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About this battle

christeleb's picture
christeleb
Posts: 60
Joined: Apr 2007

Dear friends,

I was wondering something...

Do you ever feel that you will not win this battle? I mean does it hit you sometimes that NED or a cure will not come around?

I found myself lately having these thoughts, although I'm upbeat MOST of the time. After my RFA on Sept 6th, it's been hard for me to recover physically (tired, back issues for having to sleep flat on my back, neuropathy...).

I don't think I'm depressed (or maybe I'm but i'm in denial!!), but i really can't help it. I started chemo again last week (#6).

I'm always wondering if there is a future. i guess i'm still new dealing with this (dx April 07), so that might explain my "issues".

Sorry about the negative thoughts, but I know that this website is THE place to talk about this.

Thanks for listening,

Christele

christeleb's picture
christeleb
Posts: 60
Joined: Apr 2007

Also, for those who don't "know" me, I was diagnosed Stage IV, I'm 36 and I have a 15 months old daughter.

Christele

sladich's picture
sladich
Posts: 430
Joined: May 2007

Christeleb,

All of us at some point have felt what you are feeling. It will pass. Try and think positive thoughts. You will beat this beast.

Debbie

davidsonxx's picture
davidsonxx
Posts: 137
Joined: Mar 2007

I think a lot of stage IV people feel like that at some point. I was only stage II and still thought about that a few times during treatment. We have a serious disease and we could lose the fight. Fortunately for me I found some great postings when I was at my lowest point. The essence of them follows.

Yes I have a potentially fatal disease that could kill me. However I could get killed in a car accident on my way to work tomorrow. Do I obsess about having an accident and never leave my house. No, I take reasonable steps to prevent it and live my life. My cancer may ultimately kill me but NOT TODAY!

Sometimes we try to look too far into the future and get overwhelmed with what ifs. Try to take it one day at a time and it is much easier to deal with.

changing
Posts: 135
Joined: Oct 2006

It's "normal" to feel this way at times...just don't stay there. I don't know if you were on this site back a few months ago...there was a post calling for all stage 4's. If you can find it, I stongly encourage you to go back and read the posts. Some have been living for 9 and 13 yrs! Very encouraging! Hang in there...we're here for you!

mich1968's picture
mich1968
Posts: 9
Joined: Aug 2006

Hi, I am mbmeder67 or (michelle) that just posted about the cooking spices (READ IT). I just had my 39th b-day on oct 6, I found out I had stage 3 at 37. I just finished 8 months of 50 hours every 2 week of 5FU the first of may this year. Now that it is Oct I feel like my body is going backwards. Beat up, slowing down. Just remember try to eat as many proteins as you can, keeps up the systems, and remember no matter how bad you feel, if you woke up today, IT HAS TO BE A GOOD DAY. We all have the hard days, and our private moments, and thats ok, if we didn't we would loose our minds. But don't ever let it beat you, if you find yourself somewhere that makes you unhappy, or makes you think of the pickle your in then move, get up and go somewhere else, keep yourself in places where you don't have to think so hard. I hope this helps, even a little. Michelle

shmurciakova's picture
shmurciakova
Posts: 910
Joined: Dec 2002

Wow, thanks Michelle, although somewhat unrelated, I am a Stage IV survivor and I have been so fortunate to be NED, but some reason I have gotten down in the dumps this summer over work. My boss is not encouraging me. She keeps insinuating that I have a problem getting along with people, when actually it is my co-worker who is the problem. She does not see this and it has really been getting me down. I know in my heart that it is trivial, especially compared to what I have been through. Your words really helped me today! Thank you. I will "move", get up and go somewhere else, where I don't have to hink so hard.
Thanks,
Susan H.

scouty's picture
scouty
Posts: 1976
Joined: Apr 2004

Oh Christele,

I can completely relate to your post. Back in October of 2004 when the chemo stopped working for me and I still had what my oncologist thought was 4 active tumors (surgery had never been an option for me), I had to make by far the most difficult decision I have ever had to make in my life; continue chemo when I felt like it was killing me and was no longer working or try a few alternative types of things.

I chose to stop chemo and build up my body with the help of a naturopathic doctor and lots of dietary/lifestyle changes.

BUT none of that kept the "bad thoughts" away. I've posted this before, but I so remember a night that I was really scared and was crying myself to sleep. In my mind, I had planned my will and was planning my funeral. I had it all figured out until it came to what I would wear in the casket. I decided on a really cute skirt outfit everyone always complimented me on (I had good looking legs back then). For a moment or two I laid there okay with it all and then all of a sudden I realized if I was to be buried in a skirt then that meant I would have to wear panty hose!!!!!

