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I filed for divorce

Pancakesplease
Posts: 2
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi all,

Like the headline says, I filed for divorce a few weeks ago. I am the main caregiver to my 29 year old husband. A week after we were married Mark had a seizure in Sept 08 and a MRI revealed a brain tumor. It turned out to be a grade 3 oligoastrocytoma. You all know the feeling and emotions that come with a cancer diagnosis so I wont get into details.
At first, my husband was very positive about his situation,as positive as one could be. He recovered well from his surgery and rad treatments and was anxious to move forward with his chemo treatments and our life together.
Things of course never turn out the way you think they will. His doctor said it would be a good idea for him to start working again, since he was healed from surgery and finished with rads,and was staying at home all day. He was taking oral chemo at nights and explained he was to tired to start working so soon. I was fine with that.
I worked and took care of EVERYTHING like caregivers are expected too. He played online games 10 plus hours a day, became withdrawn and very surly. He wasn't coping well with the diagnosis (who would) and I knew he needed help. I asked him about seeing a therapist and maybe starting an anti-depressant he was not into that....well after rages and meltdowns of "why me" that went on for months he saw a therapist at our hospital, he went once and never went again.
I myself was going crazy with fear and grief and was seeing a therapist on my own and was starting to feel like purgatory, like I was stuck with this "person" who I didn't even know anymore and at time totally hated.

A year had pasted and Mark still said he couldn't return to work, even part time....and has been on SSDI a few months after his diagnosis. I love that he go the SSDI, but I was hating the fact that life hadn't changed since his diagnosis, it's like we were in a standstill. He had changed so much, that I didn't even like being around him, he would play his "brain tumor card" for EVERYTHING. If he got mad,sad,upset....if I voiced concerns over finances or his lack of being apart of our marriage,he would say I don't understand, since I don't have cancer.

I know this is long and drawn out so sorry.....

We began fighting a lot, I was trying to wean myself of off klonopins and Ambien. I started to nag more once I was out of the k-pin fog. We got into a pretty bad fight over him playing games too much and my constant nagging. He decided to stop taking his Keppra a drug that controls seizures, since he hadn't had one in a year. Well, I nagged him not to stop cold turkey, and said he would have a seizure, he ignored me....well guess what, he had a seizure, I had to call 911. So no driving for another 6 mons....I was LIVID. He set us back 6 months.... anyway, we got into a big fight about it, and he called my mom and told her to pick me and my stuff up. So I left for a month.Since he couldn't drive, I took him to his doctor appts. So,a month later I moved back in, we decided to work things out, he promised he wouldn't force me out of the apt again.
well, a month later he feel asleep without taking his Keppra, when I woke him up he cussed me out told me to F-off and that I was a betch for waking him up.
Well, we fought the next day,and he told me to leave the apt again. I told him I wasn't coming back this time, and that I would file for divorce, he said "fine"...that was in January, so for the last few months I was still taking him to his doctor appts etc.
There is a lot more too it of course, and I wasn't the best wife I could have been. I am sad angry that it seems he threw away our marriage,even though he is off of treatment and his tumor hasn't grown in a year and a half. He wasn't able to get back into life. Maybe there was more I could have done, but I nagged him to death.

When do cancer patients become husbands again? When does a wife/caregiver get to feel loved again? Are we always supposed to just take the crap since they have cancer? Is my life going to be miserable since my husbands is? I have already told him to suck it up. Even his doctors have told him he is giving his tumor too much power over his life
And yes I know I could "never" understand what he feels...but I am at the point where I don't care anymore.I am DONE with being a martyr. He has said I can't leave him since he can't leave his cancer...that it's not fair I get to "escape" and be "happy"
I love this man more than anything. He was my first everything. I am heartbroken and sick about it all, the thought of being without him steals my breath....it's just such a mess, of both of our doing.....please don't say its the "cancers" fault..I refuse to get the ******* that much power....
K

mysarial
Posts: 14
Joined: Dec 2009

It's not the cancer, it's him. The cancer was just the trigger. It sounds like it threw him into depression and he won't seek help for it. Other people have cancer and cope differently.

