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I don't want this!

amyboston's picture
amyboston
Posts: 92
Joined: Oct 2009

Something just hit me. I was reading posts. I made two appointments MRI and CT scan...
talked to a therapist today. My surgery is on for Nov 13th. Thats three weeks of waiting.

I don't want to do this!

I don't want to go through it.

Everytime I talk to a doctor there are more tests, more bad news, more statistics, more forms to sign.

This is my life now and I hate it.

Amy

just4Brooks's picture
just4Brooks
Posts: 988
Joined: Jun 2009

Amy... This is the new NORMAL for now. I'm 46 and have a wife and 3 kids. I HATE IT TOO!!! Take a deep breath and scream I HATE CANCER. GO CRY, Do what ever it takes to get you through TODAY. Then do what ever it takes to get you through tomorrow. We'll be okay. Stay on this board a post as often as you need to. These people are great and thank god I have them. Wait till you meet Craig. I'll love him too!!

Live for today
Brooks

dianetavegia's picture
dianetavegia
Posts: 1953
Joined: Mar 2009

Well, I agree. I was dx'd on Jan. 2nd of this year and it still doesn't seem real.

Amy, be sure to see your dentist NOW. Dental work during chemo can be very, very dangerous. Get a good cleaning and ask about mouth wash for dry mouth and possibly a special toothpaste.

God will help you through this.

Diane

sfmarie's picture
sfmarie
Posts: 605
Joined: Aug 2009

And I am the caregiver. But my heart breaks everytime I see my sister and the battle she is fighting. We need to find a cure and soon! I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks!
Marie

tammy41's picture
tammy41
Posts: 50
Joined: Mar 2007

yes it does suck ... my heart was breaking when i saw what you wrote. i am stage 4 found out march of 07 mets to the liver had the resection and some of the colon removed all before augs of 07. chemo after that and then a break for 6 months now back on chemo with more mets to the liver. i said the same thing you did I DONT WANT TO DO THIS I CANT DO THIS but because i have a wonderful family and the support from this board im doing it. one day at a time. and i have alot of good days. more good then bad. i go to mass general for my treatments and surgeys they are wonderful people. not sure where your going but mass has great hospitals they will take good care of you. keep coming here to this board i do not post very much but i read the post every day and it has saved my butt more then i can say its nice to no that someone out there knows just how you feel. and that is what i have found here. take care tammy

eric38's picture
eric38
Posts: 588
Joined: May 2009

I was diagnosed 6 months ago and I also felt that I kept going from bad news to worse news every time they scaned me. I am stage 4 with 4 mets to the liver and have responded well to therapy. Last scan showed that I am nearly in remission and I haven`t finished my course of chemo treatments yet. I went from a grim prognosis to a possibility of living with this as a manageable disease for a long time. Don`t look at statistis. They are all outdated. They have to go back atleast five years to get those statistics and everybody is different. There are many stage 4 surviors on this site that prove doctors are not always right. They do what they are taught to do. They are taught that stage 4 is not curable so they automatically tag you as being incurable if you are stage 4 but people do beat this disease. There are people here who will help, support you, and make you feel more comfortable. Colon cancer is a highly researched disease because it is so common. They are constantly coming up with new ways to fight it. Not to diminish what you put on the post cause cancer and the whole process that comes with it does suck and you cannot live your live without it constantly being in the back of your mind. We all need to get to a point where we can live our lives and take the time to smell the roses and enjoy the beauty in life. I would rather live a short life with alot of quality than a long life of pain and despair. Of course, we all need our time to vent and be depressed or angry. Cancer sucks and it is no cake walk but the time you have is valuable no matter how long it is and it could be a long time.
Eric

mytwin
Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2009

Hi Tammy it sounds like your cancer is prettynmuch like my twin sisters.She was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in april of this year,they removed a part of the colon and found also spots on her lungs and liver.She started chmo right away after 6 months thy did a cat scan and found that the chemo was not holding it at bay as good as it should the lungs had more spots and the liver spot had grown.Now they started her on different chemo and she does not feel that good.She can not touch anything cold on her hands and had a bout of direha,so they gave her pills to help with that ,but now it has been 2 days and no bowelmovement.I was told by her onocologist that they will keepon changing her chemo as it stops working until there is no more to give.I noticed you found out about your cancer in o7,are they holding yours at bay or is there some miracle drugs out there that our doc does not no about.I would appreciate any info you could give us.Thanks Donna.

chicoturner's picture
chicoturner
Posts: 285
Joined: Apr 2009

Amy, don't give up! It all seems so overwhelming, but the tough days will spread out and the good days will come! Look for your support network, family friends or us, but find them now. It' ok to tell them you are mad and afraid. If you can't tell them all of that, you need other support! I was dx in 3/08, stage 4. Some days are hard, but that's life and I'll take it! You'll take it too! Jean

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

Hi Amy ....I am 63 and have been doing cancer for 5 years now....colon and then liver mets...3 different rounds of chemo.