There was no way I was going to "live for all eternity" in a pair of pantyhose and the next thing I know I am laughing and crying at the same time. I will never forget the feelings I had that night, such an eruption of so many emotions.

It all has been a little easier and lighter to deal with since then. I think I require it to be.

As you said, this is the place to talk about this kind of stuff.

Hugs and keep me posted as you continue your journey. It really is an interesting peril at times.

Lisa P.

christeleb's picture
christeleb
Posts: 60
Joined: Apr 2007

Lisa,

Your story about the pantyhose is hilarious, I'm at work and I was laughing out loud. I'm sure my co workers thought I was crazy!!

Thank you again,

Christele

jerseysue's picture
jerseysue
Posts: 626
Joined: Oct 2005

I'm also a stage IV trying to beat the "odds" of this horrible disease. Yes I do think to myself I wonder if this is the time the chemo won't work. I've been fortunate that when the cancer comes back the chemo kicks it butt. I'm wishing that this time the cancer doesn't come back ever. I was dx in April 05 and it has come back 2 times. I'm working right now on my recurrence taking Xeloda 2 times a day and taking the weekends off. My CEA is going down and that is a GREAT thing. Your thoughts will wander but shake them off and keep on fighting.

Limey's picture
Limey
Posts: 447
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi Christele, I can relate to your post big time. After 4 times going on Chemo I wonder will I beat it or will it beat me.
Then I remember that I have already won the battle because made a choice to be a solider and fight.

Getting cancer is not a choice, taking a stance to fight is your choice and I find that the empowerment in choosing to kick butt is huge infighting this disease.

Today was an elcrapo day for me. My good friend called me and reminded me that if I limit my whine to less than 15 minutes per day, I get to have many hours of positive experiences for the rest of the day. I have a 20yr old beautiful daughter and two adopted younger boys. I used be angry that my partner convinced me to adopt when I was fighting this beast. I really did not want to get to know a child just to loose him.

I have since realized what a difference I have been able to make in their lives and more important, what a difference they make in mine. Often, they have been my strength.

Short or long our time may be Christele, KNOW you have already WON.
Celebrate your victory today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and.......
Mark

christeleb's picture
christeleb
Posts: 60
Joined: Apr 2007

Mark,

I can relate to you when you talk about your kids. At first, I felt sorry to have given birth to my daughter and then getting cancer. I felt sorry for her. But now she gives me strength especially the days I just don't want to move but she pulls on my hand so I can go play with her.

I will do what you say and I will make everyday a victory day.

Thank you,

Christele

robinvan's picture
robinvan
Posts: 1014
Joined: May 2007

Hi Christele,
Like many of the others who have responded to your post I also have times when I wonder if I will make it. What helps me through these times is knowing people who have continued to survive in the face of tough odds (like many on this site). I'm in to this over 3 years now and have recently fought off a liver recurrence with the help of RFA. My "future horizon" is beginning to expand again. Last weekend I finally went on a shopping spree and bought new clothes!!
There may come a day... but it is not this day!!
Don't beat yourself up for having down days... but if you find yourself in the valley too long... find some help for getting out of it.
Peace and Blessings... Rob; in Vancouver

crazylady
Posts: 544
Joined: Jun 2004

Hi Christele,
I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I was diagnosed in March 2004 and since then have had 3 surgeries and am now in my 4th round of chemo. The hardest thing for me with chemo is that the side effects have been debilitating and there is no guarantee that it will work, but I am still here, still able to enjoy my children and grandchildren. When I have negative thoughts I try to think of something positive to counteract them and of course there is always hope.
Don't apologize for having negative thoughts. I think we all have them at some point. Take good care of yourself and try to do things that are fun and not cancer related. I have found that this really helps me.
Take care,
Jamie

christeleb's picture
christeleb
Posts: 60
Joined: Apr 2007

To all!!

This is the kick in the butt I so needed (and expected from you all as survivors). Thank you so much for all your posts they warmed up my heart.

What would I do wihout you, I can't even imagine. I wish I could hug each one of you. In the meantime I'm sending a bunch of cyber hugs!!

OK, here it goes: "today I got out of bed, spent time with my daughter and went to work, so today is a great day". This will be my motto going forward. just like Scarlett O'hara said in Gone with the wind "tomorrow is another day".

Have a great day yourself.

Christele

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

...and find something to laugh about everyday. A funny movie, a funny joke, a crazy outfit you see someone wearing...

