I just turned 20 on the 30th of June, I am the oldest of 5 children and my mom has been fighting her cancer for the past 4 years. I dont know what made me come on here and write, but all i know is I am really scared. The whole cancer thing is new to me and before my mom was diagnosed, I had never met anyone who was fighting cancer. The doctors have told her that if she does not find a bone marrow match (in her case its very difficult) and continues chemotherapy she will only live 2 years. I feel like I am being selfish because I am scared. My mom shows no fear at all and I feel guilty for not being able to fix the situation. Like my mother I am very strong and would never let anyone no I am scared, but I have no one to talk to. I feel like my friends dont understand and that i cant talk to my little brothers or little sister or even my parents because I have to be strong for them. My siblings know I am strong but little do they know I am the most effected by all of this and I am the one who cries alone all the time because all I can think about is how my mom wont see me graduate law school, be at my wedding, celebrate her grandkids life with me. I dont really know were I am going with this, but all I know is that I loose so much sleep and stress so much because I am so scared. I feel so sad because I feel alone. I know she is scared, who wouldnt be? I have not lost hope because hope is all I have, but she is getting worse and worse and so am I.