You know what Amy...it does suck...cancer stinks,,,but you will reach some level of accepting or at least getting on with things. It is totally overwhelming at first but there is life after this.....keep going girl...

I know it sounds trite....there are people on this forum so much better at advising and helping but there is support here. Your life probably won't be the same Amy but don't ever think you cannot do it.....if I can do it anyone can do it and you will do it :) :) :)

best hugs

mags

2bhealed's picture
2bhealed
Posts: 2085
Joined: Dec 2001

I hear ya honey! One time during a CT scan I just sat and cried in the room as I had to drink the contrast ucky stuff. I didn't cry b/c I had to take the drink, I cried because I had to have this scan....again....and then wait for the results and this was my life now and that part SUCKED!

I remember being in the oncology waiting room at Mayo on Sept 12, 2001 (terrible day anyway after the world as we know it collapsed) and looking all around me saw all these folks waiting, like me, to find out about their cancer. And that sucked. (I also was the youngest adult there and that sucked too--no one my age to relate to--I was 39).

So yeah there are definitely parts you will hate so make sure the parts that you can control you like....such as your doctor, your clinic, your friends who will help out etc etc.

Don't be surprised when and where the tears may flow.

peace, emily

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

You're very new to this, and your reaction is normal. Treat yourself well in this time while you wait for the surgery. Do things to pamper yourself. I know how you feel (we all do), but it WILL get better. There will always be moments where you think, "Holy crap! Did they say I have cancer?" but you will find that time will allow you to have many moments of joy, as well. Treasure those.

*hugs*
Gail

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

Amy,
Nope , we don't want to go through it either, and by gosh I don't think I will...Hold on, Im already done with it. Danggg, where did that year go, It went by so quick and now its all a memory, a bad one but a memory nonetheless. It will be the same for you.
You have gotten to the stage in the game where the scared is leaving and the mad is coming in. Pissed because something has disrupted normalcy. But its going to only be a small part of your life unless you make it more than that. You see, you are letting it control your lifestyle. Your lifestyle hasn't changed, but it is going to get busier for a while. So, does it not beat the alternative ? Yes, it does, because between all the Dr appts and scans and treatments you get a view that not very many people ever get. You get another look at how really good life is, you get a feel of how miniscule things can be great when the time is taken to slow down and actually look instead of simply taking them for granted. I know the rollercoaster your on now, been there done that, got a sewn up arse to prove it, but Im walking around alive and doing the very same things I did before cancer. I just got my priorities straight again is all. It can control your life or you can control your life, that is what makes us so mad, we lose control. Simply get it back by not allowing it to dictate your lifestyle in no form or fashion. You don't hate your life, you hate the inconvenience that cancer has brought to it. The cancer will be gone someday, you'll still be here.....takes about a year to get through all the radiation/surgery/post op chemo...then life has a new outlook, a new zeal, and you are a new person....go into this with an open mind to just get it done and enjoy the little things that will come up during this journey, they are the things that will matter to you while you rid yourself of this mess, then you'll see what I am talking about on the outlook you'll have on life........{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} ...hang in there.....kick a trashcan (plastic) around..helped me until I got control back..........Clift

GOOFYLADIE's picture
GOOFYLADIE
Posts: 233
Joined: Aug 2009

You bet this is your life, and you are the one in control. You have the right to make it a good day if you so choose. Yes the cancer sucks! No, it's flat bullshit, I will not lie. I hated it. All I could think of was get this **** out of my body. NOW!! I cannot imagine waiting because I still have a hard time just waiting for regular checkups. The doctors are cool though. They realize I spent so much time waiting, that I sit in my car and talk on the phone and the nurse flags me in when its close to my turn. But that's how I deal. Thats what I choose.

So sit down and make a list of what you can do. Because during this there will be some things you can't or won't be able to do. The rest is entirely up to you. Which is pretty much like anything else in our life there is always some rules or regulation something from stopping us from just totally hanging loose. So baby, grab ahold of all of us, and ride. Because we are here for the long haul. I have 11 years clear and I have seen a whole lot of NED lately on this site. You want my phone number to yell at me or cry or talk I am right here. You can pm me and you have my number I will give it too you. We can do this!!! One moment, one hour, one day, one week whatever it takes we are all doing it.

