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Mental Issues

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

Hi All,

Just thought I would throw out some thoughts and see what others might think or share what they might have gone through.

I was DX in June 07, did surgery/chemo/rad, NEDs on June 08, it came back in Nov 2008 with mets to the lung, surgery again and now on oral chemo.

The first go around I was in denial, pretty much just a robot going through the motions of doing what I had to do. Then with it coming back, I really feel it has hit me harder then the original DX, weird huh? I feel like I am losing it, I feel like I have spent the last few months just planning on dieing, not living. Lost all interest in just about everything. I cry about everything and nothing sometimes at the same time. I am on anti depresents, but I think they might need to be upped. I dont care about paying bills, cleaning house, getting dressed, or even taking a shower. I just want to walk away and disappear. I am so pissed off, I cant see straight. I dont know how to deal with this anger anymore, its eating me up and affecting everything in my life. I cant seem to get passed the "why me" question. I know I am not special and that this beast affects so many people from all over the world. I just dont understand why this has happened to me, I am being selfish I know, but I cant help feeling this way. I just dont know what to do.

I am thinking about checking myself into a hospital and I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else has gone through these feelings and if so what did they do and did it help? I just feel I am at the end of my rope.

Thanks for listening
Beth

CherylHutch's picture
CherylHutch
Posts: 1399
Joined: Apr 2007

I feel for you! I don't think that what you are going through is all that unusual or that uncommon... and I bet it hits most people this way to varying degrees, no matter what the serious illness.

I don't think it's a bad idea to meet with a counsellor of some type and really lay it on the line. Not just that you are scared, but that you are so pissed off that it is affecting your life, your day to day functioning, and more than likely the people around you. Get it all out and let that health professional know that you can't continue on like this AND expect to be able to heal yourself.

I agree... the anti-depressant meds you are on are probably not a high enough dosage, but you don't want to go fooling around with the dosage yourself. Chances are the docs will want to change the type of med. There are a kajillion kinds of anti-depressants out there and can be combined with anti-anxiety meds... but they do have to experiment a bit to get the right combination for you. Just like this disease hits us all differently, meds do the same thing.

Speaking purely for myself, and only myself, I have not gotten the angry phase. I've been told that is perfectly normal and that at some point I will get it... but both when I had the "Oops, sorry wrong person" hysterectomy 8 years ago and now this nasty bout of cancer, neither time have I gotten angry. My downfall is fear... and outright terror. Both have hit me and every now and again I have a flare up... usually when some silly doctor who isn't thinking feels he (and sorry guys, but it always seems to be a "he") has to talk to me bluntly. Hey, I don't need to be told that cancer is a monster and I certainly don't need to be told doom and gloom stories about it, thank you very much. I'm not in denial... I know I have it and I know it has metastacized, but that's as much power as I will give it. As far as I'm concerned, we are going to treat it and we will continue treating it to keep it under control... and if someone comes up with a cure to eliminate it, then I want to be around and take that magical treatment. If they don't find it in my lifetime, then fair enough... let's keep it under control until I die of old age. But DO NOT tell me doom and gloom and stories about how this is a nasty disease that brings down so many people. La-La-La-La-La... I'm not listening!!

But obviously I do listen and then I freak out... and I keep obsessing, "There is just no way that I am going to die... no way!" And that's when I have to start really doing my meditations and sending my thoughts out to the Universe about the things that I AM going to do in my lifetime and that some may die of this horrid disease, of which I am very sorry, but I'm not going to be one of them!

I mentioned in another post, I went to see my GP today and he gets just as mad when he hears someone in the medical field has told me some doom and gloom story, or mouthed off statistics. He curses and says, "Just who do they think they are helping by saying any of this stuff? It's almost as if they have a "God Complex" and feel they can spout off statistics of who will live and who will die...morons!" He then told me of one of his patients who, to look at him, you would think he is the perfect example of a healthy big male. There is absolutely nothing sickly looking about him. Yet, he has colon cancer that has metastacized to his lungs and has HUNDREDS, yes HUNDREDS of mets in his lungs. From a medical point of view, there's nothing they can do because there are just too many. But he has no problem breathing, when my doc listens to his lungs, they are perfectly clear, and he's had hundreds of mets for 2 years now. The oncologist doesn't even know if he has new mets or not because there are too many to count.

My GP said both this patient of his and me have a few things in common... not only the cancer (and I have nowhere near the number of mets that he does), but the two of us are perfectly happy to go on living life and not let doctors dictate who we should be feeling.

I don't know if that helps you at all Beth... but you have so much going for you and although this is a huge battle we all are fighting, it can be fought and so far, you are winning!! I don't think you should be worried about whether you should be getting more kinds of chemo or not, but more so... the anger is going to play havoc on the healing. Cancer thrives on stress... and what is more stressful than anger and negativity. This is not to say your anger is not justified or real... it IS... but you want to see if someone can help you with it so that it doesn't feed the cancer.

And in one of these topics, I put a recipe for a very simple soup that is suppose to be proven in Taiwan to heal cancer... whether one believes in it or not, hey it can't hurt to try. Meanwhile, you will never know if it was the chemo or the soup that did the trick... but if you end up NED then who cares what it was?? :)

Hugggggggs,

Cheryl

captainhop's picture
captainhop
Posts: 156
Joined: Dec 2008

I can't locate the post where you had the receipt for the Taiwan Soup. Could you give it to me please...Maybe send it via private email? Anything is worth a try.

