I don't want this!

sfmarie said:

Yup it sucks
And I am the caregiver. But my heart breaks everytime I see my sister and the battle she is fighting. We need to find a cure and soon! I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks!
Marie

yes it does suck ... my
yes it does suck ... my heart was breaking when i saw what you wrote. i am stage 4 found out march of 07 mets to the liver had the resection and some of the colon removed all before augs of 07. chemo after that and then a break for 6 months now back on chemo with more mets to the liver. i said the same thing you did I DONT WANT TO DO THIS I CANT DO THIS but because i have a wonderful family and the support from this board im doing it. one day at a time. and i have alot of good days. more good then bad. i go to mass general for my treatments and surgeys they are wonderful people. not sure where your going but mass has great hospitals they will take good care of you. keep coming here to this board i do not post very much but i read the post every day and it has saved my butt more then i can say its nice to no that someone out there knows just how you feel. and that is what i have found here. take care tammy

We hate it too!!
I hear ya honey! One time during a CT scan I just sat and cried in the room as I had to drink the contrast ucky stuff. I didn't cry b/c I had to take the drink, I cried because I had to have this scan....again....and then wait for the results and this was my life now and that part SUCKED!

I remember being in the oncology waiting room at Mayo on Sept 12, 2001 (terrible day anyway after the world as we know it collapsed) and looking all around me saw all these folks waiting, like me, to find out about their cancer. And that sucked. (I also was the youngest adult there and that sucked too--no one my age to relate to--I was 39).

So yeah there are definitely parts you will hate so make sure the parts that you can control you like....such as your doctor, your clinic, your friends who will help out etc etc.

Don't be surprised when and where the tears may flow.

peace, emily

chicoturner said:

Hate the cancer, not yourself!
Amy, don't give up! It all seems so overwhelming, but the tough days will spread out and the good days will come! Look for your support network, family friends or us, but find them now. It' ok to tell them you are mad and afraid. If you can't tell them all of that, you need other support! I was dx in 3/08, stage 4. Some days are hard, but that's life and I'll take it! You'll take it too! Jean

Hi Amy
Hi Amy ....I am 63 and have been doing cancer for 5 years now....colon and then liver mets...3 different rounds of chemo.

You know what Amy...it does suck...cancer stinks,,,but you will reach some level of accepting or at least getting on with things. It is totally overwhelming at first but there is life after this.....keep going girl...

I know it sounds trite....there are people on this forum so much better at advising and helping but there is support here. Your life probably won't be the same Amy but don't ever think you cannot do it.....if I can do it anyone can do it and you will do it

best hugs

mags

Not the first or the last time we have heard this.....
Amy,
Nope , we don't want to go through it either, and by gosh I don't think I will...Hold on, Im already done with it. Danggg, where did that year go, It went by so quick and now its all a memory, a bad one but a memory nonetheless. It will be the same for you.
You have gotten to the stage in the game where the scared is leaving and the mad is coming in. Pissed because something has disrupted normalcy. But its going to only be a small part of your life unless you make it more than that. You see, you are letting it control your lifestyle. Your lifestyle hasn't changed, but it is going to get busier for a while. So, does it not beat the alternative ? Yes, it does, because between all the Dr appts and scans and treatments you get a view that not very many people ever get. You get another look at how really good life is, you get a feel of how miniscule things can be great when the time is taken to slow down and actually look instead of simply taking them for granted. I know the rollercoaster your on now, been there done that, got a sewn up arse to prove it, but Im walking around alive and doing the very same things I did before cancer. I just got my priorities straight again is all. It can control your life or you can control your life, that is what makes us so mad, we lose control. Simply get it back by not allowing it to dictate your lifestyle in no form or fashion. You don't hate your life, you hate the inconvenience that cancer has brought to it. The cancer will be gone someday, you'll still be here.....takes about a year to get through all the radiation/surgery/post op chemo...then life has a new outlook, a new zeal, and you are a new person....go into this with an open mind to just get it done and enjoy the little things that will come up during this journey, they are the things that will matter to you while you rid yourself of this mess, then you'll see what I am talking about on the outlook you'll have on life........{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} ...hang in there.....kick a trashcan (plastic) around..helped me until I got control back..........Clift

Hi, Amy,
I saw in one of
Hi, Amy,

I saw in one of your previous posts that you're an artist. I am too.
My partner is johnsfo and he has stage 4 colon cancer with bone mets. His approach is that you can't change the diagnosis, but you can control the way you experience it. That part is a choice.
I'd say treat yourself to some new brushes (personally I'm addicted to Windsor Newton series 7 sable brushes) and get in your studio and focus on getting some of this stuff inside your head outside of your head. Or maybe even just write about it - just to yourself. I find that getting it out like that gives me a feeling of being more in control. It might give you a way to say "I have cancer. It doesn't have me."

The people on this board are wonderful and warm and will welcome you with open arms like a long-lost sibling. We're all here pulling for you and will support you as much as we can. Any time, day or night, and they'll share in the bad days and rejoice with you in the good news.

I'm glad you found it, and hope you'll post some of your work on the expressions page of your profile if you feel comfortable with that.

wishing you strength and tenacity,
Adrian

Hi Amy
Hi Amy,
Yes, we all hate cancer. At the beginning we all struggle so much..... it is the shock of our lives, both for the person diagnosed and for the families (my husband was diagnosed IIIc in January 2009). I am glad you found this board. The people here have been amazing support for us. You are in a great place for medical care as I'm sure you know. My husband is from Newton and we have made many trips to Boston for medical issues for our daughter.
One day at a time is a good way to go when possible. When I'm sitting with my husband and we are just chatting I soak all of it up. I try to be grateful.
We're with you.
Take care.
Aloha,
Kathleen

when will I wake up from this nightmare
Amy had I not seen a picture of my polyp, I would not have believed that I had cancer. I was in to good of shape. I felt all during surgery and treatment that I was in a dream that I couldn't wake up from. I didn't smoke, exercised, was very active. But I ignored the blood in my stool for years. I asked a counselor what if I can't do treatment anymore. She said then you're done, no more treatment. The fact that she said I could stop made me continue. I wish that I would have gotten a second opinion, maybe I could have had surgery laprascopically. I might not have ended up with an ostomy. On the other hand, despite how hard this has been, I've seen my youngest get married, and I'm cancer free. Been so since Feb 2007. I was stage 3, with one lymph node testing positve. You are in charge, always remember this. Chemo was not what I thought it was going to be. It was much easier than I expected, very mild side effects. My hardest part and still is was my reversal.

Tests
Most have given you the actuality of what is going to happen in the near future with tests and all. It is true, once you find out you are subjected to several different tests, procedures, appointments, surgeries, and waiting, etc. I found out December 1, 2008 and have been going to a doctor, or procedure or whatever every week (sometimes 3 in one week) until last week, which was my first week without any appointments or anything. Now this week, I have labs, next week outpatient surgery, and the following week more major surgery. But this is the ending of my treatment so I welcome it. You will get there. Bring your questions, and frustrations here as we can help.

Kim