Now, God knows I'm not a therapist or a doctor; I can only tell you what I know of my experience. My husband who is 36, not MUCH older than yours, was given a year to live when he was diagnosed with Meso. Of course he went through all the emotions we all expect with news like this, and he had his very very low points, but he wants to live, and it's obvious.

I pray that your husband will make the same decision for himself. I don't know that there is anything to be done, other than to try and encourage him. If you are feeling so strongly that you need to be away from him, then it's probably best for the both of you for you to do so. Try and find someone else to take him to his doctor appointments, and his other day to day things. Even if just for a few weeks. See if anything changes when you both have real time apart to let your emotions calm down.

david54
Posts: 167
Joined: Apr 2009

I am not a doctor or therapist. It could be that the oligoastrocytoma triggered and exaggerated behavior patterns that were underlying in the first place. That being said, it is no excuse for you to be treated with disrespect, boundaries, no matter what the diagnosis, are still your right and his responsibility to recognize them. (I’m not picking on your husband; I’m just trying to be honest). You shared you were only married a week before he had his seizure, the first year of any relationship is a period of transition, to have both of you encounter a diagnosis like that must have made it very difficult for both of you…damn hard to be honest! I think a time out, for lack of a better word might be good for you, you deserve it. And you deserve respect, patience, and kudos for being supportive to a new spouse during a hellish time. No matter what you decide, I suggest you keep seeing a therapist to help you walk through this journey. No matter how one looks at it, a spouse with cancer and being a caregiver tests the boundaries of human endurance for everyone. You have my highest regard.

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

Wow this is so sad. Doesn't your husband realize that he is biting the hand that feeds him so to speak. The one person who has his back, is there for everything is you. He's pushing you away, by hurting you he is hurting himself. It's sad that not only has he pushed you away, but has given up on himself.
Wishing the two of you the best.

SamsWife
Posts: 50
Joined: Sep 2007

Hi K ~

Wow! I don't even know where to begin! I posted in January about my husband who passed away on March 1, 2010. I was very frustrated because my husband has always been difficult to live with! I won't go into too much detail about that - you can read my January post if you like. But, we've been married for 22 years and we have four children - not good marital years - great parental years for me however! He never, never, never plugged in to our family and I was ready for a divorce when he was diagnosed. The kids were old enough for me to go to work and I thought they could handle his craziness ok on their own with him with my help and support ~ again, like you, I'm not trying to be a martyr with anything ~ this is just all fact!

