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Sorry I need to vent, confused about alot.

FAPMom47
Posts: 68
Joined: Feb 2009

Good Day, I know my day will be long. And getting so frustrated, can't find any kinda support. My family is in Cleveland,except for the one person that meant the world to me, my Hero Mom. I have famiky in Shelby N.C. but feel like a burden to everyone. I lost the old me and I really hate it. I was an active person and had friends, now I hate going in public. I am an enbarrasment to me family. Maybe the subject should have been "felling sorry for myself"
Sorry I wasted your time.

Much Love and Prayers
Jackie

shoppergal
Posts: 118
Joined: Mar 2009

It's ok to have that pity party for yourself within limits!! You have to realize you are here and that great,you have a husband and childen who love you. Why would you feel like you can't go out and that you're an embarassment? If you're feeling that down, talk to your dr there are things that can be done.This board is here as well as I am to be a support for you. You can also look for a support group in your area,so you can talk to people who are going thru similar things as you are. Any time you need to vent, scream, cry, or just talk, I'll be here for you. You can always email me directly. Keep the faith!

FAPMom47
Posts: 68
Joined: Feb 2009

I thank you. I just went to my dr. and he took me off some meds. We don't have anyone around here like me. I just feel like an outcast. I know I am not just having on of those moments.
Much Love and Hugs

Jackie

my e-mail is ladybug28150@yahoo.com

when I am looking things up I and listen to music.
God Bless You

kmygil
Posts: 881
Joined: Feb 2007

Why do you feel that you are an embarrassment to your family? You are a unique individual going through hard times. As long as you're making the effort to get back on your feet and get on with things, you embarass no one. Don't be afraid of going in public. You are a warrior with battle scars. Be proud and look for the old you; she's in there somewhere, just a little slower than she was before.

Hugs and prayers,
Kirsten

FAPMom47
Posts: 68
Joined: Feb 2009

Thank you I am working on it hard.

Much Loves and Hugs
Jackie

VickiCO's picture
VickiCO
Posts: 934
Joined: Oct 2008

I think we all know how you feel, and have felt it ourselves in varying degrees. But I echo what others have said - you are an embarrassment to NO ONE. You are living with cancer, that part is different from the 'old you.' But you are still Jackie. Talk to your doctor. Get help for this. And know that you never waste our time. That's what we are here for.

many {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}} Vicki

FAPMom47
Posts: 68
Joined: Feb 2009

I thank you for being here for me. I have seen a dr. and he took some meds away. I don't know why. I know I am here for a reason. Hope to get friends added to my profile. I will keep in touch with all.

Much Love and Prayers
Jackie

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4906
Joined: May 2005

Jackie, I took a peek at your profile and you have been dealing with this for a long time. I know how you feel in many ways, I have been at it a long time too. I miss the Old Me at times but I also love the New Me. The one who stops to look at the sunrise or sunset, that will take a kayak ride at midnight, that will pay for a strangers bus fare when I go in the city for chemo. The one who sees with new eyes. Sure, it sucks at times and I have pity parties too, there's nothing wrong with that. I would find it strange if one didn't feel that way at times. I do not see how you could be an embarrassment to anyone, especially family. Maybe they have a hard time telling you how strong and how proud they are of you.

I was in a deep funk a few months ago, it just takes time sometimes but it will pass. Give yourself the credit you deserve and also give yourself a break. What we all do here isn't easy at all. We are all heroes.
Be well and always feel free to post
-phil

FAPMom47
Posts: 68
Joined: Feb 2009

Thank you I do understand what you are saying. I have to be stronge to fight with the "C", I just will learn to live with it. It's hard with summer comimg and everyone tanning, except me.
I will dig out soon.

Much Love and Prayers
Jackie

usakat's picture
usakat
Posts: 625
Joined: Jul 2006

Hello Jackie ~

Cancer comes into our lives unannounced and sometimes it feels like it completely rearranges us and our lives. It can truly throw us off balance and at times it can be very hard to rediscover our equilibrium. What we as survivors must endeavor to do is live our lives in spite of cancer - that is where the power lies.

Here is a little inspiration for you:
Survivor Movie

Something my parents taught me about life is this: There are many things in life I do not get to choose or get to control, but what makes the difference is how I choose to deal with them. I didn't choose cancer, who would, but I do get to choose how I live with it.

