The Role of Loneliness in Our Cancer Battle and With Our Spouses

AnneCan said:

Hi Craig,
I have delayed
Hi Craig,

I have delayed responding to your thread because I wanted to say something "helpful, inspirational, the "right thing" etc. I have decided just to post my own "real" thoughts, straight from the heart.

First of all, you + Kim must be two incredibly strong people to have come through all that you have come through + with such dignity.

It is never too late to make new friends. Old friends are great but if they are not around, not helpful, etc., we need to find new friends. Sometimes they are right under our noses + sometimes they are a little deeper in the soil + we have to work to get them out. I have been incredibly fortunate with my friends + relatives - most have been unbelievable, but there have been a few "disappointments". I try to focus on all the good ones. Nevertheless, I am still developing new relationships - I joined a new neighbourhood book club that was forming + I am making some new friends, as well as getting to know some people a little better. I wasn't sure whether or not to join, but decided to push my comfort level + join. If I need to miss the odd meeting for chemo, etc., so be it. I think if you reach out to someone - neighbour, co-worker etc., someone in the "dog" world, you will be pleasantly surprised with the results. Your personality is such that people are drawn to you. I would be honoured to be able to enjoy social activies with you, Kim + my husband (are you moving to the Toronto area anytime soon? -haha) The first steps are the hardest, and then it gets easier. And shoot for some friends from the non-cancer world too, to bring you diversity. While I value this board tremendously, I also really value the relationships where I can see, hear + touch the people. Everytime we either have people over or go out to someone's etc., my husband + I feel lifted up + we enjoy each other more. I think you + Kim would find this too. As much as I love my husband + consider him my soulmate, I would be lost without others in my life. You and Kim deserve that; go out + get it. Warm thoughts are being sent your way. Take good care!

Anne
Thank you for your kind words. It is nice to hear, especially at a time when you start to doubt if you did all you could.

Hugs, Marie

Sundanceh said:

Dearest, Wisest Anne
What would I do without the Canadiens in my life, eh?

Anne, you are so sweet and your post is full of wisdom - just the kind of stuff that has gotten me to do some more deep thinkin'.

Kim and I will keep searching and when you seek, you will find. But you're right, they have got to be some good people and those are hard to find.

When we get to Canada, you are on my list of people to see. And Rob too, LOL:)

Thank you you so much for being a port of calm when the Seas of Life are rough - you've always been a very dear and kind woman and I treasure you far more than you might realize - or maybe you do and that's why you put up with me, LOL:)

I look forward to a big hug with you too:)

-Craig

Craig,
You definitely need
Craig,

You definitely need to put Toronto on your "to-do" list. There is tons to do in TO, including sports (despite Rob's disparaging remarks!), theatre, great restaurants, waterfront activities etc. Vancouver, where Rob lives is a beautiful city as well; I have been there 3 times I think + absolutely love it. Unfortunately, it is ~ 4 hour flight from Toronto, or I would have been there many more times. Definitely both cities should be on your "Canadian tour" list. Just let me know when you will be arriving in Toronto!

Thanks for the lovely compliments - I am happy if I can help even a smidgen. You are sure there for me + everyone else!

Sundanceh said:

Could Be
Hi Erin

Nice to meet you!

A very insightful question that you posed here - that could very well be the case.

Maybe I mean more to her than she lets on, but expresses it the opposite way. Perhaps she is directing her anger towards me to cushion the blow. I wish she would just tell me.

After 10-years in a row of turmoil, I think she is just tired and wants it all to go away - she just wants the "bleeding" to stop. There could be a degree of immaturity on her part on dealing or not dealing with her feelings. I underestimated that perspective - she is a living, growing entity in her own right.

I think she needs an outlet - a girlfriend that she could do things with to take her mind off of things and give her another relationship in her life. Her sisters live in PA and do not come to see her. They came once in 16-years in our house - and that was to supposedly help clean up after the tornado. She cannot afford to go up there these days, but when I can I'm going to send her home and hope that helps some.

And I hope one day we could find a couple to do something with on occasion. I don't need something all the time, but it would be nice to have dinner, or watch a movie or sporting event, or just someone different to talk to.

As Lizzy said above, it helps their relationship and I think it would for us as well.

I'm watching the patterns - and hopefully we'll just get this mess out of the way now, so we can focus on the recovery - and then maybe I can begin to rebuild our lives.

