HUSBAND DOES'T WANT TO TALK

poopergirl14052
poopergirl14052 Member Posts: 1,183 Member
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
ME AND HUBBY APPLEID FOR OUR NEW DRIVERS LICSENCE LAST WEEK AND I NOTICED IT WON'T EXPIRE UNTILL 2019 AND I SAID GEE I WONDER IF I WILL BE AROUND BY THEN . HUBBY TOLD ME NOT TO TALK LIKE THAT AND I AM ALWAYS BEING NEGATIVE. I AM REALLY NOT A NEGATIVE PERSON. I HAVE NVER COPLAINED ABOUT MY ILLNESS. I JUST NEEDED TO TALK ABOUT MY FEAR AT TIMES AND MY MORTALIY. I WAS KIND OF HURT AND WILLNOT SAY ANYTHING TO HIM AGAIN. i AM GLAD I CAN TALK TO YOU...VAL

Comments

  • South Jersey
    South Jersey Member Posts: 89
    #2
    Val,
    My husband reacts the
    Val,

    My husband reacts the same way whenever I mention anything that has to do with the possibility of my cancer coming back and taking my life... I think men just handle things much differently than women. My husband was amazing through my treatments, but whenever I talk about the cancer coming back, he tells me to stop thinking that way... easier said than done! Hang in there and know that you are not alone.
    Beth
  • Hissy_Fitz
    Hissy_Fitz Member Posts: 1,834
    #3
    I think Beth and I married
    I think Beth and I married the same man....LOL. My husband was super supportive during my surgery and long stay in the hospital (16 days). He slept there every night, on a little fold out thing that was about 6 inches too short. And he has been to every chemo, save one. He has learned to do the dishes and the laundry and to run the vacuum and mop the kitchen floor. He even cleans the bathroom. But he does not want to talk about me dying. I told him he could remarry, but not to anyone I knew, and he didn't want to talk about that, either.

    I have to say, I do understand where he is coming from. I was married before, and my husband died of liver cancer. Whenever he tried to broach the subject, I couldn't talk about it. It wasn't so much that I wouldn't, but I just could not do it. I would feel myself choking up and I would just turn around and leave the room. Your husband - and mine - probably feel the same way.

    But you can talk to us about it. I remember posting that I found some really cute summer shoes on clearance around Labor Day and couldn't decide if I should buy them or not, since I might not get to wear them. I felt the same way at Christmas, when I unwrapped the iPad my husband had bought me. I thought, "Now won't this be a huge waste of money if I don't live long enough to get $700 use out of it."

    I bought the shoes, and I love the iPad. I do think it's a good idea for everyone - not just cancer patients - to have an up-to-date will and to be sure their family knows what they want, as far as burial preferences. Our husbands need to make those same directives. Who knows? We might outlive them, cancer and all.

    Carlene
  • sarge57
    sarge57 Member Posts: 50 Member
    #4
    Husbands
    Hi I am commenting from the husbands perspective, I think your husband may not want to discuss as he doesnt want to deal with which some of us our guilty of, or he is trying to stay positive. My wife has advanced cervical stage 4B and can not be cured. She has made the same type of comments to me and I have said the same thing, "we dont know lets stay positive" more from a view point of not upsetting her with things. I have actually tried to discuss with her and the kids what what the future is bring us and none of them really want to even go there.

    Hope this helps, I think everyone is different and deal with this stuff differently as well.

    Good Luck
    John
  • anicca
    anicca Member Posts: 334 Member
    #5
    South Jersey said:

    Val,
    My husband reacts the
    Val,

    My husband reacts the same way whenever I mention anything that has to do with the possibility of my cancer coming back and taking my life... I think men just handle things much differently than women. My husband was amazing through my treatments, but whenever I talk about the cancer coming back, he tells me to stop thinking that way... easier said than done! Hang in there and know that you are not alone.
    Beth

    I have occasionally made
    I have occasionally made similar comments, and my husband always brushes it off, which is OK with me. I am actually careful not to talk with him about my fears, as I do not want him to be anxious or "catch" my fear. We are both prone to depression, and he has been like Carlene's husband, doing everything around the house when I could do nothing. The last thing either of us needs is for him to get depressed. I am lucky and have 3 very close friends that I can talk with. One of them (who lives far away, unfortunately,) is an OB/Gyn, and that has been particularly helpful.
  • kikz
    kikz Member Posts: 1,345 Member
    #6
    sarge57 said:

    Husbands
    Hi I am commenting from the husbands perspective, I think your husband may not want to discuss as he doesnt want to deal with which some of us our guilty of, or he is trying to stay positive. My wife has advanced cervical stage 4B and can not be cured. She has made the same type of comments to me and I have said the same thing, "we dont know lets stay positive" more from a view point of not upsetting her with things. I have actually tried to discuss with her and the kids what what the future is bring us and none of them really want to even go there.

    Hope this helps, I think everyone is different and deal with this stuff differently as well.

