Mental Issues
Just thought I would throw out some thoughts and see what others might think or share what they might have gone through.
I was DX in June 07, did surgery/chemo/rad, NEDs on June 08, it came back in Nov 2008 with mets to the lung, surgery again and now on oral chemo.
The first go around I was in denial, pretty much just a robot going through the motions of doing what I had to do. Then with it coming back, I really feel it has hit me harder then the original DX, weird huh? I feel like I am losing it, I feel like I have spent the last few months just planning on dieing, not living. Lost all interest in just about everything. I cry about everything and nothing sometimes at the same time. I am on anti depresents, but I think they might need to be upped. I dont care about paying bills, cleaning house, getting dressed, or even taking a shower. I just want to walk away and disappear. I am so pissed off, I cant see straight. I dont know how to deal with this anger anymore, its eating me up and affecting everything in my life. I cant seem to get passed the "why me" question. I know I am not special and that this beast affects so many people from all over the world. I just dont understand why this has happened to me, I am being selfish I know, but I cant help feeling this way. I just dont know what to do.
I am thinking about checking myself into a hospital and I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else has gone through these feelings and if so what did they do and did it help? I just feel I am at the end of my rope.
Thanks for listening
Beth
Comments
-
Awww Beth...
I feel for you! I don't think that what you are going through is all that unusual or that uncommon... and I bet it hits most people this way to varying degrees, no matter what the serious illness.
I don't think it's a bad idea to meet with a counsellor of some type and really lay it on the line. Not just that you are scared, but that you are so pissed off that it is affecting your life, your day to day functioning, and more than likely the people around you. Get it all out and let that health professional know that you can't continue on like this AND expect to be able to heal yourself.
I agree... the anti-depressant meds you are on are probably not a high enough dosage, but you don't want to go fooling around with the dosage yourself. Chances are the docs will want to change the type of med. There are a kajillion kinds of anti-depressants out there and can be combined with anti-anxiety meds... but they do have to experiment a bit to get the right combination for you. Just like this disease hits us all differently, meds do the same thing.
Speaking purely for myself, and only myself, I have not gotten the angry phase. I've been told that is perfectly normal and that at some point I will get it... but both when I had the "Oops, sorry wrong person" hysterectomy 8 years ago and now this nasty bout of cancer, neither time have I gotten angry. My downfall is fear... and outright terror. Both have hit me and every now and again I have a flare up... usually when some silly doctor who isn't thinking feels he (and sorry guys, but it always seems to be a "he") has to talk to me bluntly. Hey, I don't need to be told that cancer is a monster and I certainly don't need to be told doom and gloom stories about it, thank you very much. I'm not in denial... I know I have it and I know it has metastacized, but that's as much power as I will give it. As far as I'm concerned, we are going to treat it and we will continue treating it to keep it under control... and if someone comes up with a cure to eliminate it, then I want to be around and take that magical treatment. If they don't find it in my lifetime, then fair enough... let's keep it under control until I die of old age. But DO NOT tell me doom and gloom and stories about how this is a nasty disease that brings down so many people. La-La-La-La-La... I'm not listening!!
But obviously I do listen and then I freak out... and I keep obsessing, "There is just no way that I am going to die... no way!" And that's when I have to start really doing my meditations and sending my thoughts out to the Universe about the things that I AM going to do in my lifetime and that some may die of this horrid disease, of which I am very sorry, but I'm not going to be one of them!
I mentioned in another post, I went to see my GP today and he gets just as mad when he hears someone in the medical field has told me some doom and gloom story, or mouthed off statistics. He curses and says, "Just who do they think they are helping by saying any of this stuff? It's almost as if they have a "God Complex" and feel they can spout off statistics of who will live and who will die...morons!" He then told me of one of his patients who, to look at him, you would think he is the perfect example of a healthy big male. There is absolutely nothing sickly looking about him. Yet, he has colon cancer that has metastacized to his lungs and has HUNDREDS, yes HUNDREDS of mets in his lungs. From a medical point of view, there's nothing they can do because there are just too many. But he has no problem breathing, when my doc listens to his lungs, they are perfectly clear, and he's had hundreds of mets for 2 years now. The oncologist doesn't even know if he has new mets or not because there are too many to count.
My GP said both this patient of his and me have a few things in common... not only the cancer (and I have nowhere near the number of mets that he does), but the two of us are perfectly happy to go on living life and not let doctors dictate who we should be feeling.
I don't know if that helps you at all Beth... but you have so much going for you and although this is a huge battle we all are fighting, it can be fought and so far, you are winning!! I don't think you should be worried about whether you should be getting more kinds of chemo or not, but more so... the anger is going to play havoc on the healing. Cancer thrives on stress... and what is more stressful than anger and negativity. This is not to say your anger is not justified or real... it IS... but you want to see if someone can help you with it so that it doesn't feed the cancer.
And in one of these topics, I put a recipe for a very simple soup that is suppose to be proven in Taiwan to heal cancer... whether one believes in it or not, hey it can't hurt to try. Meanwhile, you will never know if it was the chemo or the soup that did the trick... but if you end up NED then who cares what it was??