But alot of it could just be that after 10 years of life threatening issues from tornadoes to cancer, (that's a span of about 3,650 days) that many of us, man or woman, would have had enough. We've stood together and taken a lifetime of beatings and I told her when we look back up, this will have been a very hard stretch in our lives, but we made it through.

Just to show you the other side of this though - here's another quick story.

About 18 months ago, I had completed my 20th year of service with the company. I was in the middle of the Folfox treatments, but still working on the job - Kim surprised me by sending a bouquet of flowers one day with a note:

"Congratulations on your 20-year anniversary. I am proud of you for working while still going through your chemo treatments. You're an inspiration...Love/Kim"

I just about passed out!

I called her to thank her and tell her I loved her. Every now and then she leaks something like that and shows me her tender side - and that's what any of us want - it's not sympathy, it's connection of what we're both going through - let's talk and share. It's the intimacy between you - we've never been ones to cry about things, but I think I want that "base understanding and sharing" that I read alot of you have.

I thank you for your thoughts this morning - look forward to talking with you more.


-Craig

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My story....
When I married Dave over 25 years ago, we lived on a cattle ranch. Both he and I cowboy'd for a living. We were both up at 2 in the morning when it was time for trailing, branding, weaning... whatever the activity of the year was. What attracted me to him was his ruggedness. I grew up on a ranch, but never had I met a man who was so rugged and spoke his mind and always spoke the truth. Work was always first in his mind. He loved his family (we had 2 small kids at this time and they often went with us) but his job was where he really shined. He was known as the best cowboy on the ranch. He could ride any horse, bronc-y or not. I was not that skilled. Early one morning, we were rounding up cattle and I was riding my favorite horse, Nighthawk. Nighthawk and I were going after a calf that had decided to turn back. I was stuck in the drag, like usual. That's where all the dust flies up in your face and you just take it because you're the low man on the totem pole.

Well, The calf turned off, Nighthawk tracked him like a missile and I wasn't paying attention. I flew off. My glasses shattered into a million pieces, and I could feel blood running down my leg. Dave rode up next to me as I was laying on the ground. He asked what happened and if I was OK... When I told him I was fine, he told me to get my arse back in the saddle and that I was wasting daylight. He was a ball-buster. Always has been and always will be. He's that way in his job right now. He does all the trail work on the Palisades ranger district and he uses work horses and mules to get this all done. He's always been a horse person. If you took his horses away, he'd wither up and die.

Believe me, and I think we're all the same, I wish there was no diagnosis. My life was swimming along without snags and life was good. We'd just bought a house, My daughter just found her dream job and we were helping her move. My oldest daughter was finally getting along with her bio dad. My son just graduated from high school and was still working at a fast food joint. Life was good.

If you fastforward to today, life is still good, just in a different way. I'm sure that there are days that Dave's hates listening to my diatribe of "guess what I learned today?" "Guess what the onc said today?" "Do you want to go with me to see him?"

Now, don't get me wrong about Dave. He's my best friend and soul mate. Someone whom I could not live without. When I had my colectomy, and the surgeon told him I was in PACU, he insisted that he needed to see me. When the surgeon said he needed to wait until I was out, he still insisted that he had to see me. My daughter had to calm him down enough to wait and that I'd be in my room in less than an hour. He never left my side that night and was always just sitting up and watching me, like if he didn't, I'd fade away into the night never to be seen again. When I learned of my prognosis, Dave was there. When I started crying because it was a stage III instead of the stage II we were hoping for, Dave was there. He's never been big on women crying and in our 25 years of marriage, I've cried in front of him twice and that's when our children were born.

He silently holds my hand now... all the time. He seems to have to touch me all the time now, but secretly, I'm sure he wishes November never happened. Now that it has, we deal with it.

I'm almost done with my chemo. The end of June is my last one. We then do CEAs every three months, and according to them, I don't need to do a CT unless one of the CEAs goes outta whack. Yes, I'm excited to be done with chemo. More than you'll ever know, but then it's a waiting game. Will it come back, or have we annihilated it?

Don't think for a second that Dave never thought he'd lose me. I know he did. No rugged cowboy would be telling the surgeon that he needs to see me NOW!! This crap is hard, no matter who you are. I'm broke, but happy. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for this. It's kinda like a car payment I guess, which I haven't had car payments in years. I guess he gets paid like all the bills. They'll get it when they get it.

