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Angel has died

angelsbaby's picture
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

Angel passed away on april the 16th at 10.55 pm. I was with him when he took his last breath. He was in alot of pain thursday so i called the pain dr she came to my house about 9pm gave him triple the dosage for pain then left he was heavely medicated and then he started breathing less and less till he did not take another breath. I had called the family that tuesday and told them they need to come well they were all coming friday but it was to late by then. I called hospice a few minutes after he passed they came out to the house to verify. I did not have a funeral picked out so angel stayed with me at home til noon the next day the family did make it to our house before they took him but he was already stiff i felt bad i should of had a funeral place picked out but i was to worried about angel at that time . I miss him so much The funeral was at the veterns cemetary at cave creek rd it was beautiful we had a slide show at the funeral home that was very nice too. Angels sisters and mother were making things difficult before the funeral I stayed away from them It was so upsetting to me i should of been the one making the decisions but thats not how it went but it is over now. the family is gone and i have my house back. My son is with me so that helps and my brother in law and sister in law lives a few mile away they have been coming over every weekend to hang out.It has been hard for me it seems like angel is just in the hospital and he will be home soon but he won't be coming home this time. He was suffering til the end I am so sorry for that. I am back to work today it seems weird. My boss paid for the funeral I am so lucky to have a boss that takes care of me and angel knew he would watch out for me. Thank you all for helping me threw this but it is just beginning for me to go on alone

I love him and miss him so much.


Posts: 453
Joined: Aug 2008

My heart is aching for you. The love and care that you gave Angel during his struggle was truly beautiful. You are in my prayers.


dixchi's picture
Posts: 438
Joined: Jun 2008

I am so sorry to hear that Angel is gone;
You were wonderful in the way you took care
of him and I know you deeply miss him. This
is a difficult time and I hope you have warm
and loving friends and family around you to
help through.

Don't know if this is of any help to you but
I just listened to a program on National Public
Radio a few days ago about how in some states
families are allowed to let their family member
remain at home for a time period after death and
they had some of the family members talk about how
much it helped them; they were more able to grieve
and to have closure in a better way. What a
wonderful boss you have; a rare breed.


KathiM's picture
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

You were such a great support for Angel in his time of need. I'm sorry that his mom, et al, was so callous toward you...

But, now, he is safe in your heart, and you know that he is without pain. I kept reminding myself of that when my daughter died. It DOES get easier, and you will always remember him. With a smile...which, I'm certain, he would want you to do.

Give yourself time to grieve, and time to heal. It has been a rough ride for YOU, as well...

My biggest hugs are sent your way, dearsoul...

Hugs, Kathi

kimby's picture
Posts: 804
Joined: Oct 2007

I'm so very sorry for your loss. You are an inspirational lovegiver. Angel was blessed to have you, such a strong and loving wife. I'm sorry you are suffering now. My heart is with you.


VickiCO's picture
Posts: 934
Joined: Oct 2008

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. I know how much you loved Angel, and how you took such wonderful care of him. Thank heaven for your wonderful boss. Let the rest go...as you said, it's over now.

Angel is truly an angel now and will watch over you.

Many hugs and prayers for you, Michelle. It will take time, but your pain will ease. Keep coming here to talk. We need you as much as you need us.


CanadaSue's picture
Posts: 340
Joined: Apr 2006

So very sorry for your loss. I know how you loved Angel, and will miss him.
Just know that he is no longer suffering. He is watching over you from up above.



Annabelle41415's picture
Posts: 6694
Joined: Feb 2009

I'm so sorry for your loss. This has to be such an emotional time in your life. You were such a wonderful caregiver and always there for him. He is at peach now with no pain.
Take the time to grieve and give yourself time. You sound like you have a wonderful boss. My prayers are with you and your family.


Shayenne's picture
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

I wish I was there to hug you hard! Your Angel is now a real angel, and you were one hell of a lovegiver, he is in peace now, and you will have wonderful memories of him, when my mother died, I didn't think I'd ever be able to go on without her, but you do, and you think back to those beautiful memories you both had together. Thank God you have a wonderful boss, you have my sympathies, and I hope now you go on as well with the best memories of him.


msccolon's picture
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

It has been such a rough journey for you, and I know you will come to a day when you are at peace with the loss and happy that Angel is no longer in pain. Right now, you miss him terribly and that is alright! I am actually glad you were alone with Angel when he passed, in light of the way his mother and sister chose to behave after; Angel was able to pass in relative peace. As far as keeping his body at home, that's how it's done around here. The body lies in state at the home for the entire visitation period, then is taken to be buried. The family is able to remember their loved one knowing that their bodily presence is still at home with them. It's not done so much anymore, but you still see it being done often enough for it not to be strange!

