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Update on husband

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

well he is hanging in there, has not been vomiting every minute but may vomit once or twice a day but for the most he is eating a little but is still weak and dizzy had the pain pump reduced again last week, blood pressure low hospice nurse said it may be the pain pump so we went back and they ajusted again he has 3 meds in the pump dulated clonodine and something else i can't remember.But he can only walk a short distance he get winded, but he did go to the gargage and start the harley sat on it and pulled it up sat for a few minutes then turned it off and went and layed down. he won't be riding anymore i think and that really makes him so sad.He has been more emotional lately. the bag the pump his nausea feeling all the time he is tired but as long as i have him i will cherish it and be his caregiver.So we will continue with what we have been doing and go from there.He still gets the iv fluid 3 x week at home by the hospice nurse so we will see. I Know my husband is scared about dying I wish i had the right words but i get choked up. and then i forget i just tell him i love him and it will be ok. Still working, his mom and dad are there during the day and i get home and hang out with him .I just wished the chemo worked for him but it did not. Thank You all for the prayers
love michelle

johnnybegood's picture
johnnybegood
Posts: 1122
Joined: Oct 2008

glad to hear he is a little better.started my chemo today and now have a fanny pack for 2 days,im a little dizzy so far.i know how your husband feels and that is one of the reasons i am down so much. i love to ride too but my ride is my first horse.always wanted one since i was a little girl.got the oportunity to have my dream a log home and not 1 but3 horses!!.mine is a paint who has a lot of spunk in him and is just a big kid.being dx with this cancer i just cant get out there and handle him the way i need to.it breaks my heart and even more to think i would have to get rid of him.tell your husband to just hang in there and maybe someday we can both say "ride baby ride"Godbless.......johnnybegood

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Hi Michelle,
My heart is heavy for both of you. It is good that Angel has you with him in the evenings. I can just imagine you taking every moment with him and holding on to it. My prayers are with both of you. I am praying that he does well with the reduced pain meds.
With Aloha,
Kathleen

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

To the both of you I wish in my heart I could do more , I do pray for you and others everyday. Have you both talked with a Minister and let him maybe console or comfort the both of you ? That will make a lot of things easier for you both. It may make the both of you more comfortable having someone to talk with about this...My sincere apology if Im intruding on beliefs but I have seen the comfort that a Minister brings to families in sadness. I speak to our Father every night and hardly ever ask for anything for myself but for everything for my friends. He makes me feel better about what I am going through because I trust He is listening and to believe in Him gives you the opportunity for Eternal Life in His Kingdom. Just know that the both of you will be in my thoughts and prayers as long as it takes and in hoping the both of you find peace...We all love you guys....God Bless you both.......

snommintj's picture
snommintj
Posts: 602
Joined: Mar 2009

Please know that I and everyone who reads your post has the sincerest sympathy for your situation. I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to assuage you. All I can say is find some one in your area that has a harley with a side car. Contact your local motorcycle clubs
and motorcycle shops. Someone will gladly help your husband continue riding until he has passed on. If that doesn't work, let me know.
My best friend is very high up in a national motorcycle gang. We can get your husband riding again.

As for the nausea, I'm sure he's on medication, but if he can try some fresh ginger grated into some hot water, add some lemon if he wants. This will help with the nausea.

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

...and pray with all my heart that somehow a miracle will happen, and I know there's nothing more I can say to make anything feel better, but know that you both still are in my thoughts and prayers, and I was actually happy to hear that he got on the bike at least again..I'd do what snom said and try and get in touch with someone who can take him for that ride, that be awesome, I wish I was there to even console and hug you, I know how hard it is to watch someone you love be sick, it isn't easy, no matter what. I will continue to pray for the both of you.

Hugsss to you!
~Donna

kimby's picture
kimby
Posts: 804
Joined: Oct 2007

These are the best, most helpful suggestions! You are a wonderful person, you know.

Kimby

kimby's picture
kimby
Posts: 804
Joined: Oct 2007

You and Angel are in my daily prayers. This must be the most difficult thing you've ever done. Be as strong as you can for him but you must take care of yourself. You are of no use to him if you don't take care of you. Know that we are here for you if you need us.

