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I am sad but still strong !

Stillfighting
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2009

I just turned 20 on the 30th of June, I am the oldest of 5 children and my mom has been fighting her cancer for the past 4 years. I dont know what made me come on here and write, but all i know is I am really scared. The whole cancer thing is new to me and before my mom was diagnosed, I had never met anyone who was fighting cancer. The doctors have told her that if she does not find a bone marrow match (in her case its very difficult) and continues chemotherapy she will only live 2 years. I feel like I am being selfish because I am scared. My mom shows no fear at all and I feel guilty for not being able to fix the situation. Like my mother I am very strong and would never let anyone no I am scared, but I have no one to talk to. I feel like my friends dont understand and that i cant talk to my little brothers or little sister or even my parents because I have to be strong for them. My siblings know I am strong but little do they know I am the most effected by all of this and I am the one who cries alone all the time because all I can think about is how my mom wont see me graduate law school, be at my wedding, celebrate her grandkids life with me. I dont really know were I am going with this, but all I know is that I loose so much sleep and stress so much because I am so scared. I feel so sad because I feel alone. I know she is scared, who wouldnt be? I have not lost hope because hope is all I have, but she is getting worse and worse and so am I.

missde3
Posts: 7
Joined: Jul 2009

Dear Stillfighting...I am so sorry for your pain. I had Hodgkins Lymphoma in my 20's when my kids were young. I've just recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. My youngest, a daughter, is 25 and she was the most affected by this diagnosis. What I can tell you is: keep your chin up. Talk to your mother!!! Tell her about your fears and hopes and dreams. If the communication is open, it will help you a lot. Don't take on the responsibility of trying to fix this - you can't. Please, try to live everyday in a good way. Keep positive - but talking does help. Talk to your mom. Let her know what's going on inside you. Keep the faith...

hodgkoid2003's picture
hodgkoid2003
Posts: 96
Joined: Apr 2009

Stillfighting,

Please know that you are not alone, or that it is not normal to feel the way that you do. I have been on both sides of cancer, patient and caregiver. And recently, left to battle another serious health crisis from the result of treatments that saved my life. The only difference was this time, I had small children to deal with. And this I knew would be difficult to explain to them.

My grandmother, who gets the credit for raising me, was a very private woman when it came to her battles with two different cancers. I recall going through all kinds of emotions. The first time was frustration with her, for not telling me. But the second cancer, we all knew she had, but she never leaned on any of us, and chose to put on the brave face. This was particularly frustrating, because it was between these two cancers, that I faced mine. And when the doctor explained to all of us, how "well" she did with her surgery, and the prospects, I KNEW something was wrong. But, no one else would question it, and I was silenced. I would come to find out, after her passing, that this was the way she wanted things handled. No, it didn't make it easier on me knowing this. But only, after talking with other caregivers, regardless of my own cancer experience (two totally different worlds), did I ever come to find peace.

There are all kinds of "caregiver" boards, including on this web site. It may be worthwhile looking into.

It is often said, that a child should not have to deal with grown up things. While adult in age, you are still so young to have to deal with it.

As far as finding a donor, perhaps it may be worth getting a second opinion, from a totally different network, not necessarily for getting a different diagnosis, but to widen the search for donors. Just a thought.

Paul E., (Hodgkoid2003)

niloo_ajvadi
Posts: 6
Joined: Jun 2009

hello
my name is niloufar and I'm 20 t00.but I don't have this disease. my causin has. he is only 17 years old and is a very kind and nice boy. he is very brave .but two years ago he got this diease but at first his family don't know about it. after understanding they became so anxious about him.but i think there is no where to be abset and worry about it . i don't know whether you belive in God or not. if you belive take all the things easy. don't worry.He created us and he know how to help us .we should look at the things positively. iff you can chat please send me amassage in order to help you more .send your massage to niloo_ajvadi@yahoo.com.
thanks dear

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