I think you should trust your gut! I know what my gut always said and since my husband's passing ~ I now know my gut was always right! I've found out so much about him after going through the financial stuff and other "stuff" I found! I found discusting letters from other women - he had multiple affairs - he was slimier than I ever imagined! He would never shop for us - he never helped me shop for Christmas for the kids - I tried to get him to buy some kind of momento for the kids to remember him by - a piece of jewelry for the girls - something for our son - he always said he was "too sick" (yes - he totally used his cancer diagnosis to get out of everything he should've been doing - but, hey, he didn't do anything before the cancer diagnosis!). Anyway, a letter I found from a woman that he was having an affair with from July of 2009 up until his death stated that she was overwhelmed with the necklace he got for her - it was a diamond solitaire from The Diamond Cellar - he managed to shop for that ***** but he wouldn't even make the effort to get something for his kids! He also managed to shop for flowers and candy and she even stated that he drove all over town to find her the perfect piece of cheesecake! There was a weekend in the fall when my daughter wanted him to go get a milkshake with her and he wouldn't even go do that with her! The affair was sexual up until his last surgery and after that it was phone calls and texts. I was so, so angry! I was busting my *** to take care of him and put all of the whole bad marriage (because he was a selfish ***!) behind us and just be as good a caregiver as I could be and that prick was completely maniulating me, our kids, his mother and all of our wonderful friends who did so much for us through that whole thing! The energy he had to carry out this relationship with that ***** is astounding! When my daughter came home from college to visit with him, he wouldn't even get off the couch to talk with her - she went back to school several times feeling as if there really was no point in coming home to see him! They were both married! I don't care how had your marriage is, you're still married! He told me his buddies from college and high school were planning poker game getaways for him - that's how he carried out the affair - I was actually happy that he was going to these so called "poker games" because I thought he had finally started to value some of his friendships! He would totally play the lying game - before the "poker" weekends he would say to me that he didn't think he would go because he was so tired and didn't know if he could make it - I would always encouraged him to go and say oh it's so good for you, I'm happy you're going - I think you should go and he was going two hours out of town to carry on this affair! I was blown away because I thought that, if there was ever a time to actually turn to your family, it would be when you're dying - we were totally here for him and he never appreciated it! He just used and used and used - and, quite frankly, I'm glad he's gone! We are much healthier without him. My youngest daughter saw his eHarmony.com account he's had for a year (yeah, found that too!) and she went off! She totally vented about how he was never a father and she didn't even know who he was and how our family seems to be a lot happier without him and how he always used his cancer to get out of things, etc. etc. Wow! Out of the mouths of babes! She's only 14! Much more perceptive than I realized!

My husband also played video games ALL THE TIME! That was one of the really hard things to deal with in our marriage ~ so, I definitely feel your pain there.

Anyway, sorry for going on and on about my experience, but, what I really want to say to you is: trust your gut. I've found that I was spot on every single time and then some! I don't know you and your husband, but wow, some things sound very similar to my situation.

Good luck to you and, hey in my opinion, he can either jump on board with the good woman he seems to have or go this journey alone! There is a point in time where people have to be an active part of the good things others are tying to do for them. You shouldn't have to live a miserable existence when he won't jump on board and be a part of the good things you're trying to do!

Good luck,
Tina

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2118
Joined: Oct 2009

I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. Cancer or no cancer, you should not have been treated that way. If my husband ever said to leave, well, I wouldn't let the door hit my *** on the way out. As far as driving him around, appointments, etc. just would not happen. That being said ------

My hubby has Stage IV Colon Cancer, Metastasis to the liver and lungs (knocks wood, doing very well) and the other day said he didn't know what he would do without me, didn't think he could face this without my help, never fails to say I love you, you are the best. In fact, in going over all the co-pays with cancer I told him to just take the money out of my IRA so we don't have to look at these co-pays every month and he said no, you may need that money in the future, the hospital doesn't charge interest and he set up a payment plan. Took my breath away.

Yes George does have his days when he is a little snappy, short in his replys to me, most of it due to the chemo drugs and steroid, and I just ask him if that is George talking or the alien Mr. Chemo. We end up laughing and I just let it roll off my back.

I know I am very lucky.

Take care - Tina

PS to Samswife - Enjoy your life now, you so deserve it. Your husband was an a**hole but in the end, taking care of him, well, it was probably something you would have done anyway, just not under the same roof.

SamsWife
Posts: 50
Joined: Sep 2007

Thanks Tina!

