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oh please help me

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

ok so on thursday of this week coming I have onc and CEA results. In the meantime I am freaking, in pain, completely overwhelmed with cancer. My left breast is bothering me so that's breast cancer, my left shoulder is sore so that is bone cancer, my stomach is upset and i have reflux so that is esophogeal..{SP} cancer.....and on and on.....can't sleep, can't tell hubby,,,and it's my birthday and friends are having a party this afternoon and I don't want to go and smile and be the happy birthday girl

scan xiety....I want to take 3 ativan and crawl into bed.....why am I so afraid and freaked
flippin cancer....you got me in you grips...still

sorry...vent day for me I guess...any hints????

mags

coloCan
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2009

how can you let the thought of a painless scan affect you so much? You know the results will be good and the test won't leave you with chemo-like side effects. I haven't been here long enough to worry about scan results yet but I will soon enough so I don't know how I'll really react. I'm sure the sight from your windows is snow all around, which for some reason would cheer me up (no snow by me yet)might cheer you up too, in a way, unless you're sick of all the snow. if its your birthday, do as you see fit cos now every birthday seems xtra special (had my own first birthday since Dx and life-changing surgery this past Sept)Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAGS and don't worry about your upcoming scan.....Steve

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

thank you sweetie: maybe because there already has been so much pain, i can't face more. Maybe I am just losing it...you know when you are not actively in treatment I find friends just don't realize the constant underlying stress of the beast.

thanks steve, mags

grammadebbie's picture
grammadebbie
Posts: 456
Joined: Jun 2009

Dearest Mags,

I'm so sorry that you are going thru all of this. It seems that no matter how hard we try, that old anxiety sneaks in. I know it was hard for me when I completed chemo. Of course I was thrilled but I also missed all the nurses and camaraderie with other patients. I guess when I was in treatment I felt like I was actively participating in fighting cancer. I had a wonderful support system at my chemo center and it was a great place to be around people who truly understand. I'm so thankful that I found this wonderful forum. I think the fear of having to go thru all the pain again is something we all face. I am so thankful to be here and yet I miss who I used to be. I don't have clarity in my thoughts. I can't tell you how many posts I try to respond to and when I read them back they don't make any sense so I erase them. I'm not going to erase this even though it's all over the place. The main thing I'm trying to say is that I understand. You are a wonderful, amazing person that has fought this monster with grace, dignity, humor, tenacity etc. You keep it up and if you have some down days, just remember all you have endured and accomplished. You are a blessing to me and I appreciate your honesty and heartfelt contributions to this precious family of ours. Big Hugs to you and have a happy birthday. You're in my prayers

Blessing to you,

Debbie (gramma)

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

thank you Debbie...that is a most generous post////yes all over the place...and yes when you are in treatment there is a certain order and care that is so comforting....when that is gone one feels liberated but sort of reeling too...yup I have done the write the post, read and erase it more times than I like to think

understand that is good

hugs mags

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Nothing, and no one, will screw up MY life...INCLUDING cancer!!!

At one point, I was taking so much Vicodin that my onc was worried about me becoming an abuser, from all the pain.

Ask to be referred to a pain clinic...they can help. Whatever you do, DO NOT be a pain hero....it takes away from the recovery to normal that you WILL experience!!!

'Canceritis' is very normal...lol...I still, 5 years later, have a thought or two when I have something wierd physically happen...and, remember, I have had 2 primary cancers...stage III rectal followed by stage II breast...I just KNOW I'm dying....rofl!

I am sending BIG, WARM, FUZZY hugs, my dear soul....

But, again, the most effective thing for me was an attitude of cancer will NOT be permitted to steal my life, or my living!!!!

Hugs, Kathi

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

ok I am repeating that to myself....cancer will NOT steal my living.

I am putting on mascara for the party and my hands are shaking so much i look like a clown
lolol
mags

lcarper2
Posts: 638
Joined: Dec 2009

I am battling colon cancer 1/2 way into chemo and bald and feel like crap but you know what gets me through all this is my faith in God I know he has healed me and I know he has healed you. We are only here on this mortal earth for as long as he wants us here and believe me if you have gotten through any cancer at all and you are able to write this blog you are better off than if you had died. I don't know what you had or have but if you give into it you will be playing into the devils hand you have to claim victory in Jesus and claim the healing of the Lord. Satan is not going to get me girlfriend I'll fight him all the way and come out a victor. When you are in pain ask god to take it from you. No one ever said it was easy to get through any cancer but if you change your attitude to I am not going to give into this you will feel better try it each day and see if you don't get to felling better. I will pray for you and wish you all the luck in the world and HAPPY BIRTHDAY....