Thank God for your wonderful boss, friends and loving family. You will need their strength in the coming days, but I don't doubt that you will eventually come out from under that cloud, with the help of God. Be strong and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

ldot123's picture
Posts: 276
Joined: Apr 2008

Hi Michelle, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It is obvious what a wonderful caregiver you were. I know everyone on the board feels for you. Lance

lisa42's picture
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008


My heart breaks for you. As you said, it is over now, and Angel is no longer in pain- he's resting easy.
It will be you now, going onward in your life. I know it won't be easy for you, but I'm glad your son has been there for you, and that you've had such a wonderful boss.
Try to surround yourself with people who will help lift you up and pull you through. You will surely go through several different stages of grief and recovery. Allow yourself the freedom to feel a variety of emotions over the next few months or even longer. You are still whole and will continue on. Do check in with this board every now and then and let us know how you are.
Know that I will continue to pray for and think of you. By the way, don't feel badly about anything you did or didn't do re. planning the funeral or anything else regarding Angel- you did the best you were able to do, and you were a wonderful caregiver for Angel.


Posts: 118
Joined: Jul 2008

I've been coming here almost daily looking for some news and today my heart felt so heavy, that I knew he had passed. Yet, seeing your note reminded me of how blessed he really was having you and your love, being at home and having friends nearby! I have family that works in hospice and they tell their clients that's common to encounter family issues and that probably more than 80% of those under 65 yrs old don't have funeral arrangements prior to passing....it's hard to grasp needing them before that. Now it's time to take time to grieve and hold fast to fond memories. I was so privaliged to share some of your journey and I thank you for that. I will keep you in my prayers and please visit when and if you can, Manny

nudgie's picture
Posts: 1482
Joined: Sep 2006

Remember the poem, FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND:

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you."
Mary Stevenson

CherylHutch's picture
Posts: 1399
Joined: Apr 2007

Michelle, I am so sorry to hear of Angel's passing and how hard this has been for you throughout this whole period. There are no words that give justice to just how much your love for Angel has shown, even here on this cyberboard. Angel was an incredibly rich man surrounded by love and you were HIS angel.

My heart aches for you because you are suffering the loss of this wonderful man in your life. Let yourself grieve. Do not give yourself a time limit on when you should feel better because grieving is a very personal, individual process. Also, do NOT be afraid to ask for help. This much trauma in your life is bound to have thrown your own system for a loop and that is so normal too. It is not a bad thing to ask for help during this time. Please see your own doctor and let him/her know what you are going through and how you are feeling.

And please, please come back here as often as you want because YOU are part of the CSN family here.

Major healing thoughts and hugs being sent your way!!!


chynabear's picture
Posts: 483
Joined: Jul 2005

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you are going through. I am glad that he is not suffering anymore, but I am sorry that you are now. Please don't leave these boards... especially if it helps you get through. I pray for your peace. You are truely an angel and a great caregiver.

I'm sorry the funeral was difficult. I think maybe that because the roles didn't follow the typical pattern, maybe mom had a harder time and needed to call a few shots? Kids aren't supposed to die before the parents. Obviously, I don't know the entire situation, but he was taken from all. Don't beat yourself up too badly for not having a funeral set up. You had a lot on your plate to handle at the time. In the end, it worked out.



PhillieG's picture
Posts: 4912
Joined: May 2005

I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like at his funeral it was celebration of his life with the slide show and all. You were wonderful to him. I'm sorry he suffered so at the end.

Posts: 206
Joined: May 2005

I am so sorry for your loss Michelle, You were a wonderful caregiver for Angel. I know he will live on in your heart forever. Please take care of yourself, take the time to grieve. I lost my Mother to cancer last year, and all I can say is it does get a little easier over time, I guess, thats what everyone tells me. Please come and talk to us whenever you feel the need. You aren't alone, we are all your friends here.


lizbiz's picture
Posts: 121
Joined: Aug 2008

My deepest sympathies and prayers go out to you and your family. You are a truly amazing person and I'm sure Angel was too. You for seeing him through this and he for going through it with what sounds like such grace.

You will be in my constant prayers.


