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OK need a kick up the back side thinking stupid thoughts!

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

.lts 1am in England cant sleep as per usual lm mailing from my phone so apologize for spelling errors etc.lm stage 3c cancer had tumor and infected lymph nodes removed in march then ivf which failed now from june undergoing chemo.recently been diagnosed with severe deppression panic and anxiety disorder.had depression before hand since my mum passed in 07 ten days after l got married was recovering then got cancer.basically my husband is like my carer cooking etc when lm bad but when l try and do things he over protects .me then he says how tired he is getting looking after me l encourage him to go out etc anyway my mood has gone so downhill lm thinking stupid thoughts lm a burden he would be better off without me running off now to the extreme suicide. my doctor has upped my diazpam to 3 times a day lm on full dose of prozac l have a counseller family and friends.but lve come to my second family ie you guys to get my butt into gear yes l need a kick up the butt & l value all your opinions hugs sonia

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

... no one and nothing is worth taking your life over. Life is precious, and you need to be strong, focus on something positive, something that makes you happy, that means something to you. We love you and would not like if something happened to you. Sometimes these anti-depressants make us think stupid thoughts as well, and maybe your meds should be changed, there are reports on some causing suicidal thoughts.

Please don't let what your husband says take over how you feel, you can get through this, I'm sorry to hear he's being unsupportive, but you have ours! I wish I was there to give you some hugs, but we care about you, and you been kicking this cancers butt, so don't give up now! Suicide is something permanent for problems that are only temporary, things will get better, just please focus and think happier thoughts, read a good book, have some tea, relax, maybe take a nice hot bath with a nice glass of wine next to you, just remember, we're all in this together, and you are stronger then this, we're here for you!

Hugsss!
~Donna

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Thank you for you sweet comments and for putting up with me yesterday on facebook :-) I really do feel warmth and love coming from you and everyone on this board.Hugs Sonia

ittapp's picture
ittapp
Posts: 385
Joined: Jun 2009

I am sorry to say that I don't know you Sonia, I am fairly new to this but what I do know is that you said your faith was what has carried you. Please remember that you must push on, you have alot to live for, your husband sounds supportive to me, it just gets tiring for our caregivers at times. Please try and look around you and count your blessings, suicide is not the way...You must push on and stay strong. Talk to your doctors about your medicine and change if you need to. Call a friend and talk to them about your feelings tonight, just know that even though I don't know alot about you, I CARE!!! You are loved, you do matter, God has a purpose for you. God Bless you, Patti

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

We don't know each other but you still reached out to me, and for that I am grateful. I always follow your posts and your journey. Thank you for thinking about me and caring to post.
Hugs Sonia

mommyof2kds's picture
mommyof2kds
Posts: 522
Joined: Mar 2009

HI Sonia, I am sending positive healing your way. I hope for you to feel better and to take one day at a time. Cancer changes our lives and views on alot of things, and it is not easy. It is emotionally and physically exhausting, for us and our caregivers. If you are having suicidal thoughts, I encourage you to let your doc know(whoever prescribed the meds) because that is one of the things that needs to be reported to your doc.. I to have been put on anti-depres. and anti-anx meds since diagnosis. Just know you are not alone and those difficult days will pass. I hope you start feling better soon, we all care about you. Wishing you peace and comfort. God Bless . Petrina

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Petrina,
Another angel coming to my aide, sometimes on this journey it does feel like you are on your own but when I have my second family reaching out to me it does help.
Hugs
Sonia

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eric38's picture
eric38
Posts: 588
Joined: May 2009