Marygale

CherylHutch's picture
CherylHutch
Posts: 1399
Joined: Apr 2007

Sure Marygale... I'll send you the article/recipes in private message. I had posted them in the Alternative Medicine topic which didn't get a lot of response, so I'm not sure how much interest there is in alternative suggestions. I don't fully embrace them, myself... on the other hand, when I come across something that makes sense and I can see it certainly wouldn't hurt to try it... then what the heck :)

Check your private mail in a few minutes :D

Huggggggs,

Cheryl

captainhop's picture
captainhop
Posts: 156
Joined: Dec 2008

Thanks,Cheryl,
Neither do I support Alternative Med. a lot, but heck....soup isn't going to hurt anyone and Hop must eat nourishing meals. Just thought I might give it a try, as it would be something different....with my luck, he won't like it........But then, he usually eats anything I fix.

Marygale

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Cheryl,

Would you mind posting the soup recipe here? You've got me curious!
Lisa

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

Cheryl,
In a way your very lucky for not feeling the anger. I too feel the fear and it takes hold of me every now and again, but thats when I have to rely on faith to smooth over the fear. I know it sounds really strange because I should be doing that with the anger, but its God that I am angry at, I know lots of people would be very mad at me just saying that. But its how I feel, and I feel guilty for that but I cant make it stop. I dont like being angry at God, because I do know he is a loving God, and not a vengeful one, but the question of WHY ME, I did everything right to the best of my ablilities, I never harmed anyone, I was always there to help others, always putting others way before me. AM I perfect, Hell NO, but WHY ME! I just feel I could be doing so much more work to help others, but yet I get hit with this, what the hell did I do? Again I dont want to sound like I am special or above anyone else, because I know I am not. I am just struggling now and feeling very helpless and lost.

God Bless
Beth

kmygil
Posts: 881
Joined: Feb 2007

Dear, Dear Beth. It is awful to feel like you are feeling. All the classic symptoms of severe depression. Believe me, I know it well. I was suicidal for a long time prior to diagnosis. Fortunately, about 2 months before my diagnosis I started on antidepressants. If I had not been on them at the time of diagnosis, there's no telling what may have happened. At any rate, we had to change meds and dosages a few times, and up the dosage about half-way through treatment.

Beth, I cannot emphasize enough that you work more with your doctor regarding the antidepressants. I know that daily life feels like trying to sprint through a swamp of quicksand. I don't know who is working with you on the antidepressants, your oncologist or your GP. Please make an appointment and be very, very frank about how you feel. You may need a combo. I'm on Wellbutrin and Lexapro, Wellbutrin for depression and Lexapro for anxiety. It has changed my life.

Don't give up. You can make your anger work FOR you, but you cannot do this if you are drowning in depression. When you get on the right meds and dosage a lot of this anger will go away. Anger is usually an expression of hurt, and your cancer has hurt you emotionally as well as physically. I know you have also had to cope with a lot of financial issues which is enough to send anyone into depression alone. So work with your doctor and find the right level for you.

You are a special person. There is a reason you are here. Take your life back and fill your purpose.

Hugs and prayers,
Kirsten

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

Yes I am seeing a psychiatrist for meds, but I am going to call him today to see if I can get an appointment as soon as possible. I am falling fast and I need help, and for me to say that, its not to be taken lightly if ya know what I mean. I am scared and I am so tired of feeling like this, will it ever end!

Thank you for your response, your very sweet and I appreciate it. I know from all of your post how important you stress the fact that antidepressants work, and I have to say I totally agree with you. They have helped me in the past a few times and I have seen them work miricles on family members. Although I dont think Tom Cruise would like it much...LOL

God Bless
Beth

captainhop's picture
captainhop
Posts: 156
Joined: Dec 2008

Just now read your post. Hey, girl...God isn't done with you yet. HE still has some important things for you..........and I'm betting it has something to do with helping others. Maybe your post will help others.

Just wanted to tell you I'm praying for you ((even stopped typing to say a prayer asking for a miracle in Healing, RIGHT NOW)) Hop and I have seen 2 miracles and I truly believe you can too. HANG IN THERE GIRLFRIEND. WE ALL LOVE YOU AND WE'RE ALL PULLING FOR YOU TOO.

God Bless and a
Great Big Bear Hug to You,
Marygale

MoonDragon's picture
MoonDragon
Posts: 194
Joined: Jun 2005

Beth, I was just thinking the same thing as Marygale. We never know who reads these posts and there very well could be a fellow warrior who has shared your same feelings but has yet to acknowledge it or who just needed to hear someone else say the same things about how they feel; to have encouragement that they're not alone. You may have helped someone and not even know it by going through what you're experiencing. I echo the others, hang in there, get your meds worked out and talk to someone.

Here's a hokey way that I dealt with my anger that may help you. I found something in my room, an inanimate object like a pillow or a picture on your wall. I focused on sending all my negative energy into that object. I glared at it, screamed at it and focused my negative flow of energy towards it. It really seemed to help. Then when I had done that for awhile I burned it. It felt so damn good to burn those negative feelings. I found that small stuffed animals worked best for me as pictures and pillows got expensive and weren't so easy to burn lol.

There, my secret is out, lol, but hey it helped and with what we're dealing with, it's whatever works!

Hugs and prayer to you!

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

Beth, you need to speak to a counselor and like yesterday! I know when my ex was dealing WELL with his depression, it was only when he was using the meds in combo with a counselor. When he decided he didn't need the counselor anymore (because she told him he need to make some changes he didn't want to make) he started going back down hill again. You need to get all that festering stuff out in the open before they kill you! Please make a call today! You might need to speak with the psychiatrist about a dosage and/or med change as well.
mary

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

Yes your right, and I am in the process of finding one that I can go and talk with. I do need the help because I cant seem to get over this myself. Wish I could just SNAP OUT OF IT, LOL, sure wish it were that easy. I just keep trying to get by each day hoping things get better. Trying to find some inner peace.

Thanks for all the post, everyone here is so great, just love you guys! If it wasnt for this group I would probably be in a looney ben by now. Thanks again to everyone!