I am happier now than I've been in years! I know that sounds terrible but our life with him was always messed up and difficult! I really hate him for what he's done to us and what he put us through and I really thought that he had somewhat turned to us. I finally had some good feelings to hang on to and I was grateful for that. That is until I had to go through everything and I found so much that was proof of the extent of his deceipt! Really bazaar! My friends tell me it's a Lifetime movie - if we didn't have evidence I don't think anyone would really believe this - just amazing. I almost don't believe it all and I have proof in my hands and it is undeniable - there is no speculation or guess work - it's right here for all to see! I knew more than anyone else what a lousy guy he was but even I didn't know the extent of it all. He truly did lead a double life and he was really good at it - I think it all fell apart in the end as he lost more and more control of his "lives". I knew he was "involved" in some way with another woman but I really thought it was just an emotional thing (what a joke!) and the real kicker is this affair was with a totally different woman - so, who really knows how many there were! By the way, I did call both women! They both were grateful for the gift of his love!!! Can you believe that! I blame them as well because they both knew he was married but he did manipulate them too - but I certainly don't feel sorry for them. But, guess what?! I got the best of him - I got the money!!! And I will live well on it with MY kids - he was just a sperm donor and a resource to pay the bills!!! I was willing to never reveal the things I did know about him until I found all of this new stuff and then I decided no way! There's no way I'm going to hide what he truly was!!! People told me to not tell the kids but the truth has a way of coming out - I really didn't know what to do there but like I said truth has a way of coming out. My youngest saw his e-harmony account and she went off about him and told one of my other kids - I decided to reveal it to the other two (I still haven't told my daughter at school yet but I will and I'm not telling them everything - they don't need to know all of the dirty details!). I've found that by talking with them about it (an acceptable amount), it's given them the opportunity to reveal their true feelings about him and how he was and I really think it's the right choice for us. If he had been a wonderful father, at least, I would never have told them but he wasn't. They had weird, hurtful, confusing experiences with him as well and this has all opened the door for them to completely vent about him and I have to believe this is healthy for them too. It's really hard to have bad feelings about a person going through cancer but he only used the disease to further manipulate everyone! He really was the worst person I've ever personally known - and I married him - wow! But I was manipulated by him too and I did believe the lies he told me for years - but I did eventually wake up - we already had four kids by then - I do believe I did the very best I could for them - all in all, given our situation - we are in the absolute best place right now and we will be fine.

Sorry for going on and on - I'm still in shock as to what a lousy person he really was! My last fear is that one day some stranger will knock on my door and tell me that he was their father! I'm sure I'll never know everything!

Tina

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2118
Joined: Oct 2009

Feeling mean today, I would have asked their husbands how their wives liked the gift of your husband's love......it takes all kinds.

Tina

jncscouts@gmail.com
Posts: 3
Joined: Apr 2010

I know as a cancer survivor that I was guilty of being obsessed at first with my cancer condition. only recently, It felt like I awoke from a horrible nightmare. I didn't realize what a jerk I was to my family. I found out that I had cancer in my fifties. I know that it has been rough for you to cope with his "crazies". I was no angel either. Once my wife made me aware(she was very cold), I started a never ending journey to regain her love and trust. I ask the a similiar question as you "when does your spouse become your best friend and lover again?" I see a therapist and I dedicate myself to mending fences and being a better person. I understand why you filed divorce. I'm in the opposite situation where I feel unloved and lonely. I am an emotional man with deep sensitivity. Feeling lonely and adrift, you should have happiness and affection. I have fourth stage Renal cancer, I have always fought it with a positive attitude. Cancer should not be allowed to destroy a relationship. Lord knows I have tried since the awakening. It takes two to make a marriage work( after 33 years and three kids, I should know). I just wish my own spouse would realize it.You can't do it alone. Your ex-husband is a young man who will survive his cancer, if he allows it. It's time he woke up as I have. I wish you the best in your journey of life.

dynamo1
Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2019

Hello All,

I am so disheartened by the posts on this Thread.  I am a cancer patient and surviving one day at a time.

Marriage is not for weak folks who can not see deeper and wider than the emotions of the moment.

I did not ask for nor do any particular behavior that caused my stage 4 nuerendocrine cancer. So to think my spouse would

talk about me the way I hear you all talking makes me (want to leave this cruel world). My spouse has voiced some similar thoughts as yours and 

even started an affair to help him feel better about himself. Marriage is disposable today, no more for sickness and in health.  Mates only want 

the good times, the wealthy times, the healthy times it seems. Everyone seems worried about themselves and no compassion or patience for the 

mate with this terrible disease. I hope you are not trying to rationalize the disposal of a human who has brought an inconvenience into

your life as the surviving spouse.  Try and dig deeper into your better nature and explore all aspects love not just the hallmark stuff.

