Bile Duct Cancer ... feeling DOWN

Loida,
Having read your post and seeing that you said you are optimistic,but you are feeling down. I'll pass on to you what a couple of doctors told me. "When you are told you have a cancer and you have been basically "time stamped" (given so long to survive). You would not be normal if you were not scared and feeling down. From time to time." So, don't beat yourself up to much for feeling down. Also, from what I read on your post. Sounds like you like to have the facts. No matter how harsh or bad they are. With that being said I'll try to explain how I dealt and still deal with my battle with stage 3 pancreatic cancer and stay positive.

Like you, I was told strait up what my odds were when diagnosed. "Maybe 6 months to a year without the Whipple. No guarantees how long after the Whipple." This was April 2008. At that time survival rate for anyone with P.C. was a whopping 5% for any who had been diagnosed, to make it 5 years! Now how in the heck does anyone find much to be positive about when your told that? Well, after the emotional roller coaster that I'm sure all of us (and those around us) go through when told we have cancer. I started looking for positive things. The first thing I came up with was. There are some odds...Not good ones! But, better than none at all! To me that was a plus! Second. Even if this cancer wins. I still have time to make more good memories with those around me. I knew some people never get that chance. I looked at it as "I'm one of the lucky ones. I get the chance to do this!" Not that I didn't do that before,but, now it put everything in my life into a fine tuned perspective. Again this was an other positive.

Within a week of my diagnosis. I started radiation and chemo (while still working). Then I got to the point where I could not eat or hold down anything. I lost 50 pounds in one month. Believe me, I didn't have it to lose! 119 pounds is not a pretty site when your 6 feet tall. I had to have a J-Tube installed. This had a little back pack that I filled with several cans of Perative(sp). This would feed me through a tube into my small intestine. It was hooked up to me for 12 hours a day! It was at this point I started to use my sense of humor about my situation. I know those of us who have cancer see those around us trying to be strong for us and not look sad and such while with us. But I think most of us can see the helplessness in their eyes. I used humor to sort of lighten the mood for them as well as myself. This worked for me on staying positive. I would put on my "pack" and plug it into my tube in my abdomen and tell my wife that, "This works great for people who don't have time to stop and eat! Now I will admit. Sometimes, it was dark humor. I would come home after radiation treatments. My wife and others would all be in a somber mood, worried sick about me. They all would ask as cautious as they could how I was doing after my radiation and I would answer back to them "Not bad! But I do want to see if I glow in the dark tonight!" That would usually put them at ease. Now when it came to chemo. I had to work a little harder to keep positive about dealing with that. It was no fun at all! My oncologist told me I had every bad side effect, that chemo had to offer. Except total hair loss. But, like anything else,if you look, no matter how bad it might seem. You can still find something positive about it. I found out several good things about chemo. Besides fighting the cancer. A mosquito will not even land on you while you take chemo. They hover several inches away from you. Heck, they are pretty smart! They even know there is poison in your body!!! I found both humor and something positive in that! Also while taking chemo, after my Whipple, I had more bad issues! This time the chemo made me have water retention almost over night. I gained 60 pounds from it. My skin on my feet literally split. From the ribs down I was swollen. What can you find positive about this you ask? Not that I ever laughed about a woman complaining about water retention,But, you can bet. I'll never,ever, make lite of a woman complaining about water retention.

So, here I am. More than 2 years out from the Whipple. With some pains,fatigue issues and yes! Some days I feel like I was hit by a train and drug down the tracks. I was blessed enough to make it past 50 years old. Each day is a birthday to me. If I wake up hurting bad...I look at the positive side...I woke up! I get to see my wife, my children, grand-children and other family members. I have Faith,Family and Friends and have been able to keep a sense of humor through it all. And yes I still get restless before each and every scan. I know the odds all to well about it returning. But, on the positive side. When I get good scan results. The feeling cannot be described easily but it's a good feeling. To say the least!

I know I could have written something short like..."If you fall out of a tree and break a leg." The positive side would be..Be glad you didn't break both legs." So, I just touched the tip of the iceberg on what and how I have dealt with my cancer and remained positive. Each of us deal with it differently. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Take Care and GOD BLESS!
Oneshot