God Bless
Beth

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Beth, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Please talk to your doctor immediately and stress that you HAVE to have relief from these feelings. That's a miserable way to be going around. Also, if you are a praying woman, pray hard. I know I'll be praying for you.

*hugs*
Gail

krystiesq's picture
krystiesq
Posts: 242
Joined: Jun 2008

Dear Beth, snap out of it. Don't you wish that would work. I find myself laughing at my dad sometimes. He tells my mom to snap out of it all the time as if there is just this magical switch that changes one's perspective. Truth of the matter is, I can only give you advice that is through my experiences and not clinical or professional advice. I know it's not ok to go about your day like you are, but it is ok to admit sometin' ain't right here... and try to find answers. Like everyone else has said above, time to see the doc. You're not weak for feeling this way, just as you are none the weaker for having cancer. We don't get to pick our ailments, but God can and we must trust him.

I know I was in a cloud of dark funk when my mom was diagnosed and for the impending months ahead I knew we would face. However, it became evident to me that I had to take care of myself, if not for me for her. I kept really busy. At that time I was working full time as in house counsel, part time with my own practice, taking care of my mom on nights and weekends and planning a wedding. But there is a kicker here, I used it all to avoid dealing with my emotions and I would come home and crash and burn sometimes, to the point I was wallowing in self-pity. I did not seek professional assistance, though my now husband called me a ball of axiety and told me I should many times. I channeled my anger and anxiety in other ways...i trained for triathalons, I quit taking on so much and I let myself feel my emotions.

Leave it to the professionals to figure you out. This too shall pass.

peace

polarprincess
Posts: 210
Joined: Aug 2008

i got a christmas present and it was literature from DR bernie siegel http://www.berniesiegelmd.com and he talks alot about healing and mind over matter, and the exceptional patient and those who survive cancer and those who succumb, and those will probably get cancer because of how their mind works etc..and i have barely even gotten very far with the info and already i have so much hope.. You have to make the decision you are not going to die from this... use the principles from "The Secret" and believe you will survive, every day tell yourself you are a survivor, when you look in the mirror imagine yourself an old lady living into your 90's/ thank yourself for your healing.... surround yourself with laughter and as much positivity as possible...get rid of things in life that bring you high amounts of stress. You can google or watch on youtube multiple videos of how to practice postive affirmations... what you fear you will create for yourself, so you have to try and change your thinking.

In a book I have from Oprah's Dr Oz, he talks about how stress lowers your immune system and triggers cancer and can cause it to grow. he also talks about laughter can reverse it, and kills off tumors by producing certain substances, so he recommends watching and reading funny things. He also talks about the importance of doing meditation and how it boosts the immune system to heal the body.

Practice visualization- i got the video 'visions for cancer healing' and it has relaxation stuff, and videos of actual apoptosis so you can visualize those cancer cells dying.

Go to amazon.com and search through the cancer books and read the reviews.. i just ordered several that i think will be very helpful in helping me retain hope..i am so excited to get them!

my degree and work is in nutrition so i may be partial to this but i think nutrition plays a HUGE role in killing cancer cells and preventing them from growing out of control..keeping them at bay etc... I was not practicing very good nutrition at the time of my diagnosis because of severe stress, but it definitely will play a part in my post chemo period. I have the books 'foods that fight cancer' and 'healing cancer with nutrition' by patrick quinlon and there is ALOT of good info in there, and after reading it you feel very excited that you will live a long happy life.. it talks about the antioxidants and how they work to kill free radicals, and how some foods work as well as avastin to block blood vessel formation to supply nutrients to the tumor..how cancer hates cabbage,,, benefits of green tea, how big turmeric is in fighting off colon cancer as well-(of course talk to doctor first because some of these things interfere with chemo/meds) in fact their is a whole chapter on that. I have had the wonderful opportunity to work in a nutrition research lab and the people who wrote this book are basing it on sound scientific, lab reported studies and not just their opinions etc...
I am not sure if you are going to get a break from chemo or if your doctor would advocate juicing during it or not but as i am sure you have read on here that
juicing as well can be very good at helping your body heal as the fiber components are removed and your body absorbs the nutrients right into the cells..of course emily can help you with that. Maybe at this time cancer treatment centers of america would be a good choice for you to try- they deal with all aspects of treatment and can help you with the proper nutrition and supplements, they can help you with the spiritual aspect, the mind body medicine and homeopathic stuff. There are some very good stories coming out of there of people with metastatic cancer even pancreatic that are 10 years out and still cured from this different approach.

Working in a hospital as a clinical nutritionist, the one thing i notice all the time is that after diagnosis hardly anyone changes their diets and i think it is the most important time ever to make those changes.. i base my diet on mostly plant food and fruits and vegetables with just small amounts of meat, and very very little red meats and sugars. When chemo is done, I plan to juice daily, to eat flaxseed, and high antioxidant foods...i will be taking calcium with vit d, curcumin, fish oil, japanese green tea, (does anyone know where to buy this? aspirin, and am still researching what else...

Also make sure to exercise... the studies show a 50% reduction in colon cancer recurrences or keeping cancer from growing if you stay active..
Are you religious? I am catholic and do novenas and we have a patron saint of cancer, and a patron saint of of things almost despaired of (St Jude) who i love to pray novenas to and which gives me great comfort....in fact every wednesday at the big st jude shrine their is a special novena for cancer patients where all these priests and people pray for you, and you can submit your own prayer and they will put it at their altar and pray for you specifically..

Don't be a statistic..fight fight fight with everything at your disposal: Healing your mind, exercise, nutrition, laughter, meditation, visualization....