Speaking for the Cancer Patient (Victim) "now is the time we really need your true love".

 

 

SamsWife
Posts: 50
Joined: Sep 2007

Hi K -

I was just wondering how you're doing? I apologize for talking about my problems so much when you were seeking help with yours!

Tina

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 6643
Joined: Apr 2009

Not all cancers is the same and how one person deals with cancer will very for some else. Cancer & Cancer treatment in the Head & Neck will cause a change in the behavior of a person sometimes for the better and sometime for the worse. I have NPC that is a Cancer to the nasal passageway when doing my first treatment back in 2002 I got so that no one would visit me even my children moved out of the house, they were teens so no problem, I wonder sometimes why my Wife stayed. I did not know what was going on, nor the reason as to why no one came to visit in fact I got to where I did not care. I focused on my work everyday nothing else as it was my way of keeping my mind occupied to not worry about my problems. I did not know how my cancer was affecting my wife, I did not realized the depression she was going through, I could not see out of my own box that I was in.

The treatment ended in Feb 2003 and I started getting better, it was at that time in my life I woke up and realized what had happened. My Wife and I had a very long talk about what we both when through, with out her I could have never done it, she loved me so much she stuck it out. My Cancer came back again in 2004 and again I went through treatment worse then the first, but this time my wife and I understood the affect of it and were better prepared for what was coming. I tried very hard to watch out for her this time instead of my work, and it made all the different in our life.

Pancake I can’t tell you what to do, you may or may not be able to wake up your husband out of this dilemma he is in. What helped me the most was my Wife prayed for me everyday, I could not have survived this with out her. Only now I see the beauty in the woman that married me 35 years ago.

I can’t do much but what I can do is to pray that you find a way to help wake up you husband too.

Take cane

wifflefrog
Posts: 32
Joined: Sep 2010

Honestly, your emotions are just as high. If you need to walk away I say go for it. One week into a marriage is not the best time to deal with such harsh realities. My husband was diagnosed with a reoccurred just 2 months after the birth of our son. My hormones were out of whack and we had such plans. Its tough to really play the martyr and loving wife when dealing with your own crap and receiving no support.
My husband has definitely waivered on all the issues your husband has. But one thing is he doe follow treatment & if your husband is not then there is not much you can do and that's not fair. Its almost like he does not care and if he does not then its a clear message.
Definitely keep using your therapist and talking to friends/family. But you do need your mental health right now and if you breakdown you could just be as sick. I think there is a boundary none of us are superheros and until you are in our shoes you never know how much is too much. Good Luck and hopefully you get some good support/advice from these pages.
I know its allowed me to really evaluate where I am, its okay to be mad at the cancer and how it affects the ones we love. But don't forget even though we don't know cancer we live with it everyday.

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

pancake - you don't mention how he was before dx and treatment, but I'm willing to bet he was a plaer version of what you ended up with. I know it's hard to walk away when everything is telling you to stay. I'm dealing with it too - hubby may not play video games but he is so verbally and emotionally abusive and that was before the dx. Now it's worse and I'm supposed to allow it b/c of his dx and laryngectomy.

Hun, stay true to yourself. To me it's sounds like he has given up and has a death wish. Let him, but don't allow him to drag you down too. I'm doing my best to keep myself whole, but some days it's impossible. If your instincts/gut is at peace with your decision that is where you need to be. As for continuing to take him to appts and such: set it up for others to take him or give him the appt book. If he wants to continue treatment and step up and live then he will do so. St. Jude you are not.

Now if I can only listen to my own advice . . .