Hugs and prayers,

Kimby

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

I agree with the others, it's so good to hear from you, and hope that Angel will get that ride! Outside of letting you know you are in my prayers daily, I want to echo what Kimby said... take care of you. I know this has got to be very hard on you, going to work, trying to lead a normal life, not real sure how Angel is at home and wanting to make things better when it's out of your hands. It's a blessing his family is able to be with him during the day while you work, I am sure that allows you a little bit of respite. I noticed you said one of the drugs Angel is getting IV is clonodine, which surprises me since I was just reading today about drugs used to lower blood pressure and that is one. Is he having problems with his blood pressure? I am sure Hospice knows what they are doing, I'm certainly no doctor, was just wondering. How is the weather where you are? It's been absolutely beautiful, and I think how wonderful it feels to sit in the warm sunshine to calm and soothe the soul. Take care and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.
mary

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5065
Joined: Feb 2008

Michelle,

I wish I could give you a hug. You're carrying such a heavy burden right now. Keep trying to find those right words to say to Angel, but if you don't, I'm sure it's a comfort to him to have you there just holding his hand. I was just thinking about y'all yesterday and wondering how things were progressing. I'm glad that he's able to eat a little and is not as nauseous. I do so wish, though, that the chemo would work for him.

Please know you're in our prayers, and that we welcome the chance to talk to you anytime you need to give a report or just vent some emotions.

*hugs*
Gail

trainer's picture
trainer
Posts: 242
Joined: Sep 2008

I'm so sorry to hear the latest. You are an amazing woman. Your love for Angel comes through loud and clear. My prayers and everyone else's on this board are focused on you. I'm just down the road if you need anything. All this sucks except your love for him and the wonderful mind picture you've given us of him sitting on his Harley. He's quite a guy. Definitely born to ride! Mike

VickiCO's picture
VickiCO
Posts: 934
Joined: Oct 2008

Michelle,

I think of you often and pray for both of you. Yours is such a personal journey. I wish I could be there just to hold you for a while. Just keep telling him how much you love him.

All our love coming your way. Vicki

dixchi's picture
dixchi
Posts: 438
Joined: Jun 2008

sending thoughts of strength and peace to both of you; this is so hard
to go through and am very glad that you and Angel have family and friends
to support you. The suggestion of contacting a motorcycle group to locate
a cycle with a side car sounds like a wonderful idea; hope that Angel
is strong enough to take a ride that way.

Prayers and Hugs,
Barbara

colon2's picture
colon2
Posts: 184
Joined: Feb 2009

I am so sorry that the two of you are having to go thru this. Sometimes it seems that life just isn't fair. Please know that i am praying for you both. My husband and I were active in a motorcycle club(Custom Riders) for over 20 years. He is still a member,but retired, so I know your love of bikes. I understand how Angel feels about riding, and I also think that contacting a club or shop would result in many offers of help in arranging a ride if he is able.I don't know where you live, but if I can help in getting you in touch with a club, I would be glad too. I live near Atlanta, Ga and know several clubs in the southeast that we rode with for years. If I can help, please just let me know.
God Bless You,
Carletta

aluckylady's picture
aluckylady
Posts: 16
Joined: Mar 2009

Wish there was more I could do, but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and your husband and saying an extra prayer for both of you.

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

Thank you so much it means alot to me and angel. you are all so wonderful caring people I feel blessed. I'm crying after reading all my post. Thanks for the offers about finding someone to ride my husband but you know if he can't ride his he dosen't want to ride at all.As far as the weather goes a high if 77 today perfect weather thats az for you but the summer is sizzling here.Again thank you all, reading these post helps me get thru the day.

michelle

amcp
Posts: 251
Joined: Jan 2009

Michelle...I too am crying after reading your post and the others. I wish I had words that would help you and your husband at this difficult time. I have no wisdom to offer but just enjoy every minute you have together.
When we first found out that Frank had stage 4 our surgeon told us " GOD has opened a window for you to see into the future. It is a blessing HE has given you that HE does not give everyone. The Crocodile Hunter was not given this blessing because if he had he would have been home with his wife and daughter instead of being in the ocean. He said GOD was showing us what the future would hold and giving us time to prepare for it." We have tried to keep this in our minds and tried to remember every second of every day is a blessing and say everything we want to say when we want to say it. I do not know if this makes sense to you or if it helps ...it just has helped us. We are not where you are now but we will be one day. Know that we are with you in thoughts and prayers. May GOD give you both the strength to deal with whatever each day brings. May HE comfort you and give you both peace.
Long Distance hugs,
Anna