Your husband obviously wants you around. That is why he is working so damn hard to keep you alive. All care takers get tired. Cancer takes its toll on everybody. Blame it on the cancer. You are not a burden and I`m sure he does not view you that way. I was worried about being a burden on my family when I was first diagnosed but I found a site on the internet that addressed that issue. It said there are times in life when people need your help and other times when you need theirs. It also stated that helping others is a blessing and if you don`t let people help you then you are depriving them of a blessing. Care takers sometimes get over zealous because they are so concerned. They fail to recognize that thay need to take a break and regroup once in a while for the sake of the people they are helping and themselves. You said your husband is a bit overprotective at times and his intentions are good but I think he might be his own worst enemy - not you. He just needs to learn that there are times when he needs to relax. You are not the burden. I am not trying to say anything negative about him, it sounds like he is taking good care of you. He is just being a mother hen. He obviously loves you very much and I`m sure if the tables were turned you would do the same for him. Imagine how you would feel in his shoes. I`m sure you would get tired and stressed sometimes but you would probably never view him as a burden. I`m sure the same thing goes for him. Trust me - he would be alot more unhappy if you weren`t around. Let`s face it - cancer sucks but it`s nobodys fault and it does not discriminate. Don`t let cancer define who you are or dictate your life. It doesn`t deserve that much credit. Try to enjoy the small things most people neglect and the love of your family. I`m sorry that you have the burden of depression and it is not to be taken lightly and telling someone to be happy is alot easier said than done. I hope that you will find some peace and happiness in the midst of your situation and remember there is always hope for a positive resolution. No matter what the odds are there`s never a zero chance of beating this disease. There are people on this site who started this journey with no hope and a grim prognosis that have beat this or have been living with it for a long time. God bless you and I wish you all the best.

Eric

eric38's picture
eric38
Posts: 588
Joined: May 2009

If you need a big boot to the *** I can do that too. I`m from Texas where everything is big.

Eric

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

big hugs to you eric

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

As a new member to the board for posting and keeping me in your prayers, it's really appreciated.
Hugs to you

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Sonia,

Wow- I've got you beat on being up... it's 1:45 a.m. in California and here I am on the board! I'm worried about you and I agree with what the others have posted so far. I'm going to send you a private email- so check your email if you haven't seen it yet by the time you're reading this.

Take care & God bless-
Lisa

sfmarie's picture
sfmarie
Posts: 605
Joined: Aug 2009

Sonia,

Reach out to friends and family, you have so many people that care about you, you just need to take a deep breathe. I know how difficult this time is, but you will get through this. Stay strong. Keep reaching out like you are and you will get the help you need. I will keep you in my prayers.

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

for your kind words
big hugs

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Thank you so much for your inspirational email it really did lift me up
Will keep on bugging you now for spiritual guidance :-)
hugs

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4912
Joined: May 2005

It's not surprising that you are depressed, the loss of a loved one and/or cancer can certainly cause it. I have battled depression since being dx a long time ago. I have found relief through counseling and medications for anxiety and depression. There are times when I get into the pity party mode and I have had similar thoughts. I have found that going out and doing something I enjoy like taking a walk in the woods or gardening, listening to or playing music, or just going out to a place where there's people, even if I don't interact with them, makes me feel better.

If your husband thought you were a burden I doubt he'd stick around to be brutally honest. I don't mean to sound mean. It does sound to me that he cares for you SO MUCH. I think we sometimes forget what a burden this is on our caregivers. Each of us who have cancer handle it differently, some need a lot of support and other don't. I find what often helps me the most if my helping others.

This board is very often a safe haven where you can share your thoughts and not be judged. It is also a place where you can find support. Please don't give up and give in to the cancer and the craziness that often cames along with the package. If you are not seeing a counselor along with the medication, I highly suggest that you start to see someone. The meds act as a bandaid but the feelings that get you to that place need to be addressed.
hang in there
-phil

ldot123's picture
ldot123
Posts: 276
Joined: Apr 2008

I have also gone through anxiety, doubt and depression. Guess what. I think that is entirely normal all things considered. I have had a huge amount of help from people on this discussion board. They have collectively made me feel better after posting concerns. Counselling can help as can any support groups that might be available to you. I too was diagnosed with stage 3, am currently NED and hope to stay that way. My thoughts and support are with you.

Cheers, Lance

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4912
Joined: May 2005

Possibly try different medications too. It took me 2-3 before I found ones that were right for me

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

For your support

Big Hugs

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

As always you have so many wise things to say and help me, I can't thank you enough for always finding time to respond to my posts.
big hugs

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

In The Netherlands...lol! It's only an hour difference.

It's awful, this cancer. And it REALLY is depressing. And that is from me, Ms. Suzy Sunshine. I found something to laugh about everyday, though...anything from Faulty Towers to Blazing Saddles or MASH. After my second cancer (!) in 6 months, my daughter died while I was away in The Netherlands. Wrongful death. 3 weeks before that, my ex-hubby died (he was a friend, believe it or not). So I came home to 2 estates to manage. WHEW! All of this within the last 4 years...