Take care and find your sunshine.

rr67
Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2010

My husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer two years ago. After one year, he did research and found a field trial surgery that removed all the cancer that had previously been deemed inoperable due to complications. His illness, we are now told, was several years in the making. During that time,my husband became increasingly bitter.

Oddly enough, when he was fighting the cancer -- even with the terminal diagnosis staring him in the face -- he was very upbeat. I have to say that we were at our closest and happiest when we were pulling together as a team in the fight.

Well, six months after his All Clear, he is a bitter man again. We fight all the time about inconsequentials. He makes mountains out of mole hills and ignores those things that are true mountains -- passing them off as "my imagination". (His increased drinking of several cocktails or multiple bottles of wine each night, for example.) He told me life sucked, our marriage is a shambles, and that, if the cancer returns, he will just "let it go".

We are in counseling. Our counselor has suggested -- and my husband has agreed -- that he needs individual counseling. He still has not taken steps, but takes his frustrations out on me. When I ask him to seek a counselor, he asks how I can stand living with such a selfish b@$t@rd as everything is all about him. I'm no saint, but I have supported him emotionally and financially for years -- even before he became too sick to work, but was unemployed.

He is not a slacker, but an intelligent and under employed person. He is frustrated taht he is over qualified, but has been told fo the last year that "God has saved you for something special".

He says we are so far apart because I don't want to sit out all night and drink with him. Yep, There is a gap there.

His idea of conversation is serial monologue with him doing the all the b:tch;ng. If I even try to make like it is a two-way conversation, he bites my head off and tells me to STOP INTERRUPTING. He hates my "interupting" so much that, he says, he will leave me over it. How many times do I have to listen to him say his life sucks, his parents were monsters, his bosses were jerks, he will never get a job again, and that he fought the fight for nothing.

Did I mention that he has written off his grown kids because they don't run to him for advice? That he has to actually work to have a relationship with them?

He trusts no one (yes, his parents were monsters). That includes me. After 20+ years, I am still trying to see what will make him a happy person. The gift of a second chance at life sure isn't working.

He sends teh same resume to all job postings and curses HR as not seeing what a great candidate he is. Anyone who doesn't agree with his politics is immediately written off. This is not a happy guy.

I get that he was broken in childhood and may never be fixed. What is really making me sad is that, when he was dying, we were happiest. We were a team and we looked for laughter.

What the heck happened? If I leave, he has nothing. I am his financial support. I leave him with half or what the heck, take the whole house and, in our state, only three years of support. I will always let him get on my group insurance because he can no longer get insurance on his own. Or, at least, he cannot once the next administration kills Obama care. Or is that even true? I read only 200 pages of that lengthy bill, so I have no idea what a cancer patient can do to get individual health insurance.

Anyway, what am I supposed to do? I know that the cancer will surely return with his bitterness and drinking. (His parents died from effects of alcoholism and he just loves "Leaving Las Vegas".) Sometimes, he is a great guy. Most times, he is a frustrated, bitter person.

There is a very small part of me -- and I know it makes me a small person -- that almost wishes I'd been widowed. It would be over and I could move on. I am in quicksand with an alcoholic who thinks he is invincible but who wants to live in the bottom of a bottle. i don't even know if he is going in for his 90-day follow ups as he should. He says it is not my business. It was nothing but my business for two years.

I see I am rambling. I guess I am sinking in the quicksand.

rr67
Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2010

My husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer two years ago. After one year, he did research and found a field trial surgery that removed all the cancer that had previously been deemed inoperable due to complications. His illness, we are now told, was several years in the making. During that time,my husband became increasingly bitter.

Oddly enough, when he was fighting the cancer -- even with the terminal diagnosis staring him in the face -- he was very upbeat. I have to say that we were at our closest and happiest when we were pulling together as a team in the fight.

