Just Want to Scream

I am so with you
I might add that not only do I want to scream, I don't seem to like anybody anymore and wonder if I will ever become a reasonable person again.....and my spouse has become the target of my unhappiness....my mother is dying of ovarian cancer....and for some reason it's his fault .......that's kind of a joke.....but I am guess you all know what I mean....

neverquit said:

Agree with John
I have to agree with John. There are many of us going through this same hell where we are watching our loved ones losing their battles to this beast. I am sitting tonight responding while I sit in the room watching and listening to my husband trying to breath while sleeping. He is only 54 years old. I am overwhelmed with losing my best friend and the best husband anyone could ask for. Keeping in touch on this discussion board makes you realize you are not alone in what you are going through. Hang in there.

The love of my life passed 1 month and 4 days ago. He seemed alright up until 3 days before. He was even to begin Topotecan on the day he died. The last three days of his life a feeling came over me. It was if I knew that he would be gone soon. I had thought that I would be a wreck when that time came. A grace came over me. I knew what I was needed to do. I told him I loved him, he told me the same, but in such a weak voice that I had to out my ear to his mouth to hear those words. My mind, body and soul went into respond mode. I needed to be all I could be for him. I saw to his every need. I laid next to him. I knew that soon I would not get this opportunity again. I also knew that I would have plenty of time to mourn, grieve, be angry when he was gone.

I stopped thinking about how sad it was to watch him leave, and my only concern was for his peace and comfort. Today, that grace that came over me at that moment, the things I did, gives me much comfort. I know that hours before he passed, he no longer was able to even squeeze my hand, but I could squeeze his, kiss him and tell him that I was going to be heart broken and sad of his leaving, but that I understood, and that I would be alright.

I grieve, I cry, I scream! It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I miss him so much, and have experienced the feeling that " I'm just waiting for him to call or come home". But the realty comes and I know he will not come home. I have not experienced the feeling of being angry at anyone. Perhaps because I tried very hard to come to peace with what was going to happen. And with all my spiritual belief, I felt that if I questioned, if I suffered, would that mean my belief was in doubt. Come to find out that it is ok to feel all of this, even if one is a believer. Through this process, is that I have come to be stronger in my faith, as I know that I could not have made it this far without it.

What I want to express to you all is, reach deep inside. Find that which makes you strong and courageous. The coming days may hold sorrow, but open your eyes and your hearts, you may get glimpses of joy, love and peace. I did not know this before that part of my journey came to be, maybe it might give you insight as to why and how you can go through this time and come away with a gift for yourself. The gift of having loved so deeply that you are able to give the most to the one you love, in their time of need.

Blessings and best wishes,

Lucy

DitZy2 said:

Thank you
Thanks to everyone for replying it does help to know I'm not alone in my feelings. Lisa13Q I so agree with you, I too don't like anyone anymore. I hate feeling this way but I don't know how to change it.

I guess what really set me off yesterday was being at a family gathering and my older sister saying to me "what do you have to be stressed about". Hello does she not see what is going on with her youngest sister. The lack of support and help from some in my family is just driving me crazy.

At time like this it hurts to see family so uncaring.

You are not alone!
Hey, never think you're alone. Is your sister serious about why are you stressed? My sister said two weeks after my husband died "when are you going to get over this?" Duh, what the heck do they think? Guess it's hard to understand until you have to go through it right? Everyone takes their own amount of time and heals differently. Losing the love of our life is like losing half of our body. We were one & now we're alone.
Guess we should tune everyone out, cause alot of stupid stuff will be said cause no one knows what we go through during this time. Am I clear? Seems like I'm rambling.
Take care! "Carole" (The CSN family cares, that's all that matters)

Lisa13Q said:

I am so with you
I might add that not only do I want to scream, I don't seem to like anybody anymore and wonder if I will ever become a reasonable person again.....and my spouse has become the target of my unhappiness....my mother is dying of ovarian cancer....and for some reason it's his fault .......that's kind of a joke.....but I am guess you all know what I mean....

Yes I know what you mean...
I lost the person I love most after a year and a half of an all out war with Cancer.

My husband definitely took the brunt of what I couldn't deal with. Do you and your husband a favor ease up on him. Try to tell him ways to help you and understand that he's not responsible.

But I know how you feel though. It's so damn hard watching someone you love so much hurt.

I'll pray for your mother to be healed and for you and your husband to have the strength to endure.

Welcome
Hello Ditzy and welcome to our caregivers discussion board. I was a caregiver for my dad. He passed away in March 2010 from esophageal cancer. It will soon be a whole year! I have to make myself think of this as his 1st year anniversary in heaven. He is continuing to rest in peace, no longer suffering, no longer in pain, no longer having cancer! I have to remind myself that I can not have him back here on earth, he would be so sick with cancer. He needs to be where he is in heaven. We will see our loved ones again on the other side. Coming here to this site is wonderful for you. Please continue to come here. We are in the same boat as you, some just longer. As time goes on, it does get easier. Keep yourself busy. Go to a grief and berevement group. Speak to your pastor. Seek counseling if you need to. These will all be helpful. Some days you can just go to bed and pull the covers over your head, but not too many days! What your loved one want you do? Keep in touch.
Tina in Va