Hugggggggs,
Cheryl0 -
CHERYL----SOUPCherylHutch said:Awww Beth...
I feel for you! I don't think that what you are going through is all that unusual or that uncommon... and I bet it hits most people this way to varying degrees, no matter what the serious illness.
I don't think it's a bad idea to meet with a counsellor of some type and really lay it on the line. Not just that you are scared, but that you are so pissed off that it is affecting your life, your day to day functioning, and more than likely the people around you. Get it all out and let that health professional know that you can't continue on like this AND expect to be able to heal yourself.
I agree... the anti-depressant meds you are on are probably not a high enough dosage, but you don't want to go fooling around with the dosage yourself. Chances are the docs will want to change the type of med. There are a kajillion kinds of anti-depressants out there and can be combined with anti-anxiety meds... but they do have to experiment a bit to get the right combination for you. Just like this disease hits us all differently, meds do the same thing.
Speaking purely for myself, and only myself, I have not gotten the angry phase. I've been told that is perfectly normal and that at some point I will get it... but both when I had the "Oops, sorry wrong person" hysterectomy 8 years ago and now this nasty bout of cancer, neither time have I gotten angry. My downfall is fear... and outright terror. Both have hit me and every now and again I have a flare up... usually when some silly doctor who isn't thinking feels he (and sorry guys, but it always seems to be a "he") has to talk to me bluntly. Hey, I don't need to be told that cancer is a monster and I certainly don't need to be told doom and gloom stories about it, thank you very much. I'm not in denial... I know I have it and I know it has metastacized, but that's as much power as I will give it. As far as I'm concerned, we are going to treat it and we will continue treating it to keep it under control... and if someone comes up with a cure to eliminate it, then I want to be around and take that magical treatment. If they don't find it in my lifetime, then fair enough... let's keep it under control until I die of old age. But DO NOT tell me doom and gloom and stories about how this is a nasty disease that brings down so many people. La-La-La-La-La... I'm not listening!!
But obviously I do listen and then I freak out... and I keep obsessing, "There is just no way that I am going to die... no way!" And that's when I have to start really doing my meditations and sending my thoughts out to the Universe about the things that I AM going to do in my lifetime and that some may die of this horrid disease, of which I am very sorry, but I'm not going to be one of them!
I mentioned in another post, I went to see my GP today and he gets just as mad when he hears someone in the medical field has told me some doom and gloom story, or mouthed off statistics. He curses and says, "Just who do they think they are helping by saying any of this stuff? It's almost as if they have a "God Complex" and feel they can spout off statistics of who will live and who will die...morons!" He then told me of one of his patients who, to look at him, you would think he is the perfect example of a healthy big male. There is absolutely nothing sickly looking about him. Yet, he has colon cancer that has metastacized to his lungs and has HUNDREDS, yes HUNDREDS of mets in his lungs. From a medical point of view, there's nothing they can do because there are just too many. But he has no problem breathing, when my doc listens to his lungs, they are perfectly clear, and he's had hundreds of mets for 2 years now. The oncologist doesn't even know if he has new mets or not because there are too many to count.
My GP said both this patient of his and me have a few things in common... not only the cancer (and I have nowhere near the number of mets that he does), but the two of us are perfectly happy to go on living life and not let doctors dictate who we should be feeling.
I don't know if that helps you at all Beth... but you have so much going for you and although this is a huge battle we all are fighting, it can be fought and so far, you are winning!! I don't think you should be worried about whether you should be getting more kinds of chemo or not, but more so... the anger is going to play havoc on the healing. Cancer thrives on stress... and what is more stressful than anger and negativity. This is not to say your anger is not justified or real... it IS... but you want to see if someone can help you with it so that it doesn't feed the cancer.
And in one of these topics, I put a recipe for a very simple soup that is suppose to be proven in Taiwan to heal cancer... whether one believes in it or not, hey it can't hurt to try. Meanwhile, you will never know if it was the chemo or the soup that did the trick... but if you end up NED then who cares what it was??
Hugggggggs,
Cheryl
I can't locate the post where you had the receipt for the Taiwan Soup. Could you give it to me please...Maybe send it via private email? Anything is worth a try.
Marygale0 -
Depressed
Dear, Dear Beth. It is awful to feel like you are feeling. All the classic symptoms of severe depression. Believe me, I know it well. I was suicidal for a long time prior to diagnosis. Fortunately, about 2 months before my diagnosis I started on antidepressants. If I had not been on them at the time of diagnosis, there's no telling what may have happened. At any rate, we had to change meds and dosages a few times, and up the dosage about half-way through treatment.
Beth, I cannot emphasize enough that you work more with your doctor regarding the antidepressants. I know that daily life feels like trying to sprint through a swamp of quicksand. I don't know who is working with you on the antidepressants, your oncologist or your GP. Please make an appointment and be very, very frank about how you feel. You may need a combo. I'm on Wellbutrin and Lexapro, Wellbutrin for depression and Lexapro for anxiety. It has changed my life.
