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Having a horrible day

Posts: 81
Joined: Jun 2001

Hello everyone! I have had such a terrible day and just need somewhere to vent and some great advice. It all started this morning when my husband, who I thought was supportive of me, told me he wants to leave me cause he just can't handle things anymore. That I have hurt HIS pride. I don't understand and am just so hurt! We haven't been sleeping in the same bed since my mastectomy cause he would always bump my chest or kick me, not on purpose, but it was hard to sleep right away. Then I started the chemo and even the slightest movement made me puke. His feelings were really hurt by this. I just don't understand! He says he loves me, but how can he when he pulls this crap! I am sick of it all too, but I am still fighting! He blamed everything on me and I feel so terrible. I don't know what to do. I am to tired to work and I also have 2 small children. My husband carries the health insurance and we all know that I can't lose that right now! Then to top things off tonight, my 2 year old daughter was jumping on the bed and she hit her head and cracked it right open, blood everywhere. My husband was at the bar throwing darts for league. I called him and said you need to come home and help me. Abby has hit her head and needs to go to the hospital. He got angry with me and didn't want to come home and help cause darts weren't done yet. He finally did show up, but then when we were at the hospital, he was mad cause the dr's were taking so long with her and he couldn't wait to get back to the bar! Maybe I am wrong for thinking that he should have come home. I then called him at 10:30 to see what time he would be coming home and he wasn't there, he had gone to another bar, called there and he said he would be home at 2 when it closed, all I said was I thought you would come home for your daughter. The response I got was this is my only night off this week, I'm going to stay at the bar. My response was, guess you have to have priorities and he said I do and they are just fine. I don't know what to do and need some advice. Please help me! I am just so upset and angry with everything! Thank you all for letting me share and vent with all of you. I really needed it! Carrie

jbeardslee's picture
Posts: 76
Joined: Jul 2001

Oh Carrie, I am so sorry. I can't offer any advice but hopefully someone here can. I hope that things get better soon. Do you have family living close by for support? We'll be praying for you. Keep us posted. give those two children a hug from all us.
love, judy

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Posts: 931
Joined: Oct 2000

Hi Carrie. I'm so sorry you are going through this nightmare! Haven't you been through enough? I don't know how to comfort you other than being here to listen and try to be supportive. Have you been to counseling? Would your husband be willing to go? That's a first step. The rest is time and hopefully, he'll realize how wonderful you are and his priorities will change .Please feel free to e-mail me here or at RPT1206@aol.com. Keep in touch! HUGS!! Cathy

Posts: 262
Joined: Feb 2001

Dear Carrie:
Bless your heart - I am trying to calm down before I tell you exactly what I think about a husband or even a wife that has that type of mentality. What makes a man a real man is protecting and providing for his family; and those who want to cut and run during the hard times (after all the wedding vows say for 'better or WORSE' - in SICKNESS and in health) are very immature and disgraceful people.
Do you go to church so you might have a minister or priest that would talk to him about responsibilities as a husband, father and human being? He is being so selfish and self centered because his world is not revolving around his needs, his wants, and he feels completely out of control. If he has always shown tendencies to you like this; by putting his own interests always first, rather than what you or the children need, then you are in trouble. If that is the case, if I were you, the first thing I would do is to talk to someone at Family and Children's Services, if you can't afford a lawyer on your own, and perhaps they can steer you in the right direction---this doesn't mean you are seeking a divorce, just finding out how to protect yourself, if he decides to hit the road. You need tender, loving care now, and I guess the husbands of those who are not able to be themselves need a little petting along the way, too.
Just remind him, that this is not a permanent situation, that things will improve. Maybe he did just need to get away from it all, and if he got to drinking or something, he may have just exploded, and will return to normal. Please, try to protect yourself as I suggested if he gets any worse. Tell him you know he is going through a really bad time right now, but if he loves you and the children, that he needs to hang in there, and be patient and try to understand that you hate the situation and would give anything if cancer hadn't attacked you. You did nothing to get cancer, it is a disease that has no respector of persons; old and young, rich and poor; every nationality; every color of skin - no one is immune to it. He could very well have it one day himself; and would need you to take care of him.
You and your family will be constantly in my thoughts and prayers. You are not the only woman whose husband has not been able to accept sickness of any kind in their wife or even their children. I have known several in my lifetime. May God bless you and give you the strength you need to get through this. Go to the Lord in prayer. When you don't understand why something is happening - then read the directions - the Bible.
Hugs and prayers,

Posts: 8
Joined: Jul 2001

Dear Carrie,
You're in my prayers. Gain support from family, friends, church, or strangers who just want to help. Accept the help. Gain help where you can. Your husband's attitude needs a fix, but you don't have the energy for it, so focus on what it takes to get you & your children through this. God Bless,