I guess what I'm saying is that I feel for you, my dear...and all of us have had challenges with this disease. SO you are NOT alone here...and it's a great place to be yourself without having to worry about who will be upset.

Hugs, Kathi

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

A short time ago there were a few of us here that got our shoestrings tied up so Im gonna have to pass on the boot work. But, I know where your coming from, It is seemingly overwhelming at times but you must find a reason for continuance and the smallest things for me were the positives. Just the ability to come in here to find the things that you need when no one else could possibly know what they are beside a survivor is enough to keep me rolling. You have to be strong just to have been through what is already in your past. Use that to your benefit. The world and its people gain knowledge from everything and you are an intricate piece of that puzzle, but when a puzzle piece is lost the puzzle doesn't mean as much to finish anymore. Keep the puzzle whole, be a working viable part of this journey with us to someday wipe this whole cancer thing out. It will happen, and I want to be around to see it when it does, I know you do as well. They learn more and more everyday from people like us because they know we're tough enough to handle it, and eventually there will be a cure. Stick around to help us help you, so that you can help others as well. We love you here, stick around.......Bless you....Clift

Hatshepsut's picture
Hatshepsut
Posts: 340
Joined: Nov 2006

Hello Sonia:

First, by way of full disclosure, I’m a caregiver. My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2006. He was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer at the time of his surgery. His diagnosis was later revised to stage four. He also suffers from heart disease and has survived prostate cancer. He has had three surgeries starting in 2006 and eight months of chemotherapy. He is now 91 years old and he is thriving after some very tough times. Healing in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds happens. I sincerely hope it happens for you and for your family.

As his wife and caregiver, I can tell you that the last three years have been hellish. When someone you love is stricken by this awful disease, every fear you can imagine surfaces. Additionally, there are the extraordinary demands of caring for someone who is battling cancer-- the endless doctor visits, trying to keep up with your job and/or your home, the ER visits during the wee hours of the morning, the frustration in trying to decipher the meaning of medical terms, diagnoses and prognoses, the absolute absurdity of trying to deal with for-profit insurers who have their own bottom line as their focus rather than your loved-one’s recovery and healing. There are many other frustrations too numerous to mention. These have been my frustrations, but I'm sure there is a commonality of experiences with all caregivers--including your husband.

Truly, when cancer strikes, it afflicts the whole family.

I’m sure there have been times when you vent your frustrations. So it is with him . You must remember that the sometimes angry words spoken at those times of frustration don’t diminish the love you have for each other. You both are human beings trying to cope with a very difficult set of circumstances.

My best wishes go out to you both.

Hatshepsut

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

For your kind words of wisdom they really have helped.
Big hugs

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

I feel honoured that I have had a reply from you, thank you for posting
Big hugs

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

You along with everyone else on this board are an amazing person. You have been through so much and you still here for everyone. Thank you so much for your kind words
Hugs

krystle singer's picture
krystle singer
Posts: 109
Joined: Feb 2009

Sonia,
I know about how you feel. I've been taken care of by my super-wonderful husband for a coupleof years. Forst I broke my shoulder and could do nothing for seven months, then was sickd for a year (didn't know I had cancer) and On March 5 had colon resection. Dale, my husband, has been the best support and the best care-giver one could ever want. But sometimes I feel like I'm the alabatross(sp?) around his neck. Those of us with loving supporters aree truly blessed.

It is not surprising to sometimes think that the world would be better off without us who need care, but it ain't so! We have much to give...you are not stupid, just suffering depression.

I'm in Illinois (USA) but am a real Anglophile. Been to England/Scotland three times and loved it.

Hugs and prayers for you!

Sandi

coolvdub's picture
coolvdub
Posts: 410
Joined: Aug 2009

Sonia,
I'm a new member to the site. As the others have said, cancer is tough on the whole family. Just remember your husband does LOVE YOU and wants to help in any way he can. I was at a BBG last night with some friends discussing cancer. My friends dad just finished Chemo for Lymphoma, he is in his 70's. His wife Linda was telling me how hard it was for her and that she thought it would have been easier to handle if she had the cancer. The point I'm making is the fear of the unknown not only affects us as cancer patients, but our loved ones/caregivers as well. Just like us, caregivers need to vent from time to time. Be glad you have a husband that is so honest with his feelings, tell him you love him and thank him for all he does to keep you going. And lastly hang in there, even though I have never met you, the world is a better place with you in it.

