessings for you and for all of those who love you. You and your husband have been through so much and the outcome has been good, you're not fighting this nasty disease and you can enjoy your good health.
I usually don't give advice but since you asked, I would never recommend moving out over something like this. You can both find a way to make this work. If you are committed to a positive outcome for both you, you will come to a positive solution. If you're husband cannot attend Relay for Life, what else could he do to show you his love and that he is grateful that you have your health? You come up with something that will work for you, a special dinner, a donation to Relay for Life, a commitment to go next year? You come up with it and then say, "Honey, I hear that you are saying that you want to go to your BIL graduation and that it is important to you. I can support that if you would _________ in place of Relay for Life. I would feel really good about you going if you could do this for me." We call this a win, win... when both of us are happy with the outcome and we both win.
Best to you.
Aloha,
Kathleen0 -
MorningKathleen808 said:Hi
Hi,
Congrats on being NED 2.5 years! What a wonderful blessings for you and for all of those who love you. You and your husband have been through so much and the outcome has been good, you're not fighting this nasty disease and you can enjoy your good health.
I usually don't give advice but since you asked, I would never recommend moving out over something like this. You can both find a way to make this work. If you are committed to a positive outcome for both you, you will come to a positive solution. If you're husband cannot attend Relay for Life, what else could he do to show you his love and that he is grateful that you have your health? You come up with something that will work for you, a special dinner, a donation to Relay for Life, a commitment to go next year? You come up with it and then say, "Honey, I hear that you are saying that you want to go to your BIL graduation and that it is important to you. I can support that if you would _________ in place of Relay for Life. I would feel really good about you going if you could do this for me." We call this a win, win... when both of us are happy with the outcome and we both win.
Best to you.
Aloha,
Kathleen
I fully understand how you are feeling. I was kind of faced with a similar situation a while back and at first thought on the same lines you are thinking. Then it hit me. Maybe my husband wanted to take a cancer break. Maybe for ONCE..... he didn't want to spend time "rethinking" everything. My husband too had committed to an event...and I thought...why didn't he just say up front...."no honey...I would rather bow out of this one". He didn't want to disappointment me and could not find an OUT at that time. As you said...your husband HAS shown his commitment to you.... over and over again. Like my husband.... he has been my rock. I just could not be angry...or disappointed that he changed his mind over the event. I ended up saying that was fine and made him feel GOOD about his decision. After EVERYTHING I had put him thru..... he DID need a break. He just didn't WANT to participate. You are not being selfish. WE want to share every step of this thing with them. I just think THEY need a break sometimes too....just like us. I know my man had a VERY difficult time trying to get me to see he didn't want to ALWAYS be involved without hurting me. I am such a baby. I have temper fits.... yeah..I do. The first thing I thought too was... "Fine...screw you then".... but then.... who am I screwing...really. Just my opinion..... you gotta do whatever feels right to you. I agree with Kathleen tho....... leaving is definately not a good thing. Finding a solution to make you BOTH happy is.... Good luck and let us know what you decide.
Jennie0 -
Jennie - I like your replyidlehunters said:Morning
I fully understand how you are feeling. I was kind of faced with a similar situation a while back and at first thought on the same lines you are thinking. Then it hit me. Maybe my husband wanted to take a cancer break. Maybe for ONCE..... he didn't want to spend time "rethinking" everything. My husband too had committed to an event...and I thought...why didn't he just say up front...."no honey...I would rather bow out of this one". He didn't want to disappointment me and could not find an OUT at that time. As you said...your husband HAS shown his commitment to you.... over and over again. Like my husband.... he has been my rock. I just could not be angry...or disappointed that he changed his mind over the event. I ended up saying that was fine and made him feel GOOD about his decision. After EVERYTHING I had put him thru..... he DID need a break. He just didn't WANT to participate. You are not being selfish. WE want to share every step of this thing with them. I just think THEY need a break sometimes too....just like us. I know my man had a VERY difficult time trying to get me to see he didn't want to ALWAYS be involved without hurting me. I am such a baby. I have temper fits.... yeah..I do. The first thing I thought too was... "Fine...screw you then".... but then.... who am I screwing...really. Just my opinion..... you gotta do whatever feels right to you. I agree with Kathleen tho....... leaving is definately not a good thing. Finding a solution to make you BOTH happy is.... Good luck and let us know what you decide.
Jennie
Husbands need a break from cancer as well. Mine can't understand why I spend so much time on this site - he needs to step aside from it all. He's been there every minute that I've really needed him. I've learned that if I can, I try to leave him out of my cancer stuff (the non-medical portion.)
As it is, he's scheduled himself to perform at the patient lounge at Memorial Sloan Kettering, which is on the same floor where we (I) spent the most miserable month of my life. He's a little scared to go back to the 15th floor, as am I, but he wants to give back to the cancer community.