Don't give up. You can make your anger work FOR you, but you cannot do this if you are drowning in depression. When you get on the right meds and dosage a lot of this anger will go away. Anger is usually an expression of hurt, and your cancer has hurt you emotionally as well as physically. I know you have also had to cope with a lot of financial issues which is enough to send anyone into depression alone. So work with your doctor and find the right level for you.
You are a special person. There is a reason you are here. Take your life back and fill your purpose.
Hugs and prayers,
Kirsten0 -
I am so sorry
Beth, you need to speak to a counselor and like yesterday! I know when my ex was dealing WELL with his depression, it was only when he was using the meds in combo with a counselor. When he decided he didn't need the counselor anymore (because she told him he need to make some changes he didn't want to make) he started going back down hill again. You need to get all that festering stuff out in the open before they kill you! Please make a call today! You might need to speak with the psychiatrist about a dosage and/or med change as well.
mary0 -
Call your doctor
Beth, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Please talk to your doctor immediately and stress that you HAVE to have relief from these feelings. That's a miserable way to be going around. Also, if you are a praying woman, pray hard. I know I'll be praying for you.
*hugs*
Gail0 -
Dear Beth, snap out of it.
Dear Beth, snap out of it. Don't you wish that would work. I find myself laughing at my dad sometimes. He tells my mom to snap out of it all the time as if there is just this magical switch that changes one's perspective. Truth of the matter is, I can only give you advice that is through my experiences and not clinical or professional advice. I know it's not ok to go about your day like you are, but it is ok to admit sometin' ain't right here... and try to find answers. Like everyone else has said above, time to see the doc. You're not weak for feeling this way, just as you are none the weaker for having cancer. We don't get to pick our ailments, but God can and we must trust him.
I know I was in a cloud of dark funk when my mom was diagnosed and for the impending months ahead I knew we would face. However, it became evident to me that I had to take care of myself, if not for me for her. I kept really busy. At that time I was working full time as in house counsel, part time with my own practice, taking care of my mom on nights and weekends and planning a wedding. But there is a kicker here, I used it all to avoid dealing with my emotions and I would come home and crash and burn sometimes, to the point I was wallowing in self-pity. I did not seek professional assistance, though my now husband called me a ball of axiety and told me I should many times. I channeled my anger and anxiety in other ways...i trained for triathalons, I quit taking on so much and I let myself feel my emotions.
Leave it to the professionals to figure you out. This too shall pass.
peace0 -
Soupcaptainhop said:CHERYL----SOUP
I can't locate the post where you had the receipt for the Taiwan Soup. Could you give it to me please...Maybe send it via private email? Anything is worth a try.
Marygale
Sure Marygale... I'll send you the article/recipes in private message. I had posted them in the Alternative Medicine topic which didn't get a lot of response, so I'm not sure how much interest there is in alternative suggestions. I don't fully embrace them, myself... on the other hand, when I come across something that makes sense and I can see it certainly wouldn't hurt to try it... then what the heck
Check your private mail in a few minutes
Huggggggs,
Cheryl0 -
SOUPCherylHutch said:Soup
Sure Marygale... I'll send you the article/recipes in private message. I had posted them in the Alternative Medicine topic which didn't get a lot of response, so I'm not sure how much interest there is in alternative suggestions. I don't fully embrace them, myself... on the other hand, when I come across something that makes sense and I can see it certainly wouldn't hurt to try it... then what the heck
Check your private mail in a few minutes
Huggggggs,
Cheryl
Thanks,Cheryl,
Neither do I support Alternative Med. a lot, but heck....soup isn't going to hurt anyone and Hop must eat nourishing meals. Just thought I might give it a try, as it would be something different....with my luck, he won't like it........But then, he usually eats anything I fix.
Marygale0 -
some advicekrystiesq said:Dear Beth, snap out of it.
Dear Beth, snap out of it. Don't you wish that would work. I find myself laughing at my dad sometimes. He tells my mom to snap out of it all the time as if there is just this magical switch that changes one's perspective. Truth of the matter is, I can only give you advice that is through my experiences and not clinical or professional advice. I know it's not ok to go about your day like you are, but it is ok to admit sometin' ain't right here... and try to find answers. Like everyone else has said above, time to see the doc. You're not weak for feeling this way, just as you are none the weaker for having cancer. We don't get to pick our ailments, but God can and we must trust him.
I know I was in a cloud of dark funk when my mom was diagnosed and for the impending months ahead I knew we would face. However, it became evident to me that I had to take care of myself, if not for me for her. I kept really busy. At that time I was working full time as in house counsel, part time with my own practice, taking care of my mom on nights and weekends and planning a wedding. But there is a kicker here, I used it all to avoid dealing with my emotions and I would come home and crash and burn sometimes, to the point I was wallowing in self-pity. I did not seek professional assistance, though my now husband called me a ball of axiety and told me I should many times. I channeled my anger and anxiety in other ways...i trained for triathalons, I quit taking on so much and I let myself feel my emotions.