Monicaemilia's picture
Posts: 455
Joined: Nov 2006

Michelle: I am so very sorry for your loss. Your deep love for him always shone through every message you placed on this board. He was a very lucky man to have you by his side. As others have already said, Angel is now no longer in pain and can get on with his new job, and that is watching over you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Monica

Hatshepsut's picture
Posts: 340
Joined: Nov 2006

Michelle: I don't have the words to express how sorry I am to learn that your beloved Angel is gone. In reading your posts, I've always been struck by your strength and your obvious love for your husband. I'm sure your husband was very moved by your dedication to him and to his care. Take care of yourself during this very hard time.


ADKer's picture
Posts: 150
Joined: Aug 2008

Michelle - I am so sorry for your loss. Your love for Angel has always been apparent in all of your posts. I am not surprised that you are surrounded by supportive and caring family members and boss. Please continue to come here for whatever support we can give.

colon2's picture
Posts: 184
Joined: Feb 2009

The two of you have been in my thoughts and prayers for the last couple of weeks. When you didn't post for a while I was afraid that Angel had gone home. I am so sorry for your loss, but try to take comfort in knowing that you did every thing that you could. Sometimes we just can't fix it, no matter how bad we want to. It is so hard to accept that. Sounds like you have a wondeful boss and many friends to try to help you get thru this. It takes time, Don't try to rush thru the grieving period, no matter how long it takes. If you feel like crying, then cry, or scream or hit the wall if that's what you feel like doing. Try to remember the good times that the two of you had. Go out to the garage and sit on the Motorcycle and remember all the rides the two of you shared. If you know how to ride yourself, then maybe you need to get in the wind and find a straight stretch of road with no traffic and let it go. Whatever you need to do, DO IT. Angel's phsical body is gone, but he lives on in your heart and in your memories. He will always be with you. I will continue to pray for you and I hope you find peace. Please know that we all care about you and would love for you to continue to visit this board, whenever you can.
God Bless you , Carletta

2bhealed's picture
Posts: 2085
Joined: Dec 2001

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

We are left with such a huge hole in our lives when our loved one dies. Words of comfort always seem to fall short.

Give yourself plenty of time and space to grieve.

peace, emily

johnnybegood's picture
Posts: 1122
Joined: Oct 2008

for your loss i am in tears right now but you are a fighter and as time goes on it will get easier.he is at peace now with no more pain.i am so sorry and Godbless.....johnnybegood

tootsie1's picture
Posts: 5065
Joined: Feb 2008

Michelle, I'm so sorry that your Angel is gone. I know you're going to be very lonely and lost for a long time. And I'm really sorry that he suffered so much at the end. I know that was very distressing to you. Please remember, though, that you did your very best for him, and I know he must have been comforted by having you by his side.

I'll be praying for peace in your heart.


Joy1216's picture
Posts: 293
Joined: Mar 2006

I'm so sorry to hear of Angel's death. Your posts show how much you love him and how devoted you were to his care. No one could have done more than you did for him. I want to thank you for letting us share what you went through the last few months. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Kathleen808's picture
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Dear Michelle,
My heart hurts for you right now. I have kept you in my prayers and will continue to do so. Your love for Angel is so strong he will be with you always. You provided him love and courage. I'm very sorry for your loss. I pray that Angel is at peace.

Posts: 881
Joined: Feb 2007

Dear Michelle,

You have all my sympathy for everything that you and Angel went through. Even though you knew this was coming, you are never prepared to lose someone you love as much as you love Angel. I am sorry he was in so much pain the whole time. He is released from that now, but that doesn't help your grief. Please come here to talk if you need to. In the meantime, please know that you and Angel remain in my prayers.

Love and hugs,

Posts: 33
Joined: Feb 2009

I am so sorry to hear your news. That was the same date my brother passed.

Please be assured that you did everything you could and more for him and that is so special. I hope you allow yourself time to grieve, dont ever think you should be keeping yourself busy to take your mind off it all as it will hit you hard when you do slow down.

Try to take care of yourself and stay close to family and friends who can help you through these dark days and the most depressing time of your life. I hope you get some signs from Angel. I didnt believe in it till my brother passed and we have had so many which helps comfort us.

Again, take care of yourself and please know you were an inspiration to all.

