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He's Gone!

IAMGONE
Posts: 5
Joined: Mar 2008

Hello, I have not been online in two months. My husband Bobby died on June 19,2008. I am still in great pain. Go from the den to the bed, cry and pray constantly. He was sick for six years, I did my best to care for him, In April, I knew this was coming, yet still not prepared, never prepared. IAMGONE, now he is gone too, I think about him all of the time, but I do not feel him. I don't know what to do, or think, or do....IAMGONE

jagged
Posts: 55
Joined: Apr 2008

Dear IAMGONE,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss of spouse. You obiously loved him and did everything you could to help while maintaining the fort. After a six year battle, therapy helps.

Cancer just $ucks. My heart go out to you.

--jag

hoppy2
Posts: 10
Joined: May 2008

I do not believe anyone can be prepared to loose a loved one. I will be praying for you, that God will help you through this time. Your husband is not suffering any longer. Keep the memories in your heart, it is hard and yes it is true that in time it will be easier. I never believed that when my father passed away, but it does. I can now look at pictures and smile remembering good times instead of crying each time I saw a picture of him. God bless and may God help ease your pain.

dscott
Posts: 35
Joined: Feb 2008

Dear Iamgone,
I know your pain. I lost mine on May 1. His battle was not as long. He was diadnosed last Aug.24.I do know a lot of the pain you are feeling. I have not started to find the place yet that this gets better. There is a site called griefnet. that can be of some help. I know that John made a bad turn in March but when he died in May I was still in shock. My thoughts are with you during this dark time....Debbie

IAMGONE
Posts: 5
Joined: Mar 2008

Thanks for your responses. I am really trying to eat and sleep right, it's just not happening yet. I feel like I need some type of sign from him. I just don't feel him anymore, and that worries me. I know this sounds irrational, but his sisters are having angel dreams and seeing things in the sky. When I sleep, I am just so exhausted I don't even dream at all. His picture is everywhere in this house. But I took down the "sick" photo's, and put up pictures of us when we were happier, when he was not sick. I want my old Bobby back, the one I fell in love with. I've already gone through his things, and cleaned out his dressers gave the nicer more meaningful stuff to his brothers and nephews, the rest to Goodwill. All I have to do are the condolence cards that are sitting in the funeral home bag on one of my dining room chairs, I simply can't open it yet, and it's been two months. My sister wants me to go on anti-depressants, but I do not want that. I think I somehow need to feel this pain right now, I mean $hit my friggin husband just died, how do you think I should feel, even after such a long, grueling sickness, and a horrific death that I still can't get out of my mind. I did not shed one tear at his funeral. He had asked me to write and say his Eulogy because he felt that I knew him best. Looking back, that was his final gift to me because for that day it did make me stronger. But now, everyone thinks I'm so strong and handling this, when the reality is that I was able to do that because I was so numb. But I'm thinking if I would have showed my brokenness and pain at the time, maybe I would be getting more support from family, friends, and neighbors, all I get is Oh, you did a great job on his Eulogy. Well, I had to, I had no choice, I had promised Bob that I'd do it. There is a Native American school in South Dakota and I am going there on Sept. 13 through the 22, I will be taking a bus tour to see real Indian Reservations along the Lewis and Clark trail. I am going for their annual PoWWow which I hear is supposed to be healing. I hope so, maybe I'll get a sign there. We used to go camping and hiking in the mountains, before he got sick, and I just feel drawn there now. I have become a hermit. If I can just get these thank you cards out for the condolence cards, I can get ready for my trip and hopefully find some peace. I don't know what to do. I just want reassurance that he is ok. I/we were/are religious, and prayed daily, but I really think that we both though that we would have a miracle or something. I guess there aren't many modern miracles around these days, maybe only in the bible. I just have so many questions it seems and not enough answers. I did go to a bereavement group for three sessions, there are no anwers there. Just validations of symptoms of grief. So here I am a 48 year old childless widow, waiting for something to happen to give me peace. Thanks for listening, Love IAMGONE

lindy3
Posts: 12
Joined: Jul 2008

Dear Iamgone

I know exactly how you are feeling. I too lost my husband after a six and one half year battle with a brain tumor. I would not wish those days on anyone, yet I would not trade that time with him either. I too did not dream nor did I ever receive a sign. I have been widowed for 15 years now and at first I was too busy. I still had young children at home and I guess that was a good thing because I had to keep going and be "strong". Yet I cannot tell you how many nights I sobbed myself to sleep. Finally, after about a year and a half I went for grief counseling. I had not realized it but I had turned into a living "b---h" because I was so angry. The counseling helped but I have to be honest; not a day goes by that I don't miss him, especially now with my lung cancer, but the grief does get better with time and I'm able to remember the happier times more often then the bad times. Hang in there and keep on doing what you're doing. It will get better.

Lindy3

IAMGONE
Posts: 5
Joined: Mar 2008

Oh, Lindy3,

After dealing with your husbands brain tumor, and raising your kids alone, now you have lung cancer??? How cruel is that. Oh my God, I am so sorry. What type is it? Bob first had small cell oat, after chemo and radiation he went into remission for about a year. Then it came back as Non small cell, and that chemo Taxotere really tore up his insides, before long he had fluid around his heart, and blood transfusions, was falling, etc. It was terrible. But I don't mean to scare you, sincerely feel for you. I guess the good thing is that you have your children around, I hope, to help you. Eat lots of blueberries, and pinneapples are very good for your lungs. And we went to the Health food store a lot, and got Cassies Tea, which is Essiac spelled backwards. It's a combination of herbs that are supposed to be helpful, but not when you're getting chemo, after the chemo.
Oh, Lindy3, no sign after 15 years, I can't even imagine. Here I am after only 2 months waiting for a sign. I guess your message to me is not to wait for a sign, so and live my life while I still can, because I may never get a sign. I'm glad I'm going to South Dakota and I know when I'm there I will probably be saying oh, Bob would love this! But I will love it for both of us, and I will somehow pull myself out of this misery and live again! Although I'm definately not ready for another man, not yet anyway, but I still feel young, and would like to think that someday Love will find me again. I don't know, God bless you and thanks for wriiting back! Love IAMGONE Did you ever re-marry?

lindy3
Posts: 12
Joined: Jul 2008

Dear Iamgone,

No, I never remarried. I guess I was too busy and by the time I had time to think about dating I was pretty well set in my ways. You're right, I am close to my kids, all four of them and I have 10 grandchildren. Eight of them are under eight so it gets very interesting around here. They all live close by and I see them often. Actually, that was one of my biggest regrets, my first grandchild was born nine months to the day that my husband died. He would have enjoyed the children so! I had non small cell lung cancer and I had my entire left lung removed in August last year. I actually am cancer free right now. I have finished chemo (Cisplatin & Navilbene) and my latest scans are clean. I thank God every day. I will have to retire at the end of the year because I am finding that working is just too much for me, but, I'll have plenty to keep me busy so I'm not worried about it. While I feel well I have planned a trip to Europe for next month, England and Italy and I'm very excited about it. It sounds like you are on the right track in going to South Dakota. You will find yourself actually enjoying some things and don't feel guilty if you do. Your Bob would want you to go on living. Stop looking for a sign. Your husband will always be with you; in your heart where he belongs. Take Care. Lindy
PS: My husband's name was Bob too!

bettys_kid's picture
bettys_kid
Posts: 6
Joined: Jul 2008

i lost my mom oct 27th 2006 to lung cancer. its almost been two years and it still feels like yesterday. i didnt know a person could indure this much pain. i know what you are going through, and i would be willing to listen to you anytime! write me and you can really get it out. take care, tiffany

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