Leave it to the professionals to figure you out. This too shall pass.
peace
i got a christmas present and it was literature from DR bernie siegel http://www.berniesiegelmd.com and he talks alot about healing and mind over matter, and the exceptional patient and those who survive cancer and those who succumb, and those will probably get cancer because of how their mind works etc..and i have barely even gotten very far with the info and already i have so much hope.. You have to make the decision you are not going to die from this... use the principles from "The Secret" and believe you will survive, every day tell yourself you are a survivor, when you look in the mirror imagine yourself an old lady living into your 90's/ thank yourself for your healing.... surround yourself with laughter and as much positivity as possible...get rid of things in life that bring you high amounts of stress. You can google or watch on youtube multiple videos of how to practice postive affirmations... what you fear you will create for yourself, so you have to try and change your thinking.
In a book I have from Oprah's Dr Oz, he talks about how stress lowers your immune system and triggers cancer and can cause it to grow. he also talks about laughter can reverse it, and kills off tumors by producing certain substances, so he recommends watching and reading funny things. He also talks about the importance of doing meditation and how it boosts the immune system to heal the body.
Practice visualization- i got the video 'visions for cancer healing' and it has relaxation stuff, and videos of actual apoptosis so you can visualize those cancer cells dying.
Go to amazon.com and search through the cancer books and read the reviews.. i just ordered several that i think will be very helpful in helping me retain hope..i am so excited to get them!
my degree and work is in nutrition so i may be partial to this but i think nutrition plays a HUGE role in killing cancer cells and preventing them from growing out of control..keeping them at bay etc... I was not practicing very good nutrition at the time of my diagnosis because of severe stress, but it definitely will play a part in my post chemo period. I have the books 'foods that fight cancer' and 'healing cancer with nutrition' by patrick quinlon and there is ALOT of good info in there, and after reading it you feel very excited that you will live a long happy life.. it talks about the antioxidants and how they work to kill free radicals, and how some foods work as well as avastin to block blood vessel formation to supply nutrients to the tumor..how cancer hates cabbage,,, benefits of green tea, how big turmeric is in fighting off colon cancer as well-(of course talk to doctor first because some of these things interfere with chemo/meds) in fact their is a whole chapter on that. I have had the wonderful opportunity to work in a nutrition research lab and the people who wrote this book are basing it on sound scientific, lab reported studies and not just their opinions etc...
I am not sure if you are going to get a break from chemo or if your doctor would advocate juicing during it or not but as i am sure you have read on here that
juicing as well can be very good at helping your body heal as the fiber components are removed and your body absorbs the nutrients right into the cells..of course emily can help you with that. Maybe at this time cancer treatment centers of america would be a good choice for you to try- they deal with all aspects of treatment and can help you with the proper nutrition and supplements, they can help you with the spiritual aspect, the mind body medicine and homeopathic stuff. There are some very good stories coming out of there of people with metastatic cancer even pancreatic that are 10 years out and still cured from this different approach.
Working in a hospital as a clinical nutritionist, the one thing i notice all the time is that after diagnosis hardly anyone changes their diets and i think it is the most important time ever to make those changes.. i base my diet on mostly plant food and fruits and vegetables with just small amounts of meat, and very very little red meats and sugars. When chemo is done, I plan to juice daily, to eat flaxseed, and high antioxidant foods...i will be taking calcium with vit d, curcumin, fish oil, japanese green tea, (does anyone know where to buy this? aspirin, and am still researching what else...
Also make sure to exercise... the studies show a 50% reduction in colon cancer recurrences or keeping cancer from growing if you stay active..
Are you religious? I am catholic and do novenas and we have a patron saint of cancer, and a patron saint of of things almost despaired of (St Jude) who i love to pray novenas to and which gives me great comfort....in fact every wednesday at the big st jude shrine their is a special novena for cancer patients where all these priests and people pray for you, and you can submit your own prayer and they will put it at their altar and pray for you specifically..
Don't be a statistic..fight fight fight with everything at your disposal: Healing your mind, exercise, nutrition, laughter, meditation, visualization....0 -
I care!
Hi Beth,
As so many others have mentioned, do not put off any longer going to your doctor to up and/or change the antidepressants! Ask for a referral to a counselor or a local cancer support group. This is definitely a great website for that, but you need to meet with a professional or someone in person!
I know you have mentioned your faith in God in other posts, so I know it's there! It's likely that this may be a time of doubting for you and feeling like you don't hear or "feel" God- am I right? Cry out to Him, as you probably already have, but keep doing it- He IS there and loves you. I am praying for you right now that God will give you peace and comfort and take away this cloud of depression. To be on meds for it certainly doesn't mean you have a lack of faith in God for it, either. I believe it would be foolish not to take advantage of medications that are available- please do follow through on that.
