He's Gone!

He's Gone
Thanks for your responses. I am really trying to eat and sleep right, it's just not happening yet. I feel like I need some type of sign from him. I just don't feel him anymore, and that worries me. I know this sounds irrational, but his sisters are having angel dreams and seeing things in the sky. When I sleep, I am just so exhausted I don't even dream at all. His picture is everywhere in this house. But I took down the "sick" photo's, and put up pictures of us when we were happier, when he was not sick. I want my old Bobby back, the one I fell in love with. I've already gone through his things, and cleaned out his dressers gave the nicer more meaningful stuff to his brothers and nephews, the rest to Goodwill. All I have to do are the condolence cards that are sitting in the funeral home bag on one of my dining room chairs, I simply can't open it yet, and it's been two months. My sister wants me to go on anti-depressants, but I do not want that. I think I somehow need to feel this pain right now, I mean $hit my friggin husband just died, how do you think I should feel, even after such a long, grueling sickness, and a horrific death that I still can't get out of my mind. I did not shed one tear at his funeral. He had asked me to write and say his Eulogy because he felt that I knew him best. Looking back, that was his final gift to me because for that day it did make me stronger. But now, everyone thinks I'm so strong and handling this, when the reality is that I was able to do that because I was so numb. But I'm thinking if I would have showed my brokenness and pain at the time, maybe I would be getting more support from family, friends, and neighbors, all I get is Oh, you did a great job on his Eulogy. Well, I had to, I had no choice, I had promised Bob that I'd do it. There is a Native American school in South Dakota and I am going there on Sept. 13 through the 22, I will be taking a bus tour to see real Indian Reservations along the Lewis and Clark trail. I am going for their annual PoWWow which I hear is supposed to be healing. I hope so, maybe I'll get a sign there. We used to go camping and hiking in the mountains, before he got sick, and I just feel drawn there now. I have become a hermit. If I can just get these thank you cards out for the condolence cards, I can get ready for my trip and hopefully find some peace. I don't know what to do. I just want reassurance that he is ok. I/we were/are religious, and prayed daily, but I really think that we both though that we would have a miracle or something. I guess there aren't many modern miracles around these days, maybe only in the bible. I just have so many questions it seems and not enough answers. I did go to a bereavement group for three sessions, there are no anwers there. Just validations of symptoms of grief. So here I am a 48 year old childless widow, waiting for something to happen to give me peace. Thanks for listening, Love IAMGONE

lindy3 said:

Dear Iamgone
I know exactly
Dear Iamgone

I know exactly how you are feeling. I too lost my husband after a six and one half year battle with a brain tumor. I would not wish those days on anyone, yet I would not trade that time with him either. I too did not dream nor did I ever receive a sign. I have been widowed for 15 years now and at first I was too busy. I still had young children at home and I guess that was a good thing because I had to keep going and be "strong". Yet I cannot tell you how many nights I sobbed myself to sleep. Finally, after about a year and a half I went for grief counseling. I had not realized it but I had turned into a living "b---h" because I was so angry. The counseling helped but I have to be honest; not a day goes by that I don't miss him, especially now with my lung cancer, but the grief does get better with time and I'm able to remember the happier times more often then the bad times. Hang in there and keep on doing what you're doing. It will get better.

Lindy3

He's Gone
Oh, Lindy3,

After dealing with your husbands brain tumor, and raising your kids alone, now you have lung cancer??? How cruel is that. Oh my God, I am so sorry. What type is it? Bob first had small cell oat, after chemo and radiation he went into remission for about a year. Then it came back as Non small cell, and that chemo Taxotere really tore up his insides, before long he had fluid around his heart, and blood transfusions, was falling, etc. It was terrible. But I don't mean to scare you, sincerely feel for you. I guess the good thing is that you have your children around, I hope, to help you. Eat lots of blueberries, and pinneapples are very good for your lungs. And we went to the Health food store a lot, and got Cassies Tea, which is Essiac spelled backwards. It's a combination of herbs that are supposed to be helpful, but not when you're getting chemo, after the chemo.
Oh, Lindy3, no sign after 15 years, I can't even imagine. Here I am after only 2 months waiting for a sign. I guess your message to me is not to wait for a sign, so and live my life while I still can, because I may never get a sign. I'm glad I'm going to South Dakota and I know when I'm there I will probably be saying oh, Bob would love this! But I will love it for both of us, and I will somehow pull myself out of this misery and live again! Although I'm definately not ready for another man, not yet anyway, but I still feel young, and would like to think that someday Love will find me again. I don't know, God bless you and thanks for wriiting back! Love IAMGONE Did you ever re-marry?