Romana xxx

lmliess's picture
Posts: 331
Joined: Dec 2008

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Posts: 278
Joined: Jan 2009

I am so sorry for your loss, you are never alone though you will always have your memories of Angel I know it isnt the same though but you did the best you could
You were there when Angel needed you and helped him to enjoy his life, You need to know he is in peace now, so take care of yourself just remember we are here for you

God bless


Posts: 144
Joined: Jan 2009

Dearest Michelle, I'm still rather new to this site, but have often read your posts. I remember reading the little things you did that truly made him happy...riding his motorcycle and someone following (just in case) the over abundance of care and love you have for him. These are truly trying times, but you are what we need when we are so ill. Your gift to him was staying with him through it all, still loving him no matter what a burden cancer can put on those that care for us. I believe he is in a wonderful place...no pain, no suffering, no worrying...his memories are only the good ones and the people he loves, he remember nothing bad. He will be there waiting...just for you. The spirit is far stronger than our physical being in this truly temporary life. I wish you contentment, peace and strength when your mind wanders, wonders and seeks comfort. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

angelsbaby's picture
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

I just want to say how grateful I am that I came to this board for help and recieved support and encouragement From all of You. I don't think I could of made it threw this. I cry everytime I read all of the post for angel and myself I feel the love from all of you and again thanks for really helping me and angel. I will never love another.


Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007


My heart breaks for you, Please knw I am thinking and praying for you during this very hard time. I believe Angel is with the angels and he is without pain. God Bless you both.


angelsbaby's picture
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

This is very hard for me. Take care


daydreamer110761's picture
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

everyone else, but Michelle, very sorry for your loss. I wish there was something else I could say.


scouty's picture
Posts: 1976
Joined: Apr 2004

I've been on the board for years but just not very active until lately. Your Angel sounds so special, he had to be given your amazing support and love. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I wanted to let you know that I've asked some of our fellow semi-colons that have "gone on before us" to show him the ropes, where the good dancing, food, and parties are etc etc. I also reminded them to save a seat and dance for us!!!!

Lisa P.

Posts: 23
Joined: Sep 2006

Hi Michelle
I just wanted you to know that you will never be alone.There are those of us that are friend to those's who have loved one's who are very sick just as Angel, and although this may not lessin your pain or make you miss him any less, just alway's remeber that god is never surprised by what we are going through or by what's about to accour in our life's. Even though it's very sad your loss,and I want you to know I'm praying for & up lifting you continually as are many other's.God has equiped you with more wisdom, temperance,knowledge,patients, and above all a great testimony.Someone is going to need to hear how you made it to this point.All that is positive all that the times you thought you wern't gona make it.But today your still standing tall.God has surounded you was lovingkindness through your boss and many other's. keep your head up, cry when you need too and continue to encourage other's. God Bless you richly.


Posts: 166
Joined: Jul 2005

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

jillpls's picture
Posts: 241
Joined: Mar 2008

I am sorry. I know it's really hard to say goodbye to someone so close. I hope you find peace and reach out to others. Let them help you. Find a group counceling and order the book "Getting to the other side of Grief-Overcoming the loss of a Spouse" by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries. My friend who just lost his wife to lung cancer last month said this book was good. Take care and hang in there.

Posts: 1961
Joined: Aug 2003

Dear Michelle,

My heartfelt condolences go out to you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. You and Angel are in my thoughts and prayers.


angelsbaby's picture
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

are so awesome.


impactzone's picture
Posts: 542
Joined: Aug 2006

I am so sorry. I read everything you wrote and feel so much for you.

Posts: 15
Joined: Jan 2008

I am so sorry for your loss,Your love and support for Angel was amazing,Please take care of yourself, God bless you, Judy

angelsbaby's picture
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

chip and judy I just miss him so


CherylHutch's picture
Posts: 1399
Joined: Apr 2007

Michelle... you are going to miss him for quite some time and that is totally understandable. Actually, it wouldn't surprise me if you miss him for the rest of your life because he has been such a huge part of your life. Trust me, everyone here totally understands where you are coming from when you say you miss him so much.

You are never going to forget him... but time has an incredible way of healing the pain. No, time doesn't make you "forget", your memories are yours to keep... but it takes time to smooth off the rough, raw edges of pain. Eventually, you are going to realize that although you still miss him, you aren't in as much raw pain. You aren't breaking into tears when you think of him. You'll even be able to touch something that was his and smile at the sweet memories it brings back... all with no pain.

This happens when any of us has a traumatic event in our lives. Our brains/minds are incredibly strong tools that will do everything needed to protect us from the raw pain/fear/terror that some events in our lives cause. Taking an example that is so not related, but works the same way... childbirth. For any woman who has been through it, the pain can be described as one of the worst physical pains a body has to endure (and husbands, if you value your safety, you will want to be very, very careful what you say to your wives during childbirth ). But isn't it amazing that once that bundle of joy comes into the world, the mind starts smoothing over the memory of that pain. You remember the pain, you know it was the worst think ever, but as time goes by well, maybe it wasn't quite all that bad. Maybe I will have another child. And then a little later, there's no doubt you'd have another child. Again... you haven't forgotten the experience, it's all there in your memory... but time has eased the "pain" and left you with the wonderful memories.