I, too, had a recurrence after just 3 months and had a hard time. I believed (and still believe) that I had a miracle with my major rectal tumor disappearing and with the rest of my body reacting so well to the chemo that I was considered NED. My question and feelings of anger/frustration with God were, "God, if you gave me a miracle before, why in the world would you let the cancer start growing back again?!" I don't believe it's unChristian to sometimes question God. Honestly, I never got an answer for this question, but I did receive a peace about it finally. Certainly, I'm not thrilled about it- it's a major, major bummer! But, I know that God has the ultimate plan for me in mind, even if I can't understand it one it right now! I do trust in Him.
Beth, I'm not giving up on you and I KNOW God isn't either!
Take care- cry out to the Lord and go get your medication adjusted and seek a counselor or group for support- like TODAY! We're all your cheerleaders- "Go, go, go- you can do it!!!!"
Hugs,
Lisa0 -
Need more medskmygil said:Depressed
Dear, Dear Beth. It is awful to feel like you are feeling. All the classic symptoms of severe depression. Believe me, I know it well. I was suicidal for a long time prior to diagnosis. Fortunately, about 2 months before my diagnosis I started on antidepressants. If I had not been on them at the time of diagnosis, there's no telling what may have happened. At any rate, we had to change meds and dosages a few times, and up the dosage about half-way through treatment.
Beth, I cannot emphasize enough that you work more with your doctor regarding the antidepressants. I know that daily life feels like trying to sprint through a swamp of quicksand. I don't know who is working with you on the antidepressants, your oncologist or your GP. Please make an appointment and be very, very frank about how you feel. You may need a combo. I'm on Wellbutrin and Lexapro, Wellbutrin for depression and Lexapro for anxiety. It has changed my life.
Don't give up. You can make your anger work FOR you, but you cannot do this if you are drowning in depression. When you get on the right meds and dosage a lot of this anger will go away. Anger is usually an expression of hurt, and your cancer has hurt you emotionally as well as physically. I know you have also had to cope with a lot of financial issues which is enough to send anyone into depression alone. So work with your doctor and find the right level for you.
You are a special person. There is a reason you are here. Take your life back and fill your purpose.
Hugs and prayers,
Kirsten
Yes I am seeing a psychiatrist for meds, but I am going to call him today to see if I can get an appointment as soon as possible. I am falling fast and I need help, and for me to say that, its not to be taken lightly if ya know what I mean. I am scared and I am so tired of feeling like this, will it ever end!
Thank you for your response, your very sweet and I appreciate it. I know from all of your post how important you stress the fact that antidepressants work, and I have to say I totally agree with you. They have helped me in the past a few times and I have seen them work miricles on family members. Although I dont think Tom Cruise would like it much...LOL
God Bless
Beth0 -
Cheryl, could you post the soup recipe again here?CherylHutch said:Soup
Sure Marygale... I'll send you the article/recipes in private message. I had posted them in the Alternative Medicine topic which didn't get a lot of response, so I'm not sure how much interest there is in alternative suggestions. I don't fully embrace them, myself... on the other hand, when I come across something that makes sense and I can see it certainly wouldn't hurt to try it... then what the heck
Check your private mail in a few minutes
Huggggggs,
Cheryl
Cheryl,
Would you mind posting the soup recipe here? You've got me curious!
Lisa0 -
Your LuckyCherylHutch said:Awww Beth...
I feel for you! I don't think that what you are going through is all that unusual or that uncommon... and I bet it hits most people this way to varying degrees, no matter what the serious illness.
I don't think it's a bad idea to meet with a counsellor of some type and really lay it on the line. Not just that you are scared, but that you are so pissed off that it is affecting your life, your day to day functioning, and more than likely the people around you. Get it all out and let that health professional know that you can't continue on like this AND expect to be able to heal yourself.
I agree... the anti-depressant meds you are on are probably not a high enough dosage, but you don't want to go fooling around with the dosage yourself. Chances are the docs will want to change the type of med. There are a kajillion kinds of anti-depressants out there and can be combined with anti-anxiety meds... but they do have to experiment a bit to get the right combination for you. Just like this disease hits us all differently, meds do the same thing.
Speaking purely for myself, and only myself, I have not gotten the angry phase. I've been told that is perfectly normal and that at some point I will get it... but both when I had the "Oops, sorry wrong person" hysterectomy 8 years ago and now this nasty bout of cancer, neither time have I gotten angry. My downfall is fear... and outright terror. Both have hit me and every now and again I have a flare up... usually when some silly doctor who isn't thinking feels he (and sorry guys, but it always seems to be a "he") has to talk to me bluntly. Hey, I don't need to be told that cancer is a monster and I certainly don't need to be told doom and gloom stories about it, thank you very much. I'm not in denial... I know I have it and I know it has metastacized, but that's as much power as I will give it. As far as I'm concerned, we are going to treat it and we will continue treating it to keep it under control... and if someone comes up with a cure to eliminate it, then I want to be around and take that magical treatment. If they don't find it in my lifetime, then fair enough... let's keep it under control until I die of old age. But DO NOT tell me doom and gloom and stories about how this is a nasty disease that brings down so many people. La-La-La-La-La... I'm not listening!!