mindy10
Posts: 183
Joined: Jul 2005

Michelle so sorry for what you are going through right now. When I went through it with my dad it was the hardest things I ever had to do. He also was scared about dying and i just kept telling him I believe that there is an afterlife. I beleive that he will be with his mother and father again and someday with us again. I have to believe that because thats what got me through those days and still gets me through these days now that he is gone. I wish I could tell you what to do to make you and him feel better but all you can do is spend time with him and comfort him and make sure at this point that he is not in pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time. Mindy

snommintj's picture
snommintj
Posts: 602
Joined: Mar 2009

I've talked to some of my biker friends and they totally understand him not wanting to get in the side car. But on of my friends suggested trading the harley for a Buell street and trail bike. It's made by harley and is apparently light as a feather. My buddy says its much like riding a scooter but with a lot of balls. I've owned many bikes, I like Harleys but Triumphs are my passion. Interestingly enough though the most fun I've had in years riding was on a Honda Ruccus. It qualifies as a moped but is a blast to ride. It's quick as a cat and can easily run 70mph plus. Did you guys try the fresh ginger in water?

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Michelle,

I'm glad you posted an update. I've been thinking about you and Angel a lot the past couple of days and had been wondering how you're both doing.
My heart aches for both of you. I wish I could talk to Angel directly about the fear of dying. As Buzzard said, I don't want to intrude on your beliefs, but I do want to offer you and Angel the idea that there is more after this life and Jesus is waiting there with open arms to take Angel home when his time comes. All he has to do is call out to Jesus now. Could you relay this message to Angel... that someone on this board wants him to know that he doesn't have to be afraid- if he talks (prays) to God and asks Him to come into his life and heart, Angel will be given the gift of eternal life in heaven when he dies and, most importantly for now, His PEACE about it all- He will give Angel peace so that he won't be afraid. God is not a God of fear, but a God of peace and joy. The Bible describes it as "the peace that surpasses all understanding". It really is that- almost impossible to explain to someone and it really does surpass all understanding of how it works. But I know it does and I know of many others who have experienced it and know it's real. Forgive me if I've overstepped my boundary here and am "preaching", but I just ache to know someone else may experience dying in a fearful way without God's peace and assurance. I certainly don't know your or Angel's heart or beliefs about God, but I felt moved to share this with you.
God bless you, Michelle. I know you love Angel very much and this is the hardest thing you will have ever had to endure in your life. As awful and difficult as it is, God can help you get through all this with actually having a sense of peace about it all. If that seems impossible, just ask God yourself- I believe He would welcome you to talk to him, even question him on this, and ask for this peace and assurance for yourself, as well.

Take care and a big, warm hug to you-
Lisa

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

Thanks Lisa and everyone i know god will see him thru with open arms.

michelle

sheri22
Posts: 278
Joined: Jan 2009

Michelle

Just to say I have been thinking of you bothe often, you are such a special person to keep everyone updated with everything you have been going thru, I hope your husband does get to ride again you are bothe in my prayers

Sheri22

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

thanks sheri, It really helps to share

michelle

hopefulone
Posts: 1048
Joined: Jan 2007

Michelle, Keeping you both in my prayers. God bless.
Hugs,
Diane

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

thank you
michelle

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Hi Michelle,
I am praying for you and Angel and your family. Praying for peace for all of you.
Aloha,
Kathleen

jenalynet's picture
jenalynet
Posts: 363
Joined: Nov 2005

Hugs to you...I am very sorry to read about your husbands battle with this disease. I am Stage 4 and as of now trying the chemo again to give me more time here. It is hard each day because I am constantly wondering if the drug is working..Dying is always on my mind but on good days the living takes over. You seem to be a very caring person and I hope you can use some of the advice given. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers..Hugs to both of you. Audrey.