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

I hope you have a great birthday. To tell you honestly, when I was even diagnosed with cancer, I wasn't in any pain, so any aches and pains you feel, don't even always associate with cancer, it's just the body aches from being tired, (especially when you're doing too much and not getting any rest that the body needs), so, you don't have to be in pain to have cancer, you've done so well this far into your battle, that you will still do well with your test. If you have to take pills, take them! they help, I take ativan, if that calms you down before a test, I'd take it. I actually even wait on my results to see the doctor, since I'm never in a rush to see how it came out, I figure no news is good news, and they'd call if they found something more.

I wish I was there to give you a hug, and can't say don't worry, because you will anyway, but I'll say it anyway.... don't worry too much ;)

Lots of prayers and positive energy coming your way, you're doing really well! have fun with friends, they sure will take your mind off everything!

Hugsss!
~Donna

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

Donna no one could have been through more than you have this year....you a one tough little cookie.

I know I am too...sometimes waiting is the worst...I've always been a fan of marching. You are right my friends will cheer me up and I am going to have that glass of white wine and stop the whine....thanks Donna

best to you
mags

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

thank you carper2

and hang in there yourself

mags

SandyL
Posts: 220
Joined: Feb 2009

I feel so bad for you-dang birthdays and parties ..... and to know that you have to go is the pits. Sure hope that the party makes you feel somewhat better then you can go home and snuggle up in bed. Sure hope that your pain subsides. Isn't it awful that every little quirk we have now it's assumed that it will be cancer. So sorry you're in the doldrums and in pain.
Sandy

SandyL
Posts: 220
Joined: Feb 2009

Happy Birthday to you.

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

I hope you have a wonderful day. Sometimes getting out & with people actually takes my mind off cancer, any pain, etc. I hope this is the case for you today. I think anxiety is normal; I actually don't get too nervous for the scans themselves, it's the results appointment tht bothers me. I hope you have great results & your aches and pains disappear!

KATE58's picture
KATE58
Posts: 300
Joined: Nov 2009

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.
But HAPPY BIRTHDAY !

fringetree
Posts: 66
Joined: Dec 2009

I'm sorry you are having such a stressful weekend.I hope your party (and your glass of wine!) helped take your mind off of things. If not, take three ativan and crawl into bed! If nothing else, it sounds like you have friends who love you, even if they don't always "get it".

Wishing you great news on Thursday!

Kathryn_in_MN's picture
Kathryn_in_MN
Posts: 1258
Joined: Sep 2009

I hope getting out with your friends takes your mind away from the test worries and you have some fun. I think that is the best cure for worrying - do something to take your mind off of it.

(I have my big day Thursday too - PET on Tuesday, and results on Thursday, so I know what you are going through. Hopefully I will know if I am stage III or if it really is IV next week. I don't normally take my Ativan, but I think I will this week!)

Sending you a big birthday hug! (And go ahead and take your Ativan at bedtime if you need it.)

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

ok I had two glasses of wine and I do feel better....honestly I would never complain except to this family...I know you know when no one else knows

please hold onto my hand this week

hugs to you all

mags

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

You've got it! I hope you enjoyed your party! Two glasses of wine sounds very nice!

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

I hope you ended up having a much better day then when it started. I am so sorry you are going through this rough time, please keep up the faith and the strength that I know you have. You are in my prayers. *HUGS*

Beth

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Mags and Kathryn,

You both have been through so much! I believe you'll both be okay & I'll be thinking of and praying for you both as you get your scans this week and await results.
Mags- Keep repeating to yourself what Kathi said- forcing yourself to say the brave words even when you don't feel it is really a step towards believing what you're saying! I just said a prayer that you can relax and enjoy your birthday- happy birthday!!

I'm sure you've heard this so much, but attitude is such a huge thing in conquering this beast! I've done what you have too. I've had so much pain in my lower spine that I had myself convinced that the cancer went to my bones there. Even after a bone scan showed that it was "just" slight degenerative disease (arthritis), the fear that it's really cancer does creep into my mind every now and then. I will not let this disease win and will not let it take over my mind! I wish and pray the same thoughts for you.