But obviously I do listen and then I freak out... and I keep obsessing, "There is just no way that I am going to die... no way!" And that's when I have to start really doing my meditations and sending my thoughts out to the Universe about the things that I AM going to do in my lifetime and that some may die of this horrid disease, of which I am very sorry, but I'm not going to be one of them!
I mentioned in another post, I went to see my GP today and he gets just as mad when he hears someone in the medical field has told me some doom and gloom story, or mouthed off statistics. He curses and says, "Just who do they think they are helping by saying any of this stuff? It's almost as if they have a "God Complex" and feel they can spout off statistics of who will live and who will die...morons!" He then told me of one of his patients who, to look at him, you would think he is the perfect example of a healthy big male. There is absolutely nothing sickly looking about him. Yet, he has colon cancer that has metastacized to his lungs and has HUNDREDS, yes HUNDREDS of mets in his lungs. From a medical point of view, there's nothing they can do because there are just too many. But he has no problem breathing, when my doc listens to his lungs, they are perfectly clear, and he's had hundreds of mets for 2 years now. The oncologist doesn't even know if he has new mets or not because there are too many to count.
My GP said both this patient of his and me have a few things in common... not only the cancer (and I have nowhere near the number of mets that he does), but the two of us are perfectly happy to go on living life and not let doctors dictate who we should be feeling.
I don't know if that helps you at all Beth... but you have so much going for you and although this is a huge battle we all are fighting, it can be fought and so far, you are winning!! I don't think you should be worried about whether you should be getting more kinds of chemo or not, but more so... the anger is going to play havoc on the healing. Cancer thrives on stress... and what is more stressful than anger and negativity. This is not to say your anger is not justified or real... it IS... but you want to see if someone can help you with it so that it doesn't feed the cancer.
And in one of these topics, I put a recipe for a very simple soup that is suppose to be proven in Taiwan to heal cancer... whether one believes in it or not, hey it can't hurt to try. Meanwhile, you will never know if it was the chemo or the soup that did the trick... but if you end up NED then who cares what it was??
Hugggggggs,
Cheryl
Cheryl,
In a way your very lucky for not feeling the anger. I too feel the fear and it takes hold of me every now and again, but thats when I have to rely on faith to smooth over the fear. I know it sounds really strange because I should be doing that with the anger, but its God that I am angry at, I know lots of people would be very mad at me just saying that. But its how I feel, and I feel guilty for that but I cant make it stop. I dont like being angry at God, because I do know he is a loving God, and not a vengeful one, but the question of WHY ME, I did everything right to the best of my ablilities, I never harmed anyone, I was always there to help others, always putting others way before me. AM I perfect, Hell NO, but WHY ME! I just feel I could be doing so much more work to help others, but yet I get hit with this, what the hell did I do? Again I dont want to sound like I am special or above anyone else, because I know I am not. I am just struggling now and feeling very helpless and lost.
God Bless
Beth0 -
NEED MORE MEDS ---BETHdorookie said:Need more meds
Yes I am seeing a psychiatrist for meds, but I am going to call him today to see if I can get an appointment as soon as possible. I am falling fast and I need help, and for me to say that, its not to be taken lightly if ya know what I mean. I am scared and I am so tired of feeling like this, will it ever end!
Thank you for your response, your very sweet and I appreciate it. I know from all of your post how important you stress the fact that antidepressants work, and I have to say I totally agree with you. They have helped me in the past a few times and I have seen them work miricles on family members. Although I dont think Tom Cruise would like it much...LOL
God Bless
Beth
Just now read your post. Hey, girl...God isn't done with you yet. HE still has some important things for you..........and I'm betting it has something to do with helping others. Maybe your post will help others.
Just wanted to tell you I'm praying for you ((even stopped typing to say a prayer asking for a miracle in Healing, RIGHT NOW)) Hop and I have seen 2 miracles and I truly believe you can too. HANG IN THERE GIRLFRIEND. WE ALL LOVE YOU AND WE'RE ALL PULLING FOR YOU TOO.
God Bless and a
Great Big Bear Hug to You,
Marygale0 -
I had a similar reaction to my recurrance
Beth - You're not alone. I figured that even though I was diagnosed with stage IV in Jun 07 I could fight this and be done with it, and I was for 18 months (6 months of FOLFOX). In Dec 08 my CEA spiked to 15 and a PET Scan confirmed 3 mets in the mesenteric fat, so now I'm on Xeloda, oxilaplatin and avastin. I think for me part of the depression has been my Dr.'s attitude, which sucks! That's why I'm going for a second opinion both within and outside my HMO. My Dr. basically gave me 2 years. So my husband and I sat around and cried and talked way too much about what will happen after I'm gone. I'm trying to limit these discussions and focus on getting my paperwork for the second opinion and keeping things as normal as possible. I'm still going to boot camp to work out and to work. Having something else to focus on helps.