You might call your surgeons office everyday, and see if there was a cancellation to bump your surgery up. It couldn't hurt if the time line is bothering you so much. Check out other available surgeons. You got this, you can do this. Even in my darkest days and I just new that I couldn't handle any more my youngest boy would come tell me mama you got Kansas! It just gave me more fuel to fight. Find your fuel.
Make it a Great Day! Goofyladie (Cass)

AceSFO's picture
AceSFO
Posts: 230
Joined: Sep 2009

Hi, Amy,

I saw in one of your previous posts that you're an artist. I am too.
My partner is johnsfo and he has stage 4 colon cancer with bone mets. His approach is that you can't change the diagnosis, but you can control the way you experience it. That part is a choice.
I'd say treat yourself to some new brushes (personally I'm addicted to Windsor Newton series 7 sable brushes) and get in your studio and focus on getting some of this stuff inside your head outside of your head. Or maybe even just write about it - just to yourself. I find that getting it out like that gives me a feeling of being more in control. It might give you a way to say "I have cancer. It doesn't have me."

The people on this board are wonderful and warm and will welcome you with open arms like a long-lost sibling. We're all here pulling for you and will support you as much as we can. Any time, day or night, and they'll share in the bad days and rejoice with you in the good news.

I'm glad you found it, and hope you'll post some of your work on the expressions page of your profile if you feel comfortable with that.

wishing you strength and tenacity,
Adrian

minibull
Posts: 56
Joined: Oct 2009

How come you have to wait so long for your surgery? I thought time was of the essence in getting rid of this "creature". I go to the surgeon tomorrow so would like to know if waiting that long is standard procedure.
I'm newly diagnosed so I'm eager to find out how everyone handles this.
Also, just found out today that there's an aggressive type and slow growing type of cancer.
Did anyone have the aggressive type? If so, what was the protocol?

PGLGreg's picture
PGLGreg
Posts: 741
Joined: Jul 2006

I didn't have to wait long, getting surgery here at Castle Medical Center. The colonoscopy that detected my cancer was on Monday, I met with my surgeon the next morning, did more tests the next few days, and my surgery was on Friday of that same week.

--Greg

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Hi Amy,
Yes, we all hate cancer. At the beginning we all struggle so much..... it is the shock of our lives, both for the person diagnosed and for the families (my husband was diagnosed IIIc in January 2009). I am glad you found this board. The people here have been amazing support for us. You are in a great place for medical care as I'm sure you know. My husband is from Newton and we have made many trips to Boston for medical issues for our daughter.
One day at a time is a good way to go when possible. When I'm sitting with my husband and we are just chatting I soak all of it up. I try to be grateful.
We're with you.
Take care.
Aloha,
Kathleen

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PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4907
Joined: May 2005

The waiting sucks. I get "scanxiety" as someone on the board once called it a few days before my results. I prepare for anything but hope for the best. I think if you feel you are in the best possible hands that it helps a lot with the choices that are made. With all the paperwork it's like buying a house! With the bad news I hope they offer you solutions, that has been my case. At least you have a game plan.

One MAJOR word of advice if I may, don't read/think about the statistics with the cancer, 99.999% of the time they are outdated and not everyone is the same. (Darn, I just gave you a statistic!)

Remember, you are unique...just like everyone else
-phil
5 1/2 year Stage IV living WITH cancer and enjoying life (most of the time...)

eric38's picture
eric38
Posts: 588
Joined: May 2009

There you go again - cracking me up.

Eric

GOOFYLADIE's picture
GOOFYLADIE
Posts: 233
Joined: Aug 2009

He makes me want to call him Uncle Phil too!LOL You make my day, because my oldest son has alot of your personality, but he's smoochey!!!!LOL You crack me up and I love that you shoot straight from the hip, I hate the side line ****!!!! Thank you, for helping this board see the flip side.
Make it a Great Day!!
Goofyladie (Cass)