CherylHutch's picture
CherylHutch
Posts: 1399
Joined: Apr 2007

Hehehe PolarPrincess! Welcome to my world... this is what I have been saying without starting a whole topic/discussion because I didn't want to offend those who have a strong belief in traditional religions. If I were to go off on a tangent about the Laws of Attraction, "you are what you think", "what you put out there in the universe in the way of thought, you receive tenfold", "what you can do when illness or tragedy strikes, with thought and visualization", etc., I could see this getting into a huge argument about religion vs any other thoughts. So, I do play low key here... it's not worth it to me to upset anyone, or even make them question what they have strong beliefs in. I figure, whatever works and gets you through this journey, then that is great... I just go about it in a different way than the "norm".

But Dr. Bernie Siegel has some wonderful explanations and ideas that truly are inspiring. And I also love the writings of Deepak Chopra.

I figure things are going really well if one can live a happy, peaceful life full of hope the majority of the time... and when there are those times that you are scared, or start questioning yourself because of something a doctor(s) has said to you... well, we are human and it doesn't hurt to remember that now and again :)

Hugggggs,

Cheryl

2bhealed's picture
2bhealed
Posts: 2085
Joined: Dec 2001

Hi Cheryl!

I got so excited when you posted that wonderful long answer with recipes on the alternative med thread but I was at work and my break time was up. Then life got in the way and I never went back to it, but I had really wanted to respond. You had brought up some really good points that I wanted to address and add to. Now I think I need to revisit that post. (and right now my little one is patiently waiting for me to get off the computer so I can put her to bed!!!)

I totally agree about what kind of energy you put out there.

After that thread I looked for you on Facebook to discuss stuff other than cancer issues....didn't find you there though. bummer.

Beth, I agree with a lot of what PP said. I also want to address your feelings too and highly recommend adding counseling to your cancer protocol as IMPERATIVE to healing. Cancer is a SYMPTOM of a deeper issue and it can take some digging to get to that issue. Cancer is a way of your body trying to get your attention for whatever reason.

A really good read is Spontaneous Healing by Dr. Andrew Weil.

The anger is so natural. There is a time of grieving through this as well. On some level we are grieving our loss of innocence. We are forced to look our mortality in the eye at a younger age and that can cause some resentment. Others without cancer have not had to do this and can go tra-la la-la through life. No FAIR we cry!

Counseling was a big part of my healing. A BIG part.

I hope this helps.

peace, emily

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

I live in a small town and I have some friends trying to get together a cancer support group pretty much just for me and one other lady, so that will help as well. Also I am seeking an individual counselor as well. I agree there are issues I need to address and work through things besides the cancer I am sure. I have written down the book you mentioned and I am going to get it. I also want to get that book that Cheryl suggested too. I really appreciate your post and your support.

Thank you so much
God Bless
Beth

2bhealed's picture
2bhealed
Posts: 2085
Joined: Dec 2001

hi Beth,

I addressed the emotional aspect of colon cancer in the Alternative Medicine thread too. It's all connected. It may shed some light on the issue.

peace, emily

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

I snapped and snapped it just didnt work. But I tried it. You can tell your dad it doesnt work. LOL Thank you for your post, yes something aint right and I need to fix it or get it fixed, so that is what I am working on. I pray this will pass!
God Bless
Beth

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Beth,

As so many others have mentioned, do not put off any longer going to your doctor to up and/or change the antidepressants! Ask for a referral to a counselor or a local cancer support group. This is definitely a great website for that, but you need to meet with a professional or someone in person!
I know you have mentioned your faith in God in other posts, so I know it's there! It's likely that this may be a time of doubting for you and feeling like you don't hear or "feel" God- am I right? Cry out to Him, as you probably already have, but keep doing it- He IS there and loves you. I am praying for you right now that God will give you peace and comfort and take away this cloud of depression. To be on meds for it certainly doesn't mean you have a lack of faith in God for it, either. I believe it would be foolish not to take advantage of medications that are available- please do follow through on that.
I, too, had a recurrence after just 3 months and had a hard time. I believed (and still believe) that I had a miracle with my major rectal tumor disappearing and with the rest of my body reacting so well to the chemo that I was considered NED. My question and feelings of anger/frustration with God were, "God, if you gave me a miracle before, why in the world would you let the cancer start growing back again?!" I don't believe it's unChristian to sometimes question God. Honestly, I never got an answer for this question, but I did receive a peace about it finally. Certainly, I'm not thrilled about it- it's a major, major bummer! But, I know that God has the ultimate plan for me in mind, even if I can't understand it one it right now! I do trust in Him.
Beth, I'm not giving up on you and I KNOW God isn't either!
Take care- cry out to the Lord and go get your medication adjusted and seek a counselor or group for support- like TODAY! We're all your cheerleaders- "Go, go, go- you can do it!!!!"

Hugs,
Lisa

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

How did you come to find peace about what was happening to you? I pray for that but cant seem to find it or receive it, ya know? I am not giving up either, just need a little boost to keep me going. THank you so much for your post and for caring.
God BLess
Beth

traci43's picture
traci43
Posts: 775
Joined: Jul 2007

Beth - You're not alone. I figured that even though I was diagnosed with stage IV in Jun 07 I could fight this and be done with it, and I was for 18 months (6 months of FOLFOX). In Dec 08 my CEA spiked to 15 and a PET Scan confirmed 3 mets in the mesenteric fat, so now I'm on Xeloda, oxilaplatin and avastin. I think for me part of the depression has been my Dr.'s attitude, which sucks! That's why I'm going for a second opinion both within and outside my HMO. My Dr. basically gave me 2 years. So my husband and I sat around and cried and talked way too much about what will happen after I'm gone. I'm trying to limit these discussions and focus on getting my paperwork for the second opinion and keeping things as normal as possible. I'm still going to boot camp to work out and to work. Having something else to focus on helps.