I hope that in addition to the antidepressants that you have a professional to talk to. If your insurance doesn't have mental health or you can't afford it, try your local cancer support center (American Cancer Society, Wellness Community, etc) to see if they offer free group and/or private therapy centers. I love my group at the Wellness Community, we're all in the same boat and are able to offer up what works for us. It really helps to have people in similar situations to talke to (like the folks on this board).
I hope you feel better! Traci0 -
Welcome to my worldpolarprincess said:some advice
i got a christmas present and it was literature from DR bernie siegel http://www.berniesiegelmd.com and he talks alot about healing and mind over matter, and the exceptional patient and those who survive cancer and those who succumb, and those will probably get cancer because of how their mind works etc..and i have barely even gotten very far with the info and already i have so much hope.. You have to make the decision you are not going to die from this... use the principles from "The Secret" and believe you will survive, every day tell yourself you are a survivor, when you look in the mirror imagine yourself an old lady living into your 90's/ thank yourself for your healing.... surround yourself with laughter and as much positivity as possible...get rid of things in life that bring you high amounts of stress. You can google or watch on youtube multiple videos of how to practice postive affirmations... what you fear you will create for yourself, so you have to try and change your thinking.
In a book I have from Oprah's Dr Oz, he talks about how stress lowers your immune system and triggers cancer and can cause it to grow. he also talks about laughter can reverse it, and kills off tumors by producing certain substances, so he recommends watching and reading funny things. He also talks about the importance of doing meditation and how it boosts the immune system to heal the body.
Practice visualization- i got the video 'visions for cancer healing' and it has relaxation stuff, and videos of actual apoptosis so you can visualize those cancer cells dying.
Go to amazon.com and search through the cancer books and read the reviews.. i just ordered several that i think will be very helpful in helping me retain hope..i am so excited to get them!
my degree and work is in nutrition so i may be partial to this but i think nutrition plays a HUGE role in killing cancer cells and preventing them from growing out of control..keeping them at bay etc... I was not practicing very good nutrition at the time of my diagnosis because of severe stress, but it definitely will play a part in my post chemo period. I have the books 'foods that fight cancer' and 'healing cancer with nutrition' by patrick quinlon and there is ALOT of good info in there, and after reading it you feel very excited that you will live a long happy life.. it talks about the antioxidants and how they work to kill free radicals, and how some foods work as well as avastin to block blood vessel formation to supply nutrients to the tumor..how cancer hates cabbage,,, benefits of green tea, how big turmeric is in fighting off colon cancer as well-(of course talk to doctor first because some of these things interfere with chemo/meds) in fact their is a whole chapter on that. I have had the wonderful opportunity to work in a nutrition research lab and the people who wrote this book are basing it on sound scientific, lab reported studies and not just their opinions etc...
I am not sure if you are going to get a break from chemo or if your doctor would advocate juicing during it or not but as i am sure you have read on here that
juicing as well can be very good at helping your body heal as the fiber components are removed and your body absorbs the nutrients right into the cells..of course emily can help you with that. Maybe at this time cancer treatment centers of america would be a good choice for you to try- they deal with all aspects of treatment and can help you with the proper nutrition and supplements, they can help you with the spiritual aspect, the mind body medicine and homeopathic stuff. There are some very good stories coming out of there of people with metastatic cancer even pancreatic that are 10 years out and still cured from this different approach.
Working in a hospital as a clinical nutritionist, the one thing i notice all the time is that after diagnosis hardly anyone changes their diets and i think it is the most important time ever to make those changes.. i base my diet on mostly plant food and fruits and vegetables with just small amounts of meat, and very very little red meats and sugars. When chemo is done, I plan to juice daily, to eat flaxseed, and high antioxidant foods...i will be taking calcium with vit d, curcumin, fish oil, japanese green tea, (does anyone know where to buy this? aspirin, and am still researching what else...
Also make sure to exercise... the studies show a 50% reduction in colon cancer recurrences or keeping cancer from growing if you stay active..
Are you religious? I am catholic and do novenas and we have a patron saint of cancer, and a patron saint of of things almost despaired of (St Jude) who i love to pray novenas to and which gives me great comfort....in fact every wednesday at the big st jude shrine their is a special novena for cancer patients where all these priests and people pray for you, and you can submit your own prayer and they will put it at their altar and pray for you specifically..
Don't be a statistic..fight fight fight with everything at your disposal: Healing your mind, exercise, nutrition, laughter, meditation, visualization....
Hehehe PolarPrincess! Welcome to my world... this is what I have been saying without starting a whole topic/discussion because I didn't want to offend those who have a strong belief in traditional religions. If I were to go off on a tangent about the Laws of Attraction, "you are what you think", "what you put out there in the universe in the way of thought, you receive tenfold", "what you can do when illness or tragedy strikes, with thought and visualization", etc., I could see this getting into a huge argument about religion vs any other thoughts. So, I do play low key here... it's not worth it to me to upset anyone, or even make them question what they have strong beliefs in. I figure, whatever works and gets you through this journey, then that is great... I just go about it in a different way than the "norm".
But Dr. Bernie Siegel has some wonderful explanations and ideas that truly are inspiring. And I also love the writings of Deepak Chopra.
