OK need a kick up the back side thinking stupid thoughts!

Sonia32

mommyof2kds said:

HI Sonia, I am sending
HI Sonia, I am sending positive healing your way. I hope for you to feel better and to take one day at a time. Cancer changes our lives and views on alot of things, and it is not easy. It is emotionally and physically exhausting, for us and our caregivers. If you are having suicidal thoughts, I encourage you to let your doc know(whoever prescribed the meds) because that is one of the things that needs to be reported to your doc.. I to have been put on anti-depres. and anti-anx meds since diagnosis. Just know you are not alone and those difficult days will pass. I hope you start feling better soon, we all care about you. Wishing you peace and comfort. God Bless . Petrina

Glad to know I'm not alone
Petrina,
Another angel coming to my aide, sometimes on this journey it does feel like you are on your own but when I have my second family reaching out to me it does help.
Hugs
Sonia

Sonia32

unknown said:

This comment has been removed by the Moderator

Thank you Kathy
As a new member to the board for posting and keeping me in your prayers, it's really appreciated.
Hugs to you

Sonia32

lisa42 said:

I care
Hi Sonia,

Wow- I've got you beat on being up... it's 1:45 a.m. in California and here I am on the board! I'm worried about you and I agree with what the others have posted so far. I'm going to send you a private email- so check your email if you haven't seen it yet by the time you're reading this.

Take care & God bless-
Lisa

Lisa
Thank you so much for your inspirational email it really did lift me up
Will keep on bugging you now for spiritual guidance :-)
hugs

Sonia32

PhillieG said:

Hi Sonia
It's not surprising that you are depressed, the loss of a loved one and/or cancer can certainly cause it. I have battled depression since being dx a long time ago. I have found relief through counseling and medications for anxiety and depression. There are times when I get into the pity party mode and I have had similar thoughts. I have found that going out and doing something I enjoy like taking a walk in the woods or gardening, listening to or playing music, or just going out to a place where there's people, even if I don't interact with them, makes me feel better.

If your husband thought you were a burden I doubt he'd stick around to be brutally honest. I don't mean to sound mean. It does sound to me that he cares for you SO MUCH. I think we sometimes forget what a burden this is on our caregivers. Each of us who have cancer handle it differently, some need a lot of support and other don't. I find what often helps me the most if my helping others.

This board is very often a safe haven where you can share your thoughts and not be judged. It is also a place where you can find support. Please don't give up and give in to the cancer and the craziness that often cames along with the package. If you are not seeing a counselor along with the medication, I highly suggest that you start to see someone. The meds act as a bandaid but the feelings that get you to that place need to be addressed.
hang in there
-phil

Phil
As always you have so many wise things to say and help me, I can't thank you enough for always finding time to respond to my posts.
big hugs

Sonia32

KathiM said:

I'm just down the street...
In The Netherlands...lol! It's only an hour difference.

It's awful, this cancer. And it REALLY is depressing. And that is from me, Ms. Suzy Sunshine. I found something to laugh about everyday, though...anything from Faulty Towers to Blazing Saddles or MASH. After my second cancer (!) in 6 months, my daughter died while I was away in The Netherlands. Wrongful death. 3 weeks before that, my ex-hubby died (he was a friend, believe it or not). So I came home to 2 estates to manage. WHEW! All of this within the last 4 years...

I guess what I'm saying is that I feel for you, my dear...and all of us have had challenges with this disease. SO you are NOT alone here...and it's a great place to be yourself without having to worry about who will be upset.

Hugs, Kathi

Kathi
You along with everyone else on this board are an amazing person. You have been through so much and you still here for everyone. Thank you so much for your kind words
Hugs

Sonia32

krystle singer said:

Stay with us!
Sonia,
I know about how you feel. I've been taken care of by my super-wonderful husband for a coupleof years. Forst I broke my shoulder and could do nothing for seven months, then was sickd for a year (didn't know I had cancer) and On March 5 had colon resection. Dale, my husband, has been the best support and the best care-giver one could ever want. But sometimes I feel like I'm the alabatross(sp?) around his neck. Those of us with loving supporters aree truly blessed.

It is not surprising to sometimes think that the world would be better off without us who need care, but it ain't so! We have much to give...you are not stupid, just suffering depression.