I hope that in addition to the antidepressants that you have a professional to talk to. If your insurance doesn't have mental health or you can't afford it, try your local cancer support center (American Cancer Society, Wellness Community, etc) to see if they offer free group and/or private therapy centers. I love my group at the Wellness Community, we're all in the same boat and are able to offer up what works for us. It really helps to have people in similar situations to talke to (like the folks on this board).

I hope you feel better! Traci

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Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

I did reply to you asking how I kept my faith and how it stayed so strong ...Its in VickiCOs thread where you ask me that question....my reply to this one is.....you have not fully turned it over to God yet....When my life started dwindling and spiraling he was the only one that would take all the pain and trouble away. I let him have it. I have never worried about how long I was going to live since the day I did it. I get sick, I puke my guts out sometimes, but ya know what ? when I do I always feel better and ready to go again...
Go see your Dr and tell him Buzzard said that you need some more meds for depression, or have him up your dosage. He will until you find yourself not thinking or dwelling on it as much. Beth, I think about my cancer every single day......when it gets to be to much I find my hidie hole and cry, I'm not talking about a little cry, Im talking bawling , I never do anything halfway....but I never do it in front of my children. My wife knows when Im needing some My time but the kids don't understand it so they never see it. Its human, survival instinct is also human. Yep, why me? I have 4 children 4-6-14- and 23....why me ? who knows.......yep, He does and in time He'll let me know also......My bet is that He saw 4 children that needed a Dad to guide them through this life.....I was always there for them but never was really there if you get my drift. The Man upstairs really got my attention, I sure am glad He did.....I owe Him everything..........God Bless ya hun....

Mike49's picture
Mike49
Posts: 269
Joined: Nov 2008

Beth, This disease is rough on our minds and you are not alone. I have felt the why me anger, I counter with "why not me", this has changed me in many ways. I was a workaholic whose life revolved around my profession. My life has changed, in public and in private. Fighting this disease sucks, but it does make me realize how lucky I am, I have two great boys 10 and 12, a great wife and 7 year old step daughter. The way I choose to face the hand I have been dealt makes a big difference. I find the postings here inspirational, there are alot of stories here that make me think how strong this group of people are, tough fighters who care about each other. I had to get Ativan from my doc because I thought about things so much I could not sleep. Get some better medication regimen and you'll find the mental edge again, we need you here with us. Take care

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

How do you fully turn it over to God, how does one do that if he/she has control issues? I dont mean to sound stupid here, because I am serious, how do you fully turn it over? I want so badly for him to take all this away from me and for me to get back on a better path, one that will lead me to a cure. Or at least a better quailty of life while I am here.

I always used to say, as long as God let me live till my daughter was 18 so that she could take care of herself and I would know she was okay, then thats all I asked. Well she turns 18 in 10 months, and guess what I am not ready to go, so did I lie to God? I am guessing I did and maybe he is planning on making me stick to what I said? I am scared and I dont want to die now. I want to see my grandkids, I want to finish my career, I want to retire and help people along the way, is that asking to much? I know what your going to say Buzzard, that those are my plans and may not be God's plan RIGHT?

I just feel so lost and scared and not in control of anything really. I am going to go see my daughter tomorrow for a few days. I really want to spend some time with her. Hopefuly that will help.

Buzzard, you are such an inspiration to me, I love reading your post, you have the best attitude and outlook. Thanks for being here!

THANKS TO ALL THAT RESPONDED, IT TRULY MEANS ALOT TO ME!
God BLess ALL
Beth

captainhop's picture
captainhop
Posts: 156
Joined: Dec 2008

No sweetie, you didn't lie to GOD.....you simply changed your mind.....Don't you remember....as women, we have that right....just a little humor here....
In all sincerity, GOD understands.

Luv,
Marytgale

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

Sure hope your right. Yes I changed my mind, I just hope God will agree with me. Thanks so much for your comments and support. I hope Hop is doing well, please tell him I am praying for him and you as well.

God Bless
Beth

CherylHutch's picture
CherylHutch
Posts: 1399
Joined: Apr 2007

Yep... we are all friends here even though we haven't met in person! And, as friends, it's totally alright to have differences of opinion or different ways of viewing the world and our roles in it. I'll leave the discussion/advice about how to turn things over to God to those who are more in tune with faith and religion, so you won't get a sermon from me on that ;)

BUT (now, did you really think I would just type one paragraph and be on my way?? LOL!), I do have one itty bitty bit of advice that I would love for you to try. Either order it from Amazon.com or go to your local bookstore and pick up a cope of Bernie S. Siegel's "Love, Medicine and Miracles". Seriously, it is incredibly inspirational and I really do think it's right down your alley. He does talk about God to some degree in it, but more important, he talks about the "exceptional patient"... the patient who has the drive and will and DESIRE to LIVE... and how these patients have literally done the impossible... healed themselves from within. It's not a matter of just giving "lip service" and saying, "I want to live... now somebody fix me"... you actually have to have that burning desire inside you (I call it the soul) that death is not an option for you at this time in your life.

Obviously, I can't speak for everyone... there are those who are ready to die and are quite peaceful with that decision. They feel they've had a good life (or not a good life which is one reason they are ready to let go of this one) and if it's their time to go, then so be it. There are others who say they don't want to die, they are terrified of dying, yet they do not do anything to "live"... they count each day as "how long before this disease kills me? There's no point me starting anything because I'm only going to die. I don't want to die... but this disease is going to kill me". Then, there are those of us who say, "Well, all these treatments, surgeries, doctors' visits, etc. are a pain in the butt... and terribly inconvenient because I have friends to see, events to plan, projects to tackle, new friends to meet and I haven't completed the purpose in my life yet. Heck, I'm not even sure WHAT the purpose I'm suppose to complete is, I just know I haven't completed it yet... so, tally-ho, of course I'll do everything I need to do to keep me alive, but I also have to fit in my living too because I have soooo much I want to do!!"