Posts: 1416
Joined: Mar 2001

Dear Carrie,
I am sorry you have to go through so much while fighting your fight. I guess I just want to remind you of how the simplicity of life. Unfortunately the biggest thing I learned through my cancer is that the train of life keeps rolling. Terrible things happen and relationships change. It is the changes that have taken place that can be so hard for someone else to comprehend. I think we all have to just remember we all do the best that we can and I would venture to say so is he. If you would ever want to chat I will be on tonight 7:00pm. I am on the West coast. Western Standard Time.
Hang in there Carrie somehow things do manage to get better. I don't know how but somehow they do.
thinking of you,

Posts: 160
Joined: Nov 2000

Carrie - My heart goes out to you and I wish that I lived close to you so that I could come to your house and help you at this terrible time. I hope your husband wakes up soon and realizes what he is doing to his family and I will pray that this will happen soon. Contact your pastor and ask him for some help at this time and also your family members. Keep your faith in God that he will help you through this terrible time in your life. If I can help you in any other way, feel free to contact me at any time.
God Bless You - Lucy

Posts: 53
Joined: Jan 2001

Dear Carrie,
I'm sorry you're having marital problems. You are right, he should have come home to help you with your daughter. This must be hard on all of you, but you both need to remember that your cancer is only temporary. Have faith that you will get better soon.
Your husband's probably terrified of losing you. Try to get some counseling, if he won't go , go for yourself.
My prayers are with you, Love,

Posts: 52
Joined: May 2001

Carrie - I will pray for you and your family. I would definitely recommend family counseling. If your husband won't go - go without him. I also hope you are trying to attend a support group between treatments. Dr. Dobson wrote a great book several years ago called "Love Must be Tough" - I suggest it highly. Right now your husband is not only scared but also feels like everything depends on him. Getting your self assurance back and your emotional strength are key needs. Stress suppresses your immune system. Concentrate on one thing at a time...getting better! Get family or friends to help with the family. Next time an emergency occurs, hopefully you'll have a trusted neighbor or friend to turn to. Keep us posted. Talking helps relieve the stress. Knowing others care makes you stronger.

Posts: 118
Joined: May 2001

Hi Carrie,

It seems your husband is scared and is loosing it. Maybe a few days separation would actually do you both good, to cool off. You know, when we are sick we are the center of attention, for the medical team, for our families and friends. The partner may feel left out. You mentionned you had believed so far your husband was supportive. Concentrate on that. Concentrate on what made you love him in the first place : he may be gentle, funny, hard working... Yes, he lost it and no, we women would never ever do such a thing , especially when a kid is hurt. You can decide for yourself what you are ready to accept and what you will not accept. But before sharing this decision with him, how about first listing on a paper all the reasons why you love him ? He may feel like he has been used and didn't get recognition for the support he has already given, who knows ? He needs your love, as much as you need his. And love is different from just assuming one's responsibilities.

Marriage, even when there is no sickness involved, is a rocky adventure. I have been married 16 years now and it has been ups and downs. But we have always worked through it together, even if at times I was ready to scream ! There are times when I felt I was not given the support I needed, and I KNOW there are times my husband felt the same way. We are not perfect, we must learn and grow together.

I hope with all my heart that you two will get through this OK, and that it will actually strengthen your relationship.

Big hugs,

pamtriggs's picture
Posts: 407
Joined: Sep 2000

Dear Carrie
Truly a horrible day. I am so sorry that this has happened to you just when you need all the support you can get. I think you need to get someone to take the children for a few hours so you can sit down & talk to your husband. Say to him that you realise that you & the family need a tremendous amount of support right now but that the cancer is only a temporary phase in your life & is he prepared to throw away a family & years of a relationship just because for a while things are a bit tough. Remind him that when you married you both promised for better or worse & in sickness & in health. Ask him how he would feel if you withdrew care & support if he bacame very sick & does he really want to do that to you the person he must have loved (& probably still does) just because the going gets a bit tough. He is behaving like a little boy right now. Can you speak to his mother & see if she can talk some sense into him. He is obviously in need of mothering right now & you are not well enough to supply that. You are the one who needs to be cared for & obviously he cannot do this. If he has always been selfish then maybe there is a deep problem there that more intensive counselling can maybe help. It may be that you do have to walk away from the marriage but you need to take steps to protect yourself & your children right now so go to see a lawyer. Is there a free advisory service in the US like the law society runs here. Some companies do pro bono work - ask your state legal registration board for advice on those that do. If not are you a signatory on the checking account. If so just use his money to pay for the advice you need. I am thinking of you & sending all the love & support I can. Love & hugs.

Posts: 2
Joined: Jul 2001

I'm a bit late reading this and I hope today is better. Our loved ones get stressed out too just like us so hopefully it was just a bad day. Some times men have a harder time with this than we do. We are here if you need to chat.

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