Sending positive thoughts and good vibes your way!
Don

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

As a new member for caring and replyting to my post
Big hugs

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Thank you for your kind post, i am fighting my inner demons I can promise you that
Big hugs

karguy's picture
karguy
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

I think you need to change your medication,because your present medication is not working.I'm on medication for depression also.Your husband loves you very much,he just needs to get out for a while.Maybe you two could go out to dinner,and a movie.Believe me suicide is never the answer.Cancer takes a toll on everybody,I will send positive vibes,and prayers.

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Thank you for the positive vibes and prayers.
Big hugs

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi Sonia

I like my friend from jolly ol' England :)

Everyone has already said it so very well...but I just wanted to say that you mean very much to me and everyone else here from what I'm reading, so use all of our love and support to try to get you to the next day.

You and your husband have been through a great deal already so early in life - this is one of those trials of life - but you and your husband will look back one day and say, "if we can make it through that, we can make it through anything."

The passing of your Mom after just getting married...trying to start a new life for yourself...and then finding out you have Cancer - well, it would overwhelm anyone.

Sometimes, during Cancer, people can get angry with each other - I found it's not each other, rather it's the Cancer itself, but we are readily available and so we sometimes take it out on each other. Of course, he loves you very much - he maybe frustrated or worried and sometimes we can act out like we normally don't.

I've often talked about CareGivers, because I think their world has been changed too...it's not easy to watch someone go through all of this - and just living day to day, is challening in and of itself, much less with Cancer.

I like the advice of changing meds, it is amazing how some pills can do good and others can make things worse. Once you find one, I'm sure this will help you immensely. Rest is also important. I've found when the mind is tired, it's much harder to see everything clearly and hard to dig down when you need to. Rest is #1 on my list of cures - remember what I say - the Mind Has to Be Right - To Fight!

I care about you and have always appreciated your kind comments to me and many others here...we cannot think of this board without you :)

It's ok to be sad, mad, and then glad! That's what makes you human.

You and your husband have many good days coming to you - I think it's incredible that the technology exists that all of us from around the globe can stay in touch with each other and try to help as much as we can.

You are totally safe here, in the loving comfort of all our arms :)

Be well, Sonia...your picture is very lovely and you are very pretty...combine that with your intelligence and your wit - it's a knockout combination!

You can always PM me anytime you need to talk :)

I'm going to close with this, which has helped many times in my life with and without Cancer.

Sometimes when life gets very hard, we sometimes wish we could take the EXIT ramp and just leave our troubles behind...I think to a degree everyone has thought this a time or two. What keeps me from these thoughts, is I think to myself, TOMORROW could just be the day that things turn around for me....AND I don't want to miss any of it :)

It's the HOPE in life that is the straw that stirs the drink...without hope, our lives are emptier...hope allows us the chance to see beyond today...and by doing that we survive to fight and live another day...and many more!

Cheerio, Sonia
Big Hugs All the Way Across the Big Pond ((Sonia))

-Craig from TX

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

I'm unofficially adopting you as my online bro. You are so kind and wonderfully supportive as is everyone on this board. Just to update I'm going to the doctors tomorrow to change my anti deppressant medication I have been on them for far to long 5 years now. I'm glad I posted on the board as to how I'm feeling as everyone is going through so much and I'm having dark thoughts, I actually felt ashamed and still do for thinking such things when we are all in this together and fighting. I feel God has given me a second chance (as I have tried self harm in the past) and I have come to this far I'm not going to blow it. Anyway I will keep you all updated. Thank you again for all the prayers, good thoughts, vibes, please keep them coming
Hugs Sonia

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Hey, Sonia.

I was in the hospital for a few days, so I'm sory I didn't see your post until today. I do hope you're feeling better now.

Don't feel like you're a burden to your husband. As so many have already said, your husband really doesn't see you that way.

*hugs*
Gail

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