hate to ask-not sure if I am the only one (SURE NOT but)

disneyfan2008
disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I had issues last week-went to Dr immediatly Monday am (POSTED prviously) and had biopsies done. I TOLD MY husband of 25yrs..results Thurs or Friday. I even said wed. night I am odd duck OUT SINCE I DO not fret waiting for results! (SIDE EFFECTS of Tamoxifen)

so my friends all called or emailed me to see if results were ok...NO mention from hubby so last night I LOST IT...crying, yelling at him-would have been nice of you to ask me about results!! HE said you told me all was fine!

HE is clueless (Monday I said Dr thinks all in fine-but must wait until results to know for sure)

I am so hurt by this lack of paying attention-I am sure not the only one-

(hope you can follow my story)

Denise W.

Comments

  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #2
    It gets frustrating, but
    It gets frustrating, but they truely do think differently. My husband would have done the same thing, hearing what he wanted to hear. and closing that chapter. This is very painful for them and that is how they cope. When I get frustrated I focus on the wonderful things he has done. Its impossible for them to truely get it. So that is one reason this is such a good place, because we do! Hugs!
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #3
    Most men cope with crisis so
    Most men cope with crisis so differently from women, going into their ostrich mode or throwing themselves into work.

    In nearly every grief seminar that I have attended, this is pointed out and our different ways of coping can strain a marriage. Communicate bluntly how you are feeling and do not expect him to read your mind, because he probably is clueless ;-). But know that this doesn't mean that he does not care.

    When I confronted my husband years ago about why he never appeared worried about me, he looked puzzled by my question and then answered, "I just couldn't ever think of life without you." It wasn't that he wasn't worried after all--just a different way of coping.
  • Susan2011
    Susan2011 Member Posts: 24
    #4
    CypressCynthia said:

    Most men cope with crisis so
    Most men cope with crisis so differently from women, going into their ostrich mode or throwing themselves into work.

    In nearly every grief seminar that I have attended, this is pointed out and our different ways of coping can strain a marriage. Communicate bluntly how you are feeling and do not expect him to read your mind, because he probably is clueless ;-). But know that this doesn't mean that he does not care.

    When I confronted my husband years ago about why he never appeared worried about me, he looked puzzled by my question and then answered, "I just couldn't ever think of life without you." It wasn't that he wasn't worried after all--just a different way of coping.

    My husband & I argued last
    My husband & I argued last night because he say I am not being 'appreciative' enough, I do not think the sick person should have to say thank you all of the time for someone bringing a 'throw-up' bucket to my bedside or washing up a few dishes, I did all of this with no thanks for the entire family for 25+ years. I do not want to be in this position & was a very independent person...and this is extremely hard for the type A personality who likes to be in control of everything. He never seems worried about the surgeries & waiting for results, etc. & thinks I am unreasonable to be worried all of time
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #5
    Susan2011 said:

    My husband & I argued last
    My husband & I argued last night because he say I am not being 'appreciative' enough, I do not think the sick person should have to say thank you all of the time for someone bringing a 'throw-up' bucket to my bedside or washing up a few dishes, I did all of this with no thanks for the entire family for 25+ years. I do not want to be in this position & was a very independent person...and this is extremely hard for the type A personality who likes to be in control of everything. He never seems worried about the surgeries & waiting for results, etc. & thinks I am unreasonable to be worried all of time

    Thanks for all views
    I know they think differently-he's a good guy (been married 25 yrs) but I never missed a beat when going through all this. (worked, radiation on my lunch etc...) I am not one for attention at all, too independent but I WOULD love for him to say OPPPS OMG I DIDNT" ask you...i feel terrible (IN MY DREAM this is how it would be) but it's reversal he is mad I am too hard on him for lack of listening or paying attention

    even when friend came up at gas station him side by side me..and she hugged me and said WOW so happy all tests came out good...and kissed me -like i thought bells would go off...OMG I never asked about it..

    thanks again...i just needed to VENT!
  • Susan2011
    Susan2011 Member Posts: 24
    #6
    disneyfan2008 said:

    Thanks for all views
    I know they think differently-he's a good guy (been married 25 yrs) but I never missed a beat when going through all this. (worked, radiation on my lunch etc...) I am not one for attention at all, too independent but I WOULD love for him to say OPPPS OMG I DIDNT" ask you...i feel terrible (IN MY DREAM this is how it would be) but it's reversal he is mad I am too hard on him for lack of listening or paying attention

    even when friend came up at gas station him side by side me..and she hugged me and said WOW so happy all tests came out good...and kissed me -like i thought bells would go off...OMG I never asked about it..

