Sorry I need to vent, confused about alot.

Hold up there!
Why do you feel that you are an embarrassment to your family? You are a unique individual going through hard times. As long as you're making the effort to get back on your feet and get on with things, you embarass no one. Don't be afraid of going in public. You are a warrior with battle scars. Be proud and look for the old you; she's in there somewhere, just a little slower than she was before.

Hugs and prayers,
Kirsten

YOU are OKAY!!!
Hello Jackie ~

Cancer comes into our lives unannounced and sometimes it feels like it completely rearranges us and our lives. It can truly throw us off balance and at times it can be very hard to rediscover our equilibrium. What we as survivors must endeavor to do is live our lives in spite of cancer - that is where the power lies.

Here is a little inspiration for you:
Survivor Movie


Something my parents taught me about life is this: There are many things in life I do not get to choose or get to control, but what makes the difference is how I choose to deal with them. I didn't choose cancer, who would, but I do get to choose how I live with it.

The following is a post I made to my Blog last summer when I was dealing with a stomach cancer scare - thankfully I was diagnosed with pseudo-signet ring cells in my stomach that are not malignant, even though they look like signet ring cell cancer:


I attended Carl Sandburg Junior High School and had a teacher who had a poster of a Cheshire cat with a caption that read, YOUR ATTITUDE IS SHOWING. I really liked the poster because I'm a cat lover, and it was a cute and colorful poster that appealed to my 1970's pre-teen sensibilities.

The last several days lots of people who support and encourage me, including my doctors, have told me I have a great attitude. I do indeed appreciate the words of encouragement, but what is the alternative? A bad attitude?

Former White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, who died last month of metastatic colon cancer at age 53 said, "Attitude is real important. Why sit around and bemoan your fate? Go ahead and get in there. And while you're at it, enjoy every moment that you're alive."

I agree with Tony. No amount of whining or moaning is going to change my cancer diagnosis, and for me, letting myself fall into a dark place of worry, fear, resentment, hopelessness and despair would only serve to exhaust my energy sources in a negative way. It would deprive me of the life I do have, a life that includes cancer. The longer I am alive the more I believe that good energy begets good energy and negative energy begets negative energy. I have also realized there are many things in life I cannot control or choose for myself, like cancer, but I do have a choice in how I think and feel about them, and how I react to them.

I decided during my first cancer that I would never ask the questions that have no answers; Why me? How long will I live? Am I going to die from cancer? My only response is why not me? And yep, I will eventually die of something. It's part of the deal I made made when I was born.

I understand and accept there are certain things about life I am not supposed to know, that I am to go ahead and live life like an explorer. I believe it's a natural process to discover the meaning of life along the way as I live it, otherwise what would be the point of living? In Buddhism it's the way to achieve a higher level of consciousness.

I fully accept that I cannot change the past, rework my DNA, or erase any bad choices I made that may have hastened my cancer, like an affinity for BBQ potato chips, red and black licorice, and Diet Coke. I cannot change the fact that cancer is a part of my life. I can only live with it in the present, and not worry about it being a part of my future. With a smile on my face and joy in my soul, I choose to live for today and enjoy all that I do have right this moment. I am alive, I am happy, and today is the only day that truly matters. Today I would much rather be happy and hear laughter than be sad and hear tears. As for tomorrow? What will be, will be.

"I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes, so live not in your yesterdays, not just for tomorrow, but in the here and now. Keep moving and forget the post mortems; and remember, no one can get the jump on the future." ~ Carl Sandburg, Poet

Sunny Side of the Street

Louis Armstrong...what a cool cat!

usakat said:

YOU are OKAY!!!
Hello Jackie ~

Cancer comes into our lives unannounced and sometimes it feels like it completely rearranges us and our lives. It can truly throw us off balance and at times it can be very hard to rediscover our equilibrium. What we as survivors must endeavor to do is live our lives in spite of cancer - that is where the power lies.

Here is a little inspiration for you:
Survivor Movie


Something my parents taught me about life is this: There are many things in life I do not get to choose or get to control, but what makes the difference is how I choose to deal with them. I didn't choose cancer, who would, but I do get to choose how I live with it.

The following is a post I made to my Blog last summer when I was dealing with a stomach cancer scare - thankfully I was diagnosed with pseudo-signet ring cells in my stomach that are not malignant, even though they look like signet ring cell cancer:


I attended Carl Sandburg Junior High School and had a teacher who had a poster of a Cheshire cat with a caption that read, YOUR ATTITUDE IS SHOWING. I really liked the poster because I'm a cat lover, and it was a cute and colorful poster that appealed to my 1970's pre-teen sensibilities.