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

I am stage 4 as well, and me dying is constantly on my kids and my mind as well, you know your days are numbered, but then you think positive and listen to all these encouraging stories about people who been living with stage 4 for years and years, and I just want to be one of those people, so I stay focused on trying to just enjoy the time I have here, and hope for the best that we will beat this beast! there is always hope out there, and stage 4 isn't really a death sentence for alot of people, it's just hard having a day where you forget you have it, and try to live as normally as possible :)

Hugsss!
~Donna

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

the funny thing about it is that the longer you are here, the easier it is to remember that you are LIVING with cancer and not dying of it. At first, we all focus on the possibility of eminent death; we are only human and have heard all and seen all the hype about cancer in general. But, then you survive the 6 months of crap that is chemo and you move into a period of no chemo and you get to feeling better. Then, a year passes and all you can think is WOW! The year went by in a blur and you realize you have to pay more attention to your days! So then you start enjoying the days you have and trying not to think about the beast, and that possibility of eminent death. If you get a recurrence, you have the blessing of knowing that you survived treatment before, and the expectation of kicking it's behind once more! You become a stronger, more determined warrior and you move from considering chemo as poison and thinking more of it being another weapon in your arsenal against the beast. You rally yourself and your loved ones and you fight on! It's a wonderful thing, the way we humans work! When we gather together for a united goal, we can be unstoppable! And it makes the journey so much easier and so much more delightful! Hang tough. Every day you wake up is another day to get it right and fight it hard!

ETA: I realized after I posted this that I needed to add some thoughts, since the beginning post is from Michelle and Angel, who are having a very hard time with this very ugly beast. Another hard aspect of this disease is when we see others go through what very well may be OUR future. Know that my heart goes out to you, Michelle and Angel, as it does for all of us; what you are experiencing is exactly why we are so scared when we hear those 3 words. I know that it is hard for you to read about others who have had miraculous recoveries and are enjoying "the good life". We all ask, why can't I be the one who hears NED, why can't I be the one who went in for surgery and found that all tumor was gone, why can't I be ... We are living what is the reality of our lives and we are, hopefully, doing it with dignity and strength. We are always being watched by those around us, and we hope to be an inspiration for them into their futures. One day we will know the answers to the whys, but for now, all we can do is the best that we can do. Reach out to those around you who are willing and able to help; God sends us angels, sometimes in the most unlikely of people. Give yourself time to reflect and rejuvenate before you head into the battle. We owe it to ourselves as well as to our loved ones.

Ok, now I'll get off that box.

mary

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

You hit the nail right on the head. When i first started on this web site I too had so much hope that angel would beat the cancer and he fought hard for a year with the chemo but it just didn't work for him.I read all the posts and i feel so glad for those that are getting well at the same time I get mad because angel is not one of those. I feel at peace when i read all the kind thoughts from everyone here i wish i could give everyone a big hug and thankyou in person.

michelle

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

It is nice to know you understand what I'm trying to say. Stay strong and know we are all keeping you two in our hearts.
mary

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

..........God Bless you both Michelle and Angel........

CherylHutch's picture
CherylHutch
Posts: 1399
Joined: Apr 2007

Seriously... I don't think you realize how, no matter how unintentionally, you are so admired and looked up to. You are going through hell and back... the worst of moments and yet beautiful moments as well.. and still, you take the time to come here and post updates for the rest of us. Some of those updates have got to be so hard for you to post and I'm hoping at the same time are giving you some release to be able to put them in writing.

There are caregivers, such as yourself, and those of us fighting the battle as is Angel... so we all look up to your posts for different reasons. The caregivers can so very much relate to what you are going through and how you are doing it. Those of us fighting the beast are looking at Angel's story and asking "WHY??" and then relating it to our own journey and always wondering, "Will I go through a similar experience as Angel and, if so, how will I handle it?"

So, in case this time just goes by in a blur, I would like to say, probably on behalf of a lot of us... THANK YOU! Thank you for being you and taking the time to share your and Angel's experiences with us because, as hard as they are, you have no idea just how much they mean to all of us.

Huggggggs,

Cheryl

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

cheryl and buzzard

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6694
Joined: Feb 2009

Michelle both of you are in my prayers and thoughts. You both have had a rough road to travel and it has to be very hard on both of you. Let him know that he is being thought of from people who truly care.

Kim

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

Thank you Michelle, I also know how hard this is with what you're going through, you're a beautiful person to even still post about updates, both you and Angel are always in my prayers.

Huge Huggss!!
~Donna

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

prayers are always welcomed

thanks for the up lifting posts

michelle

Glv49
Posts: 206
Joined: May 2005

God Bless you and your husband, I am praying that God gives you a miracle.. I am a stage IV survivor, and sometimes I wonder why I am still here, when I read others going thru this. And now my husband is battling this beast as well. You aren't alone, and feel free to express yourself to us anytime. I wish I could do something for you, and everyone else. But I am sending you a big hug, and lots of prayers.

God Bless,
Gail

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

thank you

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