    thanks again...i just needed to VENT!

    that is amazing that you
    that is amazing that you worked through this!!, I am thankful that I work out of my house and so impressed with anyone who can continue working an 'outside' job through any of this, I am going to become a bit of a hermit for a while (with no hair, I am finding out that I am a little more vain than I thought I was) With hats & wigs, I feel like I will get stared at.
  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
    #7
    disneyfan2008 said:

    Thanks for all views
    I know they think differently-he's a good guy (been married 25 yrs) but I never missed a beat when going through all this. (worked, radiation on my lunch etc...) I am not one for attention at all, too independent but I WOULD love for him to say OPPPS OMG I DIDNT" ask you...i feel terrible (IN MY DREAM this is how it would be) but it's reversal he is mad I am too hard on him for lack of listening or paying attention

    even when friend came up at gas station him side by side me..and she hugged me and said WOW so happy all tests came out good...and kissed me -like i thought bells would go off...OMG I never asked about it..

    thanks again...i just needed to VENT!

    Easier to avoid than confront issues.
    My husband kept saying he knew my biopsy would be negative. I had a different opinion. He just didn't want to deal with the possibility of cancer. He down plays everything related to my health. He is a good guy but lives in denial. He says he has a positive attitude but sometimes I feel he isn't concerned. I've made peace with it.

    Roseann
  • Jennifer1961
    Jennifer1961 Member Posts: 137
    #8
    I've had the same thing
    I've had the same thing happen. Sometimes I think these guys believe silence implies all is well, but then again I don't know what goes on inside my husbands head. I've given up trying to figure it out. I think bottom line with these guys is that they don't want to face the possibility that anything bad can happen.
  • mwallace1325
    mwallace1325 Member Posts: 806
    #9
    Men are fixers
    I found at least that applied to my husband. He was there for me totally but emotionally there was a slight disconnect that I felt on days when I wasn't projecting the feeling that everything was going to be ok. He fixes everything around the house, the cars, things at work and the idea that he couldn't fix his wife was more than he could bear. He was at every appointment, every treatment did everything I needed at home, but I could feel the distance if I was in a particlarly bad way. The solution I found was to fake it if I had to, because it made him feel better and it made me feel better too, at least most of the time.

    He's probably just as scared as you, maybe even more so.

    Hope this helps.

    marge
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #10
    mwallace1325 said:

    Men are fixers
    I found at least that applied to my husband. He was there for me totally but emotionally there was a slight disconnect that I felt on days when I wasn't projecting the feeling that everything was going to be ok. He fixes everything around the house, the cars, things at work and the idea that he couldn't fix his wife was more than he could bear. He was at every appointment, every treatment did everything I needed at home, but I could feel the distance if I was in a particlarly bad way. The solution I found was to fake it if I had to, because it made him feel better and it made me feel better too, at least most of the time.

    He's probably just as scared as you, maybe even more so.

    Hope this helps.

    marge

    denial
    oh yes...head in sand with many things...When all this started exactly 3 yrs ago..i got "THE CALL " to come back for another mammo next day. I was like ok no biggie-then said oh biospy I said NO BIGGIE then told call surgeon etc. I never complained (I actully packed my friends 3 BR house of 30 yrs of stuff alone after work nightly for few weeks)-keep up with the house, bills , worked full time etc..and one day he said "YOU should be more positivie" OMG..i wanted to bite his head off!

    once again men think differently but so frustrating to me at this moment...! so venting here really helps...
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #11
    Jennifer1961 said:

    I've had the same thing
    I've had the same thing happen. Sometimes I think these guys believe silence implies all is well, but then again I don't know what goes on inside my husbands head. I've given up trying to figure it out. I think bottom line with these guys is that they don't want to face the possibility that anything bad can happen.

    silence yes..for sure
    IF I dont' talk about it..it is ok..! wrong..come one...it is what it is...

    i told him I am not one for attention I just want a bit on concern or remember to ask about test results. NEXT TIME I'll write in on his hand with perma marker!
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #12
    Susan2011 said:

    that is amazing that you
    that is amazing that you worked through this!!, I am thankful that I work out of my house and so impressed with anyone who can continue working an 'outside' job through any of this, I am going to become a bit of a hermit for a while (with no hair, I am finding out that I am a little more vain than I thought I was) With hats & wigs, I feel like I will get stared at.

    @susan
    I did not have chemo only radiation! GOOD you can work from home!

    Denise W

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