Hugs,
Lisa

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6691
Joined: Feb 2009

I didn't realize that you were going through all of this and I am so sorry that you have to deal with all this pain. Can you not get anything from your doctors to help you with this pain? I know you probably don't want to go anywhere after what you are expressing in pain, but I hope you can get some relief and try to enjoy yourself somewhat. Just don't stay very long, and politely excuse yourself. Others will surely understand because of what you have been through. Happy Birthday to you and I hope you feel better. I'll thinking about you with your upcoming tests.

Kim

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5061
Joined: Feb 2008

Happy Birthday, dear. I hope you were able to enjoy your party. It's natural to worry about any litle ache and pain. I pray that you will wonderful results on all tests!

*hugs*
Gail

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Dearest Mags,
I hope you were able to enjoy your birthday. You have every right to have a tough time but as you know, Cancer is not You! You are beautiful and loving and wonderful and full of life! I'll be praying for you! Hugs!

Aloha,
Kathleen

VickiCO's picture
VickiCO
Posts: 934
Joined: Oct 2008

Mags,

You are one brave chick and you can handle this. I, too, think every pain or problem is a new cancer. My oncologist never poo-poos my questions - he even ordered a chest x-ray when I swore breast cancer was eating me away a couple of months ago - the X-ray was to prove to me that I had torn a ligament, therefore had pain.

Keep coming to us with your fears and thoughts. We understand!

Hope the party was a blast. Many hugs, Vicki

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

Mags

I do hope you feel a little better Don't worry things will work out. thinking of you

michelle

dianetavegia's picture
dianetavegia
Posts: 1953
Joined: Mar 2009

Hope you had loads of fun! Details???

(I'll be praying for you, too)

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

Hope you feel better! Hope you endured your party that had great intentions! Cancer sucks, all we want for Christmas is too feel normal, feel no pain!!!!

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Even a tried and true veteran feels the same effects of the battle as anyone else. You've been fighting your battle for so many years - you and I and Phil have been at it for about the same length of time, nearly 6 years.

And recurrence is always the problem isn't it? That's where the worry comes from and always will come from - how could it not?

The pain you mention and associating it with Cancer is something that we all have in common seems, something begins to hurt and it's Cancer right away, but "once bitten, twice shy."

Happy Belated B'Day, Mags - just keep stringin' those together :)

Happy Holidays to You!

-Craig

PamPam2's picture
PamPam2
Posts: 376
Joined: Jan 2009

Hi Mags
I hope tonight finds you in better spirits! I myself had a (few) tonight, had my CT scan of abdomin, pelvis and chest today, five years out. I know what you are feeling, it is a scary feeling every time.
As you can tell, it is 2:30 a.m. and I am still up, after having tests today, although I have the bravest thoughts and feelings that all is ok, there is still that strange and fearful thing in the back of our minds that just won't go away. Best of hopes for you up there in your beautiful Canadian caban from my little 90 year old "cabin" (house heated with a wood stove) in cold old Ohio.
Pam

SandyL
Posts: 220
Joined: Feb 2009

I hope your scan turns up nadda, nothing, zilch. It certainly is scarey even tho we hope for the best each and every time. When will you get your results? We live in Ohio, too.
Sandy

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

thank you one and all. The party was great...i have a girlfriend who makes the best cakes in the world!
I think the common theme here is anxiety..pervasive with all of us no matter where in the journey...just beginning or fighting after years. I guess we don't get rid of it...we live with it, we deal with it, and maybe sometimes we don't deal with it and we freak. Honestly after five years I cannot burden my friends this morning and say ok...scared...s--tless...I can't they have heard it too many times.

but I can say it to YOU GUYS!!!!! :) :) cuz you know what I am talking about.

Thinking about everyone this morning....sending hugs and thanks

mags

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

It's your special day, after all!!!!

Remember, don't get sad, get mad when the beast tries to take too much!!!

Hugs, Kathi

AceSFO's picture
AceSFO
Posts: 230
Joined: Sep 2009

and missed this when it was new. I agree with the others, that you're gonna be fine, but will be eager to hear it on Thursday. We'll be thinking about you, and I hope your birthday was fun!
Happy Belated Birthday!

Adrian

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