So give yourself time, my friend. What you are going through right now where you really think it can't get any worse and you are never going to be happy again... time will heal and I promise you will feel better again and every day will not be as painful as it is now.

Be good to yourself. Remind yourself that you have been through a horribly traumatic time and it will take some time for the dust to all settle. But settle it will and you will be left with wonderful memories... only the pain will be taken away.



angelsbaby's picture
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

Its a hard time now but i know it will get better for me. Well i already had to make a big decision not that big the saturn needed tires now angel always took care of that him being a mechanic and all . so now i need tires the wire was already showing so i called big o and the quoted me 220.00 out the door so i went to discount tire and told a little white lie i said big o quoted me 190.00 so discount tire said 190.00 so I was proud of myself and angel would be too. now the windshield cracked really bad so i called the insurance and today i have a new windshield. So I know i can do this I have to.


Shayenne's picture
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

Michelle, I was 16 when I lost my mother to leukemia, who I was so close too. She died on a Father's Day, June 21, 1981, I will never forget the scream that came out of me when she passed...she died just 19 days after her diagnosis, and I never got to say goodbye, she was in the hospital, and my father and aunts wouldn't let me see her at the end, or talk to her, I so resented that, and still do, but I actually was so angry when she passed that I hit some sliding doors we had to the bedroom and they fell off the hinges! I was mad for a very long time with God, with the world! everything and everyone! but later in life, I did eventually recover, and still have wonderful memories of her, I don't even think of her at the wake, but I remember her when she was alive and strong, and don't ever go back to her being sick, I still dream about her, I feel like she actually tries to communicate to me through my dreams, and little things that happen, like signs, of her being around, it has comforted me, I know it sounds weird, I'm sorry, but I really believe there is life after death, their energy is still present, and I sometimes can still feel her around me.

Enough of this babble, but she has been in my dreams ALOT lately, since I've been sick, and I think and hope it's a way of her telling me she is still here. I will never forget how traumatic it was too lose her, but let's just say, all I can do is smile now thinking about her, no more tears, well, maybe a few because I miss her, but here I am 28 years after her death and still would never forget her, but will remember the good times, always.

Hugsssss to you!

angelsbaby's picture
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

Donna i too lost my mom to brain cancer in 1981 i was 24 and like you i felt thaT way but i don't anymore about my mom and you are lucky to have those dreams I am waiting to see angel again.


sharpy102's picture
Posts: 370
Joined: Apr 2009

@Donna: well...you wrote how I feel right now...although I was nowhere in 1981 June, but I am almost 16 (younger) and my mom has a month left...and right now, I feel the same, what you have felt back then. I feel God is mean...and I catch myself hating everything, and everybody. I know it's not good...and I try to force myself not to think this way, but it does come out. Sometimes, I wish she just died of a car accident, or heart attack...I wouldn't see her suffer...but on the other hand, I think the same as you said, that if that was the case, I never would've had time to say goodbye to her. Lately, I realized, it's better if we don't think! It is horrible to think! Because then my mind is always on mom...I will be sooo alone...

@Michelle: sorry, I cannot say anything too encouraging...but I'm sure that he will always be watching you, and once you get through this sadness, you will catch yourself hearing him, and you'll realize he will be with you, so you won't be alone. And although, I'm afraid I will be alone too, but I always tell myself the same what I wrote you. I won't be alone.No! What will be the difference? Nothing! Just because us, humans, are attached to crappy physical things that's why we get "depressed" if one leaves...we tend to forget that their soul is going to be with us! And that we probably will have more time to be with them than before...or at least, I hope so. This is what I tell myself...maybe it won't help you any...maybe it will...maybe it won't help me either...maybe it will. I cannot write anything smart...I guess that's the huge difference between us and grown-ups. They can write a lot smarter...but one more thing: I decided the other day as I was sitting by my mom's bed that no matter how my life will end up, and no matter what profession I will choose, I will want to do things that will make me happy. I don't need a house of my own, I don't need a car, I don't need computer, or TV (currently, we don't have any of these). All I want that will make me happy...very happy. And all I want to do in my life is smile, and laugh...laugh at life.


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