Don't make this a make-or-break for your marriage. Let your husband know you are disappointed, but try to understand his needs as well. It's important for him to be there for his brother as well.
A good marriage is worth compromising, working together. I speak from 30 years in.0 -
Wow
I think your brother in law's graduation is a huge event that is a once in a lifetime happening and Relay for Life is yearly plus there are other cancer survivor events throughout the year. You're going to be a survivor and NED for another 50 years. Hubby can go with you another time.0 -
Movin' on out...?
Re:
"A good marriage is worth compromising, working together. I speak from 30 years "
I'm a survivor of 47 years! (Marriage, that is)
Likewise, compromise is all it takes to survive that battle.
I've been "the caregiver" more than I'd ever been on the "receiving end",
so maybe it helps to know what the "caregiver" has to go through.
Take a deep breath, and re-access matters.
Personally, I don't believe doing marathons to support
a multi-billion dollar industry is more important than a living
being's personal accomplishment. The "bil" and the spouse
should be ahead of an industry that doesn't give a rat's ****
about personal matters; We only get one shot at life.0 -
Oh, I like everyone's responses.
The remind me that my husband also needs a break from time to time. He does that with Carolina sports no matter what is going on. We watched the Carolina vs Mississippi football game this year in my hospital room three days after HIPEC. Good thing we won! And he never misses attending a football game or baseball game. That is his out; his escape and he needs it.
My husband was promoted to Lt. Col. two years ago. I promise you it is a HUGE thing. Not very many get that far and it is a hard won promotion from self-sacrifice to our nation.
I wish I had someone here locally that was going through the same thing that I could do things with or just talk face to face because ONLY they will really understand how I feel at certain times. People do get tired of dwelling in cancer. That is one of the great things about boards like these.
Take heart, i will be ok.
Catherine0 -
I'm working on catching up with you, John!John23 said:Movin' on out...?
Re:
"A good marriage is worth compromising, working together. I speak from 30 years "
I'm a survivor of 47 years! (Marriage, that is)
Likewise, compromise is all it takes to survive that battle.
I've been "the caregiver" more than I'd ever been on the "receiving end",
so maybe it helps to know what the "caregiver" has to go through.
Take a deep breath, and re-access matters.
Personally, I don't believe doing marathons to support
a multi-billion dollar industry is more important than a living
being's personal accomplishment. The "bil" and the spouse
should be ahead of an industry that doesn't give a rat's ****
about personal matters; We only get one shot at life.
Congratulations on your marriage! It is a wonderful treasure.
(And I also agree with your comment regarding supporting a living person's personal accomplishment.)
Alice0 -
Break
Oh give the guy a break. From what I understand, his BIL's thing is a big deal. What Jennie said is spot on. I am a caregiver and yes, sometimes we need a break and that break has nothing to do with love. Of course I am now of the mindset that this is a chronic disease and we just don't live it 24/7.
I have to wonder though, why you would move out over something like this. Sure you are disappointed but to move out, I would really think that one over.
Since we are talking about marriage, on June 19th it will be 40 years for us.
Take care - Tina0 -
Right behind you Tina!geotina said:Break
Oh give the guy a break. From what I understand, his BIL's thing is a big deal. What Jennie said is spot on. I am a caregiver and yes, sometimes we need a break and that break has nothing to do with love. Of course I am now of the mindset that this is a chronic disease and we just don't live it 24/7.
I have to wonder though, why you would move out over something like this. Sure you are disappointed but to move out, I would really think that one over.
Since we are talking about marriage, on June 19th it will be 40 years for us.
Take care - Tina
Our 40th is Oct. 10th.0 -
I cannot thank my husband enough.dianetavegia said:Right behind you Tina!
Our 40th is Oct. 10th.
I cannot thank my husband enough. My husband was there for me through surgeries, bad chemo days, and side effects. I know that my husband and I do not agree on everything so I ask myself anytime I feel hurt or angry "In the big picture of things, how important is this?" We are only here on earth for a short period of time. Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? I put a smile on my face and act with grace in compromise. I remember how wonderful my husband was to be there for me. I ask myself who would take care of me again if needed. Then I know the answer to give and what exactly to say with a loving smile.0 -
Moving Outlizzydavis said:I cannot thank my husband enough.
I cannot thank my husband enough. My husband was there for me through surgeries, bad chemo days, and side effects. I know that my husband and I do not agree on everything so I ask myself anytime I feel hurt or angry "In the big picture of things, how important is this?" We are only here on earth for a short period of time. Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? I put a smile on my face and act with grace in compromise. I remember how wonderful my husband was to be there for me. I ask myself who would take care of me again if needed. Then I know the answer to give and what exactly to say with a loving smile.