    Good Luck
    John

    Different reactions
    What I learned about men along time ago is that they want to fix things. When they can't, that is when they clam up or act angry or some other response that is hard for us to deal with. During the treatment they had things they could do to help but now in the "what if" phase I'm sure it is much more difficult for them. I lost my partner in 2007 long before I got sick. I try to imagine what it would have been like to have him here. He would have been a strong shoulder to lean on and supportive but he would have made it hard for me when he felt he couldn't help. I remember when our son would get sick, Tony acted like he was mad and I thought he was thinking that I hadn't taken good care of our son. He told me he couldn't stand to see him sick. I couldn't either but I had to deal with the situation. Just one of the many ways men and women differ.

    Karen
  • anicca
    anicca Member Posts: 334 Member
    #7
    kikz said:

    Different reactions
    What I learned about men along time ago is that they want to fix things. When they can't, that is when they clam up or act angry or some other response that is hard for us to deal with. During the treatment they had things they could do to help but now in the "what if" phase I'm sure it is much more difficult for them. I lost my partner in 2007 long before I got sick. I try to imagine what it would have been like to have him here. He would have been a strong shoulder to lean on and supportive but he would have made it hard for me when he felt he couldn't help. I remember when our son would get sick, Tony acted like he was mad and I thought he was thinking that I hadn't taken good care of our son. He told me he couldn't stand to see him sick. I couldn't either but I had to deal with the situation. Just one of the many ways men and women differ.

    Karen

    You are right - they need to fix things.
    Karen, you are so right, and I think that is the root of it. Most men, and some of us women too, want to fix things, and when they/we can't, it's frustrating and anxiety provoking.
  • msfanciful
    msfanciful Member Posts: 559
    #8
    Ditto with what South Jersey
    Ditto with what South Jersey and Annica said.

    Also I believe when they react this way; it is because they are terrified of that possibility.

    They just don't have a good way of dealing with these things. So even though it feels personal; don't take it personal (hope I'm not sounding too cliche-ish :-)

    It will get better as time passes though so hang in there.

    Sharon
  • poopergirl14052
    poopergirl14052 Member Posts: 1,183 Member
    #9
    thanks you
    thank you for all of your advice, I guess we are all in the same boat. My hubby has been great too.cooking ,cleaning .shopping etc,plus getting me to chemo on time. He is my rock. Maybe I let my emotions get the better of me that certain day. We have propllr that care about us and take good care of us....val
  • lindachris
    lindachris Member Posts: 173
    #10
    And another husband...
    My wife made comments during her recent round of treatments and I understood her emotions completely. In my case I told her I've had to think of some of the same things. But I told her that doesn't mean I necessarily accept her death as an outcome. But recognizing the possibility is mentally healthy for both partners. Probably it occurs from different perspectives. It's a very different prospect to consider losing your life versus losing a wife. My roommate from college lost his wife this fall to ovarian cancer. Strange that circumstance should bond us that way after all these years. And what he said about her was that they'd been friends since grade school, started dating in college and were married for more than 25 years. "Not many people get that much time together," he told me. I thought to myself, "There's a man who's trying to grieve in a positive way." And trust me, he's not always been the most positive person! He was kind of known for complaining about things. But we all found it funny. What I draw from all this is that reality is relative. And some deal with it better than others. Do men want to fix things? Most certainly. But some of us suck at that around the house, for example, and learn that we can't fix everything. During this round of treatments I received the blessings of free counseling through a cancer support center near us called Living Well. This remarkable counselor helped me understand that the most important thing in life right now--and always--is perhaps the ability to forgive ourselves. And so husbands whose wives have cancer must learn that there are some things they can't fix. And while it is hard to think about it, we are also not at fault for the situation, and should not feel guilty, any more than our wives are at fault for having cancer, nor should they feel guilty. Or ashamed. Or anything like that. We all know these things in our gut. But we must bring them out for discussion. Perhaps your husband (and many others) needs to respond on his own terms. Look for those signs. They are probably there.
  • MK_4Dani
    MK_4Dani Member Posts: 314
    #11
    My husband is the same:
    My husband is the same: stop talking negative, think positive....blah, blah, blah. So I don't bring it up and talk to my fellow teal warriors!

    Mary

    P.S.
    I finished reading The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo trilogy: It was a slow, detailed read but AWESOME!
    Mary
  • Mwee
    Mwee Member Posts: 1,338
    #12
    MK_4Dani said:

    My husband is the same:
    My husband is the same: stop talking negative, think positive....blah, blah, blah. So I don't bring it up and talk to my fellow teal warriors!

    Mary

    P.S.
    I finished reading The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo trilogy: It was a slow, detailed read but AWESOME!
    Mary

    mine too.
    He doesn't want to hear my fears. It's way too much for him. He often refers to trips/things we will do in the future. I know he is trying to help me feel more normal and I also come here for support and understanding...... as ever... Thank You, Teal Warriors!
    ((((HUGS)))) Maria
  • Pythiaschad
    Pythiaschad Member Posts: 22
    #13
    What If
    Good Morning all,

    My wife and I have had what if talks and I believe couples should to a degree because I think it does help. However, to drop a "I wonder if I'll be around then" statement would, for me, be like a punch in the stomach. Sure it's there in the back of my mind but that's exactly where I want to keep it. I believe that there is a proper place and time to talk about the what if's. To me, it is kind of like talking about, "what if we win the lottery." That's not about to happen either.

    Love you all,
    Chad

Discussion Boards