The following is a post I made to my Blog last summer when I was dealing with a stomach cancer scare - thankfully I was diagnosed with pseudo-signet ring cells in my stomach that are not malignant, even though they look like signet ring cell cancer:


I attended Carl Sandburg Junior High School and had a teacher who had a poster of a Cheshire cat with a caption that read, YOUR ATTITUDE IS SHOWING. I really liked the poster because I'm a cat lover, and it was a cute and colorful poster that appealed to my 1970's pre-teen sensibilities.

The last several days lots of people who support and encourage me, including my doctors, have told me I have a great attitude. I do indeed appreciate the words of encouragement, but what is the alternative? A bad attitude?

Former White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, who died last month of metastatic colon cancer at age 53 said, "Attitude is real important. Why sit around and bemoan your fate? Go ahead and get in there. And while you're at it, enjoy every moment that you're alive."

I agree with Tony. No amount of whining or moaning is going to change my cancer diagnosis, and for me, letting myself fall into a dark place of worry, fear, resentment, hopelessness and despair would only serve to exhaust my energy sources in a negative way. It would deprive me of the life I do have, a life that includes cancer. The longer I am alive the more I believe that good energy begets good energy and negative energy begets negative energy. I have also realized there are many things in life I cannot control or choose for myself, like cancer, but I do have a choice in how I think and feel about them, and how I react to them.

I decided during my first cancer that I would never ask the questions that have no answers; Why me? How long will I live? Am I going to die from cancer? My only response is why not me? And yep, I will eventually die of something. It's part of the deal I made made when I was born.

I understand and accept there are certain things about life I am not supposed to know, that I am to go ahead and live life like an explorer. I believe it's a natural process to discover the meaning of life along the way as I live it, otherwise what would be the point of living? In Buddhism it's the way to achieve a higher level of consciousness.

I fully accept that I cannot change the past, rework my DNA, or erase any bad choices I made that may have hastened my cancer, like an affinity for BBQ potato chips, red and black licorice, and Diet Coke. I cannot change the fact that cancer is a part of my life. I can only live with it in the present, and not worry about it being a part of my future. With a smile on my face and joy in my soul, I choose to live for today and enjoy all that I do have right this moment. I am alive, I am happy, and today is the only day that truly matters. Today I would much rather be happy and hear laughter than be sad and hear tears. As for tomorrow? What will be, will be.

"I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes, so live not in your yesterdays, not just for tomorrow, but in the here and now. Keep moving and forget the post mortems; and remember, no one can get the jump on the future." ~ Carl Sandburg, Poet

Sunny Side of the Street

Louis Armstrong...what a cool cat!

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4906
Joined: May 2005

I think we all are heroes, albeit reluctant ones maybe. People comment to me very often about "how do I do it" and they say "Well I could never do that". I think we all have about 3 options when you get cancer.
1: It goes away
2: You fight like hell
3: You give up and go away
When one gets backed into a corner one finds out they have few choices. I have no intention of giving up at this time at all. I still have young kids at home for one thing.

Yes, we all have the big "C" so let's Conquer it!

Kat - Great post and I agree with what your parents taught you. That is the only thing we have control over. How we handle things. Sometimes one has to go through things, not around them.

I agree about the Man, you gotta love Louie, the Father of Jazz. He may have not played notes the fastest, but he certainly played the right notes. From listening to him, I've learned that less is often more with my guitar playing.

Keep up the fight, best wishes and prayers to us all
-phil

colon2's picture
colon2
Posts: 184
Joined: Feb 2009

We cannot control the things that happen to us, only our responses to them. Cancer is something none of us chose, but we have it. We can give up or we can fight. I choose to fight, and i know you will too. It is perfectly fine to have a few days of feeling down, but then we have to get back in the fight, We all have loved ones who need us, and when we think we just can't take anymore, then we fight for them. So try to stay strong, think positive thoughts and remember, we are all in this with you. We will be here for you, whenever you need us.
God Bless You,Carletta

jenben59
Posts: 144
Joined: Jan 2009

I was a "mess" when I first found out about my cancer in December. I didn't know what to do and didn't know a thing about cancer. I was scared and depressed until I found this site. The people here are great and those that have had there cancer a long time are informative, understanding and give hope. I feel if they can go through all the chemo and surgeries (and everything else) I can too. I do understand "feeling sorry for yourself" I feel that way at times too. I ask myself, Why me? What did I do wrong? This is a great place to vent...they understand. I'm thinking of you and will pray for you.