GOOFYLADIE's picture
GOOFYLADIE
Posts: 233
Joined: Aug 2009

He makes me want to call him Uncle Phil too!LOL You make my day, because my oldest son has alot of your personality, but he's smoochey!!!!LOL You crack me up and I love that you shoot straight from the hip, I hate the side line ****!!!! Thank you, for helping this board see the flip side.
Make it a Great Day!!
Goofyladie (Cass)

tiny one
Posts: 467
Joined: Jan 2009

Amy had I not seen a picture of my polyp, I would not have believed that I had cancer. I was in to good of shape. I felt all during surgery and treatment that I was in a dream that I couldn't wake up from. I didn't smoke, exercised, was very active. But I ignored the blood in my stool for years. I asked a counselor what if I can't do treatment anymore. She said then you're done, no more treatment. The fact that she said I could stop made me continue. I wish that I would have gotten a second opinion, maybe I could have had surgery laprascopically. I might not have ended up with an ostomy. On the other hand, despite how hard this has been, I've seen my youngest get married, and I'm cancer free. Been so since Feb 2007. I was stage 3, with one lymph node testing positve. You are in charge, always remember this. Chemo was not what I thought it was going to be. It was much easier than I expected, very mild side effects. My hardest part and still is was my reversal.

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6440
Joined: Feb 2009

Most have given you the actuality of what is going to happen in the near future with tests and all. It is true, once you find out you are subjected to several different tests, procedures, appointments, surgeries, and waiting, etc. I found out December 1, 2008 and have been going to a doctor, or procedure or whatever every week (sometimes 3 in one week) until last week, which was my first week without any appointments or anything. Now this week, I have labs, next week outpatient surgery, and the following week more major surgery. But this is the ending of my treatment so I welcome it. You will get there. Bring your questions, and frustrations here as we can help.

Kim

mommyof2kds's picture
mommyof2kds
Posts: 522
Joined: Mar 2009

HI Amy, we are all going through or have been through what you are feeling right now. It takes time to process everything going on. I have been going through this since feb and it still is hard to take i at times. Get ready to fight the fight, we are all here for support. Petrina

butterfly23's picture
butterfly23
Posts: 257
Joined: Mar 2008

Hi Amy,

I wish I could give you a hug! Like everyone says here, we know what you are going through, we have all been there. I am 39 stage 4, with mets to lungs and spine. I have been fighting cancer for almost 2 years. I have been very positive throughout this whole ordeal, but I definately have my moments! I have my days where I don't want to do this anymore, but what is the alternative? You will get through this! You will go through alot of emotions, and that's normal. You have come to a wonderful website, we are all here for eachother! Please keep us updateed!
HUGS!
Karyn

patsy1954's picture
patsy1954
Posts: 85
Joined: Sep 2009

I never had time to even think when I was diagnosed. I saw my doctor on Monday for fatigue. Had labs on Tues, CT on Wed, and the dreaded Diagnosis on Thurs, admitted to the hospital on Friday, Surgery on Sat. I didn't have time to worry, cry or be anxious. I had too much to do, tell the family, tell work, call to get on disabiltiy and pack my bag for the hospital. I refuse to give in to this cancer crap. I have had my moments, but it goes away. I have very strong faith and when I am getting dowm I say my prayers. As a Catholic there are so many Saints that I pray to, it can takes me so long to say all the prayers that I have forgotten why I was depressed. Stay on this forum, the people are great and offer tons of insight and support. Some day we might be able to meet and share stories, I'm only 2 hrs from Boston.

Pat

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6440
Joined: Feb 2009

I also being Catholic know of a lot of Saints, but I just found out that there was a Saint for Cancer and the sick and it is St. Peregrine.

Kim

amyboston's picture
amyboston
Posts: 92
Joined: Oct 2009

Thank all of you!

It was difficult to read through all the posts,
cause I was crying.

I am calling my surgeon's office to see if they can
move up the date.

AMy

just4Brooks's picture
just4Brooks
Posts: 988
Joined: Jun 2009

Now you got it.. You take control of your care!! Keep us updated
Brooks

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

I finished chemo four weeks ago, and my first doctor appt for FU is tomorrow, they will take blood and I will wait for the results to see if my CEA count went up. I have a scan in Novemvber that I try not to think about.

Buzzard is right, wehre did the year go! I got through it, and right now I feel good.

Waiting for the next round but living too.........Hang in there, you can do it.

daydreamer110761's picture
daydreamer110761
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

I figured I would chime in with the rest of them -

Yep - I hate it too. And I remember sitting where you are just about a year ago, reading posts, and thinking to myself - I hate it, how did I get it, what is my life going to be like. I felt good one day, then all of a sudden there it went, down the shi**er! (ok, maybe bad terminology there, but it's the truth).

The next few weeks will seem like an endless whirlwind of information, doctor appointments, tests, scans, etc. But it will ease up and you'll be able to get into a routine. And before you know it, you'll be sitting here like some of us saying "where did the year go?" and helping out others....

Good luck, and remember to breathe!

Sherrie

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