HollyID said:

Craig....
Love you bud.... write a book... I'd be your biggest fan!!

To have a friend you must be one...
I'm sure you've heard all this before, Craig but you must put yourself/yourselves out there to find the type friends you desire. You will fine them at church; join a book club since you're gonna write your own story *grin*, join a gym, engage conversations at the grocery store, library, and yes even the drs. office. There are so many ways to meet folks and develop friendships. Life is not all as vacant as you have presented with your family. And I cannot tell you how very sorry I am to hear about the absent, non-caring family members you and Kim both have. Neighbors, friends of neighbors, you could host a block party (when you feel up to it); go to a rally; participate in a few of these things and then network! It would seem that there are folks on this board that would be aware of someone in your neck of the woods that you would enjoy meeting. Someone from this board actually visited you in the hospital, didn't he? Maybe I'm hallucinating! I surely would have visited with you if I lived in Texas. And I know Texas is a really big area. But I would have. You are my kinda guy and I hope and pray for nothing but the best for you and Kim. So here my friend is a great big ole cyber hug for you. << >> And here's one for Kim, too.<< >>
Sandy
PS. I'll buy your book!

pete43lost_at_sea said:

Craig, absolutely precious words worth repeating for new comers
hi craig,

a beautiful moving post that i found accidentally while looking for something less.
i pray i am not tested as you and kim have. If i am I hope ellie and i are as strong.

what i just read i consider real treasure.

thanks and prayers,

pete

ps i hope it ok to bring such a worthwhile post back to the attention of new members of the board.

A true classic
Hey Pete! I was so surprised to see this thread resurrected.I reread every post again. It sure is a wonderful classic and I am glad you bumped it up.Our Craig is a very talented writer, as I am sure you observed.

Best wishes,
-Pat

SueRelays said:

Always have to chime in when
Always have to chime in when I see a post from you, and WHAT a post this is!!

I just have a quick second to reply and I just want to say Craig, I hope seeing the number of people that always respond when you write a post is heartwarming. It speaks to how everyone feels about you and how many of us consider you a "friend"

I agree with you that the older we get, the harder it is....I've lost a best friend to brain cancer. I will never have a friend that has been around since my kids were born and been through all the ups and downs of my life that got me to 52!!! I have alot of friends and family, but no longer that one special person that does everything with you and knows evertyhing about you.....but I do have so many new friends on the cancer boards that understand what only we understand, and that has been a blessing.

I wish you and Kim all the best!! You are such a rare treat!

Life is speeding by so fast,
Life is speeding by so fast, I wish that it would slow down. I have been blessed to have moved back home right before my DX. Could not imagine still being in Scottsdale, AZ. I would have been really lonely there, all my friends there are Corporate . I truly believe that everyone is working on fast forward. Gone are the days of coming home and hanging up your jacket and taking your hat off. Working full time and raising a family takes most of your time, leaving little time for even one's self. I really don't think that it's that people don't care. When the weekend rolls around, all my husband wants to do is relax. His Mother lives in Florida and health wise is not doing too well, but we try and call her every Sunday. Calls only last a couple minutes, but she knows she isn't forgotten. Just saying that life is so busy, truly believe that we all need to slow down and enjoy the family, not just deal with it.

We need to make time to visit with family. I was thinking if doing some volunteer work at the cancer center or childrens hospital. I am going to follow up on this when I get back from my cruise.

Take care, stay strong!

tootsie1 said:

Worth re-reading
I started thinking about that post this afternoon and realized that it had been bumped up, and I have replied to it before. It still moves me so much, though. Love, love, LOVE you, Craig. You're always so open with your feelings.

*hugs*
Gail

Craig, you are one of the
Craig, you are one of the most amazing people I know. If you lived closer I would invite you guys over for dinner. I totally relate to changes in relationships. We moved here because my husband has a huge family and it would be nice for the kids to grow up with family around. Well, then I get sick and we never heard from anyone. Of course my family is in canada and my mother was able to come here for 4 mths, but it was so hurtful to not get support/help from my husbands family. It has been so difficult for us to deal with. There has been relationships lost because of it. I understand that people don't know what to say etc.. but you know what, just offer to help in a few ways, stop over and bring dinner. Send an inspirational card. I hope yo0u and Kim's relationship gets stronger. This type of life change has to take its toll on relationships. Until you actually experience it, nobody can really understand..