tiny one
Posts: 467
Joined: Jan 2009

Jackie. I'm sending a hug to you. You are not an embarrasment to your family. Don't be afraid of going out in public. You have fought the battle with Cancer. I to felt like I lost the old me, but she has come back. She was the one with the temper and when she came back everyone just move out of my way. I saw a Woman on TV she had a baby. She became sick shortly after the birth. She had a flesh eating infection. She lost both her arms and legs. She was determined to go home and be with her family and she did. I was amazed by her strength, courage and determination. Never give up. Please seek out a support group they can be like your second family. God bless You didn't waste my time at all.

FAPMom47
Posts: 68
Joined: Feb 2009

Thank you for the advice. I am looking for a support group so I can vent and get me back.
Many Hugs and Prayers
Jackie

kimby's picture
kimby
Posts: 804
Joined: Oct 2007

Jackie,

I live in a rural area where we have trouble keeping a support group going. I have found that I just dont want to make the trip to the city every week for an hour meeting. Have you tried the chat room here on CSN? We talk about everything (sometimes even canzer) and it is open to all types of canzer survivers and caregivers. I have found it to be quite helpful and have made friends in a very real way. It has worked well for me. Hope to see you there sometime.

Kimby

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Jackie,

It's never a waste of time to express your feelings. We've all been there, at one time or another. But PLEASE, do not feel like you're an embarrassment to anybody. Yes, you're different, and I know you'll always feel different, but you're still you, too. I want you to get a piece of paper right now and write down all your good qualities. Don't tell me you can't think of anything! I'm sure you're important and special to the people in your life. You need to feel special to yourself, too.

*hugs*
Gail

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6347
Joined: Feb 2009

I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. I know that I too have my moments where I feel like I'm the only one going through this struggle and how alone I feel and like no one knows exactly what I'm feeling. I cry, or become very quiet, or get mad, and a lot of times I just pray for comfort. After awhile I'm better and trying to see the positive in things. It's ok to have a pity party but if it gets to be too often you should go see someone. I can't see why you said you would be an embarassment to your family. Try talking with them and tell them how you feel.

Hope you feel better soon. Kim

jerseykat
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2009

I felt like I was reading about myself. I too, used to be very active and fun-loving. But it has been really hard for me to be that way now. My family says I just need to find a hobby, or something I enjoy, but nothing sounds fun. I can't get undepressed! I should be happy, cause I received good news about my cancer, but I don't feel happy. I keep hoping it is the femora (meds) that I am on.

kimby's picture
kimby
Posts: 804
Joined: Oct 2007

I'm so glad you came out of hiding to introduce yourself. If you have been around reading very long, you know I'm the queen of FUN. I don't do anything that's not fun, especially canzer! But, you don't get there overnight. It takes time. Getting good news helps, but it won't make you happy. A hobby can distract you and is a great idea. It may not make you happy. I do have some suggestions, if you don't mind?

First, many years ago I started a gratitude journal. It is an amazing thing. You need a piece of paper and a pen. Every night before bed I'd write 5 things that I was grateful for that day. I found that I was suddenly looking all day long for things to write that evening. Being grateful became a habit. Now, I see joyful things all around me.

I have one rule for myself - I do something fun every.single.day. Seriously. When I'm sick that may mean a friend tells me a joke or my son makes me smile. That can be enough on those days. MAKE yourself laugh. A fake laugh releases those same endorphins as a real one. Or, watch stand-up comedians on tv, stupid funny movies, have someone tell you goofy stories or dance around the room.

Go for a walk. It doesn't have to be very long but it helps. Seems silly, but not worse than my other suggestions! LOL

Give yourself time. Step by step things get better. I agree with the hobby but I think it should be a hobby that involves helping others. Volunteer at a hospital, school, or animal facility. Give a canzer awareness speech or get involved with advocacy. Find a passion.

I know you don't want to do any of that right now. Forcing yourself still works. Just know we care and will do what we can to help.

Kimby

ninetoes's picture
ninetoes
Posts: 81
Joined: Jun 2009

Jackie,

I'm new to this site and it has been the best thing for me. I start my first Chemo today and I came here for support. You are not alone, we all have pity parties from time to time. Never feel like you are an embarrassment, you are a survivor and things will get better!!

Good luck and come back here often.

Dave

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