Give me a break; Moving out over such a petty thing, upon returning you may find the locks changed. Get a life and grow up! As others have said " a good caregiver is appreciated "0 -
Our’s is also June 19thgeotina said:Break
Oh give the guy a break. From what I understand, his BIL's thing is a big deal. What Jennie said is spot on. I am a caregiver and yes, sometimes we need a break and that break has nothing to do with love. Of course I am now of the mindset that this is a chronic disease and we just don't live it 24/7.
I have to wonder though, why you would move out over something like this. Sure you are disappointed but to move out, I would really think that one over.
Since we are talking about marriage, on June 19th it will be 40 years for us.
Take care - Tina
Our’s is also June 19th. It will be our 45th
I think Jennie has it nailed.0 -
Breathe
There is good advice on here (esp.Kathleen & Jennie). I agree your hubby may need a break and being a Vet. this is a huge deal for the BIL and thus his family. As others have stated this only happens once unfortunately cancer is always around. I really like the idea of finding another way for him to 'make it right' with you. It is a win win. Slow down, take a breath and realize your husband has been through hell to with this.
congrats on the NED. Many more years ahead for you and he.
greybeard0 -
lets trun this aroundsteve g said:Moving Out
Give me a break; Moving out over such a petty thing, upon returning you may find the locks changed. Get a life and grow up! As others have said " a good caregiver is appreciated "
why don't you take a break from it all and tell your husband that you can go to a relay for life next year but this year I think I would like to go with you to the event and we can make it a mini vacation and we both can forget about cancer and just spend time with the family and each other. Some times we forget to do that we are ill and our care givers are worried that if they don't give us time and space we may get sicker. You are NED move on to a NED life and live it like it was your last day on earth because you won the big prize LIFE. If you have a good relation ship don't let the little things grow into a big deal just be thankful that you are healed and you had a man that stayed with you there are some out there that weren't so lucky. I hope you make the right choice. Congrats on being NED0 -
In my humble opinion I think
In my humble opinion I think the issue here is more than your husband not walking in the Relay for Life. My wife has been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer for two and a half years. I have been to every doctor’s appointment, walked in each Relay for Life, brought her food at midnight, and massaged her aching back and legs at 4 AM. I’ve taken FMLA and vacation days, picked up Rx at midnight. While I’m certainly no Mother Theresa, I have worked hard to support my spouse during her illness. One of my tools for dealing with stress is to run in organized races, 5k runs that kind of thing. I admit that when I run alone and she is not at the race to greet me it hurts a little. Granted there are times she is too sick to attend, but other times she simply doesn’t want to go when she could and that hurts a little. I guess what I am saying is that I’d rather be happy than right, (A growing process for me) and it does work both ways to an extent.0 -
Pettiness
Hi, for my 2 cents worth, I agree with Lharper2. Go together and enjoy yourselves. There will be other Relays. It is good to take a break from cancer.0 -
almost the same situation
almost the same situation with me. Not my spouse but my mother, sister and 2 nephews, ditched me on a cancer walk 3 days prior. Something else came up that they found "more important". I went, by myself, and even though it felt good, it was difficult with all these other groups around me and me with no one. The visual was difficult for me- here all these people had others walking with them in this cancer journey and I had none. But I kept my chin up and did what I was there for.
It took a long time before I was back in touch with my family- 6 months before I talked to my sister again. She never even once said she was sorry. I am ok with it now, but boy for a very long time I wasn't.
I am sorry for you. I do know the hurt you are in. My best advice is to let it go- let your husband do what he needs to do. Go on the walk with another, or go alone. Keep your chin up! It is okay to be hurt by this- let him know you are. But let him do what he needs to do and make it up to you in another way. You are a better person for taking the high road.0 -
My Husband has the same viewPatteee said:almost the same situation
almost the same situation with me. Not my spouse but my mother, sister and 2 nephews, ditched me on a cancer walk 3 days prior. Something else came up that they found "more important". I went, by myself, and even though it felt good, it was difficult with all these other groups around me and me with no one. The visual was difficult for me- here all these people had others walking with them in this cancer journey and I had none. But I kept my chin up and did what I was there for.
It took a long time before I was back in touch with my family- 6 months before I talked to my sister again. She never even once said she was sorry. I am ok with it now, but boy for a very long time I wasn't.
I am sorry for you. I do know the hurt you are in. My best advice is to let it go- let your husband do what he needs to do. Go on the walk with another, or go alone. Keep your chin up! It is okay to be hurt by this- let him know you are. But let him do what he needs to do and make it up to you in another way. You are a better person for taking the high road.
My Husband has the same view as John. He was asked to walk and doesn't want to. I see it as more of a personal accomplishment and feel he should walk, but he sees it as supporting a 'business' and doesn't view it as personal at all. He would rather support the people in the community.
I still understand your point; you want him to be there for you. Remember he has been. Don't throw in the towel over this.0
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