Attitude CAN make all the difference in the world and Dr. Bernie Siegel explains things like why we don't have all the proof written in medical journals about just how important our inner drive is... and the stories he has are so inspirational!

I'm not saying this book (or any book) will cure you of your current anger/depression. I do think that your system has had a shock of a lifetime and that shock has created a chemical imbalance which in turn causes the symptoms of anger, depression and despair. The fix for that is fairly simple... work with your doctors and get the right meds to put those chemicals back in balance. But reading this book will give you hope where you had despair, inspiration where you felt you had no control. If you read the book and feel absolutely nothing, then you are only out a couple of dollars... but I think you will get a lot from the book.

Huggggggs,

Cheryl

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

You are making the assumption that you "struck an agreement" with God to be able to live until your daughter is 18 and ONLY until then. First of all, I don't believe God strikes deals with us. He loves us and he cares for us. You have survived this long because you are strong and you have a purpose. Your daughter will turn 18 and you will still be here, and if it is in His plan, you will be here when she turns 21 and 30 and on and on. I have over the years prayed that I see my daughter marry, I have. I prayed that I would see a grandchild and I have. I pray that I see my youngest marry, and I don't doubt that I will. I don't expect the journey to be easy, although I certainly will send up prayers of thanks if it IS easy! LOL! I send up prayers of thanks for every blessing I receive (at least I try to, I am human and I am not always perfect!). I was blessed to have my problem with insurance taken care of, although it had actually ALWAYS been taken care of. I just didn't realize it until that letter came in showing me that I qualified for renewal of my CHCBP as long as I need it! God knew all along that my concern was taken care of, and I am sure He wished that I trusted more and worried less. That is my need; to trust more and worry less. Beth, you are strong and you can do it. Get the help you need so you can focus on the important things again! Life is to be enjoyed not endured!
mary

2bhealed's picture
2bhealed
Posts: 2085
Joined: Dec 2001

God knew all along that my concern was taken care of, and I am sure He wished that I trusted more and worried less. That is my need; to trust more and worry less.

I am going to put this on a sticky note on my computer to remind me every day!

Thanks for framing it just so.

peace, emily

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

And it helps to know i'm not the only stubborn one out here!
mary

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

I am/was the worst about control. I had everything I thought the way it needed to be. Oh, life is great......BOOM....along comes Mr Cancer and takes all control away. All control... Im lost, I have lost all sense of anything, I have fell into a trap I set for myself and I have no way out. I set myself up for failure by not allowing myself to have faith in a stronger being. I have turned my life completely upside down because of my stubbornness to always want to be in complete control when all the time I never controlled anything.
You have found out as all of us in here have that you can't control anything, you can only make the calls as to what you want to happen in your course through life and God will adjust as He sees fit. I like you have children I want to see grow up, Im sure we all do.
You make the assumption that I am going to say that no matter what your plans are, Gods plans will take over. Yep, thats what I would normally say, but have you ever thought that if you turned it all over to him that 1/2 of your depression would be gone because you will have relieved yourself of worrying about what will happen to you. You see where I am going here ? Recovery and NED are a lot of what you do for yourself and a lot of what God does to adjust the paths you take. You turn your troubles over to Him and half of your depression problems are gone. The other half allow the meds to take care of. He will guide you through all of it if you let Him.
Its Gods plan to love and nuture and care for every living human as long as the impardonable sin does not happen, to be blasphemous to God. To never allow Him in your life. Beth, you want Him in your life but aren't sure how to really turn it fully over to Him.....All you have to do is ask and be sincere in doing so, its that simple...all you have to do is ask.......He will take it from you immediately, immediately, and then you have to allow Him to keep it, because wanting it back only tells Him that your still not sure....Beth, you and I are alot alike, we both are control freaks, But lets face it, neither one of us ever controlled anything at all, we just thought we did. If you ask God this afternoon to take your burdens away and actually let Him have them you will feel the calmness that everything will be OK from then on. Allow life to go on as usual but live each day, don't exist, live. You have a long life ahead of you as I do. Our loved ones as well as our children deserve to see smiles all the time. We all die sweetie, its inevitable, but its how we live that matters. Forget the cancer, use it as a tool to make you closer to the people that love you. Can't you see how much more precious life is now than you thought it was 6 months ago ? Shame we don't find out a lot sooner, our lives would be so much more fun.
When I visit my friends or my family anymore we never talk about cancer and death as one. We talk about cancer and then maybe what we're gonna do next year as a family. I don't deal in months or days or years prognosis of my time here on earth. I gave that to my God to determine. I will enjoy my time here on earth be it a day or 100 years.
Talk to Him tonight....you might be surprised how you feel. I'll be right there with ya hun........God Bless ya.....ya just gotta trust Him.....What do you have to lose ?

captainhop's picture
captainhop
Posts: 156
Joined: Dec 2008

BRAVO, BRAVO, BRAVE BUZZARD.........WELL PUT MY FRIEND ! !

Marygale

lizbiz's picture
lizbiz
Posts: 121
Joined: Aug 2008

Hi Beth,

I completely understand what you're feeling. I've been on Zoloft for about 7 years now and I can't cope without it. I too have asked why me. I've pondered the thought of being told to "get my affairs in order" and what my response would be..."I'm only 33 - I have no affairs yet"!!!! I'm working hard now on the survival aspect of this disease - I juice, stay active and take my mushroom pills daily. I'm focused on living well into my elderly days.

Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
Elizabeth

captainhop's picture
captainhop
Posts: 156
Joined: Dec 2008

Just ask God to listen to your heart, honey. HE already knows what you want....and maybe right now there's only one set of footprints in the sand because he's carrying you and you don't realize it. You're just human/normal like the rest of us so please don't think this is a weakness if your faith.
As so many others have mentioned.....DO NOT WAIT on this....get your meds adjusted, or maybe a new med. Explain exactly how you're feeling to your Team Member/Doctor. And, some one on one therapy won't hurt a bit.
We all love you, Beth, and are praying for you. We WILL NOT give up on you and neither will God. He loves you so much, Beth.
HANG IN THERE AND F I G H T ! !

Wind at your back and Angels around you, dear one.
Love,
Marygale

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Beth,

I just wanted to encourage you to not be so hard on yourself. Guess what? God knew before you even said it that you'd change your mind. You probably will again, too, as will many others of us. Look to the Bible characters for examples of how special many of them were considered in God's eyes, yet they certainly had major faults and often questioned God, too. Look at David and the whole book of Psalms- David was flip flopping all over the place in his emotions and thoughts, yet he was blessed and protected by God. Look at Peter in the New Testament- he denied knowing Jesus before Jesus was arrested- even told Jesus at the last supper that he'd never deny him, but then he certainly did. Not exactly comparable to your situation in that way, but my point is that our heavenly Father God doesn't turn people away just because they're sad, angry, in denial, or are disobedient! He's very forgiving and very accepting! His love for you will never stop!
I know you'll be okay- even your process of talking it out with others and sharing with others on this board is part of working through things and getting through it all.
So far as "making it until your daughter turns 18"- you have, thank God! That certainly doesn't mean God's going to take your life right now. He knew what you meant by what you said! I've plead the same things- my kids are younger, so I still have a ways to go, though. Sometimes I find myself thinking about when the kids are older, the type of grandma I'll be someday, then find myself thinking, "wait a minute, I might not even be here to be a grandma". Then I scold myself for thinking that, because I enjoy feeling the freedom to think in those terms for a while- it's like I temporarily forget about the cancer while I'm thinking about being a grandma someday! None of us always do and think the way we should always- that's because we're imperfect humans! My motto lately is "Taking one day at a time and getting through it all by God's wonderful grace".

You take care Beth-
Lisa

captainhop's picture
captainhop
Posts: 156
Joined: Dec 2008

I have no idea why, but I was "drawn" to send you an email. You've been on my mind all day now, so what the heck is going on with you?

Ya know, there have been so many people as of the past 3 days, telling us to expect a MIRACLE, so that's where we're geared right now. I'm wondering if you concentrated hard enough and prayed for a Miracle concerning your emotions right now, if you might not find one.

Like I said, I don't know why, but for some reason I was supposed to talk to ya. Hope I haven't taken up unnecessary space.

Thinking of you and wishing
you many Blessings,

Marygale

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

Thank you so much, it means so much to me that you take the time to think of me, especially while you are going through so much right now with Hop. Love the pic by the way. I am very overwhelmed with all the support I have received here on this board. The people here are just so great.

THANKS TO ALL THAT HAVE POSTED AND SHARED WITH ME, GOD BLESS YOU ALL! I JUST FEEL ALL YOUR POST ARE JUST LIKE A GREAT BIG HUG TO ME, AGAIN THANK YOU!

God Bless
Beth

rrob
Posts: 160
Joined: Nov 2007

Beth,

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. When I was diagnosed in Oct. 07, I was so scared, so desparate, so angry. I couldn't stand to be by myself, I couldn't sleep at night, and I felt like I was about to break into a million pieces. One night, it was late and I was awake and so alone and so, so scared. I prayed to God to please send my guardian angel to watch over me. Believe it or not, that night as I finally fell asleep, I felt as though I were cradled in someone's arms and I slept through the entire night peacefully. And no, I hadn't taken any meds! In my eyes, this was God's way of comforting me and letting me know that he would be with me every step and that I could lean on him when I needed. Lots of times I forget that and struggle with being in control and making things work out my way. Okay, enough said.

Now, you and I have posted about Stage iv before, so here's the latest. On Dec. 8, I had a colonoscopy. In my original surgeries, we weren't able to remove the flat lesion that started the problem. So I had 6 mos of FOLFOX w/Avastin. After my scope, my gastro told me there was no sign of any lesion, that my colon looked absolutely normal, healthy, and he couldn't even tell where the lesion had been. That chemo is an awesome miracle!

Then on Dec. 12, I went in for surgery to remove the original area in my sigmoid colon and part of my rectum where the cancer originated. My oncologist wanted the surgery; my surgeon was more inclined to wait and see. I decided if this gave me any chance to avoid a recurrance, go for it. So I had my surgery laprascopically and went home on the 16th. My surgeon had a pathologist in the OR who examined the area removed and said it looked absolutely normal. The path reports on the colon, the mesentary, and the 7 nodes they removed showed NED.

On Dec. 30, I had my PET scan. I saw my oncologist Friday, Jan 9th, for results. Let me preface this by saying that all along I have been telling my onc that I was going to be his victory and that in 10 years, I would be cheering on his new patients and telling them they could be victories, too. I just could not get him on board; he was too grounded in the realities and I believe was afraid to give me false hope. So Friday morning, he came in and said my PET showed NED with the only areas of inflammation in the incision and resection sites. He then told me he has been reading the book "Anti-Cancer," which made him think of me. He actually told me that he believes that I am going to be one of his patients that beats this--now how awesome is that!