And if THAT doesn't work, well, go find a bar to dance on....worked for me!!!!

Hugs, Kathi

christeleb's picture
christeleb
Posts: 60
Joined: Apr 2007

yep, I saw the picture on the colonpalooza website...looks like you were having a great time!!!

mrsriderman
Posts: 48
Joined: Aug 2007

hi chritine

i was dx on june07 with stage 4 w/ mets in both lung and liver and a tumor on one limp node. even thogh my c.t. scan have reduced them . i too still worry. i think is normal. he is a lady on this site that gives me great hope.(apache4)
look at her web page. i have no real thoghts of wisdom other than " life isnt about riding waiting for the storms too pass"- its about learning how to dance in the rain"( i stole that from this blog site-- i love it)

you are in my prayers lisa r

hopefulone
Posts: 1048
Joined: Jan 2007

Cristele, I'm so glad your back on the "up" days! It's normal to worry about the future, but don't let it prevent you from enjoying the present! Enjoy that baby of yours and I believe that you will someday be posting about her "terrible teens"! lol. God Bless and keep the faith.

Diane

barbc
Posts: 12
Joined: Sep 2007

Thanks, Christele, for being so honest about your feelings in your post. And glad to hear you are doing better!
I too have had a tough time staying positive, and all these great replies really helped me too! So thanks again for posting!

Barb

christeleb's picture
christeleb
Posts: 60
Joined: Apr 2007

Dear Barb,

you're very welcome. I know I'm not the only one with these feelings, so it makes me feel good to know that I can help others by posting my "issues" on this website.

Christele

jsaun74
Posts: 4
Joined: Sep 2007

What made you get checked at such a young age. My dad was just dx in May with stage 3. When I went to my Dr. he is not concerned with us kids being checked before the age 40. I'm 32. & it scared the crap out of me. Did you have signs before hand that made you go to the Dr??

christeleb's picture
christeleb
Posts: 60
Joined: Apr 2007

Dear jsaun74,

you can read my story on my webpage (search for christeleb), but to make a long story short, here it is:

My mom died of colon cancer in 1998 at 48. About 4 years ago I asked my family doc to get a colonoscopy. She said I was too young.....then it's April 2007 and I felt a pulse in my chest. I had an ultrasound that spotted the liver mets and the rest is history (the pulse disappeared, like my body was giving me a sign that something was wrong). I had NO symptoms. Obviously besides the tumors the cancer had not done any other damage yet.
The only way to be sure is to get a colonoscopy. That's what you need to do, and if you have siblings I would tell them the same thing. My brother had one and he's fine. I also had some genetic testing done, so far no gene has been identified.

Do not listen to you doc, go get your colonoscopy ASAP!

Take care,

Christele

spongebob's picture
spongebob
Posts: 2599
Joined: Apr 2003

christele -

I think by now you get the picture that everyone gets down from this disease. I know I sure did. I remember nights laying in bed wishing it would just take me away. And then I'd look at my kid's photos.

It's normal to get depressed - and there are meds for that. There's no shame in taking them to get your brain chemistry back in whack. Talk to your doc.

By the way, Scouty, panty hose or not, remember that the bottom half of a casket is closed and folks only see you from the waist up. I plan to be buried in my finest fanciest uniform (on top) and a pair of comfortable sweat pants down below!

I do plan to wear shoes with good heat-resistant soles, you know... just in case...

Be well and be happy, christele! Any day that you get vertical is a GOOD day!

- SB

alta29's picture
alta29
Posts: 435
Joined: Mar 2005

I was feeling just like this last night...I was nauseaus( I'm sure I misspelled it ) pain every where, headache) and all because of my CT today...I am a little better know because there's nothing I can do until I get the results...I really don't know if I will ever feel save, but I know I do have much better days.....We will be ok...

vman1300
Posts: 80
Joined: Sep 2007

Christele,

As a reletave newbie, DX 8-14-07, stage IV w/mets to my liver, I have felt every single emotion the human body can feel for the last 2 months.

This has been a roller coaster, with amazing highs and yes the lows. Finding this site was such a blessing, it has helped keep my sanity along with a frying pan upside my head from my wife from time to time.

It is in the human nature to sometimes look at the negative....there are times that it seems that is all I can focus on.

When that happens, I take a step back, pick myself back up and BELIEVE with all my might that this is not gonna keep me down.

With my faith in God, I know he will bring me throught this trial. I continue to look at this as just another chapter in my young(36)life.....

Believe,

Kevin

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