Well, six months after his All Clear, he is a bitter man again. We fight all the time about inconsequentials. He makes mountains out of mole hills and ignores those things that are true mountains -- passing them off as "my imagination". (His increased drinking of several cocktails or multiple bottles of wine each night, for example.) He told me life sucked, our marriage is a shambles, and that, if the cancer returns, he will just "let it go".

We are in counseling. Our counselor has suggested -- and my husband has agreed -- that he needs individual counseling. He still has not taken steps, but takes his frustrations out on me. When I ask him to seek a counselor, he asks how I can stand living with such a selfish b@$t@rd as everything is all about him. I'm no saint, but I have supported him emotionally and financially for years -- even before he became too sick to work, but was unemployed.

He is not a slacker, but an intelligent and under employed person. He is frustrated taht he is over qualified, but has been told fo the last year that "God has saved you for something special".

He says we are so far apart because I don't want to sit out all night and drink with him. Yep, There is a gap there.

His idea of conversation is serial monologue with him doing the all the b:tch;ng. If I even try to make like it is a two-way conversation, he bites my head off and tells me to STOP INTERRUPTING. He hates my "interupting" so much that, he says, he will leave me over it. How many times do I have to listen to him say his life sucks, his parents were monsters, his bosses were jerks, he will never get a job again, and that he fought the fight for nothing.

Did I mention that he has written off his grown kids because they don't run to him for advice? That he has to actually work to have a relationship with them?

He trusts no one (yes, his parents were monsters). That includes me. After 20+ years, I am still trying to see what will make him a happy person. The gift of a second chance at life sure isn't working.

He sends teh same resume to all job postings and curses HR as not seeing what a great candidate he is. Anyone who doesn't agree with his politics is immediately written off. This is not a happy guy.

I get that he was broken in childhood and may never be fixed. What is really making me sad is that, when he was dying, we were happiest. We were a team and we looked for laughter.

What the heck happened? If I leave, he has nothing. I am his financial support. I leave him with half or what the heck, take the whole house and, in our state, only three years of support. I will always let him get on my group insurance because he can no longer get insurance on his own. Or, at least, he cannot once the next administration kills Obama care. Or is that even true? I read only 200 pages of that lengthy bill, so I have no idea what a cancer patient can do to get individual health insurance.

Anyway, what am I supposed to do? I know that the cancer will surely return with his bitterness and drinking. (His parents died from effects of alcoholism and he just loves "Leaving Las Vegas".) Sometimes, he is a great guy. Most times, he is a frustrated, bitter person.

There is a very small part of me -- and I know it makes me a small person -- that almost wishes I'd been widowed. It would be over and I could move on. I am in quicksand with an alcoholic who thinks he is invincible but who wants to live in the bottom of a bottle. i don't even know if he is going in for his 90-day follow ups as he should. He says it is not my business. It was nothing but my business for two years.

I see I am rambling. I guess I am sinking in the quicksand.

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

>His idea of conversation is serial monologue with him doing the all the b:tch;ng. If I even try to make >like it is a two-way conversation, he bites my head off and tells me to STOP INTERRUPTING. He hates my >"interupting" so much that, he says, he will leave me over it. How many times do I have to listen to >him say his life sucks, his parents were monsters, his bosses were jerks, he will never get a job >again, and that he fought the fight for nothing

Have you been to my house?

Edward W
Posts: 30
Joined: Oct 2010

Et Al.. This scynario sounds familiar. I advise getting him to a doctor to prescribe Cymbatla for stress. I helped me