I figure things are going really well if one can live a happy, peaceful life full of hope the majority of the time... and when there are those times that you are scared, or start questioning yourself because of something a doctor(s) has said to you... well, we are human and it doesn't hurt to remember that now and again
Hugggggs,
Cheryl0 -
Beth, I was just thinkingcaptainhop said:NEED MORE MEDS ---BETH
Just now read your post. Hey, girl...God isn't done with you yet. HE still has some important things for you..........and I'm betting it has something to do with helping others. Maybe your post will help others.
Just wanted to tell you I'm praying for you ((even stopped typing to say a prayer asking for a miracle in Healing, RIGHT NOW)) Hop and I have seen 2 miracles and I truly believe you can too. HANG IN THERE GIRLFRIEND. WE ALL LOVE YOU AND WE'RE ALL PULLING FOR YOU TOO.
God Bless and a
Great Big Bear Hug to You,
Marygale
Beth, I was just thinking the same thing as Marygale. We never know who reads these posts and there very well could be a fellow warrior who has shared your same feelings but has yet to acknowledge it or who just needed to hear someone else say the same things about how they feel; to have encouragement that they're not alone. You may have helped someone and not even know it by going through what you're experiencing. I echo the others, hang in there, get your meds worked out and talk to someone.
Here's a hokey way that I dealt with my anger that may help you. I found something in my room, an inanimate object like a pillow or a picture on your wall. I focused on sending all my negative energy into that object. I glared at it, screamed at it and focused my negative flow of energy towards it. It really seemed to help. Then when I had done that for awhile I burned it. It felt so damn good to burn those negative feelings. I found that small stuffed animals worked best for me as pictures and pillows got expensive and weren't so easy to burn lol.
There, my secret is out, lol, but hey it helped and with what we're dealing with, it's whatever works!
Hugs and prayer to you!0 -
Bethunknown said:This comment has been removed by the Moderator
I did reply to you asking how I kept my faith and how it stayed so strong ...Its in VickiCOs thread where you ask me that question....my reply to this one is.....you have not fully turned it over to God yet....When my life started dwindling and spiraling he was the only one that would take all the pain and trouble away. I let him have it. I have never worried about how long I was going to live since the day I did it. I get sick, I puke my guts out sometimes, but ya know what ? when I do I always feel better and ready to go again...
Go see your Dr and tell him Buzzard said that you need some more meds for depression, or have him up your dosage. He will until you find yourself not thinking or dwelling on it as much. Beth, I think about my cancer every single day......when it gets to be to much I find my hidie hole and cry, I'm not talking about a little cry, Im talking bawling , I never do anything halfway....but I never do it in front of my children. My wife knows when Im needing some My time but the kids don't understand it so they never see it. Its human, survival instinct is also human. Yep, why me? I have 4 children 4-6-14- and 23....why me ? who knows.......yep, He does and in time He'll let me know also......My bet is that He saw 4 children that needed a Dad to guide them through this life.....I was always there for them but never was really there if you get my drift. The Man upstairs really got my attention, I sure am glad He did.....I owe Him everything..........God Bless ya hun....0 -
most important jobBuzzard said:Beth
I did reply to you asking how I kept my faith and how it stayed so strong ...Its in VickiCOs thread where you ask me that question....my reply to this one is.....you have not fully turned it over to God yet....When my life started dwindling and spiraling he was the only one that would take all the pain and trouble away. I let him have it. I have never worried about how long I was going to live since the day I did it. I get sick, I puke my guts out sometimes, but ya know what ? when I do I always feel better and ready to go again...
Go see your Dr and tell him Buzzard said that you need some more meds for depression, or have him up your dosage. He will until you find yourself not thinking or dwelling on it as much. Beth, I think about my cancer every single day......when it gets to be to much I find my hidie hole and cry, I'm not talking about a little cry, Im talking bawling , I never do anything halfway....but I never do it in front of my children. My wife knows when Im needing some My time but the kids don't understand it so they never see it. Its human, survival instinct is also human. Yep, why me? I have 4 children 4-6-14- and 23....why me ? who knows.......yep, He does and in time He'll let me know also......My bet is that He saw 4 children that needed a Dad to guide them through this life.....I was always there for them but never was really there if you get my drift. The Man upstairs really got my attention, I sure am glad He did.....I owe Him everything..........God Bless ya hun....
Beth, This disease is rough on our minds and you are not alone. I have felt the why me anger, I counter with "why not me", this has changed me in many ways. I was a workaholic whose life revolved around my profession. My life has changed, in public and in private. Fighting this disease sucks, but it does make me realize how lucky I am, I have two great boys 10 and 12, a great wife and 7 year old step daughter. The way I choose to face the hand I have been dealt makes a big difference. I find the postings here inspirational, there are alot of stories here that make me think how strong this group of people are, tough fighters who care about each other. I had to get Ativan from my doc because I thought about things so much I could not sleep. Get some better medication regimen and you'll find the mental edge again, we need you here with us. Take care0
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