The last several days lots of people who support and encourage me, including my doctors, have told me I have a great attitude. I do indeed appreciate the words of encouragement, but what is the alternative? A bad attitude?

Former White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, who died last month of metastatic colon cancer at age 53 said, "Attitude is real important. Why sit around and bemoan your fate? Go ahead and get in there. And while you're at it, enjoy every moment that you're alive."

I agree with Tony. No amount of whining or moaning is going to change my cancer diagnosis, and for me, letting myself fall into a dark place of worry, fear, resentment, hopelessness and despair would only serve to exhaust my energy sources in a negative way. It would deprive me of the life I do have, a life that includes cancer. The longer I am alive the more I believe that good energy begets good energy and negative energy begets negative energy. I have also realized there are many things in life I cannot control or choose for myself, like cancer, but I do have a choice in how I think and feel about them, and how I react to them.

I decided during my first cancer that I would never ask the questions that have no answers; Why me? How long will I live? Am I going to die from cancer? My only response is why not me? And yep, I will eventually die of something. It's part of the deal I made made when I was born.

I understand and accept there are certain things about life I am not supposed to know, that I am to go ahead and live life like an explorer. I believe it's a natural process to discover the meaning of life along the way as I live it, otherwise what would be the point of living? In Buddhism it's the way to achieve a higher level of consciousness.

I fully accept that I cannot change the past, rework my DNA, or erase any bad choices I made that may have hastened my cancer, like an affinity for BBQ potato chips, red and black licorice, and Diet Coke. I cannot change the fact that cancer is a part of my life. I can only live with it in the present, and not worry about it being a part of my future. With a smile on my face and joy in my soul, I choose to live for today and enjoy all that I do have right this moment. I am alive, I am happy, and today is the only day that truly matters. Today I would much rather be happy and hear laughter than be sad and hear tears. As for tomorrow? What will be, will be.

"I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes, so live not in your yesterdays, not just for tomorrow, but in the here and now. Keep moving and forget the post mortems; and remember, no one can get the jump on the future." ~ Carl Sandburg, Poet

Sunny Side of the Street

Louis Armstrong...what a cool cat!

To Jackie and USA Kat
I think we all are heroes, albeit reluctant ones maybe. People comment to me very often about "how do I do it" and they say "Well I could never do that". I think we all have about 3 options when you get cancer.
1: It goes away
2: You fight like hell
3: You give up and go away
When one gets backed into a corner one finds out they have few choices. I have no intention of giving up at this time at all. I still have young kids at home for one thing.

Yes, we all have the big "C" so let's Conquer it!

Kat - Great post and I agree with what your parents taught you. That is the only thing we have control over. How we handle things. Sometimes one has to go through things, not around them.

I agree about the Man, you gotta love Louie, the Father of Jazz. He may have not played notes the fastest, but he certainly played the right notes. From listening to him, I've learned that less is often more with my guitar playing.

Keep up the fight, best wishes and prayers to us all
-phil

I know how you feel...
I was a "mess" when I first found out about my cancer in December. I didn't know what to do and didn't know a thing about cancer. I was scared and depressed until I found this site. The people here are great and those that have had there cancer a long time are informative, understanding and give hope. I feel if they can go through all the chemo and surgeries (and everything else) I can too. I do understand "feeling sorry for yourself" I feel that way at times too. I ask myself, Why me? What did I do wrong? This is a great place to vent...they understand. I'm thinking of you and will pray for you.

You're special
Jackie,

It's never a waste of time to express your feelings. We've all been there, at one time or another. But PLEASE, do not feel like you're an embarrassment to anybody. Yes, you're different, and I know you'll always feel different, but you're still you, too. I want you to get a piece of paper right now and write down all your good qualities. Don't tell me you can't think of anything! I'm sure you're important and special to the people in your life. You need to feel special to yourself, too.

*hugs*
Gail

I felt like I was reading about myself. I too, used to be very active and fun-loving. But it has been really hard for me to be that way now. My family says I just need to find a hobby, or something I enjoy, but nothing sounds fun. I can't get undepressed! I should be happy, cause I received good news about my cancer, but I don't feel happy. I keep hoping it is the femora (meds) that I am on.

Sorry your down
Jackie,

I'm new to this site and it has been the best thing for me. I start my first Chemo today and I came here for support. You are not alone, we all have pity parties from time to time. Never feel like you are an embarrassment, you are a survivor and things will get better!!


Good luck and come back here often.

Dave