SamsWife
Posts: 50
Joined: Sep 2007

Hi rr -

I feel so awful for you - I know that rock and hard place your in - you sound like a good, caring person that wants to do the right thing and keep the damage to a minimum for everyone. Why is it that, as women (and I know some men), we feel the need to always put up with whatever our family dishes out at the expense of our own well-being? I know it's easy to say from my end (and, hey, I'm one of the women that stayed despite how lonely and unhappy I was for years) but you have the right to pursue a happier life on your own and I understand how much is involved with doing that - a whole change of life! I'm sure it sounds so overwhelming to even begin - but the longer you stay the farther away happiness is. Sometimes it's easier to stay with what's familiar - it just seems so much easier. I'm now realizing that, in the months since my husband passed, my mind is beginning to clear and I'm thinking better and feeling better all the time. I feel that, for years, I was in such an unhappy fog and I know it was a result of the hard work it took to just get through the days with him - just dealing with how to get along with him and still be the person I wanted to be - I didn't want to turn into a cold, uncaring person. I now feel that I really can pursue things for myself and I'm able to now - it sounds weird but the only way I can describe what I'm trying to say is: my mind has room now to learn and dream whereas before I was so clouded with stress. I'm in a place that I'm having a hard time deciding what it is I want to do for me - I haven't had to make a choice for me for so, so long - I was always taking care of others - so, honestly, I'm struggling with what to do with myself but I know in time I'll figure it out! I know my husband wasn't a good guy but I still wanted to give him the best care that I could because he was suffering. However, had it not been for my kids and the example I was trying to be for them and the fact that I was trying to preserve a father figure for them, I would have left. I realized that he was selfish in that he wanted me to take care of him but there was nothing reciprocated - the day the oncologist told him it was time for hospice, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach - I was so sad and I wanted to hug and comfort him (and me) and he sort of shoved me away - he didn't want my love or affection or a relationship from me or the kids - he just wanted to use us to take care of him - that's all. It sounds as if your husband has no room for you - only himself and his own woes. I think you owe it to yourself to have peace and happiness in your life - you never know how long you're going to be on this earth and everyday given to him is another taken away from yourself - that's not being selfish - that's enjoying the gift of life that God gave you. I think that, if you stay with him, one day you're going to realize how much of your life you gave to him and he didn't appreciate it and you're going to be very bitter about that and happiness will be tough to come by. I would hate to see that happen to you.

Good luck and take care,
Love - Tina

Pancakesplease
Posts: 2
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi all,

I've read all the reply's and am not surprised about wifes/hubbys in similar situations such as mine....how much can you take, and can you live a normal, guilt free life,and move on? IT IS SO HARD!!!!
I decided to give it ONE more chance....and well, he invited his(alcoholic) best friend to move into our small two bed room apt....I was still at my moms at that time, and said I was against Nat moving in, he told me I shouldn't come back then, but being stupid, I did move back in.....things got WORSE, so I decided to do the leaving this time...I have since learned that a new spot on his MRI is a GBM. I tried to reconnect and talk to him, but he is very angry at me, says he wished we never met,married, that I wasted the last five years of his life..that I dont deserve to be happy...I am feeling ALOT of guilt, poor guy! He doesn't deserve to have his life cut so short! I only wish there was more I could have done! I feel I should have been a better wife! I know the situation was bad, but its so hard now!
to all you caregivers sticking it out and making a difference in their loved ones life's, keep going and stay strong! I really admire you all!

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

hun - as long as in the end you are at peace with yourself, that is all that matters. hubby has started to come around. he apologizes to me and tells me he's sorry he takes everything out on me. Our roommates are just starting to understand him with his "new voice" (his electrolarynx) so hopefully things will get better.

I do forgive, I just don't forget.

Find your peace hun

CS52461
Posts: 8
Joined: Nov 2014

I know this thread is four years old, but it struck a note with me.

My wife went on Keppra right after a seizure/AA3 brain tumor dx and immediately withrew from me.  She made it sound like I was the source of her anger, but I know now that I was just the destination.  Despite shouldering the load of caring for the home and toddler, in her eyes I didn't step up enough - not true and it hurt.    Keppra combined with rad/chemo treatment changed her from my loving wife to a roommate that despises me. 

I'm very hopeful, but no matter how much I do to address her issues - I never bridge the gap.  It seems like the harder I try, the further she pulls away from me...

 

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