Now here's the part I really want you to hear. The last week I have been very depressed because it is really hard to wrap my mind around the statistics sometimes. And how stupid is it to be depressed when I've had such good news lately?! So when I went to see my oncologist and he said those words to me, I swear it was like a message straight from God--get my chin up off the ground, count my blessings, and keep on fighting! So you go see a counselor, see your doctor, get your meds upped, cause we are in this for the long haul. I am going to beat this and so are you! We are not going to let statistics drag us down--we are not average and we are not going to be average. Email me if you want, post and I'll answer, but just remember, we are going to fight every step of the way. Now, here's one last little thing that has helped me. I see a counselor once a month. One day he told me it was okay to have a pity party, I deserved it. I told him if I walked out of his office and got hit by a car, I had sure wasted some good time feeling sorry for myself. So on the days that I am really down, I have a good cry and the get back up and thank God for the fact that I'm here right now with everything I love (and a lot of things I don't like at all-LOL).

Sorry this is so long, but I believe!

Rebecca

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

Thank you Rebecca,

Thank you for sharing your story, I need to find that peace as well. I am so gratefully for all that have posted here and have given me so much support. I read every post several times, and cry while I read. The anger I have feels like its turning into hurt, like I am wounded, not sure I am describing it right.

I am currently out of town, visiting my daughter and son-in-law and its been great, I havent spent the last few days talking about cancer, or dieing, have been busy just living and spending some good time with my daughter. I really needed to get away, to relax and like Buzzard said to live, I havent done that in a long time. I think this trip will do wonders for me, to get away and to have a chance to clear my head.

I am SO VERY HAPPY about your results! WAY TO GO GIRL! I have that book ANTI CANCER, half way through it. Its a very good book thus far. I am glad your ONC is now on board with you!

I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, I am just trying to deal with all these crazy emotions I am having. C plays a big mind game on you and I just feel like I am trying to do all I can not to lose the game, does that make sense? I will WIN, I have no other choice!

Thank you and God Bless
Beth

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

I also love to travel to feel normal! When I was on chemo, if I got an extra week due to low white counts, or whatever, I would drive to my visit somebody, just to feel normal again! My youngest lives about an hour away, my oldest lives 4 hours away. I have always liked to drive, so being able to do it makes me feel like there is a part of me that cancer doesn't reach! The only problem was I would have to be sure I knew where all the restrooms were because I usually had issues with my bowels! BUT! I was always ready with an excuse if some hapless cop decided to pull me for a speeding ticket! The cap was coming off and I was going to desperately ask him to point me to a restroom so I didn't have to make a mess!
mary

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Rebecca,
Yesterday on the way to chemo, I had a mini pity party for myself. I thought, as everyone else is driving to work and school, I have to drive to chemo to go sit in a place that smells and is mighty depressing to be in, this sucks, and why do I have to do this???! Okay- I'm usually pretty upbeat and calm about it all, but it's definitely normal to have these feelings every now and then, isn't it?!
Then I get over it and move on with my day. My youngest (8) asked me last night as I was reading to her "was this a chemo day for you Mommy, because you didn't even say anything about it". I told her yes it was, and that I'm okay (fortunately, I only had Avastin this time & it doesn't make me sick like the rest does). I think it's important to try to appear normal to my kids. Well, I'm rambling now, but just wanted to share my thoughts from early yesterday.
Lisa

CherylHutch's picture
CherylHutch
Posts: 1399
Joined: Apr 2007

Hey Lisa,

I've heard others mention the "smell" of chemo, or how even the "smell" of the chemo room can make them feel nauseated. I have never ever smelled a smell.. either of my own chemo or when I was sitting in the chemo chair in a room with 4 chemo chairs/4 chemo patients.

So, now the question begs being answered... is it common that people can smell chemo or is it just some and that is sort of a side affect that affects some and not others?

Hugggggs,

Cheryl

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

I think it depends on the drugs. I asked my onc about it and he said the drugs make the nasal passages more sensitive, along with the chemicals coursing through the vein can actually be "smelled" as they move through the veins in the nasal passages. It didn't hit me as much my last rounds of chemo, but the first 2 around were awful! After my second round of chemo, when i finished, i left my blanket at the clinic... I couldn't even stand to have that smell around my house even if it WOULD have washed out eventually!
mary

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi again Beth,
You asked how I got this peace. Honestly, all I did was ask and pray and then expected it. Our personalities are all different, part of that is probably a bit of my personality (I used to tend to be somewhat of a doormat at times, although I definitely had gotten over that, but accepting my lot in life was actually not always that hard for me, although of course nothing had ever been as bad for me as compared to getting this cancer). I prayed a lot for God to send his Holy Spirit to me for the "peace that surpasses all understanding". Keep claiming it, even when you don't feel it. I will keep praying for it for you. I know it doesn't come to everyone in the same way, but I do believe it WILL come to you.
Keep in touch- take care!
Lisa

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Even the smell of the alcohol prep will make me quite nauseated, so I think it's probably a mental thing, really. When I was on Folfox last year, my youngest daughter said she could smell the chemo on my skin. No one else, including me, could smell what she was talking about, but she could. She said I don't smell like that "this time".
Another smell at the oncology office that makes me nauseated is the smell of the soap in their bathroom. Sometimes now my shampoo scent (which I always loved before) makes me feel like I'm going to puke. Very weird. I don't actually smell the chemo chemicals themselves, if that's what you thought I meant. But I guess some people do.
Scent can be a very powerful thing. Interesting, huh?

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

I had the smell aversion so bad my daughter would give me some of her tangerine smelling lotion to put on my finger and put under my nose and it helped tremendously. Of course, once chemo was over, i couldn't stand the smell of tangerine for quite a while! I must be over it now, though cause I have some yummy tangerine scented hand soap in my kitchen right now!
mary

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

Thats whats making me so nauseous all the time..The smell...I thought it was just me...I sometimes lay in the bed and lay there gagging because of this putrid odor I keep smelling and it is chemo. If not for the smell I would feel a lot better. I have some of the adhesive remover towelettes that smell like oranges. Im going to start keeping them around for that smell I need to stay away from. The oranges are a lot better than the chemo....Good thinking ya'll thanks......

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