Dear Lisa 13Q, Your reply to Linda helped me.

I know that your reply was to Linda, but I wanted you to know that I have taken it to heart for myself. Thank you for saying "..I'm not trying to minimize here, but this disease has a way of taking over when it truly hasn't taken over. Let's say, though, for the sake of argument that it's what you say, ok, well then....take back control. You are an intelligent and inspiring woman, you knew this day would come at some point.....Take control....of what you can.....My personal example is this: I know my mother is dying of this beast...I don't know if that will be this year or next, but I know... I will NOT let that day destroy me....which up until now, I've though it would..." In an earlier post I wrote today I was questioning/upset what the chemo/onc said about what he thought the next step in this terrible battle would be for me. I really, really, really, don't like his obscure approach and off hand comments to my questions. For example, when I asked him about eating raw vegetables during chemo, he quickly said no and then asked me if I like sushi. No explanation, just a joke. I asked about nutrition or supplements I could try after I showed him the results from blood tests the chemo nurse had given me a copy of after I had my last chemo delayed for low platelets, he never shows me them. His response was if he had that answer he'd be a billionaire. He's telling me that my next step probably won't be surgery because even though the bump on my chest disappeared after my first chemo, he expects it's still there. I don't know what he bases that comment on. What does he know, he didn't explain? Guess I'll know better after I see the gyn/onc in March after my 6th chemo and a CT scan. I have to stop trying to read into what he says which for me is never clear. I need to take hope in my steadily dropping CA125 which has gone down from 2,400 presurgery to the 40's after the 4th chemo. (He never tells me unless I ask, and then never says the exact number.) I decided today that I will take control of my affairs in such a way as I expect to die tomorrow so that I can rest assured that my husband and son will be okay. Then I will start living my life as if each day beyond tomorrow is a gift, but also in my control as far as what I do with it, and stop being angry and taking it out on my family. I'll rely more on my faith that my life is God's, and pray for His guidance. I'll stop rewinding that dr. appt. and start enjoying my time left with my husband and son and then buy the Cancer Fighting Kitchen, recommended by one of the ladies here, to heck with what the chemo doctor had to say about nutrition. Anyone know how to find a good naturopath in the the San Diego, CA area? Thank you for letting me rant, Christine