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Somebody tell me....

pepperdog's picture
Posts: 96
Joined: Jun 2006

How does one get through the incredible pain and sorrow of losing their spouse? This Friday will be four weeks since I lost my husband. My life as I knew it ended on October 20th at 8:15 PM. I held my husband as he passed from this life. I still can't believe it and it seems like a bad nightmare. He was the most wonderful human being and I miss him so very much. Why do we have to go through so much pain? I truly understand how the elderly die from sorrow when they lose their mate. It would be so much easier to go than stay.

Posts: 166
Joined: Jul 2005

I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now. There is nothing that will take the pain away but I believe time may lessen it.
There was a poem that MINDY10 posted a little while back that I just found and posted below for you to read.
Take care and stay strong,

I stood by your bed last night,I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying. You found it hard to sleep. I whispered to you softly as you brushed away a tear, It's me, I haven't left you, Im well, Im fine, Im here." I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,. You were thinking of the many times your hands reached out to me. I was with you at the shops today. Your arms were getting sore. I longed to take your pacels, i wish I could do more. I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care. I want to re-assure you, that Im not lying there. I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently put my hand on you, I smiled and said its me." You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there. Its possible for me to be so near you everyday. To say to you with certainty, I never went away. You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew... in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you. The day is over.. I smile and watch you yawning and say "Good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning light". And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I'll rush across to greet you and we will stand, side by side. I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out... then come home to be with me.

vinny3's picture
Posts: 933
Joined: Jun 2006

I don't think there is any one way to get through it. Keeping busy can help if you are able to do that. The loss will always be there. Try to think what he would have wanted you to do. Having close friends can help. It is in times like this that you find out who your real friends are. Getting out and seeing people, volunteering may help but it is probably too soon to do that. I'm sorry but it seems like my suggestions are trivial in relation to your loss but maybe something I have mentioned will help. Just try to hang in there yet and keep coming back here for support.

We will pray for some peace in your life.


jsabol's picture
Posts: 1156
Joined: Dec 2003

Today is my dad's birthday; he passed away nearly 6 years ago from recurrent colon cancer and mets, on Dec 27th, his 58th wedding anniversary.
I still miss him, but I can't imagine how hard it was and is for my mom. She often says that it is a terrible price to pay for 58 good years, but she lets her mind fly to the good times.
I hope you have many good memories to sustain you until you find some lessening of the pain. Judy

spongebob's picture
Posts: 2598
Joined: Apr 2003

pepper -

I can't tell you how to get through your loss. There are several others here who have endured the same. Hopefully they will have words of wisdom for you.

I wish you only peace and pray that you will get through this. Know that we are your friends and we are all here for you.

- Sponge

kangatoo's picture
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

Pepper. I guess we all have suffered by losing someone close to us but to lose a husband or wife is something I personally would not know how to deal with. If I lost my dear Jen I too would be devestated.I am fortunate she is still with me and so...no...I don't know how you feel.Several others here have lost their partners and hopefully they will respond to your call.
I have met 2 of them and am full of admiration for their strength.Hold on to your memories Pepper.
Huggs, Ross n Jen

Limey's picture
Posts: 447
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi Pepper, I don't know your situation well other than you were one heck of a care giver to your loving husband. Shortly after my Dad passed on from lung cancer, My mom sold the house, the car and most of his clothes. It really bothered my older brother. Mom told him that her life with Dad was the best she could have ever imagined and that there would always be a void without him. She went on to say that she was now entering a new chapter in her life and although she was not particurlarly excited about doing this alone, she really had to try her best to embrace it. Every year Mom and Dad traveled to europe (that is where we are from). Well mom started taking one grandchild to europe each year as they graduated from high school. She also planted trees all over her yard (Dad always mowed them down cuz it was easier). I think this is how Mom wrote her new chapter, she found new ways to still enjoy what they did together and she slowly started doing different things that she always wanted to do. I can not begin to imagine your pain and loss but I do know that the passion you put into caring for your husband can be found again in other things in your life. Each day I hope you find something that brings you a smile and peace.

Posts: 32
Joined: Jul 2005

Hi, My name is Candice and I was my husbands caregiver. He died 4/15/06 with me holding him and telling him that I loved him more than I ever thought possible. We knew he was going to die from colon/rectal cancer but we never prepaired outselves for it. We had a daughter that was killed in 91 at the age of 15. He kept me alive then for I tried to leave and be with her. Now I have to stay alive on my on. Every night I cry every night. There is not a day going by that tears are not shed and I don't sleep much and my blood presure is way to high and I pray for him to talk to me I sit at their graves then I go home and have to hide my tears cause we have a 13yr old son that also misses his father and I know my husband would want me to help him. They say the pain gets easyer over time but it doesn't you just learn to hold it in more. We were married over 30 years, I'm 51 and I will live the rest of my live dreaming of him and the time we had together. My husbands brother was murdered the same year my husband found out he had cancer, his sisters keep saying poor "p" she has to relive it every time the trail comes up. Well guess what I lived my husbands death for 23 months before he even died and then I held him as he toke his last breath and I was the one who had to say enough was enough and to let him go. Death is horrible but I know you and I will get through it day by day month by month and year by year it will be hard and the first of each event is hard. I wish you the best during this terrible holiday season, I say ba hum bug lets skip it this year.

lfondots63's picture
Posts: 822
Joined: Jan 2006

Hi Pepperdog,

I lost my dad a little over 2 months ago so only know 1/10th of your pain. He also died from cancer and it was sudden. I'm now the care giver for my mother since his death. I know the holidays are going to be the hardest for us but I also know we will only get through them together. We might cry most of the time but I know that dad is in heaven looking down on us. We have to do the best we can right now and know at a later time we will be reunited with him. BIG HUGS!!!

Lisa F.

Posts: 425
Joined: Jan 2005

My heart aches for you..and aI know no words will make the pain go away...allow yourself to grieve and try to just take it one day at a time...
Take care of yourself

Posts: 156
Joined: Mar 2006

i truly wish i had some magic words for you. try to turn to as many people as posible to help you thru this time. it would probaly break someone elses heart if you were to go so try and hang in there. my heart goes out to you. please take care.

KathiM's picture
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

My dear, sweet soul. I went to a seminar the other night on grief. I picked up an extra copy of everything. If you want, e-mail me here with your 'snail mail' address....I will send it to you.
My arms are tight around you, holding you steady.

Hugs, Kathi

pepperdog's picture
Posts: 96
Joined: Jun 2006

Terry Hollensworth
4 Warnock Springs Road
Magnolia, AR 71753

Thanks Kathi.

nanuk's picture
Posts: 1362
Joined: Dec 2003

You can't change your grief-it's a process that takes time; some longer than others, but you need help in dealing with it. Ask your medical facility
/cancer center for assistance-you need someone to talk to.. Bud

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