I'm in Illinois (USA) but am a real Anglophile. Been to England/Scotland three times and loved it.

Hugs and prayers for you!

Sandi

Sandi
Thank you for your kind post, i am fighting my inner demons I can promise you that
Big hugs

Sonia32

karguy said:

Medication
I think you need to change your medication,because your present medication is not working.I'm on medication for depression also.Your husband loves you very much,he just needs to get out for a while.Maybe you two could go out to dinner,and a movie.Believe me suicide is never the answer.Cancer takes a toll on everybody,I will send positive vibes,and prayers.

Karguy
Thank you for the positive vibes and prayers.
Big hugs

Sonia32

Buzzard said:

Sonia.......
A short time ago there were a few of us here that got our shoestrings tied up so Im gonna have to pass on the boot work. But, I know where your coming from, It is seemingly overwhelming at times but you must find a reason for continuance and the smallest things for me were the positives. Just the ability to come in here to find the things that you need when no one else could possibly know what they are beside a survivor is enough to keep me rolling. You have to be strong just to have been through what is already in your past. Use that to your benefit. The world and its people gain knowledge from everything and you are an intricate piece of that puzzle, but when a puzzle piece is lost the puzzle doesn't mean as much to finish anymore. Keep the puzzle whole, be a working viable part of this journey with us to someday wipe this whole cancer thing out. It will happen, and I want to be around to see it when it does, I know you do as well. They learn more and more everyday from people like us because they know we're tough enough to handle it, and eventually there will be a cure. Stick around to help us help you, so that you can help others as well. We love you here, stick around.......Bless you....Clift

Clift
I feel honoured that I have had a reply from you, thank you for posting
Big hugs

Sonia32

Hatshepsut said:

Healing
Hello Sonia:

First, by way of full disclosure, I’m a caregiver. My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2006. He was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer at the time of his surgery. His diagnosis was later revised to stage four. He also suffers from heart disease and has survived prostate cancer. He has had three surgeries starting in 2006 and eight months of chemotherapy. He is now 91 years old and he is thriving after some very tough times. Healing in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds happens. I sincerely hope it happens for you and for your family.

As his wife and caregiver, I can tell you that the last three years have been hellish. When someone you love is stricken by this awful disease, every fear you can imagine surfaces. Additionally, there are the extraordinary demands of caring for someone who is battling cancer-- the endless doctor visits, trying to keep up with your job and/or your home, the ER visits during the wee hours of the morning, the frustration in trying to decipher the meaning of medical terms, diagnoses and prognoses, the absolute absurdity of trying to deal with for-profit insurers who have their own bottom line as their focus rather than your loved-one’s recovery and healing. There are many other frustrations too numerous to mention. These have been my frustrations, but I'm sure there is a commonality of experiences with all caregivers--including your husband.

Truly, when cancer strikes, it afflicts the whole family.

I’m sure there have been times when you vent your frustrations. So it is with him . You must remember that the sometimes angry words spoken at those times of frustration don’t diminish the love you have for each other. You both are human beings trying to cope with a very difficult set of circumstances.

My best wishes go out to you both.

Hatshepsut

Thank you
For your kind words of wisdom they really have helped.
Big hugs

Sonia32

ldot123 said:

You are entitled
I have also gone through anxiety, doubt and depression. Guess what. I think that is entirely normal all things considered. I have had a huge amount of help from people on this discussion board. They have collectively made me feel better after posting concerns. Counselling can help as can any support groups that might be available to you. I too was diagnosed with stage 3, am currently NED and hope to stay that way. My thoughts and support are with you.

Cheers, Lance

Thanks lance
For your support

Big Hugs

Sonia32

sfmarie said:

Caring
Sonia,

Reach out to friends and family, you have so many people that care about you, you just need to take a deep breathe. I know how difficult this time is, but you will get through this. Stay strong. Keep reaching out like you are and you will get the help you need. I will keep you in my prayers.

thank you
for your kind words
big hugs

Sonia32

eric38 said:

Kick
If you need a big boot to the **** I can do that too. I`m from Texas where everything is big.

Eric

kick up the backside appreciated
big hugs to you eric

Sonia32

coolvdub said:

Sonia,
I'm a new member to
Sonia,
I'm a new member to the site. As the others have said, cancer is tough on the whole family. Just remember your husband does LOVE YOU and wants to help in any way he can. I was at a BBG last night with some friends discussing cancer. My friends dad just finished Chemo for Lymphoma, he is in his 70's. His wife Linda was telling me how hard it was for her and that she thought it would have been easier to handle if she had the cancer. The point I'm making is the fear of the unknown not only affects us as cancer patients, but our loved ones/caregivers as well. Just like us, caregivers need to vent from time to time. Be glad you have a husband that is so honest with his feelings, tell him you love him and thank him for all he does to keep you going. And lastly hang in there, even though I have never met you, the world is a better place with you in it.

Sending positive thoughts and good vibes your way!
Don

Thank you Don
As a new member for caring and replyting to my post
Big hugs

Sonia32

Sundanceh said:

YOU Matter Very Much
Hi Sonia

I like my friend from jolly ol' England

Everyone has already said it so very well...but I just wanted to say that you mean very much to me and everyone else here from what I'm reading, so use all of our love and support to try to get you to the next day.

You and your husband have been through a great deal already so early in life - this is one of those trials of life - but you and your husband will look back one day and say, "if we can make it through that, we can make it through anything."

The passing of your Mom after just getting married...trying to start a new life for yourself...and then finding out you have Cancer - well, it would overwhelm anyone.

Sometimes, during Cancer, people can get angry with each other - I found it's not each other, rather it's the Cancer itself, but we are readily available and so we sometimes take it out on each other. Of course, he loves you very much - he maybe frustrated or worried and sometimes we can act out like we normally don't.

I've often talked about CareGivers, because I think their world has been changed too...it's not easy to watch someone go through all of this - and just living day to day, is challening in and of itself, much less with Cancer.

I like the advice of changing meds, it is amazing how some pills can do good and others can make things worse. Once you find one, I'm sure this will help you immensely. Rest is also important. I've found when the mind is tired, it's much harder to see everything clearly and hard to dig down when you need to. Rest is #1 on my list of cures - remember what I say - the Mind Has to Be Right - To Fight!

I care about you and have always appreciated your kind comments to me and many others here...we cannot think of this board without you

It's ok to be sad, mad, and then glad! That's what makes you human.

You and your husband have many good days coming to you - I think it's incredible that the technology exists that all of us from around the globe can stay in touch with each other and try to help as much as we can.

You are totally safe here, in the loving comfort of all our arms

Be well, Sonia...your picture is very lovely and you are very pretty...combine that with your intelligence and your wit - it's a knockout combination!

You can always PM me anytime you need to talk

I'm going to close with this, which has helped many times in my life with and without Cancer.

Sometimes when life gets very hard, we sometimes wish we could take the EXIT ramp and just leave our troubles behind...I think to a degree everyone has thought this a time or two. What keeps me from these thoughts, is I think to myself, TOMORROW could just be the day that things turn around for me....AND I don't want to miss any of it

It's the HOPE in life that is the straw that stirs the drink...without hope, our lives are emptier...hope allows us the chance to see beyond today...and by doing that we survive to fight and live another day...and many more!

Cheerio, Sonia
Big Hugs All the Way Across the Big Pond ((Sonia))

-Craig from TX

Craig / and update
I'm unofficially adopting you as my online bro. You are so kind and wonderfully supportive as is everyone on this board. Just to update I'm going to the doctors tomorrow to change my anti deppressant medication I have been on them for far to long 5 years now. I'm glad I posted on the board as to how I'm feeling as everyone is going through so much and I'm having dark thoughts, I actually felt ashamed and still do for thinking such things when we are all in this together and fighting. I feel God has given me a second chance (as I have tried self harm in the past) and I have come to this far I'm not going to blow it. Anyway I will keep you all updated. Thank you again for all the prayers, good thoughts, vibes, please keep them coming
Hugs Sonia

tootsie1

praying for you
Hey, Sonia.

I was in the hospital for a few days, so I'm sory I didn't see your post until today. I do hope you're feeling better now.

Don't feel like you're a burden to your husband. As so many have already said, your husband really doesn't see you that way.

*hugs*
Gail